Need Advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1
Need Advice
I am in a relationship with a girl that is 5 years sober. prior to our meeting and becoming involved she was only dating people in the program because she did not feel anyone else could 1) accept her disease and 2) no one else would understand her need for the program. her ex was obviously in the program and after being broke up for over 6 mo when we met he freaked out and started trying to manipulate her, it did not work and she was completely in love with me for over 6 mo until he finaly got through to her and she went back to him off and on for about 3 weeks then wanted our relationship back. she changed her phone number and when she posted it on facebook it went out to him by accident. he agreed he would not text her anymore and didn't for a while. then he got jealous and started back up slowly through messages on facebook, then chatting on facebook then texting and chatting daily of facebook. she told him she did not want to talk to him anymore and then he slowly got through to her and they chat. she claims that it is just friendly talk and "program" talk. when he is not "involved" it is great between us, but it came to a head the other day when she was online for about 7 hours and I said something to her.... she said "see you are jealous and can't ever get over what happened, it will always be an issue" I told her first, I was confused because she told me and him she did not want to talk to him anymore and here she is chatting and texting with him, knowing how maniuplative he is. then it was I dont trust her. she goes to play cards with her AA friends on Sat evenings, she just started back up and he goes to the card games becuase she is there. she will put off studying for final exams to go to this game night. anyway, about a week ago she was saying how "you will meet some of my close friends in AA and you will like them" to "over the christmas break from school I will be spending alot of time with MY friends" there is no inclusion of ME. at the same time she still expects me to be there for her, support her (not financially) and help her with her kids.
It is always, You can never understand the program or they are the only ones who can help me and give me the right kind of advice and he knows me best.
does anyone out there have any advice or been in a situation like this????????????????
It is always, You can never understand the program or they are the only ones who can help me and give me the right kind of advice and he knows me best.
does anyone out there have any advice or been in a situation like this????????????????
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
well, what comes to mind first is ... give her some space.
second, I'm assuming you aren't in a program?
lastly - if she's so easily controlled and manipulated by this ex - then there's no place in this for you. And yes, I *have* experienced this.
Cut your losses and let him have her.
She will always choose him over you.
Sorry to be so fatalistic about this, but that's my experience.
There's no person worth fighting another person over.
If you have to chase and bait and watch and tug at someone
that someone isn't that into you.
Cut your losses and find someone who WANTS to be with YOU.
You're worth that.
Not someone who's just using you to get attention from her ex.
They deserve each other.
second, I'm assuming you aren't in a program?
lastly - if she's so easily controlled and manipulated by this ex - then there's no place in this for you. And yes, I *have* experienced this.
Cut your losses and let him have her.
She will always choose him over you.
Sorry to be so fatalistic about this, but that's my experience.
There's no person worth fighting another person over.
If you have to chase and bait and watch and tug at someone
that someone isn't that into you.
Cut your losses and find someone who WANTS to be with YOU.
You're worth that.
Not someone who's just using you to get attention from her ex.
They deserve each other.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I think Barb is right in her analysis (even though I do find her signature to be a little bit...disturbing?)
You do deserve better than the push me pull me rollercoaster you describe. Why do you want to stay with someone how tells you 'You can never understand the program or they are the only ones who can help me and give me the right kind of advice and he knows me best'? What sort of partner do you want to share your life with?
You do deserve better than the push me pull me rollercoaster you describe. Why do you want to stay with someone how tells you 'You can never understand the program or they are the only ones who can help me and give me the right kind of advice and he knows me best'? What sort of partner do you want to share your life with?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Have to agree with Barb.
She is still in early sobriety and has not worked on some of herself yet. You do NOT need to be in the middle on this one. She will eventually figure out what she wants.
Back off, cut your losses, and get on with living YOUR life.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
She is still in early sobriety and has not worked on some of herself yet. You do NOT need to be in the middle on this one. She will eventually figure out what she wants.
