New to SR, let me introduce myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 7
New to SR, let me introduce myself.
Hi, I'm Anders. New to SR, happy to have found this place.
42 year old male, married with two kids (age 3 and 6), stable good job.
For as long as I can remember, I've had a "healthy" relationship with alcohol. Meaning, a beer or a glass of wine here and there, maybe a bit more on the weekends. Very moderate, very normal.
Then, after getting married and having our first child, it became a "nightly beer". Meaning, one beer a night, but it was almost every night. After our baby was in bed, it was my evening "relaxation".
Then came our second child, who was more difficult than our first. It was also around this time that I was laid off from work, life became very stressful. Work and trying to find a job became stressful, and home life was stressful and not a particularly happy place.
I started self-medicating my depression with slugs of hard alcohol, on top of the nightly beer. Never falling down drunk, mind you, just enough to keep me in a happy numb state in the evening, to ward off the depression. I kept this from my wife, became my "dirty little secret". I kind of knew I was developing a bad habit and was abusing alcohol, but like so many addicts, fell into the familiar denial "I can stop whenever I want to; I just don't want to right now." At the height of my abuse, I would go through a few fifths of vodka in a week.
Life has gotten better; the kids are older and are tantrumming less and getting along better. I've found another good, stable job that I enjoy, but the now-established habit of my evening "medicine" continued. This all took place over the course of the past couple of years, until about a month ago.
We went on a (beach) vacation with my family, and everyone in my family drinks. Of course there was plenty of alcohol flowing over the week, and I was happy to indulge because... why not, it's VACATION, right? Beers around noon, more around the pool in the afternoon, margaritas after dinner, the whole nine yards.
The day we were flying back home, I decided it was time to get my act together and stop this nonsense. I was going to turn a new leaf, stop drinking "cold turkey" for a while and then slowly get myself back to where I used to be, having a "healthy" relationship with alcohol, meaning one or two beers A WEEK at most.
Well, here I am about a month into sobriety and I am still experiencing withdrawal. I must have been more dependent than I thought. I started experiencing symptoms on the flight home. Normally I am a calm flier but I started having anxiety on the plane... panic, clammy cold sweats, an "out of body" experience. It gradually passed, but it is something I have been dealing with for the past month. It was the worst for the first two weeks; the last two weeks have been slowly getting better but I still get waves of anxiety and this "out of body" experience every now and then. I never got shakes or tremors or hallucinations, just the anxiety attacks, loss of appetite and occasional nausea.
My wife noticed that I haven't been drinking lately and asked if anything's wrong. I just sort of dismissed it, saying I haven't been feeling well, have been feeling kind of nauseous since vacation. Finally, after about three weeks and a particularly bad day of nausea and anxiety, I confessed to what had been going on with me and that I was scared that I was in withdrawal. She was very supportive, and continues to be.
Maybe I am still in denial, but I am convinced that what happened over the last couple of years was a situational period of alcohol abuse, and that I can get past this and return to a "normal" relationship with alcohol. This is my first time making a sincere effort and I haven't had a single craving for a drink in over a month.
I understand that for many on this forum, "moderate" drinking is not an option but I am interested in hearing from those who have been able to kick an abusive habit and return to having a "normal" relationship with alcohol. All opinions and viewpoints are welcome, of course.
Thanks for reading and God bless.
42 year old male, married with two kids (age 3 and 6), stable good job.
For as long as I can remember, I've had a "healthy" relationship with alcohol. Meaning, a beer or a glass of wine here and there, maybe a bit more on the weekends. Very moderate, very normal.
Then, after getting married and having our first child, it became a "nightly beer". Meaning, one beer a night, but it was almost every night. After our baby was in bed, it was my evening "relaxation".
Then came our second child, who was more difficult than our first. It was also around this time that I was laid off from work, life became very stressful. Work and trying to find a job became stressful, and home life was stressful and not a particularly happy place.
