Learn2Live

Can I be honest? I really am just so sick and tired of recovery, of searching within myself, of forgiveness, of trying to give it all over to my HP when I'm not even sure about all that. Of trying to change me, or fix me, or fix anything; or NOT change me, NOT fix me, NOT fix anything. Which is it I'm supposed to do?

Of forever trying to move forward, or step back, or just be still. Which is it I'm supposed to do; forward, backward or sit still? One thing says one thing and another says another and what the hell is the answer, I'd like to know.

I so need a break. I'm tired of being a zombie. I'm tired of feeling numb, feeling frantic, feeling panic, feeling sad, feeling lost and confused and "what do I do next?" I'm tired of the tears rolling down my face and tired of the worry and angst I know people see in me. I'm tired of missing someone or something I never really had in the first place.

I'm tired of wondering "Why oh why is this happening?" And "Why oh why do ALL of these people have to come onto this website everyday to try to feel better? Why do we HAVE all this addiction and alcoholism and dysfunction and disease?"

I'm tired of searching for answers that might give me relief, that might make me feel better when nothing feels better. Or it feels better for a minute or two and then it's gone.

I'm just so tired and sometimes I wonder what the hell I keep living for. There is no joy left, no fun left, no nothing. Mom says I need to get out and be with people but seriously, I don't feel like it. I work all day with so many people and at the end of it, I don't want to see anyone.

I just needed to vent this.

IPT

hey Learn...I think maybe your mom should have said you need to "get out" (maybe be with people who's company you enjoy!). Seriously, even in my worst of times I ALWAYS felt better after working out and'or getting outside. Go for a stroll around the block. Just being outside in nature is healing for the soul and it's free and right outside your door! Exercise releases endorphines...natural feel good hormones.

I hear you though . It seems quite confusing and occasioanlly contradictory with all the do's or do-nots, ugh.. Hang in there..it gets better .

BBD

Learn2live, WOW~~~~better words were never spoken. I have felt just like that all week. My son is now in rehab for the second time, his gf has breast cancer (and we love her)) and I'm exhausted from no sleep. Therapy helps a bit ...but I have been so tired and sad that its overcoming me. You and I both need to get out, have fun and try to smile...Again~~this post hit the head on the nail for me. Big hugs, Bonnie

teke

i'm sorry that i don't have any answers for you. have you tried using a timer? time yourself for one or 2 minutes at time, try to stay focused on absolutely nothing but anything thats pleasant to you. after those few minutes, start over.

i've definitely been where you are and it ain't easy. have you tried giving yourself a break from all the changing, fixing, and searching for answers and just be who you are for now. start again when you feel up to it. you are going to be ok. you can't fail if you don't quit, but you are allowed to take breaks. sending a special prayer your way.

hello-kitty

Have you tried losing yourself in a novel? I am hooked on "The Outlander" Series right now. I'm living vicariously thru the main character. I don't even have time to give my son a bath or fold the laundry, I'm so busy reading (and traveling through the wilds of 18th century Scotland and France.) A few months ago it was all about "Twilight". I was living vicariously thru Bella and I was in love with a hot high-school vampire. But Outlander is more adult. It's absolutely incredible and easy to lose yourself in. Sometimes we just need to escape into a good book.

And if you like the first one, there are 7 more in the series...

laurie6781

Sounds like "Burn Out" to me. Sounds like you have been totally immersing yourself into recovery from being codie and from alcoholism. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

I would suggest you talk with one of your sponsors about this AA or Al-Anon and if you don't have one, now may be a good time to get one or a counselor that specializes in addiction. I suggest sponsor because your post sounds like you are using the 12 steps. One very important thing I found was not to do them alone the first time. A sponsor is the way to go.

And when at 3 years sober my AA sponsor more than strongly suggested I start attending Al-Anon she also strongly suggested that I get an Al-Anon sponsor. lmao She was correct.

A sponsor will help you to find 'balance' in your life. Recovery is a LIFE LONG PROJECT. We continue to grow and learn and change, not all at once, little bit by little bit.

I know personally in my own first year in recovery from alcoholism I wanted it all and I wanted it all RIGHT NOW. My sponsor just smiled and chuckled (she had 17 years at the time) and said "you'll get it One Day At A Time."

I also learned to stop 'analyzing' everything to death and to start taking some things on faith. Now that was hard, because Lord knows I had to analyze everything. What I did learn from all that analyzing is that I would end up in 'analysis paralysis' and get no where.

I have found that not only is recovery a 'life long' process, but by watching myself interact with others, interact with life, I learn more about myself. With time, once I learned that I wasn't going to 'get it' all at once and be done, I have learned to enjoy recovery and my life. I like the 'progress not perfection', it gives me something to continue looking forward to.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Abundance

The timer idea is great!