Back off, cut your losses, and get on with living YOUR life.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hiya-
i also agree with barb.
oftentimes, in AA meetings, they have an "open AA" meeting once a month or so. in this meeting, the friends and family are permitted to attend and participate. i have seen some really beautiful sharing from spouses of alcoholic's in recovery.
what you're describing doesn't sound healthy. perhaps let them get on with it. if she wanted you to be part of her recovery, she could have invited you to an open meeting. that way, you share too in her recovery. the way you describe it, it's closed to you.
i also agree with barb.
oftentimes, in AA meetings, they have an "open AA" meeting once a month or so. in this meeting, the friends and family are permitted to attend and participate. i have seen some really beautiful sharing from spouses of alcoholic's in recovery.
what you're describing doesn't sound healthy. perhaps let them get on with it. if she wanted you to be part of her recovery, she could have invited you to an open meeting. that way, you share too in her recovery. the way you describe it, it's closed to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hope you don't mind me posting, i am in AA, and if i were you i would bail and find someone else. The scariest part of your post is she did not feel anyone else could 1) accept her disease and 2) no one else would understand her need for the program...after 5 years?! It's a bridge to normal living, you're not supposed to live in AA...thats the program i've been taught anyway...good luck with whatever you choose:-)
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
*OT for bookwyrm*
The signature is something I used to teach.
We spend most of our time
tensing against disappointment, pain, sorrow-
we literally walk around with clenched jaws, tense shoulders, etc.
What almost NONE of us realize -
is we have the same reaction to true pleasure.
We stop it.
Because we either believe deeply that
we're unworthy
either by looks/actions/attractions
the piont being -
we never stop to realize
when we brace against the pain of things
we also eliminate the equivalent amount of pleasure
it simply cannot be experienced.
A Medicine Woman asked me once
point blank-
'The question for you is - how much pleasure will you allow?"
Changed something quite basic with me.
I realized
I spent just as much time
questioning and resisting pleasure
as I did resisting pain and disappointment.
Nothing more complex
than stopping during the day
and consciously relaxing my shoulders
and letting my jaw go...
nothing more than that alone...
made a SIGNIFIGANT difference
in my experience of beauty, of life, of companionship...
The signature is something I used to teach.
We spend most of our time
tensing against disappointment, pain, sorrow-
we literally walk around with clenched jaws, tense shoulders, etc.
What almost NONE of us realize -
is we have the same reaction to true pleasure.
We stop it.
Because we either believe deeply that
we're unworthy
either by looks/actions/attractions
the piont being -
we never stop to realize
when we brace against the pain of things
we also eliminate the equivalent amount of pleasure
it simply cannot be experienced.
A Medicine Woman asked me once
point blank-
'The question for you is - how much pleasure will you allow?"
Changed something quite basic with me.
I realized
I spent just as much time
questioning and resisting pleasure
as I did resisting pain and disappointment.
Nothing more complex
than stopping during the day
and consciously relaxing my shoulders
and letting my jaw go...
nothing more than that alone...
made a SIGNIFIGANT difference
in my experience of beauty, of life, of companionship...
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
* I don't know how ... just that it works*
in the old days... that was known as 'majick'.
Anything that couldn't be explained
but worked the same every time
whether you believed in it
or not
or understood it
or not
... majick.
in the old days... that was known as 'majick'.
Anything that couldn't be explained
but worked the same every time
whether you believed in it
or not
or understood it
or not
... majick.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by barb dwyer 
* I don't know how ... just that it works*
in the old days... that was known as 'majick'.
Anything that couldn't be explained
but worked the same every time
whether you believed in it
or not
or understood it
or not
... majick.
in the old days... that was known as 'majick'.
Anything that couldn't be explained
but worked the same every time
whether you believed in it
or not
or understood it
or not
... majick.
You can't hear, if you don't stop to listen.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Barb, thanks for the post.
What I found 'disturbing' was the comment on how much pleasure will you allow next to 2 suggestively dancing bunnies!!
Maybe its just time for me to get my mind out of the gutter...
What I found 'disturbing' was the comment on how much pleasure will you allow next to 2 suggestively dancing bunnies!!
Maybe its just time for me to get my mind out of the gutter...
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