Can I Be Honest?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Sometimes I wish I had someone special in my life, a partner, an adult male for companionship. Humans need companionship. No man is an island and all the crap. I don't need a trained monkey but a little physical and emotional intimacy might be nice. With someone older than four that didn't spring forth from my loins.
Mr. Wonderful would't be half bad. Mr. Wonderful half the time would be ok too. But I have boundaries and I have values. No crack. No abuse. No lies... oh the list goes on and on.
Not saying being alone isn't fine. I guess I'm pretty special by myself. I can rely on me. (But to be honest a man with a strong grip to get the lid off the pickle jar would be nice once in a while.)
Mr. Wonderful would't be half bad. Mr. Wonderful half the time would be ok too. But I have boundaries and I have values. No crack. No abuse. No lies... oh the list goes on and on.
Not saying being alone isn't fine. I guess I'm pretty special by myself. I can rely on me. (But to be honest a man with a strong grip to get the lid off the pickle jar would be nice once in a while.)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Wow!
I am going to put my 2 cents in again.
There is a difference between having to have a man all the time and wanting a man as a partner in your life.
i was single 13 years between 1st and 2d marriage.
And I am going to get married a 3d time.
2d one and I are quite good friends now.
I know I can go it alone. I had planned to.
And, Anvil, maybe romance isn't important to you...but statistically, most of us want it.
We like the little gestures. It isn't being helpless to want and enjoy flowers. I have bought them for myself and for other women...but i love it when my man brings me a bouquet and similar things.
I like for that special someone to think of me romantically.
Heck, all the other stuff I can do with friends of either sex.
There are stickies at the top of the relationships forums..which I, too, will re-check, as i recall them being very good guidelines.
live
I am going to put my 2 cents in again.
There is a difference between having to have a man all the time and wanting a man as a partner in your life.
i was single 13 years between 1st and 2d marriage.
And I am going to get married a 3d time.
2d one and I are quite good friends now.
I know I can go it alone. I had planned to.
And, Anvil, maybe romance isn't important to you...but statistically, most of us want it.
We like the little gestures. It isn't being helpless to want and enjoy flowers. I have bought them for myself and for other women...but i love it when my man brings me a bouquet and similar things.
I like for that special someone to think of me romantically.
Heck, all the other stuff I can do with friends of either sex.
There are stickies at the top of the relationships forums..which I, too, will re-check, as i recall them being very good guidelines.
live
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Maybe it is a combination of feeling so secure and content with ourselves, that the partner we seek compliments and supports us in a manner that suits our relationship.
My husband and I celebrated 25 years of marriage this past March. I am an alcoholic, currently in recovery. He is a weekend warrior. Both of our fathers were alcoholics. His parents divorced, my parents marriage survived, thankfully, my father was sober for over 20 years when he died.
So, coming from our backgrounds, I think we both brought different ideas of what we thought healthy relationships and marriage was supposed to be.
At times flowers and the traditional romantic gestures were more important to me. However, I do think everyone expresses love differently. Some can say the words, whisper them softly and easily, some cannot utter the "L" word. Some are full of romantic gestures, some romance us by changing the oil in our cars.
Maybe we all desire the same things from our relationships, love, respect, honesty, intimacy. It just may be expressed differently.
To some, my husband may not appear to be a traditional romantic. However, I love him dearly for his faith in me, and our family to survive my slide into insanity. I love him for being the father he is to our children. I love him because he does do laundry, and can iron better then I can.
Because I am at a place in my life where I love myself, respect myself, I am honest with myself, and can embrace intimacy I can live with him not bringing me flowers, because he brings joy to my heart, and a smile to my face.
My husband and I celebrated 25 years of marriage this past March. I am an alcoholic, currently in recovery. He is a weekend warrior. Both of our fathers were alcoholics. His parents divorced, my parents marriage survived, thankfully, my father was sober for over 20 years when he died.
So, coming from our backgrounds, I think we both brought different ideas of what we thought healthy relationships and marriage was supposed to be.
At times flowers and the traditional romantic gestures were more important to me. However, I do think everyone expresses love differently. Some can say the words, whisper them softly and easily, some cannot utter the "L" word. Some are full of romantic gestures, some romance us by changing the oil in our cars.