Analysis Paralysis......mmmm ... yes! That is me totally! I gotta remember that!

L2L - When we are feeling these feelings.... to feel them/observe them..... they will eventually go away.

I don't have any helpful advice because I feel so not capable... but I'm thinking about ya......

((((hugs)))))

rose

Learn,

Re-read your post! What I read was someone moving on, discovered some well deserved me time, to heck with the rest! Thats what it is all about, looking after ourselves, doing what makes up happy!

Rose

Ann

I remember when I had about 9 months of recovery I hit a wall. I had been doing all the "do" things and still nothing seemed to be going right. I was getting flack because I had changed and people didn't know the "new me" and I was ready to throw my 9 month chip out the window...but then I thought "the alternative to recovery is to go back to where I was" and I knew that even though life was not what I wanted at the moment, it was still better than where I had been.

At times like that I was just trying too hard, trying to make the good things appear to encourage me to continue.

What worked for me was to continue the same path...but to ADD some fun to the process and stop obsessing about my own recovery. I went to a funny movie with a friend, I read a great book that had nothing to do with recovery but took my mind to a better place, and I remember going shopping one day with $20 in my purse, deciding to buy something fun just for me. I bought some great nail polish and bubble bath and candles and had a "me" day at my home made spa.

It worked. All I needed to do was let go of the need to do my program perfectly and just go with the flow of progress.

I don't know what will work for you, but sometimes just grabbing a breath of fresh air and doing something for ourselves is just the treat we need to feel refreshed.

Hugs

meditation

This I think is a normal feeling in recovery. I too feel over immersed in recovery at times. Sometimes I don't want to be around anybody in recovery or even think about it. After a zillion war stories and hearing about torn up lives it seems to just feel at times numbing. Like all compassion just left. I have to step back and put myself in the big outdoors. Go to the lake, go to the mtns, go someplace I feel my soul gets nourished. Sit by a creek, (preferably not in Atlanta at this time)lol but you know just get out in the beauty of the world. And I don't think about being an addict or think about my trainwreck of a life or think about crap out there for that time I am out I am normal. Normal being reset to where I was before this train went off the rails.
And then I can come back in the world and do and be and function again. I hope you live somewhere that you can do this.

Learn2Live

Thanks everybody. Reading ALL of your posts...got those stupid tears rolling down my face again. And all of your posts make absolute sense and I'm grateful for your helpful tips. I'm going to try and practice them this week.

Thank you so much for BEING THERE for me through the hardships and pain I am experiencing at this time in my life. Thank you for being so observant, and intuitive, and practical. Thank you for giving me hope and understanding and love.

But can I ask you something? People tell me I'm smart; so why do I feel like such a baby? Lost84 and I were talking yesterday about how we all yearn for that ONE special someone to be emotionally close to, a safe, trustworthy person to share our lives with, and for me that would be a man.

For me it would be someone to cuddle up with at the end of the day and forget all the stress and trouble from dealing with the world outside of my home and all the not nice ways people act all day, and let it all just melt away. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Or am I just being a frickin' dependent baby?

I want to have someone in my life like that. He doesn't have to be perfect or anything. He doesn't even have to make a lot of money. Just be a decent, good person who treats others, including me, kindly, thoughtfully, and gently. Not yell at me, not lose patience with me and get mad at me all the time like everybody else always does. Someone who can make me smile on a daily basis, and who makes me laugh regularly. Someone who appreciates me for who I am and how hard I work. Someone who doesn't frickin' argue about EVERYTHING.

Someone who just is conscious of a household and all the work it takes to maintain it, who shares in the little things that just have to be done and kept on top of. Like take out the trash once a week, unload the dishwasher because I hate to, scrub the tub once in a while, take turns mowing the lawn. Simple things, you know? He doesn't have to be my maid, just someone to share taking care of these necessities with. A guy who doesn't feel like he is HELPING me (I don't need any help!). A man who just does these things because they need to be done. Am I crazy?

Someone who has the ability or can figure out how to fix a problem around the house so that I don't have to try to figure EVERYTHING out. Like the toilet runs or there's something wrong with the fridge, or I have to order a new stove and how the hell do I get it home? Someone who will just take my car for an oil change because I just can't stay on top of that with a full-time job and all the other things that need to be done.

Someone who maybe goes to work M-F and works a full day. Someone I don't have to worry about what they are up to while they are supposed to be at work or while they're doing something with friends. Someone who will just take care of themselves, make relatively healthy decisions, and just live a normal, uncomplicated, non-dramatic, peaceful life together.

