SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

09-25-2009, 06:37 AM

# 11 (permalink)

To thine own self be true.

Join Date: May 2009

Location: U.S.A.

Posts: 5,924

Thanks everybody. Reading ALL of your posts...got those stupid tears rolling down my face again. And all of your posts make absolute sense and I'm grateful for your helpful tips. I'm going to try and practice them this week.

Thank you so much for BEING THERE for me through the hardships and pain I am experiencing at this time in my life. Thank you for being so observant, and intuitive, and practical. Thank you for giving me hope and understanding and love.

But can I ask you something? People tell me I'm smart; so why do I feel like such a baby? Lost84 and I were talking yesterday about how we all yearn for that ONE special someone to be emotionally close to, a safe, trustworthy person to share our lives with, and for me that would be a man.

For me it would be someone to cuddle up with at the end of the day and forget all the stress and trouble from dealing with the world outside of my home and all the not nice ways people act all day, and let it all just melt away. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Or am I just being a frickin' dependent baby?

I want to have someone in my life like that. He doesn't have to be perfect or anything. He doesn't even have to make a lot of money. Just be a decent, good person who treats others, including me, kindly, thoughtfully, and gently. Not yell at me, not lose patience with me and get mad at me all the time like everybody else always does. Someone who can make me smile on a daily basis, and who makes me laugh regularly. Someone who appreciates me for who I am and how hard I work. Someone who doesn't frickin' argue about EVERYTHING.

Someone who just is conscious of a household and all the work it takes to maintain it, who shares in the little things that just have to be done and kept on top of. Like take out the trash once a week, unload the dishwasher because I hate to, scrub the tub once in a while, take turns mowing the lawn. Simple things, you know? He doesn't have to be my maid, just someone to share taking care of these necessities with. A guy who doesn't feel like he is HELPING me (I don't need any help!). A man who just does these things because they need to be done. Am I crazy?

Someone who has the ability or can figure out how to fix a problem around the house so that I don't have to try to figure EVERYTHING out. Like the toilet runs or there's something wrong with the fridge, or I have to order a new stove and how the hell do I get it home? Someone who will just take my car for an oil change because I just can't stay on top of that with a full-time job and all the other things that need to be done.

Someone who maybe goes to work M-F and works a full day. Someone I don't have to worry about what they are up to while they are supposed to be at work or while they're doing something with friends. Someone who will just take care of themselves, make relatively healthy decisions, and just live a normal, uncomplicated, non-dramatic, peaceful life together.

Someone who brings a little excitement and fun into my life every other weekend? Someone who will cuddle on the couch with me and watch a movie on Friday night. Someone who is motivated enough to get up early on Saturday to get the chores out of the way so we can spend the rest of the weekend actually enjoying life. Maybe go to a craft fair, or a walk in the park, or go on a canoe ride. He doesn't have to fly me to Paris on a Lear Jet.

I would like someone who will just carry the laundry baskets up from the basement, who might even fold a towel or two while I'm folding everything else; who talks to me while I'm folding.

A bonus would be someone who understands and shares my responsibility to take care of my aging parents.

And of course I would do all of the same and be a partner in taking care of his responsibilities too. Is all this just unattainable with someone else? Is this just me never being content in any relationship? Is this all just a fairy tale?

***

I don't know the answer. But it IS something I want for myself and for my life. But listen to this. Get this. I know you're not going to believe me. And this is the really, really sad part. Are you ready for this? The crackhead? That guy? The one who has been driving me insane the last two years of my life? That out-of-control, unpredictable, irresponsible tornado who would blow through my house, disrupt my routine, and create so much chaos? That wasteful, obnoxious, inattentive, womanizing gambler? He is ALL those things. He does ALL those things, and without complaint. Read it again, do you believe me? How do you explain that?

Here's the only way I can make sense of it: I think maybe the only reason he WAS all those things and did all those things, is because with that disease that has completely taken over his life? That disease that causes him to be so codependent? That disease that causes him to seek to be enabled? That disease makes him be whatever I want him to be!

Because I've watched him do the exact same thing with every other person in his life. He is exactly what everyone else who enables him wants him to be except who he really is. He just can't do these things, or be all these people, with any consistency. It's a juggling act. He just can't stay still and be self-monitoring. He just can't control himself. And worst of all, he just can't be faithful. Not to himself and not to anyone else.

And me? This time? After all my years of trying to help my brother, my sister-in-law, multiple friends, and so, so many other loved ones? The crackheads, the dopefiends, the pill poppers, the fall-down drunks, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives, and everyone else? This time, (to the best my consciousness, my health, and my sanity would allow) I did not try to make the addict healthy, I did not try to make his choices for him, I did not run around trying to hold him up, I did not try to fix him or his problems. And, I did not choose to let my life fall apart to support another person.

This time I was able to choose to stand by and let him make his own decisions. This time I was able to watch him fall and not try to catch him or pick him up. This time I accepted that he needs to stand on his own two feet. And my biggest triumph is that I did not try to make him, or manipulate him, or force him to be who I needed him to be.

This time, I am enough for me.

So why do I still feel so sad?