Startingover2

Exah sent a text asking when we go back to mediation. I said I didn't know. There isn't anything set up but I am not going to tell him that. Then he said he wants to talk about starting to take her unsupervised

OVER MY DEAD BODY WILL I LET THAT HAPPEN!

I feel sick. I have a consult with my atty tomorrow morning on what to say. He is still actively drinking. He is still abusing prescription pills and now getting them from his girlfriend.

Baby is not safe with him until he is in a recovery program and sober for at least a year. Is that something I can say? I have seen too much. I have seen him drink, pop pills and pass out while he had the care of his other children. I have seen him drink and drive with them. I am terrified!

I know he can't change anything unless he takes me back to court or mediation.

I need all help and suggestions please.

LaTeeDa

This is good. None of us can give you sound legal advice. I'm glad to hear you are meeting with your attorney.

I would say, though, that it's really nothing to get all in a tizzy about just yet. What I understand you to say is that there is an agreement in place, and in order to have that changed, HE would have to petition the court. Correct?

Most alcoholics I have known are mostly talk and bluster, and very little action. So, if things changing depends on him actually doing something other than talking, I wouldn't worry too much until he actually DOES something. It seems more like a ploy to get you worked up at this point.

L

Startingover2

Well it worked! I am in a huge tizzy right now. Does anyone know if I can just refuse to talk about it?

He probably is just trying to get to me although I knew this was coming at some point.

Cowgirl1265

Don't say ANYTHING to him. If you already have a court order in place for supervised visitation, just say "No, we will stick to the current plan." Talk to your attorney ASAP.

If you do not have a court order in place, you may need an emergency custody order.

Startingover2

We do have an order in place. Its supervised visits and I have sole physical custody. She was 4 months old when we split, but I had all kinds of drinking episodes in my declaration. It never went to court. He agreed in mediation to this, but told me when she was a bit older he would take me back.

I am hoping that his dui a year ago, his lack of showing for visits, and that he is still drinking will work in my favor.

So I can just say no?

LaTeeDa

Of course you can say no. But, I agree with Cowgirl. Don't say ANYTHING till after you talk to your attorney.

L

AllCheese

Hello - the only thing I would add to this discussion, is to please DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. I went through a similar situation earlier this year, and had the foresight to maintain a Contact Log. Mine is just a modified Excel spreadsheet showing dates/times/types of contact/gist of what was communicated, etc. I know people who have used notebooks and things like that. If push comes to shove, you can show that to your attorney, who will know how to utilize it in Court, if necessary. jmho... GOOD LUCK!!!!

Chrysalis123

Nothing can happen until you get to court, correct? So, you have the gift of this on your side. He is trying to get you worked up. Relax and wait until you speak to your lawyer and try not to let what might not happen wreck your enjoyment of today. :ghug3

Jadmack25

Stop over-stressing for a start, which is giving him power over your brain when he hasn't got his own in working order.

If he has to do the petioning then you have time to keep logs etc, cause when did he ever do ANYTHING he promised ON TIME?

Keep logs as AllCheese suggests, and also keep actual mobile text, yours and his. Pity you haven't got video camera surveillence at home, but then he is not there often or long enough anyway.

Is this the same man who manages 1 out of 4 visits, and can only be with child for half an hour, before he needs booze top up?

You said: "I have seen him drink, pop pills and pass out while he had the care of his other children. I have seen him drink and drive with them."
"He is still actively drinking. He is still abusing prescription pills and now getting them from his girlfriend."

Why would you not be terrified of this idiot doing the same irresponsible and dangerous stuff with your child, if in the same drunken, spaced out state?

Whatever evidence you have, keep safe. Whatever evidence you can get, do so.

If he does say again that he wants to go for changing, why not tell him to actually use the current opportunities he has NOW to visit, which he can't seem to manage yet, then look at the position later on. Otherwise I let the dog just lay there and say zilch.

God bless

Startingover2

I am terrified.

Yes, its the same guy who hardly makes his visits....oh but he has excuses you know! I turned him in for his DUI which cost him his license and he cant walk the mile or find a ride here to see baby which is all my fault.

GiveLove

Take a deep breath, startingover. As my dad used to say, "It's not time to worry yet."

Document everything. With dates and events.

See your attorney, make it clear how strongly you feel about this, and show that documentation to him.

