Humiliation, Shame, Embarassment ... Forgiveness
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Join Date: May 2008
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Humiliation, Shame, Embarassment ... Forgiveness
I haven't posted much about myself for a long time. Partly because I've been hesitant to hear what you have to say, partly because I knew what you all would say.
To the point. My RAH got out of rehab in January. He was clean for about 2 weeks and relapsed. It was pills and heroin again. It took me a while to detect it, but eventually did and became able to peg him quickly when he'd used. He enrolled in a local IOP and was still using. Tried suboxone and had adverse effects with it, went back to using. Doctors thought maybe his receptors were permanently screwed up from his hard and prolonged usage. He tried cold turkey many, many times. He detoxed hard and for weeks, gave up and relapsed. Over and over and over again. He genuinely tried, wanted it but couldn't do it on his own.
He is now on methadone. 100 ml a day. He drives to a clinic 6x a week to be dosed. He's just now stabilizing on the methadone and the dose is most likely where it will stay. He's been on methadone for about a month. He'll most likely be on it for a while if not forever.
I was adamantly against Methadone as he has abused it in the past (used it to get off of oxy's on his own - non rx). He'd called his counselor @ the rehab in Fla that he was at because they became pretty close. He was asking his advice about what to do if his receptors were whacked and he couldn't take subs. His counselor just said whatever it takes. If it's methadone, so be it. He of course suggested meetings and prayer. Truth be told his meetings are few and far between. He's not a talker, never has been. He's not much of a listener either. He has read the blue book, but I can almost guarantee that he'll never do the 12 steps in depth, though he will attend meetings.
He seems to be doing extremely well on methadone. I will say that he used for about the first week while being on methadone (which was about 4 weeks ago). He looks good, he's gaining weight back, the sparkle is back in his eyes, he's been helping a ton around the house, in the yard and with the kids. He's slowly coming back to life again. I am starting to see the same person that I saw when he stepped off the plane fresh out of rehab. He's looking for a job and trying to clean up some of the financial mess he created last year when he was fully in his addiction. He's just NOW starting to realize what he's done over the last year and the devastation that it's caused. I'm for sure dealing with a much more stable, contributing partner.
The reason for the post is me. I do not know how to or if it's even possible to get past the shame, humiliation, guilt, resentment that I feel towards him and his addiction. I'm on the fence. One minute I want to roll all of it up into a big ball and toss it out of my life (him included). The next minute I see what good that he's been doing lately and how much things have improved for him. I feel like I've fought so hard against his addiction, and I'm leaving before I reap the rewards.
I feel shame because of everything he's done and because of what society knows about what he's done. I feel shame because I've stayed. I feel resentment and extreme anger at what he's done to me and put me through. How he just got lost into his addiction for about a year, leaving me to fend for myself and our two great kids. How he stole, pawned things and lied. Oh, the lies. I bounce back and forth between extreme hatred - not at the H that I know, but the addicted H. I also feel resentment towards myself for tolerating it. I feel guilt for staying because I deserve better than that. I feel guilt for him leaving as well. Guilt for my two awesome kids coming from a divorced family, guilt for the life that he'll never have again.
I feel embarassment - extreme embarassment because of his addiction. To the point that I don't want to be seen in public with him for the most part. I do care about him, I do feel love for him. The love that I feel is not wifely love, although I think it could be if he remains clean and gets the mess cleaned up that his addiction created. (though I do think this embarassment would subside if he continues on the same path and gets a job)
My question is is it even possible to tear all of those emotions, feelings to shreds and start over? Truth be told, if I were to meet H today for the first time WITHOUT all of the history - we would be fine. If we could start over WITHOUT addiction in the picture, things would be perfect. We get along well, we laugh and joke around, we do things as a family etc. I feel as though everything that we've built was built on sand and for years I kept trying to rebuild, rebuild, rebuild. Is it possible to start over with a firm foundation on rock? Or has too much damage and devastation happened for things to be repaired. I look around at my life. I have a 'picture perfect family' from the outside. IF he remains 'clean' and things remain stable is it possible to have that picture perfect on the inside too?
When he's clean my H is a great guy and we're have many of the same qualities, wants and needs. Is it possible to start over? If so, how. Is it possible to forgive? If so, how. I am by nature a forgiving person. But he's done things to me over and over and over again. ANY shred of trust that I had for him is completely absent. gone. Could it be repaired? Probably if he continues the way he has been consistantly.
Many on here say go by what their ACTIONS are, not their words. If I base things on actions then I like what I see right now. I just don't trust that it will last. He's for sure earned every feeling and emotion that I'm feeling. I honestly have not seen him do so well in years. I am seeing the old person that I fell for. He's even said that he's not felt this good in years. He said that for the first time he feels good and normal. He said he's always had to rely on drugs to achieve that.
I am going to my first Alanon (meetings are far away) tonight. I attempted to go to one a few months ago and after I got the courage to go, it was listed online wrong. I have read cd no more 2x - I know that just as my AH was advanced in his drug use, I am advanced in my codepency.