I started self-medicating my depression with slugs of hard alcohol, on top of the nightly beer. Never falling down drunk, mind you, just enough to keep me in a happy numb state in the evening, to ward off the depression. I kept this from my wife, became my "dirty little secret". I kind of knew I was developing a bad habit and was abusing alcohol, but like so many addicts, fell into the familiar denial "I can stop whenever I want to; I just don't want to right now." At the height of my abuse, I would go through a few fifths of vodka in a week.
Life has gotten better; the kids are older and are tantrumming less and getting along better. I've found another good, stable job that I enjoy, but the now-established habit of my evening "medicine" continued. This all took place over the course of the past couple of years, until about a month ago.
We went on a (beach) vacation with my family, and everyone in my family drinks. Of course there was plenty of alcohol flowing over the week, and I was happy to indulge because... why not, it's VACATION, right? Beers around noon, more around the pool in the afternoon, margaritas after dinner, the whole nine yards.
The day we were flying back home, I decided it was time to get my act together and stop this nonsense. I was going to turn a new leaf, stop drinking "cold turkey" for a while and then slowly get myself back to where I used to be, having a "healthy" relationship with alcohol, meaning one or two beers A WEEK at most.
Well, here I am about a month into sobriety and I am still experiencing withdrawal. I must have been more dependent than I thought. I started experiencing symptoms on the flight home. Normally I am a calm flier but I started having anxiety on the plane... panic, clammy cold sweats, an "out of body" experience. It gradually passed, but it is something I have been dealing with for the past month. It was the worst for the first two weeks; the last two weeks have been slowly getting better but I still get waves of anxiety and this "out of body" experience every now and then. I never got shakes or tremors or hallucinations, just the anxiety attacks, loss of appetite and occasional nausea.
My wife noticed that I haven't been drinking lately and asked if anything's wrong. I just sort of dismissed it, saying I haven't been feeling well, have been feeling kind of nauseous since vacation. Finally, after about three weeks and a particularly bad day of nausea and anxiety, I confessed to what had been going on with me and that I was scared that I was in withdrawal. She was very supportive, and continues to be.
Maybe I am still in denial, but I am convinced that what happened over the last couple of years was a situational period of alcohol abuse, and that I can get past this and return to a "normal" relationship with alcohol. This is my first time making a sincere effort and I haven't had a single craving for a drink in over a month.
I understand that for many on this forum, "moderate" drinking is not an option but I am interested in hearing from those who have been able to kick an abusive habit and return to having a "normal" relationship with alcohol. All opinions and viewpoints are welcome, of course.
Thanks for reading and God bless.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Hey Anders!! Sounds to me like you are already on the right track. Yeah, that alcohol gets real nasty. Totally relate to your post. I got much worse though. So glad to see you taking a VERY healthy look at it all. I cannot relate to "healthy" drinking what so ever. I start drinking and it's going to be "on" again. Enough for me.
I'm sure you're going to get tons of responses. Welcome to SR!!!
I'm sure you're going to get tons of responses. Welcome to SR!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi and Welcome,
I cannot drink normally because I am an alcoholic.
I tried for ages, with great determination to moderate my drinking. All I did was obsess about drinking and slowly but surely, get worse in my addiction.
I cannot drink normally because I am an alcoholic.
I tried for ages, with great determination to moderate my drinking. All I did was obsess about drinking and slowly but surely, get worse in my addiction.
Meow
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Great Lakes State
Posts: 1,585
Welcome, Anders. I'm on day 5 myself and have been thinking long and hard about my relationship with alcohol and why I drank so much. I think in my case it is very, very mental - alcohol is just so much a part of the fabric of my life. (BTW, I am 44, married with one child, a professional with an excellent, stable job, and participate in a sport.)
I have been looking at life without it. Wondering if once I get steady with sobriety I can behave "normally". Then I think, do I really want to? What, really, am I going to gain by drinking normally?
So what are the advantages of drinking normally?