Maybe we all desire the same things from our relationships, love, respect, honesty, intimacy. It just may be expressed differently.
To some, my husband may not appear to be a traditional romantic. However, I love him dearly for his faith in me, and our family to survive my slide into insanity. I love him for being the father he is to our children. I love him because he does do laundry, and can iron better then I can.
Because I am at a place in my life where I love myself, respect myself, I am honest with myself, and can embrace intimacy I can live with him not bringing me flowers, because he brings joy to my heart, and a smile to my face.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by ANEWAUGUST 
Maybe it is a combination of feeling so secure and content with ourselves, that the partner we seek compliments and supports us in a manner that suits our relationship.
My husband and I celebrated 25 years of marriage this past March. I am an alcoholic, currently in recovery. He is a weekend warrior. Both of our fathers were alcoholics. His parents divorced, my parents marriage survived, thankfully, my father was sober for over 20 years when he died.
So, coming from our backgrounds, I think we both brought different ideas of what we thought healthy relationships and marriage was supposed to be.
At times flowers and the traditional romantic gestures were more important to me. However, I do think everyone expresses love differently. Some can say the words, whisper them softly and easily, some cannot utter the "L" word. Some are full of romantic gestures, some romance us by changing the oil in our cars.
Maybe we all desire the same things from our relationships, love, respect, honesty, intimacy. It just may be expressed differently.
To some, my husband may not appear to be a traditional romantic. However, I love him dearly for his faith in me, and our family to survive my slide into insanity. I love him for being the father he is to our children. I love him because he does do laundry, and can iron better then I can.
Because I am at a place in my life where I love myself, respect myself, I am honest with myself, and can embrace intimacy I can live with him not bringing me flowers, because he brings joy to my heart, and a smile to my face.
My husband and I celebrated 25 years of marriage this past March. I am an alcoholic, currently in recovery. He is a weekend warrior. Both of our fathers were alcoholics. His parents divorced, my parents marriage survived, thankfully, my father was sober for over 20 years when he died.
So, coming from our backgrounds, I think we both brought different ideas of what we thought healthy relationships and marriage was supposed to be.
At times flowers and the traditional romantic gestures were more important to me. However, I do think everyone expresses love differently. Some can say the words, whisper them softly and easily, some cannot utter the "L" word. Some are full of romantic gestures, some romance us by changing the oil in our cars.
Maybe we all desire the same things from our relationships, love, respect, honesty, intimacy. It just may be expressed differently.
To some, my husband may not appear to be a traditional romantic. However, I love him dearly for his faith in me, and our family to survive my slide into insanity. I love him for being the father he is to our children. I love him because he does do laundry, and can iron better then I can.
Because I am at a place in my life where I love myself, respect myself, I am honest with myself, and can embrace intimacy I can live with him not bringing me flowers, because he brings joy to my heart, and a smile to my face.
xo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
We were talking last evening....and i think what he said made alot of sense....we are all individuals....so it is not one size fits all, what is pleasing to one lady may not be for another, she may need, want or wish for something else.
Yes, the respect, honest, integrity etc are foundational values.
I didn't mean that i wanted empty gestures...who does?
i found out I am one of the few women who doesn't seem to remember anniversaries and doesn't care.
But a bouquet of wild flowers or picked out of our gardern, or similar mushy traditional romantic gestures mean a lot to me....I like to feel like I am being thought of in a romantic way...
Yes, the respect, honest, integrity etc are foundational values.
I didn't mean that i wanted empty gestures...who does?
i found out I am one of the few women who doesn't seem to remember anniversaries and doesn't care.
But a bouquet of wild flowers or picked out of our gardern, or similar mushy traditional romantic gestures mean a lot to me....I like to feel like I am being thought of in a romantic way...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
LOL, Anvil, I think we know each other well enough to know that we are not going to accept that bs we are calling empty gestures! Those would hit the trash, since I hope I no longer throw things at them!
The herbal bouquet is sweet, esp knowing you and your culinary fun and skills.
From my standpoint I was using a bouquet of flowers as an easily identifiable example.
In truth, there are other things more uniquely suited to me...and when a man loves a woman, he knows her and likes to please her specifically in the style that suits her and that they share.