I am asking for your honest, but gentle opinions. I cannot take beatings right now. I appreciate any insight that you can give me. Sometimes I resent myself for even posting. I've been here for over a year - a year of my life wasted on addiction. I am 38, H is 39. We've been together 22 years. HS sweethearts. Married for 14. If any of that matters. I feel beaten, worn down and battered. I've been through a storm. Do I leave before I enjoy any sunshine? I've been at this long enough to know there is ALWAYS the chance for another storm.
Thanks guys.
To the point. My RAH got out of rehab in January. He was clean for about 2 weeks and relapsed. It was pills and heroin again. It took me a while to detect it, but eventually did and became able to peg him quickly when he'd used. He enrolled in a local IOP and was still using. Tried suboxone and had adverse effects with it, went back to using. Doctors thought maybe his receptors were permanently screwed up from his hard and prolonged usage. He tried cold turkey many, many times. He detoxed hard and for weeks, gave up and relapsed. Over and over and over again. He genuinely tried, wanted it but couldn't do it on his own.
He is now on methadone. 100 ml a day. He drives to a clinic 6x a week to be dosed. He's just now stabilizing on the methadone and the dose is most likely where it will stay. He's been on methadone for about a month. He'll most likely be on it for a while if not forever.
I was adamantly against Methadone as he has abused it in the past (used it to get off of oxy's on his own - non rx). He'd called his counselor @ the rehab in Fla that he was at because they became pretty close. He was asking his advice about what to do if his receptors were whacked and he couldn't take subs. His counselor just said whatever it takes. If it's methadone, so be it. He of course suggested meetings and prayer. Truth be told his meetings are few and far between. He's not a talker, never has been. He's not much of a listener either. He has read the blue book, but I can almost guarantee that he'll never do the 12 steps in depth, though he will attend meetings.
He seems to be doing extremely well on methadone. I will say that he used for about the first week while being on methadone (which was about 4 weeks ago). He looks good, he's gaining weight back, the sparkle is back in his eyes, he's been helping a ton around the house, in the yard and with the kids. He's slowly coming back to life again. I am starting to see the same person that I saw when he stepped off the plane fresh out of rehab. He's looking for a job and trying to clean up some of the financial mess he created last year when he was fully in his addiction. He's just NOW starting to realize what he's done over the last year and the devastation that it's caused. I'm for sure dealing with a much more stable, contributing partner.
The reason for the post is me. I do not know how to or if it's even possible to get past the shame, humiliation, guilt, resentment that I feel towards him and his addiction. I'm on the fence. One minute I want to roll all of it up into a big ball and toss it out of my life (him included). The next minute I see what good that he's been doing lately and how much things have improved for him. I feel like I've fought so hard against his addiction, and I'm leaving before I reap the rewards.
I feel shame because of everything he's done and because of what society knows about what he's done. I feel shame because I've stayed. I feel resentment and extreme anger at what he's done to me and put me through. How he just got lost into his addiction for about a year, leaving me to fend for myself and our two great kids. How he stole, pawned things and lied. Oh, the lies. I bounce back and forth between extreme hatred - not at the H that I know, but the addicted H. I also feel resentment towards myself for tolerating it. I feel guilt for staying because I deserve better than that. I feel guilt for him leaving as well. Guilt for my two awesome kids coming from a divorced family, guilt for the life that he'll never have again.
I feel embarassment - extreme embarassment because of his addiction. To the point that I don't want to be seen in public with him for the most part. I do care about him, I do feel love for him. The love that I feel is not wifely love, although I think it could be if he remains clean and gets the mess cleaned up that his addiction created. (though I do think this embarassment would subside if he continues on the same path and gets a job)
My question is is it even possible to tear all of those emotions, feelings to shreds and start over? Truth be told, if I were to meet H today for the first time WITHOUT all of the history - we would be fine. If we could start over WITHOUT addiction in the picture, things would be perfect. We get along well, we laugh and joke around, we do things as a family etc. I feel as though everything that we've built was built on sand and for years I kept trying to rebuild, rebuild, rebuild. Is it possible to start over with a firm foundation on rock? Or has too much damage and devastation happened for things to be repaired. I look around at my life. I have a 'picture perfect family' from the outside. IF he remains 'clean' and things remain stable is it possible to have that picture perfect on the inside too?
When he's clean my H is a great guy and we're have many of the same qualities, wants and needs. Is it possible to start over? If so, how. Is it possible to forgive? If so, how. I am by nature a forgiving person. But he's done things to me over and over and over again. ANY shred of trust that I had for him is completely absent. gone. Could it be repaired? Probably if he continues the way he has been consistantly.
Many on here say go by what their ACTIONS are, not their words. If I base things on actions then I like what I see right now. I just don't trust that it will last. He's for sure earned every feeling and emotion that I'm feeling. I honestly have not seen him do so well in years. I am seeing the old person that I fell for. He's even said that he's not felt this good in years. He said that for the first time he feels good and normal. He said he's always had to rely on drugs to achieve that.