Someone who brings a little excitement and fun into my life every other weekend? Someone who will cuddle on the couch with me and watch a movie on Friday night. Someone who is motivated enough to get up early on Saturday to get the chores out of the way so we can spend the rest of the weekend actually enjoying life. Maybe go to a craft fair, or a walk in the park, or go on a canoe ride. He doesn't have to fly me to Paris on a Lear Jet.

I would like someone who will just carry the laundry baskets up from the basement, who might even fold a towel or two while I'm folding everything else; who talks to me while I'm folding.

A bonus would be someone who understands and shares my responsibility to take care of my aging parents.

And of course I would do all of the same and be a partner in taking care of his responsibilities too. Is all this just unattainable with someone else? Is this just me never being content in any relationship? Is this all just a fairy tale?

***

I don't know the answer. But it IS something I want for myself and for my life. But listen to this. Get this. I know you're not going to believe me. And this is the really, really sad part. Are you ready for this? The crackhead? That guy? The one who has been driving me insane the last two years of my life? That out-of-control, unpredictable, irresponsible tornado who would blow through my house, disrupt my routine, and create so much chaos? That wasteful, obnoxious, inattentive, womanizing gambler? He is ALL those things. He does ALL those things, and without complaint. Read it again, do you believe me? How do you explain that?

Here's the only way I can make sense of it: I think maybe the only reason he WAS all those things and did all those things, is because with that disease that has completely taken over his life? That disease that causes him to be so codependent? That disease that causes him to seek to be enabled? That disease makes him be whatever I want him to be!

Because I've watched him do the exact same thing with every other person in his life. He is exactly what everyone else who enables him wants him to be except who he really is. He just can't do these things, or be all these people, with any consistency. It's a juggling act. He just can't stay still and be self-monitoring. He just can't control himself. And worst of all, he just can't be faithful. Not to himself and not to anyone else.

And me? This time? After all my years of trying to help my brother, my sister-in-law, multiple friends, and so, so many other loved ones? The crackheads, the dopefiends, the pill poppers, the fall-down drunks, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives, and everyone else? This time, (to the best my consciousness, my health, and my sanity would allow) I did not try to make the addict healthy, I did not try to make his choices for him, I did not run around trying to hold him up, I did not try to fix him or his problems. And, I did not choose to let my life fall apart to support another person.

This time I was able to choose to stand by and let him make his own decisions. This time I was able to watch him fall and not try to catch him or pick him up. This time I accepted that he needs to stand on his own two feet. And my biggest triumph is that I did not try to make him, or manipulate him, or force him to be who I needed him to be.

This time, I am enough for me.

So why do I still feel so sad?

outtolunch

Back in my mid 20's I went through a rough patch with men after getting dumped by the so called love of my life and the death of both of my parents. I was depressed and isolating. I too so desperately wanted that one special someone .......

From my apartment window, I used to watch a guy rummage through the garbage, in the alley behind me, as he looked for food. I started making him sandwiches and would leave a few and some fruit, for him. Not sure what was wrong with this guy, drugs, alcohol, mental illness....just another street person in a big city. He would periodically bring and leave one of his findings for me, a strand of Christmas lights, a chipped cup or some other thing he found in the garbage, somewhere.

I had no desire to meet face to face or do more ......This experience however, opened me up to volunteering, doing what I could to make some sort of difference. This was a turning point for me. I began taking responsibility for myself and my own happiness instead of pining for that special someone to fill the holes inside me. I became my own best friend, comfortable in my own skin, able to entertain myself , laugh at myself and most importantly, sit with myself.

hello-kitty

Maybe it was YOUR DISEASE that made you think he was "all that". It may not have anything to do with him.

It's kind of like when I was using. That disgusting dirty drug that I used to spend night and day chasing, romancing, loving. I spent all my time with it. I ignored my job, my family, my friends. It nearly destroyed my life. It was everything to me. I hung out with drug dealers, prostitutes, wife beaters, liars, cheaters. I was no angel myself to say the least. I sold my soul so I could get high. And you know what?

I believed that it was ok!

I was sick with addiction. I lived in a fantasy world.

I think being codependent is the same kind of sickness.

URMYEVERYTHING

Learn2Live,
I haven't read what your purpose in life is? I have been reading up on why addicts and co-addicts continue to relapse in their recovery and it's because they haven't found their OWN purpose. They are constantly working on others purpose in life that they neglect themselves.

What are your strengths? What can you do to be okay with yourself? Any activities/clubs you are a part of? Any community involvement?

This will pass.... everyone... even non-codies... have these episodes. Like their life is standing still. We just have to be okay that life standing still doesn't mean we are worthless and/or not being loved and/or incapable of being loved.

