How smart & cunning addicts are
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How smart & cunning addicts are
Hello Everyone,
Well, I would like to put aside the specific topic of my last thread and only say that I now know the truth in what I am dealing with.
I would like to put into point-form the facts about my AGF and how absolutely cunning and smart she is in protecting her addiction and just how great her denial is.
- My AGF went into rehab over a year ago for Cocaine & alcohol abuse. She was down to 98 lbs soaking wet at the time and did a 30 day program to get healthy.
- She continually said, I never had a drinking problem it was cocaine and pills that I had a problem with
- for the last year and even now, she has played out the charade of being in recovery from cocaine and drug abuse. She did indeed use cocaine, but as I understand it, not to the extent that she pretended she had. I confirmed this in speaking with her father. I finally came to the conclusion it was all a smoke screen he confirmed it - he said she has been battling alcoholism for a few years now and her mother was also one.
- In essence, she has gone through the motions of recovery. She knows all the buzzwords, talking points and bs to throw out - post acute withdrawal, anxiety and depression, everything there is to know about cocaine withdrawal.
- I have never actually seen her use cocaine.
- during this whole time, she has conveniently avoided the fact that someone who is truly in recovery most likely has to abstain from everything.
- she has been using alcohol and marijuana this whole time. All the time stating that neither have ever been a problem. She drank to intoxication often, but it never really came to light as being a real big problem until she got pregnant and had to give it up. She cut back, but still would go out once a week to get sozzled and the more I got on her, the more she resisted.
- She actually now says that she is Sober from chemical dependence and using CHEMICALS as a bandage.
- Her MO was that if she 'admitted' to the worse problem of cocaine, then it would take the focus off the real problem, which is alcohol.
- When pushed about her drinking, she will fly into a rage of abuse and personal attacks, change the subject, deflect, deny, and accuse. Anything to take the focus off it.
- If you play along, she is calm and fine, and will even drink less. When pushed, she will drink more, mostly out of spite.
Anything to protect the addiction.
How the hell do I lead someone out of the wilderness who is in such a state of denial?
She is actually going through the motions of cocaine recovery.
The only plus is that she has been going to a psychiatrist once and twice a week and is actually making progress. She just simply isn't ready to give up alcohol entirely, and I am hopeful that she will come to that point someday soon.
Unreal. I have been fooled all this time, and my handling of it all as a consequence was wrong wrong wrong.
At least I finally understand the reality of this situation.
Any tips on how to deal with this situation?
Thanks in advance.
Well, I would like to put aside the specific topic of my last thread and only say that I now know the truth in what I am dealing with.
I would like to put into point-form the facts about my AGF and how absolutely cunning and smart she is in protecting her addiction and just how great her denial is.
- My AGF went into rehab over a year ago for Cocaine & alcohol abuse. She was down to 98 lbs soaking wet at the time and did a 30 day program to get healthy.
- She continually said, I never had a drinking problem it was cocaine and pills that I had a problem with
- for the last year and even now, she has played out the charade of being in recovery from cocaine and drug abuse. She did indeed use cocaine, but as I understand it, not to the extent that she pretended she had. I confirmed this in speaking with her father. I finally came to the conclusion it was all a smoke screen he confirmed it - he said she has been battling alcoholism for a few years now and her mother was also one.
- In essence, she has gone through the motions of recovery. She knows all the buzzwords, talking points and bs to throw out - post acute withdrawal, anxiety and depression, everything there is to know about cocaine withdrawal.
- I have never actually seen her use cocaine.
- during this whole time, she has conveniently avoided the fact that someone who is truly in recovery most likely has to abstain from everything.
- she has been using alcohol and marijuana this whole time. All the time stating that neither have ever been a problem. She drank to intoxication often, but it never really came to light as being a real big problem until she got pregnant and had to give it up. She cut back, but still would go out once a week to get sozzled and the more I got on her, the more she resisted.
- She actually now says that she is Sober from chemical dependence and using CHEMICALS as a bandage.
- Her MO was that if she 'admitted' to the worse problem of cocaine, then it would take the focus off the real problem, which is alcohol.