I am going to my first Alanon (meetings are far away) tonight. I attempted to go to one a few months ago and after I got the courage to go, it was listed online wrong. I have read cd no more 2x - I know that just as my AH was advanced in his drug use, I am advanced in my codepency.
I am asking for your honest, but gentle opinions. I cannot take beatings right now. I appreciate any insight that you can give me. Sometimes I resent myself for even posting. I've been here for over a year - a year of my life wasted on addiction. I am 38, H is 39. We've been together 22 years. HS sweethearts. Married for 14. If any of that matters. I feel beaten, worn down and battered. I've been through a storm. Do I leave before I enjoy any sunshine? I've been at this long enough to know there is ALWAYS the chance for another storm.
Thanks guys.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I didn't start making changes in my life that were best for me and my then only daughter left at home until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
If you're content with someone simply on methadone and just attending meetings, then by all means, continue to give it your best shot.
Personally I refuse to be involved with a dysfunctional man, period, addict or not.
I truly believe the example my youngest has seen in her own home since I hit my codependent bottom (she was 10 at the time) has influenced the fact she hasn't gone completely down the sh*tter like her older sister did.
She's got dreams, and she's got a love in her life, her horse that she has bonded with so deeply, not to mention her dog, Toby, whose time with us is growing short.
She has watched me walk through the discomfort of not having a man in my life, no matter how vulnerable I feel at times.
It was brutal to walk through all the guilt and shame I had for putting both daughters through my own untreated codependency for years, and I now see very sick untreated codependency, along with addiction of course, in my oldest daughter.
Had I chosen to stay in the same pattern of settling for less than what I deserved and continued in unhealthy relationships with men for longer than I did, I don't think I could have forgiven myself.
That's just my personal experience.
If you're content with someone simply on methadone and just attending meetings, then by all means, continue to give it your best shot.
Personally I refuse to be involved with a dysfunctional man, period, addict or not.
I truly believe the example my youngest has seen in her own home since I hit my codependent bottom (she was 10 at the time) has influenced the fact she hasn't gone completely down the sh*tter like her older sister did.
She's got dreams, and she's got a love in her life, her horse that she has bonded with so deeply, not to mention her dog, Toby, whose time with us is growing short.
She has watched me walk through the discomfort of not having a man in my life, no matter how vulnerable I feel at times.
It was brutal to walk through all the guilt and shame I had for putting both daughters through my own untreated codependency for years, and I now see very sick untreated codependency, along with addiction of course, in my oldest daughter.
Had I chosen to stay in the same pattern of settling for less than what I deserved and continued in unhealthy relationships with men for longer than I did, I don't think I could have forgiven myself.
That's just my personal experience.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i stayed off and on for 21 yrs and i know how you feel. i have to except it for what it was an move on from there. you are not responsible for his addiction or his actions therefore you are not to blame. try not to beat yourself up, you want to be there for your sweetheart and i'm sure you probably have done all you knew how.
if you choose to stay, try staying in the day that you are in and let tommorrow have its own cares. let time answer your question. i'm sure there is hope but there are also choices that you have to make.
if you choose to stay, try staying in the day that you are in and let tommorrow have its own cares. let time answer your question. i'm sure there is hope but there are also choices that you have to make.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I feel like I've fought so hard against his addiction, and I'm leaving before I reap the rewards.
I guess I should clarify that. I 100% agree that this is his battle and is not and has never been mine. What I was saying is that I fought/stayed whatever you want to call it because I knew 'he' was in there somewhere. He emerging now but I'm afraid the damage cannot be repaired.
Thanks guys, I appreciate and am trying to absorb everything you say.
I guess I should clarify that. I 100% agree that this is his battle and is not and has never been mine. What I was saying is that I fought/stayed whatever you want to call it because I knew 'he' was in there somewhere. He emerging now but I'm afraid the damage cannot be repaired.
Thanks guys, I appreciate and am trying to absorb everything you say.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
in this case, you have to do whats best for you. you know the risk of relapse will always be there and you do have an obligation to yourself to be happy living a healthier life. i wish you all the best and support whatever you decide to do.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I think your greatest fear is him dying 'out there' somewhere of an overdose because you went on with your life without him. I think that is your sticking point, to be honest.
I think that fear is the driving force within you.
By staying where you are, you feel you have some semblance of control over that possible outcome.
How far off base am I?
I think that fear is the driving force within you.
By staying where you are, you feel you have some semblance of control over that possible outcome.
How far off base am I?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
Callie,
I struggle with many of the same feelings as you, and I am learning to work through them, little by little. It has been difficult, but I really work on keeping the focus on me, working on myself. Keeping away from his recovery, letting him make his decisions and his own path. I have not yet been able to decide if this is a relationship I can stay in for the long haul, but as I continue to work on myself, and trust my HP, I know in time, when it's time, I will know the answer.
QUOTE=Callie;2346803]I ANY shred of trust that I had for him is completely absent. gone. Could it be repaired?
[/QUOTE]
This is what I struggle with the most. Even though my AH is for now clean, and even if he remains that way forever, I am not sure if I can or will ever be able to trust him, at least completely. I know in my heart without this trust, there really cannot be a relationship. Time will tell, I will know when this time comes, and at some point, I will have to make decisions.