I can have a beer every once in a while, the taste of which I like. Of course, I also like the taste of flavored water and of strawberry smoothies, just as well.
I also like an occasional glass of wine with dinner - it enhances the flavor of the meal. True, it does. However, fine food and good company can also stand by themselves.
I suppose drinking normally would make me not stand out at a party or football game, etc. Then again, who cares if I stand out like that?
Then I think of what would happen if it turns out that I cannot drink normally. That my problem is really a true addiction even if I don't want to believe it. What would happen is that I would return to where I was last month - drinking too much, worried about my health, worried about the effect of my drinking on my son, worried about how I can stop. Worried I'm going to get worse.
Is it worth it? For me - I'm thinking no.
Best of luck in your journey. This is a good place here.
I have been looking at life without it. Wondering if once I get steady with sobriety I can behave "normally". Then I think, do I really want to? What, really, am I going to gain by drinking normally?
So what are the advantages of drinking normally?
I can have a beer every once in a while, the taste of which I like. Of course, I also like the taste of flavored water and of strawberry smoothies, just as well.
I also like an occasional glass of wine with dinner - it enhances the flavor of the meal. True, it does. However, fine food and good company can also stand by themselves.
I suppose drinking normally would make me not stand out at a party or football game, etc. Then again, who cares if I stand out like that?
Then I think of what would happen if it turns out that I cannot drink normally. That my problem is really a true addiction even if I don't want to believe it. What would happen is that I would return to where I was last month - drinking too much, worried about my health, worried about the effect of my drinking on my son, worried about how I can stop. Worried I'm going to get worse.
Is it worth it? For me - I'm thinking no.
Best of luck in your journey. This is a good place here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Anders - welcome to SR
Sorry to hear you're still suffering withdrawal symptoms - I'm not a doctor but there is a syndrome known as Post Acute Withdrawal that maybe worth looking into
Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center
I wish you luck in your desire to return to 'normal' drinking...I tried for 20 years and it was not possible for me
D
Sorry to hear you're still suffering withdrawal symptoms - I'm not a doctor but there is a syndrome known as Post Acute Withdrawal that maybe worth looking into
Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center
I wish you luck in your desire to return to 'normal' drinking...I tried for 20 years and it was not possible for me
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi Anders! Oh, how I wanted to be able to be a social drinker. For me, it wasn't possible, and I almost died trying to "have a few now and then". If there was a way for me to enjoy drinks on vacations and holidays I would be doing it - but trying to limit it to that led me on the road to hell every time. That's not to say it would ever be like that for you. You are thinking you'll be able to use willpower to control yourself and avoid slipping back into abuse mode - and maybe you can. I cannot. Glad you are here with us, and welcome.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Hi Anders, I read your whole post.
I used to be a social drinker too.
I took the drinks... and eventually, over time, the drinks took me.
I finally decided that my body had reached 'saturation' point with alcohol and gave it up.
(I like the word 'tantrumming', I'm gonna use it.)
Keep coming back.
I used to be a social drinker too.
I took the drinks... and eventually, over time, the drinks took me.
I finally decided that my body had reached 'saturation' point with alcohol and gave it up.
(I like the word 'tantrumming', I'm gonna use it.)
Keep coming back.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Welcome to SR!
I think many of us in those early days wanted a 'normal' relationship with alcohol. What you are wanting is certainly nothing a lot of people have tried to have.
Just depends on how normal of a life you wish to lead.
We're glad you're here.
I think many of us in those early days wanted a 'normal' relationship with alcohol. What you are wanting is certainly nothing a lot of people have tried to have.
Just depends on how normal of a life you wish to lead.
We're glad you're here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 7
After some meditation and journaling today, I came to an important realization.
In my case anyway, i started drinking heavily to relieve depression and anxiety. Once I decided to stop, the withdrawal caused me to experience depression and anxiety that was much more severe than I ever had in the first place.