I think we have gotten off topic, tho'....so.....have a great Saturday, lovely ladies!
The herbal bouquet is sweet, esp knowing you and your culinary fun and skills.
From my standpoint I was using a bouquet of flowers as an easily identifiable example.
In truth, there are other things more uniquely suited to me...and when a man loves a woman, he knows her and likes to please her specifically in the style that suits her and that they share.
I think we have gotten off topic, tho'....so.....have a great Saturday, lovely ladies!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hey ya'll! Right after I posted last Friday morning, I bought a ticket across country and flew out to Washington State; got here Friday night. It is great to be away from everything. I hope to venture out to Seattle tomorrow and Puget Sound tomorrow. I've never been here before so I am excited for this lone adventure!
Thanks Anvil for such a personal reply. I just want to clarify where I am in life and what I am learning. I think perhaps you may have interpreted some things I said inaccurately. I hope you "hear" nothing but peace in my reply below for I am not "angry" or "defensive: at least I don't feel that way.
I don't need a man to make anything better. In fact, I doubt quite seriously that anyone is capable of making another person happy or make their life "better." We are each responsible for creating the life we want. I learned that ten years ago when I got into Recovery and have done the things I needed to do to make my life better. I could not be happier with the results.
I am completely self-sufficient and am capable of doing anything that needs to be done. I've learned that my extremely overdeveloped sense of responsibility and my refusal to accept help from people is something I need to work on. Writing out what I was going through last week helped me to see that I actually DO want to be in a HEALTHY relationship and quite possibly be married, if that's what it takes. It was a real eye-opener for me because I determined at the age of 7 that I do not want to be married and have stuck to that for 35 years now. I think perhaps it is time for me to stop using my family of origin as the standard for my relationships.
But now that I am in what I feel is my "second phase" of my Recovery, I am learning how to set and stick to my Boundaries, which I hope will help me to KEEP OUT the kind of people I have historically ALLOWED IN. For example, crackheads whose M.O. is to give you the bare minimum, instill hopes for the future in your heart, and pretend to be EXACTLY what you want, in order to keep you enabling them. I have always seen only what I want to see in other people, and for some reason cannot discern in my mind or accept in my heart what they TRULY are. I'm working on that.
I'm not looking for what people can do for me; I never have. In fact, I've always focused on what to do for OTHER people. I am unselfish and giving to a fault. I believed that I see people for who they are inside; but unfortunately, I actually didn't or I couldn't. I've always been rather gullible and naive when it comes to other people and their behavior. I think it's what makes me feel stupid in relationships "Oh, how did I fall for that again?!" How? By closing my eyes and keeping them closed, believing that I had the ability to help someone be who they truly are (who I saw them as) and get "better" by doing what I did and learning what I learned to get where I am. but "Why don't they just LISTEN to me?!" Haha, my own joke is on me.
I don't believe in romance and I think it's all a bunch of BS. And I don't need anyone to do anything for me; that was the whole point. I don't want a partner who thinks in those terms. I have often heard men say they want to "HELP" me. I prefer to have someone in my life who thinks in terms of shared responsibilities. Like I said, I don't want a maid, a monkey, or a mother. Just an equal partner. It's time I start thinking in those terms also. I have to stop evaluating and accepting relationships in terms of how to help others and start choosing my relationships based on my own standards of living for my own behavior and my own life.
The point of my explaining that the ex-crackhead did all those things is that I FINALLY SAW what he was actually doing. What I SAW was a man who cared about and loved me and who was building a future with me. All that anxiety and panic and nausea I had was because I refused to see what he was actually doing, which was catering to what I thought I wanted (OGNITIVE DISSONANCE). He never intended to build a life with me, even though he acted like he was my equal partner sharing in the responsibilities. IT WAS ALL AN ACT and it "got" me nothing. But I wasn't consciously looking to get anything. I just kept getting drawn into the codependency, which all started when I became focused on "helping" him. Good Lord, what a mess.
