jaitch

Hello , I am new here. I want to be free of a crutch, I have used many crutches In my life but only one remains and the one that remains is the least troublesome of all the crutches.
However I am having a great deal of stress trying to motivate myself to through away the last crutch. The crutch I am referring to is Dope or Cannabis or Marijuana, whatever you want to call it, in my part of the world it is commonly referred to as Hash, and is very popular and widely used. The other crutches I have got rid of are Alcohol, Cocaine Ectasy Amphetamine Amyl Nitrate. Acid. Alcohol was the most troublesome substance I have abused/used. It caused a lot of trouble in my life, scars to prove it. I havent had a drink for 13 years, the others for about 6/8 years. I can remember exactly where and when I last had a drink but cant do that with other substances I have stopped. So I guess because of the acute affect on my life Alcohol was having, that is why I remember it so well.

I dont use Hash as a substitute, because it went hand in hand with the rest, Why cant I rid myself of the least problematic of substances. My answer to myself would be I am not fully letting go, still holding on to a crutch. I believe I have an ingrained fear of success. Where it stems from im not sure. The biggest problem I have is me, I am my own worst enemy, I am what holds me back, the world is my oyster, I just cant be bothered opening the clam. Cant be bothered is my anthem. It is a disgrace because I do have a wonderful life, it is beyond my wildest dreams, it really is. But I am too stoned to appreciate it.

I live a lone life, not because I am a nasty person with no personality or charm whom no one likes. I have created my own insular world. I don’t know how many last joints I have smoked in the last 5 years. I havent had a smoke today, logic should then say, if you havent smoked today then you have stopped, don’t start again. But then the perverse logic steps in and says, well that was easy wasn’t it you can stop no problem, so have another joint and you can stop again tomorrow. This is the first I have shared about this. I used to go to AA meetings, but I would never mention my Hash addiction. I hope by sharing this that I may get some firm resolve and finally start living life to the full, many many wasted years. Carrying out any one of the millions of great intentions I have would be a major acheivement. I don’t know if I am rabbling on or not, does anyone identify with this.

Thank you for reading

J

grateful2b

Welome To SR, J!
I am glad you found us..
Congratulations on your sobriety and success with the other addictions in your life..you seem very strong..

I smoked a lot of weed and hash during the 60's and easily left it after a time..
Many years later, I started using medicinal weed for my chronic pain condition..rather than touch narcotics...I was complacent about weed but in time I became addicted to it - 1/4 ounce a day...
Long story short...my brain chemistry had changed in the ensuing years, and my brain could no longer tolerate weed...
this was my first experience with addiction and I now realize my brain chemistry is compromised and I need to be careful of some things that have the potential to alter it..for me it is all about brain chemistry..and mindful recovery...
Hope you stick around...it is a great community, lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope here....oh, and you might want to try the Substance Abuse forum...

jaitch

Thank you grateful, strong in some departments and weak in others.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Jaitch

I think we all have a drug of choice - the one thats hardest to let go, that last crutch as you put it - I 'did' many things, and gave them all up pretty easily, including pot, but could never beat my DOC - booze - without support.

You'll find a lot of support here

I've never been but Marijuana Anonymous may be of help if you're already familiar with the 12 steps

Marijuana Anonymous World Services

there's also an online resource

Welcome to MA Online!

Hope to see you around some more
D

jaitch

Thank you Dee, I have visited those links you have provided. It boils down to a stark choice of do something and maybe there will be a change or do nothing and nothing will change.

tyler

I can identify with so much of what you posted, especially the part about a "fear of success". I allowed that to hold me back for many years. I think it is one reason I never had any luck counting my clean time. Anytime I'd get close to a "benchmark" day, I'd almost always go back to smoking.

I smoked heavily for over 20 years. I only now have about 8 months clean, the longest stretch in those 20 years. Pot alowed me to stay calm under pressure, never to happy, never too sad, but at the same time never truly allowed to experience happiness or sadness, those are feelings I am having to relearn how to deal with again.

All I can say is I really identify with what you posted, it is really how I felt. I've somehow managed to cut it out of my life. I don't participate in any formal recovery program (though I use bits and pieces of many different programs, as well as posting here), I mostly just do whatever I need to do to not smoke today. I don't worry about tomorrow. When it comes around I do the same thing I did yesterday. It's what is working for me.

You have 12step experience, you can apply the same concepts to kick the pot. I've been down the road you are on, in fact, I guess I am still on it. I have no illusions that if someone put a joint in front of me there's about a 50/50 shot I'd hit it, and then I'd be back to the races. I don't allow myself to be in those situations anymore. It does make for a bit of a mundane and boring life, but at least I'm clean. Hopefuly there will be a time that I can say I'd just walk away, no problem, but I know I'm not there yet.