I really recommend making those Al-anon meetings, this has help me in ways I never imagined. It works if you work it.
You asked if was possible to just start over. IMO, no, you can only move on from here, it only a matter of which direction.
I struggle with many of the same feelings as you, and I am learning to work through them, little by little. It has been difficult, but I really work on keeping the focus on me, working on myself. Keeping away from his recovery, letting him make his decisions and his own path. I have not yet been able to decide if this is a relationship I can stay in for the long haul, but as I continue to work on myself, and trust my HP, I know in time, when it's time, I will know the answer.
QUOTE=Callie;2346803]I ANY shred of trust that I had for him is completely absent. gone. Could it be repaired?
[/QUOTE]
This is what I struggle with the most. Even though my AH is for now clean, and even if he remains that way forever, I am not sure if I can or will ever be able to trust him, at least completely. I know in my heart without this trust, there really cannot be a relationship. Time will tell, I will know when this time comes, and at some point, I will have to make decisions.
I really recommend making those Al-anon meetings, this has help me in ways I never imagined. It works if you work it.
You asked if was possible to just start over. IMO, no, you can only move on from here, it only a matter of which direction.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Callie...... that is great about going to al-anon tonight. I wish it wasn't so far away...... 
You sound really well.... and that you are really ready to work on you and let him do what he is going to do. (He always does anyway!)
Remember that - we teach what we allow...... and we only allow what we have taught!!!
My mom has been looking after my dad (making his dr. apts, packing his suit cases, ironing his clothes, doing his secretarial work, making his fav meals, even planning all social outings / events...etc etc etc)...... and now she is SO resentful..... because it has finally dawned on her that what she had hoped to have gotten out of all her efforts (while she didn't know at the time what she was hoping or doing it for).... has been NOTHING. He relies on her for every darn thing... and now that he is sick and elder - she goes back and forth between wanting the freedom and then feeling guilty for wanting the freedom and resentful towards him AND her for teaching him that this was OKAY! I tell my mom, that if something were to happen to her, my dad is SOL.... because I will not tend to him like she does!!!!
OH... and apparently because my dad didn't have much of a hand in our up-bringing - he finds it okay to blame my mom for all of our problems... because SHE is the one to have reared us!!! :::sigh::: I feel so bad for my mom.... but then again - I don't, because she is the one to have allowed it.
Callie... keep that focus on you .... keep it on the children. I am all for families working it out in addiction....it can be done - I have seen it be done! BOTH have to be working a recovery - which means - your going to al-anon - coming here... being in recovery - is what will help things SO much! Can you see an addiction/codie specialist counselor? I've been doing cognitive behavior therapy - and it has helped SO much!
You have much courage Callie...!!!!
Good luck tonight with the meeting!!
xoxo
You sound really well.... and that you are really ready to work on you and let him do what he is going to do. (He always does anyway!)
Remember that - we teach what we allow...... and we only allow what we have taught!!!
My mom has been looking after my dad (making his dr. apts, packing his suit cases, ironing his clothes, doing his secretarial work, making his fav meals, even planning all social outings / events...etc etc etc)...... and now she is SO resentful..... because it has finally dawned on her that what she had hoped to have gotten out of all her efforts (while she didn't know at the time what she was hoping or doing it for).... has been NOTHING. He relies on her for every darn thing... and now that he is sick and elder - she goes back and forth between wanting the freedom and then feeling guilty for wanting the freedom and resentful towards him AND her for teaching him that this was OKAY! I tell my mom, that if something were to happen to her, my dad is SOL.... because I will not tend to him like she does!!!!
OH... and apparently because my dad didn't have much of a hand in our up-bringing - he finds it okay to blame my mom for all of our problems... because SHE is the one to have reared us!!! :::sigh::: I feel so bad for my mom.... but then again - I don't, because she is the one to have allowed it.
Callie... keep that focus on you .... keep it on the children. I am all for families working it out in addiction....it can be done - I have seen it be done! BOTH have to be working a recovery - which means - your going to al-anon - coming here... being in recovery - is what will help things SO much! Can you see an addiction/codie specialist counselor? I've been doing cognitive behavior therapy - and it has helped SO much!
You have much courage Callie...!!!!
Good luck tonight with the meeting!!
xoxo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I think your greatest fear is him dying 'out there' somewhere of an overdose because you went on with your life without him. I think that is your sticking point, to be honest.
I think that fear is the driving force within you.
By staying where you are, you feel you have some semblance of control over that possible outcome.
Freedom, you are right on about the fear of him dying out there. That was a HUGE driving force for me. Right now though, he's in a good place and I wouldn't have that fear if we divorced. He's very normal on methadone. Functioning normally, much happier, much more active. I wouldn't have a problem putting him out there right now.
What drives me right now is that after all of the crap that I've been through that I'll regret not having him in my life if we divorce. That he'll be the person that I knew he could be without me. (geeze, is this a control thing? I typed that and then went to erase it and typed it again.??) I like most everything about him when he's clean. I just do not know if I can get past all of the crap that he did while in addiction.
