Originally Posted by
jaitch 
Why cant I rid myself of the least problematic of substances. My answer to myself would be I am not fully letting go, still holding on to a crutch. I believe I have an ingrained fear of success. Where it stems from im not sure. The biggest problem I have is me, I am my own worst enemy, I am what holds me back, the world is my oyster, I just cant be bothered opening the clam. Cant be bothered is my anthem. It is a disgrace because I do have a wonderful life, it is beyond my wildest dreams, it really is. But I am too stoned to appreciate it.
I live a lone life, not because I am a nasty person with no personality or charm whom no one likes. I have created my own insular world. I don’t know how many last joints I have smoked in the last 5 years. I havent had a smoke today, logic should then say, if you havent smoked today then you have stopped, don’t start again. But then the perverse logic steps in and says, well that was easy wasn’t it you can stop no problem, so have another joint and you can stop again tomorrow. This is the first I have shared about this. I used to go to AA meetings, but I would never mention my Hash addiction. I hope by sharing this that I may get some firm resolve and finally start living life to the full, many many wasted years. Carrying out any one of the millions of great intentions I have would be a major acheivement. I don’t know if I am rabbling on or not, does anyone identify with this.
Thank you for reading
J
I can identify with so much of what you posted, especially the part about a "fear of success". I allowed that to hold me back for many years. I think it is one reason I never had any luck counting my clean time. Anytime I'd get close to a "benchmark" day, I'd almost always go back to smoking.
I smoked heavily for over 20 years. I only now have about 8 months clean, the longest stretch in those 20 years. Pot alowed me to stay calm under pressure, never to happy, never too sad, but at the same time never truly allowed to experience happiness or sadness, those are feelings I am having to relearn how to deal with again.
All I can say is I really identify with what you posted, it is really how I felt. I've somehow managed to cut it out of my life. I don't participate in any formal recovery program (though I use bits and pieces of many different programs, as well as posting here), I mostly just do whatever I need to do to not smoke today. I don't worry about tomorrow. When it comes around I do the same thing I did yesterday. It's what is working for me.
You have 12step experience, you can apply the same concepts to kick the pot. I've been down the road you are on, in fact, I guess I am still on it. I have no illusions that if someone put a joint in front of me there's about a 50/50 shot I'd hit it, and then I'd be back to the races. I don't allow myself to be in those situations anymore. It does make for a bit of a mundane and boring life, but at least I'm clean. Hopefuly there will be a time that I can say I'd just walk away, no problem, but I know I'm not there yet.
I wish you all the best on your "journey", just know that you can do this. I think deep down you know that, you just have to do it, and keep doing it. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you ever need to talk. Take care.