- When pushed about her drinking, she will fly into a rage of abuse and personal attacks, change the subject, deflect, deny, and accuse. Anything to take the focus off it.
- If you play along, she is calm and fine, and will even drink less. When pushed, she will drink more, mostly out of spite.
Anything to protect the addiction.
How the hell do I lead someone out of the wilderness who is in such a state of denial?
She is actually going through the motions of cocaine recovery.
The only plus is that she has been going to a psychiatrist once and twice a week and is actually making progress. She just simply isn't ready to give up alcohol entirely, and I am hopeful that she will come to that point someday soon.
Unreal. I have been fooled all this time, and my handling of it all as a consequence was wrong wrong wrong.
At least I finally understand the reality of this situation.
Any tips on how to deal with this situation?
Thanks in advance.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Oh yeah, and shockingly, I have never seen the woman with so much as a hangover, ever.
Right now, I am playing along for the sole reason to avoid any and all arguements. Now that I know twisted reality of this situation, at least I will be able to deal with it better than I did before.
Right now, I am playing along for the sole reason to avoid any and all arguements. Now that I know twisted reality of this situation, at least I will be able to deal with it better than I did before.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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You don't.
If she goes to AA, or NA, you can perhaps offer her support but aside from that, she has to lead herself out of the wilderness. She'll do that if and when she hits that proverbial rock bottom.
I can't remember who here on SR said something to the effect of "addition needs to stay in the dark, away from prying eyes, to survive". Your AGF is doing just that: hiding her addiction, whatever it may be, so she can continue indulging it.
For the time being, focus on you. Be kind to yourself. Go to some Al-Anon meetings.
If she goes to AA, or NA, you can perhaps offer her support but aside from that, she has to lead herself out of the wilderness. She'll do that if and when she hits that proverbial rock bottom.
I can't remember who here on SR said something to the effect of "addition needs to stay in the dark, away from prying eyes, to survive". Your AGF is doing just that: hiding her addiction, whatever it may be, so she can continue indulging it.
For the time being, focus on you. Be kind to yourself. Go to some Al-Anon meetings.
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Will do. And at the moment, and for the next few months, I have to at least play along in this charade. I have to see it through. I will not mention alcohol and at the least, I will not take things personally. I understand the situation and at least if I play along with it, I can be around her more and keep the situation as under control as possible.
Then once she has the child, well, that's another story.
Then once she has the child, well, that's another story.
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And just to add, in order for me to stay nearby to at least monitor her, (we had been arguing about her alcohol use, and that was what made her flip out and pull away):
She has actually manufactured all of these terms and conditions that I must abide by. In reality, her addiction is dictating and manufacturing all of these terms and conditions that I must abide by. She has made up a lot of stuff and turned it around on me so that I am the guilty party. I'm abusive.....I'm mean.....anything to deflect the real issue.
Namely, I must not scratch, disturb, mention of obstruct her addiction.
That is what she is truly saying.
She has actually manufactured all of these terms and conditions that I must abide by. In reality, her addiction is dictating and manufacturing all of these terms and conditions that I must abide by. She has made up a lot of stuff and turned it around on me so that I am the guilty party. I'm abusive.....I'm mean.....anything to deflect the real issue.
Namely, I must not scratch, disturb, mention of obstruct her addiction.
That is what she is truly saying.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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How the hell do I lead someone out of the wilderness who is in such a state of denial?
She has to find her way to this, and she may never.
In your situation, I would admit that I had made a mistake becoming so terribly enmeshed with such a person, and take immediate steps to detach from her and refocus on my own life until the child is born, and then take whatever measures are necessary to ensure his/her safety and quality of life.
But it's your life, your choice. I wish all of you luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by Ives 
Will do. And at the moment, and for the next few months, I have to at least play along in this charade. I have to see it through. I will not mention alcohol and at the least, I will not take things personally. I understand the situation and at least if I play along with it, I can be around her more and keep the situation as under control as possible.
Then once she has the child, well, that's another story.
Then once she has the child, well, that's another story.
If you choose to stay with her until the baby is born the best thing you can do is get yourself some help through therapy and Al Alanon. Detachment will be the key to your sanity. Trying to monitor her, the alcohol consumption, her acitons etc. will make you insane. And that baby is going to need one sane parent out of the two.