And say NOTHING to "him." Not a single thing.

Think of it this way: If he has to go to court to get unsupervised visits, he has to expend a tremendous amount of effort. Do you really think a man who can't walk a mile to see his daughter is going to go through those kinds of hoops? Do you think a court is going to let him have her, even though he couldn't even drive her to a doctor if something happened to her?

Breathe. Document. Fight.

It will be okay.

Startingover2

I didn't get much sleep last night. I am looking forward to my call with attorney today. I know he is trying to intimidate me and it will take alot of work for him to start the ball rolling, plus he knows from last time that I won't hold back. He even said I hurt his feeling with all the 'lies' I put in my declaration last time. There was not one lie in there, he just didn't like to see his drinking episodes brought to light.

If indeed he does bring up the subject today I am going to hold steady and not waver. HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. HE IS NOT STABLE. He may hide what he is doing now, but he has not changed. I have to remember that.

Does anyone have any experience or suggestions on how much proof you need? Most is my word against his.

tealover

I'm a lawyer, not a family lawyer but from what I do know nothing can change until he petitions the court and shows there is a change in circumstances that warrants a modificiation of the order. And like the others said, this could be all puff - he may actually never get around to doing that! So don't worry unless and until it happens. However, even if he does, from what you are saying, there is no change . He is still actively drinking, using pills etc. IMO, any smart judge will believe your word over his. But I agree with the others that you must proactively document EVERYTHING. Keep a log, journal whatever you need. If it were me, I'd probably even try to record a phone conversation in which he admits he is still using, or get a text or email that says that.

Good luck! Let me know how the talk with your lawyer goes. Try not to worry

Startingover2

I just got off phone with attorney. He said to tell him there is no way in He** I will allow unsupervised visits until he can prove to me he has been sober for a long period of time. End of story. I will tell him I have an attorney that will use everything against him and will not stop.

Attorney also said I can print up the emails I have from his account and will use those as well where he asks for drugs from gf.

If he wants this he will have to do the work and most likely he will fail. Oh, I also have the right if he does ever get unsupervised visits that no drinking 8 hours prior to visit, I can do a test when he comes to see her or pick her up, as well as random drug and alcohol tests where I can call him and within one hour of my call he has to be tested.


I feel so much better. He told me to sit tall and confident and not cower. Oh boy! He comes this afternoon. Will update later.

hello-kitty

Yes. I wouldn't respond to him. Especially in writing. Why invite trouble. If he questions refer him to your attorney. But be courteous. Be polite. Even though it's hard. Remember that you are supposed to be the sane healthy one here. You are the adult. Don't stoop to his level. And don't let the courts see you as confrontational. It just make him appear less crazy.

Startingover2

I won't bring it up unless he does. We will see if he shows for visit and/or brings it up. Attorney did say don't make it a long conversation, say no and then change subject and go make cookies or something away from him. He is here to see baby and not argue with me.

I just feel so much better that I really do have alot of ammo on my side. He said when push came to shove its his job to prove his sobriety and he can't.

Still not looking forward to today though.

Chrysalis123

If he brings it up, you could always say, "Oh." and then walk away and go make cookies. No need to share with him what you know.

GiveLove

Chrysalis' thought is a good strategy for most of life's difficulties that we can't change.

Especially the cookie part.

Startingover2

Well...cookies are baking

Exah sent a text earlier when baby was sleeping asking if I can bring her to his house as its raining, he doesn't have a ride (it was raining, but storm is over and hasn't rained since early today and he lives less than a mile away), he isn't feeling well and we can talk at his house. I said that is not possible today and to let me know when he was coming. He then got mad "what is your problem? What did I do now?" I didn't respond as I don't want to engage. Its 45 minutes into his visit time and I haven't heard from him yet. He still has 2 hrs and 15 minutes left. We will see.

Getting my backbone and not let him push me around.

Breathe in....breathe out!

Jadmack25

Well done SO2, after all he doesn't have the energy or interest to "push himself around" to your place, so why let him "push you around"?

I agree with Chrysalis, "oh", and I use "hmm" also. If he makes comments you don't want to respond to then a simple "oh", followed by as many "hmm's" as you need would be fine. Sounds as if you are listening to him, but in reality they mean diddley squat.

If he doesn't like getting a little wet, buy a cheap, plastic raincoat or brolly for the poor sensitive little fella.

God bless