In my case anyway, i started drinking heavily to relieve depression and anxiety. Once I decided to stop, the withdrawal caused me to experience depression and anxiety that was much more severe than I ever had in the first place.
I look forward to reading your posts & your journey to recovery.Love my puppies
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: lala land
Posts: 150
Welcome Anders. Going thru such withdrawls should tell you exactly how bad your alcoholism really is. Yes your depression and anxiety is worse, you've just lost your best friend/worst enemy...and you're no longer self medicating. Emotions are the most intense when you stop drinking.
I also, as so many others here have said, thought that I could control it and go back to social drinking. After countless atempts at that, I finally realized that I couldn't control it, it controled me.
I think if deep down you didn't think you have a serious problem, you wouldn't have ended up on this site. Good luck to you. :ghug3
I also, as so many others here have said, thought that I could control it and go back to social drinking. After countless atempts at that, I finally realized that I couldn't control it, it controled me.
I think if deep down you didn't think you have a serious problem, you wouldn't have ended up on this site. Good luck to you. :ghug3
One Foot in Front of the Other
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 582
Welcome, Anders. If the groundswell of well wishes and support I've received so far is any indication, this is a very supportive and insightful place to be.
I can identify with the feelings of anxiety. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2005, though looking back, I have had these problems since back in college, at least. I'm 33 now. I think the reason I was able to go on without medication for so long was that I could self-medicate with beer. Then even that didn't seem to be enough.
I'm really, really glad to see that you were honest with your wife. As I've contemplated my own sobriety, I always worried that she would see me as not as "cool" or "fun" as I used to be. Thankfully, in talking things out with her I have come to realize that she is supportive of whatever I need to do to be well. I know I am going to desperately need this support, as will you. And it does make things easier to deal with...not easy...but easier.
Good luck to you in your journey.
I can identify with the feelings of anxiety. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2005, though looking back, I have had these problems since back in college, at least. I'm 33 now. I think the reason I was able to go on without medication for so long was that I could self-medicate with beer. Then even that didn't seem to be enough.
I'm really, really glad to see that you were honest with your wife. As I've contemplated my own sobriety, I always worried that she would see me as not as "cool" or "fun" as I used to be. Thankfully, in talking things out with her I have come to realize that she is supportive of whatever I need to do to be well. I know I am going to desperately need this support, as will you. And it does make things easier to deal with...not easy...but easier.
Good luck to you in your journey.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
Hey!
It would really depend a lot on how often you used alcohol. I think there is some period of no return if you abuse alcohol too much. Something is triggered in your mind that does not allow you to return to drinking anything because frankly the pull to over-drink is too strong. I am not sure if this is the case with you, but perhaps.
I understand the withdrawal symptom-phase (as I'm sure we all do). Experiencing withdrawals usually means you drank too much, for too long.
You mention wanting to keep drinking, I guess "socially," or intermitently. Have you ever found this to be effective? Or did you usually fall into a routine of escessive drinking. You mention being able to handle a few beers a week, but was this recently, or a while ago? When was the last time you could actually handle a few beers a week?
Good luck man. I think all of us here know how you feel.
It would really depend a lot on how often you used alcohol. I think there is some period of no return if you abuse alcohol too much. Something is triggered in your mind that does not allow you to return to drinking anything because frankly the pull to over-drink is too strong. I am not sure if this is the case with you, but perhaps.
I understand the withdrawal symptom-phase (as I'm sure we all do). Experiencing withdrawals usually means you drank too much, for too long.
You mention wanting to keep drinking, I guess "socially," or intermitently. Have you ever found this to be effective? Or did you usually fall into a routine of escessive drinking. You mention being able to handle a few beers a week, but was this recently, or a while ago? When was the last time you could actually handle a few beers a week?
Good luck man. I think all of us here know how you feel.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Welcome... Alot of great stuff above. The only thing I might suggest is communicating straight up with the wife as to what you are trying to do. I have found the wealth of knowledge and experience invaluable in my "recovery" so far. Humbly on day 46 this time.
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