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Originally Posted by Forever4you
You seem to be under the impression that you can somehow "control" things where she is concerned. You can't. Save yourself a lot of pain and grief and accept right now that the only thing you are in control of is YOU. Being the alcohol police will not only turn you into a raving lunatic but it will not do one thing to change her behaviour. Trust me, I know.
If you choose to stay with her until the baby is born the best thing you can do is get yourself some help through therapy and Al Alanon. Detachment will be the key to your sanity. Trying to monitor her, the alcohol consumption, her acitons etc. will make you insane. And that baby is going to need one sane parent out of the two.
If you choose to stay with her until the baby is born the best thing you can do is get yourself some help through therapy and Al Alanon. Detachment will be the key to your sanity. Trying to monitor her, the alcohol consumption, her acitons etc. will make you insane. And that baby is going to need one sane parent out of the two.
What I am planning is to remain detached. That is not difficult for me at this stage in the game. She has asked me to be there for 'moral support' during the pregnancy, so I am giving her that. In the meantime, my counselor and Al-anon will be what I will do.
I won't be trying to control her consumption, but I think my mere presence without mentioning it or anything will help. When I am around, she only drinks once a week (that I am aware of) at least, that is what she was doing before, until I made the mistake of getting on her case about it, and then she pulled away and increased her usage, mainly out of defiance - I.e. 'You can't tell me what to do!!!!'
But I most definitely am taking to heart the three C's. If I try to control it, it only makes it worse.
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So basically, all I can do is provide moral support, and everything will be relatively stable, as long as I ignore that '500 lb. Gorilla in the room' so to speak.
As of now, I am playing along with the charade that she is in recovery from cocaine abuse and doesn't actually have a drinking problem (although I know better).
As of now, I am playing along with the charade that she is in recovery from cocaine abuse and doesn't actually have a drinking problem (although I know better).
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
The sad part is, the baby is going suffer from her drinking. As others have said, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
You need to get into an Al-Anon meeting, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to manage this, unfortunalty you can't. Everyone in this forum has been in your shoes trying to manage the addicts life, it just doesn't work.
You need to get into an Al-Anon meeting, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to manage this, unfortunalty you can't. Everyone in this forum has been in your shoes trying to manage the addicts life, it just doesn't work.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Ives
I won't be trying to control her consumption, but I think my mere presence without mentioning it or anything will help. When I am around, she only drinks once a week (that I am aware of) at least, that is what she was doing before, until I made the mistake of getting on her case about it, and then she pulled away and increased her usage, mainly out of defiance - I.e. 'You can't tell me what to do!!!!'
You cannot help. You have no idea what she is doing 24/7. You most certainly did not cause her to drink more by getting on her case.
You are powerless over this and her. It's humbling to truly accept this.
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Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
Hello Ives and welcome to SR.
Ditto to all that has been said. I know from personal experience that you cannot "save" people. I tried that more than once and people tried to save me as well. It didnīt work until I wanted to.
I was doing drugs when I was pregnant at 17 and my daugther had issues after the birth, but otherwise she is healthy and whole. This is very difficult for me to say, still is today. People tried to control me when I was pregnant, but that made me all the more rebellious. I donīt think it works.
I would advice you to let go, remember the three cīs and use the opportunity to work on yourself and codependency issues. A reminder that works for me is: "Where does he or she end and where do I begin"?
Hugs to you and your unborn child. I hope everything goes well.
Ditto to all that has been said. I know from personal experience that you cannot "save" people. I tried that more than once and people tried to save me as well. It didnīt work until I wanted to.
I was doing drugs when I was pregnant at 17 and my daugther had issues after the birth, but otherwise she is healthy and whole. This is very difficult for me to say, still is today. People tried to control me when I was pregnant, but that made me all the more rebellious. I donīt think it works.
I would advice you to let go, remember the three cīs and use the opportunity to work on yourself and codependency issues. A reminder that works for me is: "Where does he or she end and where do I begin"?
Hugs to you and your unborn child. I hope everything goes well.
