kenny81

I recently got married and believe my wife is back into drugs. She was hard into heroin long before I met her (6 years) and she had gone through a rehab and recovery program successfully. I dated her for over three years and she had two incidents with prescription pills but other than that we have been so happy and the most in love couple. I recently found some drug paraphernalia in the house after a couple of days where she was acting strange.

Since we got married things have kind of changed and I have been suspecting of things on and off since. She denies anything every time I confront her.

I am so sad because I love her so so much and we had such a wonderful life together and if she is back into drugs I just want to make sure I do the right thing for both of us. It is already affecting my life as I am much less motivated at work and don't enjoy my day to day life as I used to.

Please help me, should I separate from her? Get a divorce? Or send her to a rehab facility, she has already done the rehab thing so I kind of feel helpless and don't want to spend the rest of my life like this? I know this person is my true soul-mate and I never will love anyone like this again and it is extremely important for me to do what is best for her and me.

Thanks

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Someone will be along shortly to share their experience, strength and hope.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

ItsmeAlice

Welcome Kenny!

I am happy to see you reaching out here, though I am sad at the reasons that have brought you.

There will be many others along to lend their support and understanding. You will hear often that love cannot cure an addiction, if it could we would not have a need for this place. You will also hear that only she can seek long-lasting and true recovery for herself and no one else. Going to rehab via intervention or at the behest of a spouse will only get the person in the seat. It can't engage them in the hard work needed to have a life free of their addiction.

For you there is hope of recovery regardless of her decisions. There is much to learn in the way of detaching with love, how to cope with the selfishness and lying that addiction brings, and how to focus on yourself and your needs. There is no need to make any decision to separate or divorce and the like. Give those answers a chance to come in their own time.

I encourage you to read all you can here, reach out and ask questions, work through your emotions and progress. There is much more with meetings, therapy, books, journalling, etc that will help you in this process. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

I look forward to hearing more from you. Again, welcome to SR!

Alice

teke

hi kenny, welcome

sorry you are having troubles but so glad you are here. lots of experience, strength and hope here. read all you can including the stickies at the top of the forum page. check out 'WHAT ADDICTS DO'. post as much as you like, you are not alone here. either we been there or is there now so we do understand. i'm a recovering addict married but now separated from an active addict of 23 yrs.

we recommend alanon and naranon meetings for family members of addicts. check your area and began attending. if you don't already know, they are face to face support groups that helps in learning how to cope and to understand addiction and co dependancy.

you've offered her rehab so there is not much else you can do to help her other than began to focus more on taking care of you. living with addiction effects all who love an addict, we usually need help too. there is probably nothing you can do or say that will make her stop using, she will have to want to stop for herself.

it is up to you whether you stay with her or leave but until you decide, it is recommended that you set boundaries for yourself concerning her, with consequences that you are sure you can follow through on. what behavior are you willing to live with or not live with. protect your finances and valuables.

it took for my family to leave me to my own destruction allowing me to suffer the consequences of my own action before i was desperated enough to seek help and follow through on a path to recovery. again i'm sorry, and welcome. i will keep the both of you in my prayers.

barblsn

Welcome Kenny:

[QUOTE=kenny81;2370015]I recently got married and believe my wife is back into drugs. She was hard into heroin long before I met her (6 years) and she had gone through a rehab and recovery program successfully. I dated her for over three years and she had two incidents with prescription pills but other than that we have been so happy and the most in love couple. I recently found some drug paraphernalia in the house after a couple of days where she was acting strange.
Since we got married things have kind of changed and I have been suspecting of things on and off since. She denies anything every time I confront her.

Addicts lie. Don't waste energy second guessing, analyzing, etc. If you think she's using, she is.


I am so sad because I love her so so much and we had such a wonderful life together and if she is back into drugs I just want to make sure I do the right thing for both of us. It is already affecting my life as I am much less motivated at work and don't enjoy my day to day life as I
used to.

Sorry, you can't. Not while she's actively using. You can only do the right thing for you.

Please help me, should I separate from her? Get a divorce? Or send her to a rehab facility, she has already done the rehab thing so I kind of feel helpless and don't want to spend the rest of my life like this? I know this person is my true soul-mate and I never will love anyone like this again and it is extremely important for me to do what is best for her and me.

Can't "send her". She has to want to go, first of all to get approved by your health insurance, but more importantly, she has to want to go if she is going to be successful. The hardest part about loving an addict is not being able to make them stop. Never. You can't. So, you must take care of yourself. Keep coming here, reading the posts, going to Nar-anon and Al-anon meetings if you are comfortable with that. HANG IN THERE.

URMYEVERYTHING

Hi Kenny! Welcome!

I had a similiar situation with my BF, however, I wasn't married to him nor was he leaving with me for a significant amount of time. All I can say is this... seperate from her and let her find her own help. If you remain and continue to enable she will continue with the same behavior, unfortunately. Also, if you remain, you will continue to get sucked into her behaviors as you are starting to feel it as stated in your quote, "It is already affecting my life as I am much less motivated at work and don't enjoy my day to day life as I used to."