I wish you all the best on your "journey", just know that you can do this. I think deep down you know that, you just have to do it, and keep doing it. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you ever need to talk. Take care.

jaitch

Thank you very much Tyler, you are spot on, It is not out of my control. I am choosing to do something that isnt doing me any good. I heard at an AA someone say "it stunts your growth", nail on head . Thank you for very your kind and encouraging words, as you say the steps can be applied to anything, getting myself to a meeting tomorrow.

jaitch

Ok I started this thread over 2 weeks ago. It is now over 12 hours since I used something other than God and The 12 Steps to aid my recovery from Alcoholism.
That is the reason for my substance abuse, trying to escape from Alcoholism, I was born into Alcoholism, it was there from the word go, I didnt know that at the time of course, I thought Im in the wrong family Im on the wrong planet I dont feel normal, everyone outside of my Home??? life appears to be normal, Im not normal 15 years after being born I discover an escape from Alcoholism, Alcohol. I drank alcohol to escape Alcoholism.
Then I am forced to stop drinking Alcohol, it is extremely dangerous for me, then I used Fear of being drunk as a basis for recovery, then substances other than alcohol, there is a long list. Now that I have made the decision to stop, and I mean even something like a cigarette is substance abuse, at this moment I feel clean, Im about to go to an AA meeting, If I even smoke a cigarette now I wont feel clean, I will immediately feel dirty again, the cigarette would lead me to other substances, and Im nowhere again. Al I can do for myself at the moment is do what the book says, on a daily basis.

intention

Hi Jaitch, enjoy your meeting

CarolD

All my best as you move forward into recovery

jaitch

Thank you for the encouraging posts, all are welcome to read and comment on this thread, however I am doing it for purely selfish reasons, as a sort of journal for myself to chart my progress. It is now over 17 hours since I used any substances I have been to an early evening meeting, and have came home for a bowl of soup then I will go to the step meeting tonight.Trying to stay in the moment but I cant help thinking towards a 24 hr victory. I have never been away from anything ruinous for 24 hrs since I was last in jail , which was a number of years ago. Getting cravings to smoke, but dealing with it as it comes.The more i fight the cravings the weeker it gets. At 2 22 this morning I handed my will and life over to God. I have done that before and took it back again, some times immediately mostly after the first temptation comes along, so I have had a couple of minor victories today to help spur me on.

And |I will be commencing step 4 after tonights meeting.

intention

Even better

jaitch

Ok now back from the Step meeting that wasnt a step meeting it was a BB meeting , anyway I came in just a the start of the Book, they were at Bills story, just when Ebby comes to call. That is me 20 hours away from ruinous substance dependence and 20 hours closer to God and True Recovery. I even managed to not be distracted by the very attractive woman that sat next to me at the meeting, prior to my new found resolve( aided by God)I would have sat through the whole meeting being absolutely aware of the very attractive woman sitting next to me.

intention

LOL, Jaitch.......where were all the attractive men when I went to my meeting ?? ...No, no, I don't need that sort of distraction.

Bill's story is one of my favourite parts of the book.

jaitch

Thank you "intention", I was always full of intention, never any action just intention, what is it they say about the road to Hell? The urge to smoke is quite strong just now, but NO WAY am I giving in. Im not to0 far away from 24 hrs of total abstinance, which is nice.

intention

24 hours is good. I was a heavy smoker, 60 on a good day - I can't do anything in moderation. Looking back given up smoking was relatively easy (compared to alcohol/food).

The first few days the cravings were hell and I did a lot of pacing up and down rooms, talking myself through it but once over the worst, it was much easier. I did eat a lot to compensate but then I am a compulsive overeater!! I gained over a stone that week. Not something I would recommended

As I said, I don't do anything in moderation so I get where you are coming from about being clean of all things. Caffiene is ok though, I am not ready to quit that one just yet.

jaitch

Yes, moderation just doesnt work with me, Im a tea drinker (tetley) so my caffeine intake isnt a lot really.

jaitch

Over 30 hours now since I used a substance. Seconds becoming minutes becoming hours becoming days, Its been quite easy so far. Not being complacent though.

intention

I like Yorkshire tea myself, very hard water here. I've had 4 large mugs already at 10am. It's not unknown for me to to drink 10 a day. I developed that little habit after cutting back on coffee....I still drink 2 cups strong coffee a day as well.

Keep focused

jaitch

Thanks intention
What an astonishing coincidence, I have a pack of Yorkshire Tea (leaf tea)in my kitchen cupboard.

Over 36 hours now.