a little accomplishment...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: AL
Posts: 34
a little accomplishment...
My husband called this morning to talk about picking up our daughter...I made it as quick as possible. At the end he said, "I'm ready to just let you go so you can find someone who isn't so 'abusive' and 'horrible' like I am."
Now typically, I would go into some explanation on how he isn't horrible, I never said he was and how I wasn't interested in finding anyone else, blah blah blah. I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of him making assumptions for me. I'm tired of being TOLD how I feel or what I think without asking ME. I AM capable of speaking for myself.
Today, for the first time, I simply said, "ok". and then got right back onto the subject of the pick up and hung up.
Such a small thing but I felt good about it. I didn't react, I didn't participate in it....
of course, when I got off the phone I wanted to call back and say my usual...but I didn't and I'm not going to
Now typically, I would go into some explanation on how he isn't horrible, I never said he was and how I wasn't interested in finding anyone else, blah blah blah. I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of him making assumptions for me. I'm tired of being TOLD how I feel or what I think without asking ME. I AM capable of speaking for myself.
Today, for the first time, I simply said, "ok". and then got right back onto the subject of the pick up and hung up.
Such a small thing but I felt good about it. I didn't react, I didn't participate in it....
of course, when I got off the phone I wanted to call back and say my usual...but I didn't and I'm not going to
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
of course, when I got off the phone I wanted to call back and say my usual...but I didn't and I'm not going to
Well done rainbow!
When I first got into AlAnon and I was just at a loss and overwhelmed at the realization that I had to seriously change I found it helpful to plan on not reacting to the alcoholics.
So I always tried to have some non-committal responses locked and loaded, like,
"Hunh."
"I see."
"Oh."
"I'm going to think about that."
It was important for me at the beginning to just buy myself some time because I would often, under stress, FORGET what I was learning and how I wanted to change and protect myself etc!
But that little pause and deep breath and the realization that I do not need to take the bait did wonders for me!
You did so well not biting on that passive/aggressive bone he tossed you!
peace-
b
Well done rainbow!
When I first got into AlAnon and I was just at a loss and overwhelmed at the realization that I had to seriously change I found it helpful to plan on not reacting to the alcoholics.
So I always tried to have some non-committal responses locked and loaded, like,
"Hunh."
"I see."
"Oh."
"I'm going to think about that."
It was important for me at the beginning to just buy myself some time because I would often, under stress, FORGET what I was learning and how I wanted to change and protect myself etc!
But that little pause and deep breath and the realization that I do not need to take the bait did wonders for me!
You did so well not biting on that passive/aggressive bone he tossed you!
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: AL
Posts: 34
thanks you guys...I'm trying, I really am. I realize I need to also work on not letting it stay in my head AFTER the fact. To be able to do it in the moment and not have to "fight the urge to not call back and do the same old." Can't do it all at once I suppose.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Well done!
I still have entire arguments with STBXAH in my head from time to time. I'll never say any of it but it can be hard to just let go of it all. Ah well, progress not perfection!
I still have entire arguments with STBXAH in my head from time to time. I'll never say any of it but it can be hard to just let go of it all. Ah well, progress not perfection!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Practice makes perfect, rainbow...
Its wonderful to regain control of our own life... and after a while you ask yourself.. WHERE WAS I ALL THIS TIME? LOL!
Good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its wonderful to regain control of our own life... and after a while you ask yourself.. WHERE WAS I ALL THIS TIME? LOL!
Good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by rainbow123 
Now typically, I would go into some explanation on how he isn't horrible, I never said he was and how I wasn't interested in finding anyone else, blah blah blah. I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of him making assumptions for me. I'm tired of being TOLD how I feel or what I think without asking ME. I AM capable of speaking for myself.
Today, for the first time, I simply said, "ok". and then got right back onto the subject of the pick up and hung up.
Such a small thing but I felt good about it. I didn't react, I didn't participate in it....
Today, for the first time, I simply said, "ok". and then got right back onto the subject of the pick up and hung up.
Such a small thing but I felt good about it. I didn't react, I didn't participate in it....
Way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I need to also work on not letting it stay in my head AFTER the fact
I hear you on this one, it's a big one for me. I have been known to rehash my convos with EX for days after. Now that I am going No Contact with him, surprisingly...no more of that, it feels gooooood.
I'm trying to apply the tools now with family and friends as well. I get very tossed up over people telling me what I should do to resolve a problem....shoot my mother tells me what she thinks I ought to do even if I haven't even mentioned having a problem with something. She heard me on the phone putting food in the dog's bowl and proceeded to say "you know what you ought to do is buy that gravy to put on top of her food." Huh?? What's that about?
My goal instead of not rehashing the convos in my head later on is to just not have the responses pop up in my head in the first place. My very own mental filter. Nothing to bite back then, right?
CONGRATS AGAIN ON A JOB WELL DONE!!!
Alice
I hear you on this one, it's a big one for me. I have been known to rehash my convos with EX for days after. Now that I am going No Contact with him, surprisingly...no more of that, it feels gooooood.
I'm trying to apply the tools now with family and friends as well. I get very tossed up over people telling me what I should do to resolve a problem....shoot my mother tells me what she thinks I ought to do even if I haven't even mentioned having a problem with something. She heard me on the phone putting food in the dog's bowl and proceeded to say "you know what you ought to do is buy that gravy to put on top of her food." Huh?? What's that about?
My goal instead of not rehashing the convos in my head later on is to just not have the responses pop up in my head in the first place. My very own mental filter. Nothing to bite back then, right?
CONGRATS AGAIN ON A JOB WELL DONE!!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Well done rainbow123, another step forward for you. It is hard not to go over the conversation afterwards, trying to work out what they really meant, but there-in lies our insanity. After all, it is impossible to decipher comments when the sender often doesn't even know the code they are using.
Keep on the path you have taken, as it gets easier the longer you are on it.
God bless
Keep on the path you have taken, as it gets easier the longer you are on it.
God bless
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