My list of what I would like in cohabitation is not narrow minded or a preconceived notion of what may be in my best interest. Nor is it some magical gaze into a crystal ball for what my future might hold. I take life one day at a time (which by the way seems IMPOSSIBLE to me with a crackhead in my life) but jump in FEET FIRST whenever I get the opportunity (and the vacation time). I have to compensate for my mental illnesses and my cognitive disabilities, and this necessitates that I live a rather structured, routine daily life. So, I would very much like a partner who can work WITH me to maintain that but who also, like me, wants some adventure and fun in life. I'm sick of taking care of a toddler who pretends he is not the one stealing the cookies out of the cookie jar and insisting that I am the one who is eating them!
Yes, on the SURFACE, he APPEARS to be many things to many people while underneath he is quite something different. He was no champ, he was a royal pain in the ass who kept at me and kept at me and my own weak boundaries allowed me to fall for it time and again.
I need no one to make me feel complete or otherwise. I am simply coming to identify the standards by which to choose a potential life mate. I may sound selfish or fake or spoiled or dependent, but none of those things even exist in my little fish bowl. If a man thinks that actively and consciously participating in an equal partnership where I don't have to do all the damn housework is a burden, then I don't want him. I've had enough of that; in fact, 25 years of that and I'm moving on. And it all starts (this time) in Seattle.
All my love to Anvil and my sisters (and brothers) here on SR.
Thanks Anvil for such a personal reply. I just want to clarify where I am in life and what I am learning. I think perhaps you may have interpreted some things I said inaccurately. I hope you "hear" nothing but peace in my reply below for I am not "angry" or "defensive: at least I don't feel that way.
I don't need a man to make anything better. In fact, I doubt quite seriously that anyone is capable of making another person happy or make their life "better." We are each responsible for creating the life we want. I learned that ten years ago when I got into Recovery and have done the things I needed to do to make my life better. I could not be happier with the results.
I am completely self-sufficient and am capable of doing anything that needs to be done. I've learned that my extremely overdeveloped sense of responsibility and my refusal to accept help from people is something I need to work on. Writing out what I was going through last week helped me to see that I actually DO want to be in a HEALTHY relationship and quite possibly be married, if that's what it takes. It was a real eye-opener for me because I determined at the age of 7 that I do not want to be married and have stuck to that for 35 years now. I think perhaps it is time for me to stop using my family of origin as the standard for my relationships.
But now that I am in what I feel is my "second phase" of my Recovery, I am learning how to set and stick to my Boundaries, which I hope will help me to KEEP OUT the kind of people I have historically ALLOWED IN. For example, crackheads whose M.O. is to give you the bare minimum, instill hopes for the future in your heart, and pretend to be EXACTLY what you want, in order to keep you enabling them. I have always seen only what I want to see in other people, and for some reason cannot discern in my mind or accept in my heart what they TRULY are. I'm working on that.
I'm not looking for what people can do for me; I never have. In fact, I've always focused on what to do for OTHER people. I am unselfish and giving to a fault. I believed that I see people for who they are inside; but unfortunately, I actually didn't or I couldn't. I've always been rather gullible and naive when it comes to other people and their behavior. I think it's what makes me feel stupid in relationships "Oh, how did I fall for that again?!" How? By closing my eyes and keeping them closed, believing that I had the ability to help someone be who they truly are (who I saw them as) and get "better" by doing what I did and learning what I learned to get where I am. but "Why don't they just LISTEN to me?!" Haha, my own joke is on me.
I don't believe in romance and I think it's all a bunch of BS. And I don't need anyone to do anything for me; that was the whole point. I don't want a partner who thinks in those terms. I have often heard men say they want to "HELP" me. I prefer to have someone in my life who thinks in terms of shared responsibilities. Like I said, I don't want a maid, a monkey, or a mother. Just an equal partner. It's time I start thinking in those terms also. I have to stop evaluating and accepting relationships in terms of how to help others and start choosing my relationships based on my own standards of living for my own behavior and my own life.
The point of my explaining that the ex-crackhead did all those things is that I FINALLY SAW what he was actually doing. What I SAW was a man who cared about and loved me and who was building a future with me. All that anxiety and panic and nausea I had was because I refused to see what he was actually doing, which was catering to what I thought I wanted (OGNITIVE DISSONANCE). He never intended to build a life with me, even though he acted like he was my equal partner sharing in the responsibilities. IT WAS ALL AN ACT and it "got" me nothing. But I wasn't consciously looking to get anything. I just kept getting drawn into the codependency, which all started when I became focused on "helping" him. Good Lord, what a mess.