This whole addiction crap has been me waiting. Waiting to see if this rehab works, this iop works, that rehab works, try another does it work? Waiting to see if counseling works, waiting to see if suboxone works, waiting to see if the methadone works. Ok it does, for how long?
Everyone says 'you'll know' when you reach your bottom. I just WANT my bottom to get here already. I WANT to have a decision. If the decision is for him to leave - fine, but I don't want it to be guilt ridden. I have to be able to live with myself. If the decision is to stay - fine, but I at least want to be happy and live a normal life. Guys, I've given this time. I've given this years worth of time. I just want a decision that I can live with.
I'm getting mad and so frustrated with myself for not making a decision and STICKING to it. I just want to live a NORMAL, happy life. I know you all are getting frustrated with me, that's why I haven't posted much. Know though that I'm frustrated with myself as well.
I think that fear is the driving force within you.
By staying where you are, you feel you have some semblance of control over that possible outcome.
Freedom, you are right on about the fear of him dying out there. That was a HUGE driving force for me. Right now though, he's in a good place and I wouldn't have that fear if we divorced. He's very normal on methadone. Functioning normally, much happier, much more active. I wouldn't have a problem putting him out there right now.
What drives me right now is that after all of the crap that I've been through that I'll regret not having him in my life if we divorce. That he'll be the person that I knew he could be without me. (geeze, is this a control thing? I typed that and then went to erase it and typed it again.??) I like most everything about him when he's clean. I just do not know if I can get past all of the crap that he did while in addiction.
This whole addiction crap has been me waiting. Waiting to see if this rehab works, this iop works, that rehab works, try another does it work? Waiting to see if counseling works, waiting to see if suboxone works, waiting to see if the methadone works. Ok it does, for how long?
Everyone says 'you'll know' when you reach your bottom. I just WANT my bottom to get here already. I WANT to have a decision. If the decision is for him to leave - fine, but I don't want it to be guilt ridden. I have to be able to live with myself. If the decision is to stay - fine, but I at least want to be happy and live a normal life. Guys, I've given this time. I've given this years worth of time. I just want a decision that I can live with.
I'm getting mad and so frustrated with myself for not making a decision and STICKING to it. I just want to live a NORMAL, happy life. I know you all are getting frustrated with me, that's why I haven't posted much. Know though that I'm frustrated with myself as well.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm not frustrated with you at all. I find a lot of gratitude for the way my life is now when I read your posts.
I don't know if your marriage is salvagable. I don't know if you can work through all the baggage of past and let go of those things. That's your journey, not mine.
For me, the problem wasn't the EXAH, and it wasn't all the dysfunctional men in my life afterwards. They were only symptoms of my problem.
The problem was me and my 'broken-ness' inside that I wasn't willing to fix.
I don't know if your marriage is salvagable. I don't know if you can work through all the baggage of past and let go of those things. That's your journey, not mine.
For me, the problem wasn't the EXAH, and it wasn't all the dysfunctional men in my life afterwards. They were only symptoms of my problem.
The problem was me and my 'broken-ness' inside that I wasn't willing to fix.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I understand what you mean about the trust. It will take a long time for him to earn your trust back. In my situation, the longest span a lie was not told was a month! That was no life for me! Hoping it's better in your situation.
When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired - it's when you will say "no more". With my ex-ah..... I was done.
With my exabf... knowing that he had cheated on me with that cute little red head - mile high club style - especially when we were having all of those intimacy issues - that was a dagger into my heart/soul/mind. It just lined them all up together..... and I congruently made the decision that I WAS DONE!
Don't get me wrong - I had a few relapses - short ones - afterwards - but with all the tools in my head, I was able to get back on track.
Callie - none of this is easy.
Trust yourself..... and if you find that you aren't trusting yourself - then the issue is not with your husband.... it's with you! Find out how to start trusting in yourself again....
(((hugs)))
When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired - it's when you will say "no more". With my ex-ah..... I was done.
With my exabf... knowing that he had cheated on me with that cute little red head - mile high club style - especially when we were having all of those intimacy issues - that was a dagger into my heart/soul/mind. It just lined them all up together..... and I congruently made the decision that I WAS DONE!
Don't get me wrong - I had a few relapses - short ones - afterwards - but with all the tools in my head, I was able to get back on track.
Callie - none of this is easy.
Trust yourself..... and if you find that you aren't trusting yourself - then the issue is not with your husband.... it's with you! Find out how to start trusting in yourself again....
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Originally Posted by wuzzled 
It has been difficult, but I really work on keeping the focus on me, working on myself. Keeping away from his recovery, letting him make his decisions and his own path. I have not yet been able to decide if this is a relationship I can stay in for the long haul, but as I continue to work on myself, and trust my HP, I know in time, when it's time, I will know the answer.
know the answers.