There is NOTHING.... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.... you can do to help a person, wife, son, daughter, boyfriend, sister, brother, parent, etc. get clean. They will have to want it for themselves. Seperating from her may be the best thing for her.

ventuhome

Welcome Kenny. There is a saying we have called the "3 C's" : You did not CAUSE the addiction. You can not CONTROL the addiction. You can not CURE the addiction.
All you can do is take care of yourself. My brother is in the same situation as you, his wife is addicted to opiates. She has been in rehab 3 -4 times before. This time she went to rehab then joined NA and he joined NarAnon. She is coming up on 6 months clean, the longest clean time she's had in years. So rehab could work for your wife, but she must want to get clean for herself. You need to make some boundaries for yourself, what you will or will not live with. Its up to you if you want to continue to live with someone in active addiction. Another thing to consider is since you are married, she can legally use all the assets you have to feed her addiction. Get yourself a separate checking account.

URMYEVERYTHING

I agree with Ventuhome.... protect yourself immediately.

Freeze or transfer any accounts that won't have you drained in the end.

Lock up or store any valuables away from the house so they won't end up pawned.

Put up clear boundaries about drugs in the home... If they are in the home and police are on to her for whatever reason... you are going down with her as well. Consider this too, if drugs and paraphernalia are in the cars you share.

I'm not meaning to post these details to scare you but to inform you of the dangers of addiction. And, yes, I would confront her about the paraphernalia you found in YOUR house.

Learn2Live

Kenny, I recommend you find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting and start there. The sooner, the better.

kj3880

In addition, be very careful when you drive with her in a car. Decline taking her to cop drugs, and be aware that if you are going anywhere for any length of time more than a couple of hours, it is likely (she is an opiate addict) that she will have some dope on her. Opiate addicts don't like to be without their stuff for long at all. We get squirrelly about it. So if you get stopped in the car, she may try to hide it in between the seats, and then if the police find it, they will probably have to lock up both of you.

If you leave town with her on a vacation, even for one night, she would have to bring some dope. Be careful she doesn't stow it in your bags if you travel on airplanes or cruise ships.

Just another "fun fact" about life with an active opiate addict. S@cks, doesn't it?

Love,
KJ

kenny81

Hey everyone. My wife relapsed on drugs as I suspected last summer. I was really broken and ready to leave and she got sober, hit 90 in 90 and just celebrated one year. It is my dream come true. However I am really struggling now because of the pain, I am resentful and very scared of being hurt again. She is also very insecure about herself and is often filled with rage, anger and jealousy. I have just kind of detached myself from her and don't really want to be around her anymore. There is a constant unhappiness between us. The problem is that I love her so much and care for her so much and don't really want to leave her. I also feel so sorry for her because she has worked so hard on her sobriety and now our relationship isn't working out. Is this kind of thing at all common? I don't know what to do, my rational side tells me to leave because our problems are so deep and I am currently tremendously affected at work due to all of this. My heart is so sad for her and tells me I could never abandon her and that she deserves my unconditional love. If anyone can relate with me I would appreciate some advice or support

Chino

Have you been working your own recovery program?

keepinon

How about some therapy with someone specializing in addiction? I know for me, once my daughter stopped alot of resentments came up.Like I could finally get angry now that she was getting treatment.I think it's very normal. Also being scared of relapse is normal too, alanon helps!

coffeedrinker

it sounds as though couples, and/or individual therapy would be a good idea. navigating your resentments and deep issues with each other would be challenging to the point of probably not being able to effectively do it.

i understand loving unconditionally, and with all your heart. i was so in love with my xabf, but terribly unhappy in the relationship as well. so i know having both at the same time is possible.

as to the fear, i think that time is your friend on this. rebuilding trust is a booger, and there is no shortcut. each time that she follows through on a promise, or tells a truth instead of a lie, it's a little building block. you need many blocks to end up with a strong house.

ZombieWife

Hey there Ken,

Sometimes it takes more than one trip to rehab (and into recovery) for it to "stick." Even then, we (the loved ones/friends of recovering addicts) must live with the notion that they COULD use again, and slip,and fall, and have to start from square one.

I remember asking myself, "do I want to live this way for the rest of my life? Waiting for the other shoe to drop?"

The answer? That's not how it works. When you (the loved one, the one who is addicted TO the addict and the addict's drama/circumstances) find your own recovery, you learn to put yourself first, I guess.

Only you can make these big decisions here. What I always tell people is to look at the behavior and remove the "drug factor." Are they acting in a way that's unacceptable--regardless of whether or not they are using? If so, would you put up with that from anyone else? A stranger on the street? A sibling, cousin, family member?

(huge hugs)

Freedom1990

With all due respect, as an adult and an addict in long-term recovery, I don't ever want someone to 'feel sorry' for me, regardless of the situation.

I fed into that sort of thing when I was active in my addictions.

What I appreciate more than anything is perhaps some empathy, and people allowing me the dignity to get through rough spots.

It's a breath of fresh air to have other addicts in recovery listen to me if I need a sounding board, and tell me they have every confidence that I will get through it.

Life can be tough. That's a fact. It's how I deal with it that makes the difference.

No one promised me life would be peachy keen after I went through rehab, or after a year clean, or after 20 years clean.

Your wife had been through rehab before.

She made the choice to return to active addiction.

Now the aftermath of that choice has affected your marriage.

My best suggestion is not to feel sorry for her.

I found myself not only divorced, but the single mother of two daughters early in my recovery.

The worst thing anyone could have done was pat me on the back, thinking "Oh you poor thing, all this after finding recovery."

Give her the dignity to face her consequences, and dig into your own recovery!