My list of what I would like in cohabitation is not narrow minded or a preconceived notion of what may be in my best interest. Nor is it some magical gaze into a crystal ball for what my future might hold. I take life one day at a time (which by the way seems IMPOSSIBLE to me with a crackhead in my life) but jump in FEET FIRST whenever I get the opportunity (and the vacation time). I have to compensate for my mental illnesses and my cognitive disabilities, and this necessitates that I live a rather structured, routine daily life. So, I would very much like a partner who can work WITH me to maintain that but who also, like me, wants some adventure and fun in life. I'm sick of taking care of a toddler who pretends he is not the one stealing the cookies out of the cookie jar and insisting that I am the one who is eating them!
Yes, on the SURFACE, he APPEARS to be many things to many people while underneath he is quite something different. He was no champ, he was a royal pain in the ass who kept at me and kept at me and my own weak boundaries allowed me to fall for it time and again.
I need no one to make me feel complete or otherwise. I am simply coming to identify the standards by which to choose a potential life mate. I may sound selfish or fake or spoiled or dependent, but none of those things even exist in my little fish bowl. If a man thinks that actively and consciously participating in an equal partnership where I don't have to do all the damn housework is a burden, then I don't want him. I've had enough of that; in fact, 25 years of that and I'm moving on. And it all starts (this time) in Seattle.
All my love to Anvil and my sisters (and brothers) here on SR.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thanks Anvil! Do you know if there is a waterfall between Spokane and Seattle on I-90 where I can stop on the way? I want to see the Seattle Japanese garden and arboretum and the Ballard locks that the fish are supposed to swim up? Do you think they are worth it or if I will see a fish? Also, do you think I will see a whale or something if I take a boat tour from Puget Sound? Sorry for all the questions. OH! What area should I choose a hotel? I don't know the "bad" parts of the city. Do you want to meet? I would welcome any company if you're game. It would also be neat to meet. No need to feel bad or anything if you aren't interested. And thanks for the restaurant advice--I really want a non-slimy hunk of salmon, maybe grilled?
Mel
Mel
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes, driving from Spokane to Seattle in the morning. So I would Snoqualmie BEFORE I get to Seattle or is it West of Spokane? Sorry all the questions. I check out the Marriott at Lake Union. Edgewater sounds great too. Do I need a fishing rod or does it come with the room? hahaha so fun!
Kitty and I are going to meet up so if you want to come too that would be so fun.
i really want to see Snoqualmie Pass cuz lots of serial killers dump bodies there. I know that sounds morbid but I've read it so many times in Ann Rule books I just want to see it to get a better picture in my mind. yeah the strip, read about that in Ann Rule.
I am with ya' on the commute. That's why I live 5.5 miles from my office. Just can't do it; have no patience. Can't believe you commute 40 mins. I would go CRAZY in traffic. Can't sit still very long (ADHD).
I send u my cell Thanks again! Hope to see you if even for coffee before you go home. I think I'm staying in seattle a few days.
Kitty and I are going to meet up so if you want to come too that would be so fun.
i really want to see Snoqualmie Pass cuz lots of serial killers dump bodies there. I know that sounds morbid but I've read it so many times in Ann Rule books I just want to see it to get a better picture in my mind. yeah the strip, read about that in Ann Rule.
I am with ya' on the commute. That's why I live 5.5 miles from my office. Just can't do it; have no patience. Can't believe you commute 40 mins. I would go CRAZY in traffic. Can't sit still very long (ADHD).
I send u my cell Thanks again! Hope to see you if even for coffee before you go home. I think I'm staying in seattle a few days.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
mmmm.... I'm craving Sushi. If you stay at the Hotel Max they have the BEST SUSHI in their restaurant - Red Fin. I am dying to eat there. I've been craving it for weeks. They even have tempura fried sushi rolls. YUM! And the Hotel Max is pretty nice.
Downtown Seattle Hotels | Hotel Max Seattle
Downtown Seattle Hotels | Hotel Max Seattle
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