Hi Callie,
I was married 20 yrs... I got to the same point / feelings you're having about shame, embarrassment, etc. The last chance I gave my AH, I was really tired of everything about addiction. He took that last chance and relapsed, starting being verbally abusive.. and he had to go. We've been separated a year next month... he's still out there somewhere lost in addiction. Now, if he'd have took that last chance and worked his recovery (he had the tools... had been to 3 rehabs, then prison where he attended NA meetings)... then I think I could have worked through these feelings.) But, I was at the point where I was DONE with living with an active addict.
My point, I needed to give him that last chance in order for me to move forward, so I understand your need. Now, it's up to your RAH to work his
recovery and you'll know how this is going by his ACTIONS. Just keep the
focus on getting/ staying healthy yourself... more will be revealed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Don't forget that there is a spectrum of possibilities. You are thinking rather black and white - with him or without him, and are currently living together as husband/wife/family, right? For me, it would be waaaaaaaaaay too stressful to just jump back into "the way it was" living after such chaos and breaches of trust. I'd have to have space, and time, and track record to even start to think about cohabiting and sharing finances and trusting, etc. If ever.
There is the in-between option of his living separately for a year or two or period of time while his track record becomes evident. Sometimes this space makes all the difference in the comfort level in a relationship. You can still do things together as you feel able, but still will have space to yourself and not feel as dependent on him for your serenity. When he doesn't inhabit the house, he doesn't drive the family culture, and you are not living constantly under the "weight" of his recovery progress or lack thereof.
Just a thought.
CLMI
There is the in-between option of his living separately for a year or two or period of time while his track record becomes evident. Sometimes this space makes all the difference in the comfort level in a relationship. You can still do things together as you feel able, but still will have space to yourself and not feel as dependent on him for your serenity. When he doesn't inhabit the house, he doesn't drive the family culture, and you are not living constantly under the "weight" of his recovery progress or lack thereof.
Just a thought.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Hi Callie,
I think of you often and am glad you posted.
I will be completely honest about me: if the drug addict I loved (who did have many years in recovery before relapse) came back into my life, made action amends, and if the only way he could stay clean was on methadone...and he asked if we could have a life together with that in the picture.....I would say YES. YES YES YES.
I have read a mountain of material on addiction. And I read the Substance Abuse forum every single day and I have come to love many of the addicts on there and they have no idea I am here loving them and rooting for them. I have read about their relapses and their deep shame and their suicidal thoughts and their struggle to get free of the drug they now absolutely HATE. Because of that forum I know now like I never could have known how good people can be so ravaged and altered by addiction and so shamed when they cannot cure themselves.
I know my heart and if I could have the man I love ON METHADONE I WOULD.
I am quite matter of fact and open with people about the impact of addiction in my life. My father died of alcoholism, I was briefly married to an alcoholic, I have had my heart completely broken by a heroin addict....I am not ashamed at all to say that I have loved addicts and to talk about it with anyone. And i find EVERY TIME that as soon as someone discovers I have addicts in my life, they open up and reveal who the addict is in their life. EVERY TIME. We immediately then connect and it is powerful. It is rewarding. And I experience a feeling of being someone who has made a difference.
So I am so sorry to hear you struggle with embarrassment.
Your AH has worked HARD. He has relapsed, it is true, but he has also worked hard at times in his career as an addict. Maybe he has not done the right kind of work. But he has shown a willingness and a desire to get clean.
You have been abandoned, lied to, endangered, and made ill by his addiction. Your children have suffered.
But things today are not what they were. And if you love this man and still have it in you to walk through fire for him--without sacrificing yourself--I am with you on that.
For me, the first sign of relapse, I would go to war against the addiction. Separation would be immediate particularly because of potential harm to the children.
But if I loved the man and had it in me to wait it out AGAIN, I would. For myself, I would never accept infidelity or physical abuse. There would be no reconciliation, ever, if that occurred. But relapse......well, I've read enough of the addict forum to understand that it is a component of the disease.
I haven't probably offered anything really useful here. But just wanted to share with you, as you share so bravely and generously with us.
Bluejay
I think of you often and am glad you posted.
I will be completely honest about me: if the drug addict I loved (who did have many years in recovery before relapse) came back into my life, made action amends, and if the only way he could stay clean was on methadone...and he asked if we could have a life together with that in the picture.....I would say YES. YES YES YES.
I have read a mountain of material on addiction. And I read the Substance Abuse forum every single day and I have come to love many of the addicts on there and they have no idea I am here loving them and rooting for them. I have read about their relapses and their deep shame and their suicidal thoughts and their struggle to get free of the drug they now absolutely HATE. Because of that forum I know now like I never could have known how good people can be so ravaged and altered by addiction and so shamed when they cannot cure themselves.
I know my heart and if I could have the man I love ON METHADONE I WOULD.
I am quite matter of fact and open with people about the impact of addiction in my life. My father died of alcoholism, I was briefly married to an alcoholic, I have had my heart completely broken by a heroin addict....I am not ashamed at all to say that I have loved addicts and to talk about it with anyone. And i find EVERY TIME that as soon as someone discovers I have addicts in my life, they open up and reveal who the addict is in their life. EVERY TIME. We immediately then connect and it is powerful. It is rewarding. And I experience a feeling of being someone who has made a difference.