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I agree with what's been said on here already Ives. Your friend is going to do whatever she wants to, wether you're there or not.
What I might be doing in your position is looking at what I could do to support the baby once she's born, I'm not sure what rights fathers have before the child is born (how sad is that in reality? I know the mother carries the baby but at times it's like fathers are secondary no matter what!) but there really is nothing you can do to stop her drinking and drugging or whatever she wants to do.
I was involved in trying to 'save' a child from his fathers drinking and neglect, thankfully I found SR and realised there was nothing I could do for the childs dad, but today the child lives with me, is happy safe and healthy. I would have driven myself mad and been no use to the child if I'd carried on looking out for his dad, or others who were looking out for dad.
Fortunately for us this child was old enough to vote with his feet, he came to me, yours isn't, but that's the only reason I'd advocate staying involved in any way with this relationship. And even then, only if you're prepared to take on the child full time if that's whats needed, but you need to concentrate on yourself to do that because it'll be hard work.
What I might be doing in your position is looking at what I could do to support the baby once she's born, I'm not sure what rights fathers have before the child is born (how sad is that in reality? I know the mother carries the baby but at times it's like fathers are secondary no matter what!) but there really is nothing you can do to stop her drinking and drugging or whatever she wants to do.
I was involved in trying to 'save' a child from his fathers drinking and neglect, thankfully I found SR and realised there was nothing I could do for the childs dad, but today the child lives with me, is happy safe and healthy. I would have driven myself mad and been no use to the child if I'd carried on looking out for his dad, or others who were looking out for dad.
Fortunately for us this child was old enough to vote with his feet, he came to me, yours isn't, but that's the only reason I'd advocate staying involved in any way with this relationship. And even then, only if you're prepared to take on the child full time if that's whats needed, but you need to concentrate on yourself to do that because it'll be hard work.
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Originally Posted by LucyA
I agree with what's been said on here already Ives. Your friend is going to do whatever she wants to, wether you're there or not.
What I might be doing in your position is looking at what I could do to support the baby once she's born, I'm not sure what rights fathers have before the child is born (how sad is that in reality? I know the mother carries the baby but at times it's like fathers are secondary no matter what!) but there really is nothing you can do to stop her drinking and drugging or whatever she wants to do.
I was involved in trying to 'save' a child from his fathers drinking and neglect, thankfully I found SR and realised there was nothing I could do for the childs dad, but today the child lives with me, is happy safe and healthy. I would have driven myself mad and been no use to the child if I'd carried on looking out for his dad, or others who were looking out for dad.
Fortunately for us this child was old enough to vote with his feet, he came to me, yours isn't, but that's the only reason I'd advocate staying involved in any way with this relationship. And even then, only if you're prepared to take on the child full time if that's whats needed, but you need to concentrate on yourself to do that because it'll be hard work.
What I might be doing in your position is looking at what I could do to support the baby once she's born, I'm not sure what rights fathers have before the child is born (how sad is that in reality? I know the mother carries the baby but at times it's like fathers are secondary no matter what!) but there really is nothing you can do to stop her drinking and drugging or whatever she wants to do.
I was involved in trying to 'save' a child from his fathers drinking and neglect, thankfully I found SR and realised there was nothing I could do for the childs dad, but today the child lives with me, is happy safe and healthy. I would have driven myself mad and been no use to the child if I'd carried on looking out for his dad, or others who were looking out for dad.
Fortunately for us this child was old enough to vote with his feet, he came to me, yours isn't, but that's the only reason I'd advocate staying involved in any way with this relationship. And even then, only if you're prepared to take on the child full time if that's whats needed, but you need to concentrate on yourself to do that because it'll be hard work.
So it may not be very difficult for me to get custody if I wanted to. Plus, documented proof of her stint in rehab and lots of other nasty stuff that is coming out of the woodwork now.
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I didn't mean to imply you wouldn't want to take on the baby full time, I don't know what your laws are wherever you are, I'm in the UK.
I was just saying I would start preparing for that now, in the Uk from what you are saying the child could be taken into care at birth and then eventually adopted to another family with all contact to the birth parents severed(but that's UK laws)
Wherever you are I don't know what you would need to do to secure a place in your daughters life, but you could be finding out and making plans for if/when they were needed.