We are simply standing still for a moment. But it's up to you to make things happen. The only way I can put it is get involved with something. It will help. I am part of a sorority in which I'm imvolved with and I volunteer at community events. I can say that I have met so many people that I call true and dear friends. Some are males and some are females, however, I no longer have to have this feeling to long for a companion to hug and hold at night. I surround myself around others who I know care for me as I care for them (genuinely) and that's all I need to feel important. I also know when to step back and take care of myself. (Getting a massage this weekend- by the way). It took a few weeks to save up for it, but hey, it's happening and I'm doing some serious self care this weekend.

There is no need to dwell on the past. The past is where it is... in the past. You cannot change the relationships you have been in or change the work you need to continue to do. If humans remained stagnant and unable to experience change, how would you be able to come here and help others as you have?

You offer a lot here on this board so I am confident that you are capable of enourmous strength to get through this rough moment. Heck, rate this rough moment compared to the other rough moments in your life. Does it compare? I'm willing to bet you it doesn't even come close. (smile)

Do some self care this weekend and be okay with you being stuck for this moment. Tomorrow is a new day.

ANEWAUGUST

Sometimes the addict is all those things to someone else because they want to please the other person, they want to be everything for another because of their addiction.

They are so busy being there for others., feeding their addiction, that they can't take
care of themselves. It enables them, always them to be there for others, yet, still use.

L2L...is there something fun you can do this weekend to help break all of this up for you?
A movie you would like to see, something fun to watch on tv, a book, a manicure, a walk in a park, a museum...anything, that might provide a temporary break from this?

Live

More than once, I assure you, I have felt exactly that!

My abusive alcoholic x-boyfriend woke me each morning with my choice of 3 menus that he would prepare for me for dinner. Shoot...he'd have been gone in a New York minute if he hadn't done alot of special things with me...and for me, he was quite romantic (to others, as well, I came to find out) shrug.
But it was a package deal and the abuse and alcoholism became too much to bear.

All work and no play makes for a dull life. It is normal and to be expected to have some depression following a separation, whether it is physical or more mental and emotional.

Self-acceptance comes to mind. You are okay who you are and it is just natural to evolve as we age and grow. With particular life dilemnas there are tools and the paths that others have traveled before us to use and to help guide us.
We are never going to have all the answers. That's okay. We don't have to wait to have it all together before we start living and enjoying it.

But if you want to meet someone, you will have to get out of the house! LOL Otherwise they will never know which door is yours to come knocking on with that bouquet of flowers.

I like all the ideas here...they are all tools, I love a good book, a nap, a special bathtime...etc.

And, yes, there are good men out there. no perfect ones and if there were I am sure they would shy away from me, thank goodness..that would be insufferable for both of us!
But just as there are lonely women wanting to meet men, there are just as many lonely men. Meet as many people as you can, speak to them, listen and just keep that up...your social life will fill out if you do that, I promise.

I am a homebody too. The people at work were always enough people for me too...but if I wanted to meet new people, I had to get out where people are.

Recovery is a part of life...but don't put your life on hold, live, live it up....easier said than done, but worth it many times over anytime I have been able to put it in practice.

hugs,
live

BigSis

My sponsor used to tell me when we talked about partnerships,

Make the list
Become the list

For me, this is taking a lot of time. Trying to become what it is I desire in others. But the little bit that I have changed, I've noticed those around me are beginning to respond to me in a different way...

Let it begin with me


((hugs))

wuzzled

Learn2live -

I too wish for that One special someone, and ditto all the things you long for. I sometimes think having all that is really just a fantasy, it is never really like that in real life, ever! I used to hate seeing people, couples walking down the street, holding hands, walking their dog, seemingly happy go lucky, like they have the "perfect" life, relationship or marriage. Jealously reared, I would feel like, why can't that be what my marriage is like.

Then one day, I realized that they too, probably have problems and issues in their relationship, but they don't show it at this one moment. They may not be as screwed up as mine, but theirs is not "perfect", no one's is. Sometimes, it doesn't look the same on the inside as it does the outside.

I think to the outside world, my family seems "normal" and "functional", but the truth on the inside, we are dysfunctional and struggle with addiction.

As long as I have a fantasy of a "perfect" special someone, I will always be disappointed, no matter what. Still, I wonder, what if . . . . . .

Freedom1990

I don't wish for that special someone anymore. I'm very comfortable with myself. I have learned to look after my own needs, and have pursued the things I've wanted to pursue to reach certain goals.

Does that make me weird? I don't know, and to be honest, I don't care!

I am more fulfilled today than I have ever been in my entire life with a man.

Freedom1990

I have got to remember that monkey in the saki bar analogy, Anvil. That was freaking profound! I love it!