So I am so sorry to hear you struggle with embarrassment.
Your AH has worked HARD. He has relapsed, it is true, but he has also worked hard at times in his career as an addict. Maybe he has not done the right kind of work. But he has shown a willingness and a desire to get clean.
You have been abandoned, lied to, endangered, and made ill by his addiction. Your children have suffered.
But things today are not what they were. And if you love this man and still have it in you to walk through fire for him--without sacrificing yourself--I am with you on that.
For me, the first sign of relapse, I would go to war against the addiction. Separation would be immediate particularly because of potential harm to the children.
But if I loved the man and had it in me to wait it out AGAIN, I would. For myself, I would never accept infidelity or physical abuse. There would be no reconciliation, ever, if that occurred. But relapse......well, I've read enough of the addict forum to understand that it is a component of the disease.
I haven't probably offered anything really useful here. But just wanted to share with you, as you share so bravely and generously with us.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Callie, I just want to let you know that my daughter has 15 months clean and her actions speak for her. She goes to meetings but is yet to get a sponsor or get past the 3rd step. But she is clean and doing well. I want to tell you that I still have a lot of the same feelings that you do. I will be going along just fine and something will trigger me, a person, a place or a memory and all of the old feelings that you talked about will come flooding back and in that instant I absolutely hate what my daughter was during her addiction. I remember the hurt, the lies, the feeling of being betrayed again and again. But as time goes on and she continues to do the next right thing those times get fewer and fewer. This forum was my lifesaver when my daughter was active but when she got clean I had to add face to face meetings in order to keep the focus on me and let her be. I am glad that you are going to give meetings a try. They really will make a difference. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Hi Callie ~ I'm always hesitant to post what I'm doing because I don't want anyone to say...."well.....maybe it's possible" because I know full well the odds of long-term clean-time aren't good. For today, things are going well with my AH and I - but I know that could change.
SOO I'm a big advocate for doing what's best for you based on what you want and what you need and what you can accept in your life. Our lives are our own - and whatever choices we make, we need to be able to live with them, and hopefully accept them without regret. I guess that's where I am right now. So, do don't do what I "say" or "do" but do what YOU need to do for a healthy, safe life.
If my AH were to relapse again - and I stick to my boundary as I plan to - then I will be able to say....OK - I did what I did for my reasons and I can now walk away knowing we tried to make the marriage work. I don't have kids in my home right now so I don't feel I need to worry about that (27 year old SS has to make his own choices).
All that said - I'd like to comment on the shame/embarrassment you mentioned. With some of the things my AH did while using, this was a HUGE thing for me. At one point AH passed out, not once, but twice in the same day. The first time was in the front yard - a neighbor called 911. Picture paramedics and fire trucks.They came and left. Late that SAME day, he passed out in the kitchen and another neighbor found him. She went down the street to get the sheriff that lives on my block. He came down, called for help, and apparently by the time it was all over more paramedics, sheriff cars, and firetrucks, as well as, half the block walking in and around my house. Where was I? I had left him the week before - but even not being here then, it was still really difficult for a long time to even go out in my front yard. It took time and my accepting that other people can think what they want....but I know my AH has an illness/problem/"dis"ease - call it whatever you want - but he needed help. HE had to stand up and get that help. Thankfully, he did for himself.
As for trust, that is coming back....slowly. But like a friend of mine says, I've got to keep my raincoat on.....to me that means, I still need to take care of myself, keep the focus on my own 'recovery' and watch that his actions stay where they need to....so I'm ready just in case.
I like what anvil said about looking at myself if I am with someone I don't trust because - and this is very important to me - my reasons for staying as long as I did when he was in active addiction were ALL ABOUT ME; they were my issues/problems/past and I am still learning about them - Alanon has helped greatly in that area.
I'll end with this - this is not an easy road. I would never want someone I care about to have to go through this. I don't think I would be OK with Methadone because I don't believe my AH is capable of controlling any drug use. But that's me. I know some people use it and it is long-term. For you Callie - I think the question is - are you getting all you need from this relationship? AND - what are you willing to do if another relapse happens? I'm not looking for answers here...these are things I hope you think about (and I think you are). I hope the best for you and your family.
SOO I'm a big advocate for doing what's best for you based on what you want and what you need and what you can accept in your life. Our lives are our own - and whatever choices we make, we need to be able to live with them, and hopefully accept them without regret. I guess that's where I am right now. So, do don't do what I "say" or "do" but do what YOU need to do for a healthy, safe life.
If my AH were to relapse again - and I stick to my boundary as I plan to - then I will be able to say....OK - I did what I did for my reasons and I can now walk away knowing we tried to make the marriage work. I don't have kids in my home right now so I don't feel I need to worry about that (27 year old SS has to make his own choices).