I was just saying I would start preparing for that now, in the Uk from what you are saying the child could be taken into care at birth and then eventually adopted to another family with all contact to the birth parents severed(but that's UK laws)
Wherever you are I don't know what you would need to do to secure a place in your daughters life, but you could be finding out and making plans for if/when they were needed.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Ives,
I can understand that the situation you are currently in is causing you pain, it is not how you would like things to be and therefore you are pushing to control that wich cannot be controlled - everything outside of yourself.
I wish to reserve judgement on your partner - something I have noted that no one else is doing. I want to do that Ives for a few reasons. For one because you seem intent on trying to turn this forum against her.
No one here knows your partner I do not know what goes on when you and her are together, I only see what you show us in your posts and what I see in your posts is someone who calls his partner horrific names and then claims he loves her. Someone who when he cannot control the situation he finds himself in trys an array of tactics to gain control - by co-opting her family, doctors, by stating you are going to 'watch her' and to be honest I find the phrase To be rather unsettling and agressive.
Another thing is that you say she What is it that she says you do that is abusive?
You say she drinks more when you attack her for drinking once a week? I have a theory which is just my opinion, but it goes, she believes that your actions at times are abusive toward her (she has been quoted in emails to you stating that you call her names {as further witnessed on this forum} and you are disrespectful to her) she has a drink with friends, (which by the way, there are schools of thought that say you can drink when pregnant in regulated quantities as the actual toxic levels to the feotus are not quantified) comes home and you attack her. This as she has been quoted to say gives her stress. She further drinks thinking this will elleviate some of that stress.
By the by, if you speak to her the way you have spoken ABOUT her in your threads, she has grounds for calling you abusive.
I know this post won't be popular with the group, but it is my purpose of posting this to say that this forum does not know all the story here, and I am put on my gaurd by the manner in which has been posted about this woman, who seems to have (in the main) had her past thrown in her face as a reason as to why she cannot be trusted now.
In my experience and in my recovery from my personal journey, I have learnt that very rarely when a woman claims abuse is it ungrounded.
I would prefer to read some posts that would help me balance the picture - i.e. Ives focused. Away from her faults and her doings, and more to 'your side of the street' which is what Al-anon will also teach you.
Peace
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I can understand that the situation you are currently in is causing you pain, it is not how you would like things to be and therefore you are pushing to control that wich cannot be controlled - everything outside of yourself.
I wish to reserve judgement on your partner - something I have noted that no one else is doing. I want to do that Ives for a few reasons. For one because you seem intent on trying to turn this forum against her.
No one here knows your partner I do not know what goes on when you and her are together, I only see what you show us in your posts and what I see in your posts is someone who calls his partner horrific names and then claims he loves her. Someone who when he cannot control the situation he finds himself in trys an array of tactics to gain control - by co-opting her family, doctors, by stating you are going to 'watch her' and to be honest I find the phrase
Originally Posted by Ives
...I can be around her more and keep the situation as under control as possible.
Then once she has the child, well, that's another story.
Then once she has the child, well, that's another story.
Another thing is that you say she
Originally Posted by Ives
...has made up a lot of stuff and turned it around on me so that I am the guilty party. I'm abusive.....I'm mean.....anything to deflect the real issue..
You say she drinks more when you attack her for drinking once a week? I have a theory which is just my opinion, but it goes, she believes that your actions at times are abusive toward her (she has been quoted in emails to you stating that you call her names {as further witnessed on this forum} and you are disrespectful to her) she has a drink with friends, (which by the way, there are schools of thought that say you can drink when pregnant in regulated quantities as the actual toxic levels to the feotus are not quantified) comes home and you attack her. This as she has been quoted to say gives her stress. She further drinks thinking this will elleviate some of that stress.
By the by, if you speak to her the way you have spoken ABOUT her in your threads, she has grounds for calling you abusive.
I know this post won't be popular with the group, but it is my purpose of posting this to say that this forum does not know all the story here, and I am put on my gaurd by the manner in which has been posted about this woman, who seems to have (in the main) had her past thrown in her face as a reason as to why she cannot be trusted now.
