transformyself

oh you want me to "be accountable" for the internet getting shut off over there, in our FORECLOSED HOUSE? Do you remember why the internet is in my name over there? Because it was shut off due to nonpayment when you were living with your **** bag girlfriend last summer and when I asked you for help with the bills you told me i needed to get a job.

I know why you're calling and texting me totally freaked out today, it's because you're out of money, out of booze and haven't found a replacement for your little darling who kept a steady flow of whiskey, beer and adoration comeing at you. Don't worry, the bait you put on match.com and three others will snare you someone soon, I hope, then you'll at least have someone else to alternatly worship and blame and hopefully will leave me alone.

If you would just freaking talk to me, like a grown up, without guilt tripping, blame placing and finding ways to accuse me of stupid cra] we could actually accomplish something here.

trapeze

Good for you for posting. Now breath.

CatsPajamas

Good for you, coming here to vent. Now comes the hard part - don't let him or his sad situation rent any more space in your head. Make a conscious decision to shut that mental door and do something nice for yourself.

Perhaps, if you feel compelled, you could change his name on your phone to QUACK QUACK. That means every time you hear your phone's signal that you have a message or call from him, you'll immediately see QUACK QUACK. That's all he's doing is quacking. It might make you smile and allow you to get on with yoru day.

transformyself

Hey, that's brilliant! Vent, then breath. Thank you. Breathing...

bremerbua

Smart move.

I feel your frustration. Better here than to engage in him.

It ain't easy, I know, but keep doing what you're doing.

transformyself

Thanks CP, his name in my phone is already, MORE STUPID S*** which really works for me.

And this is a very important step I haven't processed yet. The LETTING GO phase of venting. I usually get stuck and cycle up.

So, I guess I'll get back to my life. There's more than enough stuff to do and when I think about it, it's way more interesting than keeping this drama going with him.

Zak68

Be strong my friend! You are doing the right thing here by venting. Take that deep breath. Realize you are in a better place, much better than him, and rejoice in the fact that you are in control of your life.

Maybe we need to find ringtones of ducks quacking that we can all add when the A's call us. I for one would bust out laughing every time I heard the AW call and it going "quack quack quack".

transformyself

Well at least I"m cycling through these things faster, and with less interruption to my life that ever before. There really is a pay off in not engaging. It's a less chaotic life.

The problem is, we really do have to communicate about money and bills. How can I do that when he won't just discuss the facts without tying blame and guilt into everything? I guess I need to not react at all and stick to the facts with no emotion. At least that he can see. You guys get the brunt of that and i thank you for holding my hand and walking me through this.

It would be nice if we could do communicate without all the baggage, but if that were the case we wouldn't be separated and getting divorced. I feel like everything for him is a power struggle. There is no seeing eye to eye. Either he's in control, or he thinks I am and he's fighting to get it back.

I don't want that. I dont' fight with anyone else in my life this way, don't have struggles with anyone else in my life like this. There is so much underlying wierdness and control issues in every thing between us. It's exhausting. And stupid. We're adults. Come on.

transformyself

And I"m sorry but I haven't been able to grasp the whole meaning behind quacking yet?

Does it mean, more stupid s***?
Denial, blameshifting, manipulating and guilt-mongering?

Zak68

I look at quacking as this.

When a duck quacks you can't understand a word it says. It can sit there and quack it's fool head off all day but it still means nothing to you. =)

TakingCharge999

I envy everybody that can go no contact and actually dont have to hear or see the person ever again!!

For the lucky ones that got to keep dealing with the ducks, well I guess we just need to keep moving forward... we don't control what they are going to say or do so we need to focus on finding our balance and support so whatever dirt they throw around (ducks like mud) we can stay clean. Hopefully it will get easier... and the more I consider ducks liers and madmen its wayyyyyyyyyyyyy easier... I just dont talk their language... I just dont.

CatsPajamas

"Quacking" is a term we use for when an active alcoholic or addict is talking to us from their disease.

It comes from the idea that we don't know for sure whether or not someone else is an addict or alcoholic... but if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck? It's probably a duck.

And when a duck speaks what does it sound like? Quack quack quack.

So, when your A is spewing at you from a bad place? Just replace all the words with Quack quack quack. It makes it easier to deal with if you know s/he's just quacking.

Still Waters

laurie6781

YEP, THAT'S IT!!!!!!!

Same s*** over and over and over.

About the taking breathes. Here's the trick.

Take a really deep breath. Hold in to a slow count of 10. Exhale.

Repeat 10 times.

This slows down the oxygen to the brain, allows the brain to 'slow' down and brings some calm and peace to your body.

You can do this as many times a day as necessary and it does help. By practicing this over and over it will become part of your 'new' way of dealing with stress and life.

Prayers still going out for you and your children and I have you in two prayer circles.

Love and hugs,

Jadmack25

If you have a wee problem when he is quacking, do what I do. Imagine him laid on a plate, with orange slices, gravy and roast vegies.

When her AH is giving my friend a bad time with his quacking, she pictures him swimming, and then sees him blown out of the water. She reckons she feels soooo good then.

Whatever works.

God bless

transformyself

Well.

I had a phone conversation with AH last night that ended with me screaming at him and hanging up. The kids heard. I kept saying, "I don't want to talk to you," but didn't hang up in time to circumvent that madness.

He keeps pushing, keeps wanting to discuss finances and other things. I turned off my phone immediatly after and apologized to the kids and hung out with them before bed.

Then today he came over after I took the kids to school and said, "I don't know why you're so defensive with me and shut down. Why can't we just work together?" We're trying to discuss finances and logistics and that would be great, but I DO get defensive and shut down when he says things to me like, "You were here when we incurred these bills don't you think you should be resonsible for them?

Now. The problem is my resentment. Were this anyone else, I would be open and communicating. But this guy has raged at me, posted nasty stuff about me on his facebook page, not to mention the years of alcohol fueled rage I endured.

Oh my god. He is my abuser. I've been abused by him.

And he had the nerve to tell me he "never knew how hard it was to talk to me before he got out of the relationship.

I went to yoga yesterday and am on my way back today, even though my body hurts and I"m dehydrated. We ended our conversation today with me saying, "if you raise your voice or start to get sped up I will end our conversation."

He said he didn't agree, that I'm just shutting down and being negative. I told him it doesn't matter to me what he thinkgs, that this is really basic and that I am creating a boundary with him and I'll enforce it.

Still Waters

transform,

Don't look for logic or reasonable behavior. Manipulation and control is the name of the game.

My AH blames it all on me, yet I had absolutely no control of the finances. None. But it's all me. Whatever.

transformyself

All Better. Yoga makes everything all better. Except my clothes, which smell so ungodly awful, the only thing I can compare it to is cat pee. Sorry maybe TMI

The trick is detachment. He sounds so much like he just wants to communicate but there's too much damage. Too many horrific things have been done to me--by him--for me to be able to interact on a sane level with him.

In time perhaps. For now I need distance.

Thanks for listening everybody.