rainbow123

I'm certain everyone's situation is unique...But from what I keep reading, lots of things seem very similar for alcoholics and for nonalcoholics.

On a consistent basis my husband will tell me I do something and it's as if he takes my thoughts and makes them his own. for example, I have often felt as if he holds our relationship over my head when I say something he doesn't like leaving me with the impression he is leaving me. He will say I do this to him.

Or he will tell me I am trying to "manipulate" him for who knows what reason. and on and on. there isn't a feeling I haven't shared with him that he hasn't turned around and then used as his own.

It makes it impossible to have a conversation and it's very confusing to then have my own feelings.

Does this make any sense?

bookwyrm

Totally and absolutely. I have had this done to me so many times by STBXAH. He has also 'told' me how I feel and what I'm thinking and he projects his behaviour onto me. I ended up not knowing who I was, how I felt etc. It made my head spin and I stopped trusting myself. I ended up in a very dark place that counselling and medication helped get me out of.

It has taken me a long time to break free of his control - even when he isn't around! Try a search on gaslighting here in the forum. I think was part of my STBXAH's MO in controlling me and you may find many similarities to your own situation.


This is a form of abuse and you need to be really careful. These are some of the threads from the stickied posts that really helped me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ening-you.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...bal-abuse.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oint-view.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hemselves.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nse-blame.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ur-normal.html

Please take care of yourself!

kv816

I have been there too. It does get hard to tell how you're feeling or what's going on in your head and then a conversation is next to impossible. There have been many, MANY times I've wanted to throw my hands in the air and say "okay! If YOU feel the exact same way that I feel then what is so hard to figure out???" And he'd usually come back with how I'M the one who needs help to figure out what I'm thinking or feeling.

I know how you're feeling. Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom for you. Journaling really helped me. Checking out the forums here and meetings. It's been a roller coaster for me--up and down with I'm feeling good today to feeling like crap again tomorrow.

It does get better though. I'm doing better now than I was 6 months ago. And I hope 6 months from now I'm even better than I am today.

:ghug3

Thumper

It does make sense. I'm beginning to see how this is a factor in my relationship. I am really 'susceptible' to emotional abuse or emotional blackmail and so I need to deal with that for all my relationships. It is crazy making. My AH does it. I don't think he is doing it on purpose but he certainly does it. You are right, it makes real conversations very hard. They are hard when he is sober and he is really bad when he is drinking. Conversations are just doomed.

ItsmeAlice

Pointing the finger at you and not at themselves is a classic avoidance maneuver. It doesn't take an addict to perfect it though, although they do very well with it.

My XABF could run amok through the house when he was intoxicated. He'd leave a mess in his wake in every room of the house. It never failed to occur just after i spent time cleaning the house as well. Every single time I asked him (sober or not) to help out by cleaning his own messes, he would go into a rant about all the things he found wrong with me. So rather than someone saying hey sorry, I'll take care of it, I had to be worn down to feel like a complete mess of a person who didn't deserve even the right right to clean up after him. I am an intelligent and self-reliant woman. It amazes me to this day how easily he was able to break me into tears and how quickly I believed his crap.

I I know this was all about his beloved alcohol and not me at all. I wish I'd learned it sooner.

Jadmack25

Something I found a few years ago, listen to your A, because whatever he accuses you of or blames you for, there's a very good chance HE IS DOING, HAS DONE OR IS RESPONSIBLE FOR.

If you are accused of manipulation, guess who is an active expert at it.
If accused of flirting or infidelity, take a good look at their behavior and don't be surprised to find out that they have been "playing away from home."

Heard a young friend's drunken husband yell at her the other night, accusing her of "having a boy friend", and she just looked at him and said "I should be so lucky".
We roared laughing as he backed off and left, because she has 4 kids under 6 years of age, the baby being 4 months old. Like she has time to play around....DUH!

They will do anything they can to protect their lifestyle, and keeping you wondering or totally befuddled is only one way to keep you from looking at the real situation. If you are off balance and stuck on their agenda, you can't think about your business.

Detachment by their enabler and hostage, scares them to death.

God bless