In my experience and in my recovery from my personal journey, I have learnt that very rarely when a woman claims abuse is it ungrounded.
I would prefer to read some posts that would help me balance the picture - i.e. Ives focused. Away from her faults and her doings, and more to 'your side of the street' which is what Al-anon will also teach you.
Peace
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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I read through the other thread. Children, alcoholism and pregnant women are very very charged issues. Not just here but everywhere.
This wont' be popular, but is my experience and belief.
The mother of the FAS child has her entire world colored by her sons disability. Blaming the mother, going on a crusade to crucify every woman who consumes any drink or drug while pregnant does not change the fact that her son has FAS.
Truthfully, Ives, you have no idea how much of what she consumes. And spending your time plotting out how to control her is not only unhealthy for you, but will not assist her in taking better care of her body or unborn child.
Yes. Let go. Stop trying to manipulate her by turning her parents, friends, doctors and bartender against her. Its' not working anyway. That tells me something.
Try letting go of your fear and controlling tactics. Try listening to her. Try detaching. If you can't, you might want to look at yourself and your issues. When I can't stop obsessing about my AH--even when the "reasons" are very good--I know I"m the one with the problem. I know I need to look at myself.
Letting go, admitting you're powerless and believing there is a power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity is the best way out of this. For her, for you and for the baby.
This wont' be popular, but is my experience and belief.
The mother of the FAS child has her entire world colored by her sons disability. Blaming the mother, going on a crusade to crucify every woman who consumes any drink or drug while pregnant does not change the fact that her son has FAS.
Truthfully, Ives, you have no idea how much of what she consumes. And spending your time plotting out how to control her is not only unhealthy for you, but will not assist her in taking better care of her body or unborn child.
Any tips on how to deal with this situation?
Try letting go of your fear and controlling tactics. Try listening to her. Try detaching. If you can't, you might want to look at yourself and your issues. When I can't stop obsessing about my AH--even when the "reasons" are very good--I know I"m the one with the problem. I know I need to look at myself.
Letting go, admitting you're powerless and believing there is a power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity is the best way out of this. For her, for you and for the baby.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
Ives,
I can understand that the situation you are currently in is causing you pain, it is not how you would like things to be and therefore you are pushing to control that wich cannot be controlled - everything outside of yourself.
I wish to reserve judgement on your partner - something I have noted that no one else is doing. I want to do that Ives for a few reasons. For one because you seem intent on trying to turn this forum against her.
No one here knows your partner I do not know what goes on when you and her are together, I only see what you show us in your posts and what I see in your posts is someone who calls his partner horrific names and then claims he loves her. Someone who when he cannot control the situation he finds himself in trys an array of tactics to gain control - by co-opting her family, doctors, by stating you are going to 'watch her' and to be honest I find the phrase To be rather unsettling and agressive.
Another thing is that you say she
What is it that she says you do that is abusive?
You say she drinks more when you attack her for drinking once a week? I have a theory which is just my opinion, but it goes, she believes that your actions at times are abusive toward her (she has been quoted in emails to you stating that you call her names {as further witnessed on this forum} and you are disrespectful to her) she has a drink with friends, (which by the way, there are schools of thought that say you can drink when pregnant in regulated quantities as the actual toxic levels to the feotus are not quantified) comes home and you attack her. This as she has been quoted to say gives her stress. She further drinks thinking this will elleviate some of that stress.
By the by, if you speak to her the way you have spoken ABOUT her in your threads, she has grounds for calling you abusive.
I know this post won't be popular with the group, but it is my purpose of posting this to say that this forum does not know all the story here, and I am put on my gaurd by the manner in which has been posted about this woman, who seems to have (in the main) had her past thrown in her face as a reason as to why she cannot be trusted now.
In my experience and in my recovery from my personal journey, I have learnt that very rarely when a woman claims abuse is it ungrounded.
I would prefer to read some posts that would help me balance the picture - i.e. Ives focused. Away from her faults and her doings, and more to 'your side of the street' which is what Al-anon will also teach you.
Peace
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I can understand that the situation you are currently in is causing you pain, it is not how you would like things to be and therefore you are pushing to control that wich cannot be controlled - everything outside of yourself.
I wish to reserve judgement on your partner - something I have noted that no one else is doing. I want to do that Ives for a few reasons. For one because you seem intent on trying to turn this forum against her.
No one here knows your partner I do not know what goes on when you and her are together, I only see what you show us in your posts and what I see in your posts is someone who calls his partner horrific names and then claims he loves her. Someone who when he cannot control the situation he finds himself in trys an array of tactics to gain control - by co-opting her family, doctors, by stating you are going to 'watch her' and to be honest I find the phrase To be rather unsettling and agressive.
Another thing is that you say she
What is it that she says you do that is abusive?
You say she drinks more when you attack her for drinking once a week? I have a theory which is just my opinion, but it goes, she believes that your actions at times are abusive toward her (she has been quoted in emails to you stating that you call her names {as further witnessed on this forum} and you are disrespectful to her) she has a drink with friends, (which by the way, there are schools of thought that say you can drink when pregnant in regulated quantities as the actual toxic levels to the feotus are not quantified) comes home and you attack her. This as she has been quoted to say gives her stress. She further drinks thinking this will elleviate some of that stress.
By the by, if you speak to her the way you have spoken ABOUT her in your threads, she has grounds for calling you abusive.
I know this post won't be popular with the group, but it is my purpose of posting this to say that this forum does not know all the story here, and I am put on my gaurd by the manner in which has been posted about this woman, who seems to have (in the main) had her past thrown in her face as a reason as to why she cannot be trusted now.
In my experience and in my recovery from my personal journey, I have learnt that very rarely when a woman claims abuse is it ungrounded.
I would prefer to read some posts that would help me balance the picture - i.e. Ives focused. Away from her faults and her doings, and more to 'your side of the street' which is what Al-anon will also teach you.
Peace
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I see the error in my ways, and the folly in how I have handled things.
In short - your post is not wrong. There are two sides to every story.
In fact, I have been getting much better results since having come here. I sought to educate myself in a situation with which I hadn't a clue how to handle, and now I am handling the situation far better, and as a result things over the past few days are going a lot smoother.
So, in short, I appreciate this post, there is nothing at all wrong with what you are suggesting.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by transformyself
I read through the other thread. Children, alcoholism and pregnant women are very very charged issues. Not just here but everywhere.
This wont' be popular, but is my experience and belief.
The mother of the FAS child has her entire world colored by her sons disability. Blaming the mother, going on a crusade to crucify every woman who consumes any drink or drug while pregnant does not change the fact that her son has FAS.
Truthfully, Ives, you have no idea how much of what she consumes. And spending your time plotting out how to control her is not only unhealthy for you, but will not assist her in taking better care of her body or unborn child.
Yes. Let go. Stop trying to manipulate her by turning her parents, friends, doctors and bartender against her. Its' not working anyway. That tells me something.
Try letting go of your fear and controlling tactics. Try listening to her. Try detaching. If you can't, you might want to look at yourself and your issues. When I can't stop obsessing about my AH--even when the "reasons" are very good--I know I"m the one with the problem. I know I need to look at myself.
Letting go, admitting you're powerless and believing there is a power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity is the best way out of this. For her, for you and for the baby.
This wont' be popular, but is my experience and belief.
The mother of the FAS child has her entire world colored by her sons disability. Blaming the mother, going on a crusade to crucify every woman who consumes any drink or drug while pregnant does not change the fact that her son has FAS.
Truthfully, Ives, you have no idea how much of what she consumes. And spending your time plotting out how to control her is not only unhealthy for you, but will not assist her in taking better care of her body or unborn child.
Yes. Let go. Stop trying to manipulate her by turning her parents, friends, doctors and bartender against her. Its' not working anyway. That tells me something.
Try letting go of your fear and controlling tactics. Try listening to her. Try detaching. If you can't, you might want to look at yourself and your issues. When I can't stop obsessing about my AH--even when the "reasons" are very good--I know I"m the one with the problem. I know I need to look at myself.
Letting go, admitting you're powerless and believing there is a power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity is the best way out of this. For her, for you and for the baby.
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