All that said - I'd like to comment on the shame/embarrassment you mentioned. With some of the things my AH did while using, this was a HUGE thing for me. At one point AH passed out, not once, but twice in the same day. The first time was in the front yard - a neighbor called 911. Picture paramedics and fire trucks.They came and left. Late that SAME day, he passed out in the kitchen and another neighbor found him. She went down the street to get the sheriff that lives on my block. He came down, called for help, and apparently by the time it was all over more paramedics, sheriff cars, and firetrucks, as well as, half the block walking in and around my house. Where was I? I had left him the week before - but even not being here then, it was still really difficult for a long time to even go out in my front yard. It took time and my accepting that other people can think what they want....but I know my AH has an illness/problem/"dis"ease - call it whatever you want - but he needed help. HE had to stand up and get that help. Thankfully, he did for himself.
As for trust, that is coming back....slowly. But like a friend of mine says, I've got to keep my raincoat on.....to me that means, I still need to take care of myself, keep the focus on my own 'recovery' and watch that his actions stay where they need to....so I'm ready just in case.
I like what anvil said about looking at myself if I am with someone I don't trust because - and this is very important to me - my reasons for staying as long as I did when he was in active addiction were ALL ABOUT ME; they were my issues/problems/past and I am still learning about them - Alanon has helped greatly in that area.
I'll end with this - this is not an easy road. I would never want someone I care about to have to go through this. I don't think I would be OK with Methadone because I don't believe my AH is capable of controlling any drug use. But that's me. I know some people use it and it is long-term. For you Callie - I think the question is - are you getting all you need from this relationship? AND - what are you willing to do if another relapse happens? I'm not looking for answers here...these are things I hope you think about (and I think you are). I hope the best for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
wow, there has been some great posts here. I am no where in as deep a situation as you are with my xagf. Still, I stuck it out for 4 years. What I found was as time went on my tolerance got less and less and I got closer and closer to saying "I'm done". Near the end I was telling my friends "I will give her one more chance but I know in the end she can't do it" and it will be done. I was actually quite amazed at how much bad treatment I was able to move past regarding our past. Trust was a huge thing, and she never really took the time (or maybe I should say she was unabale because of still being in active addiction) to rebuild it.
One weekend she left in the AM and said she was coming back later. By 11pm there was no call, no text, no nothing (and to the best of my knowledge we were going to dinner with her family). I was hurt, and even a little upset, but I just texted her that nothing had changed and I was done.
For the first time the next day it was peaceful. I didn;t expect a text, a call, or her to be late. I was emotionally at peace. Call it hitting my bottom, or what ever you like. It was just that time and I let go. I guess I just finally accepted that even if she wanted to she could not change...
So, what I am really trying to say is two things. Some people (me, you?) have a tremendous capacity for accpetance and to move past the past (at least if the future is better and there is a reason to let go of the past)..... and also that when you get to the point where it is time to leave you may not even be posting here and just do it peacefully on your own.
When I look back I hadn't posted on here for a long time (almost a year). It was only 7 weeks after I left her when I made the mistake of just "spending some time with her" that I got all wrapped up in it again and here I am.
Peace and love to you and your family. I hope he continues on a path of successs and that you find the best choice for yourself.
One weekend she left in the AM and said she was coming back later. By 11pm there was no call, no text, no nothing (and to the best of my knowledge we were going to dinner with her family). I was hurt, and even a little upset, but I just texted her that nothing had changed and I was done.
For the first time the next day it was peaceful. I didn;t expect a text, a call, or her to be late. I was emotionally at peace. Call it hitting my bottom, or what ever you like. It was just that time and I let go. I guess I just finally accepted that even if she wanted to she could not change...
So, what I am really trying to say is two things. Some people (me, you?) have a tremendous capacity for accpetance and to move past the past (at least if the future is better and there is a reason to let go of the past)..... and also that when you get to the point where it is time to leave you may not even be posting here and just do it peacefully on your own.
When I look back I hadn't posted on here for a long time (almost a year). It was only 7 weeks after I left her when I made the mistake of just "spending some time with her" that I got all wrapped up in it again and here I am.
Peace and love to you and your family. I hope he continues on a path of successs and that you find the best choice for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Wow - thank you.
in different ways i hear much of that echo in your posts Callie....believing that WHEN THIS HAPPENS, THEN it will all be ok, all be PERFECT. you're waiting for life to come to you, present itself in perfect splendor and all will be well. it will unfold in front of you like watered silk, seamlessly. you hold onto the hope that WHEN AH gets sober, THEN it will all be ok. WHEN HE does X, then Y will happen. hoping it will all work out to your benefit....
Anvil - this is how most of my entire relationship with H has been. Once I graduate college, once we get engaged, once he gets on 1st shift, once we have kids, once this is paid off, once we build a house, once he gets off drugs, once I get that new SUV....THEN I will be happy. Sure those things are great, but they don't bring lasting happiness. (aside from the kids of course!) Is it because I'm not content with MYSELF? or is it because I've been so unfulfilled in my R with him? I will say that H was very attentive 20 years ago in the beginning of our R. But with addiction he became very distant, evasive and just NOT emotionally available. I remember being on vacation in Hawaii years ago. In a helicopter flying over a volcano that slowly erupted into the ocean. It was beautiful! I was excited, it was a once in a lifetime scene! I loved it but I felt alone, even though he was right beside of me. He has ALWAYS been here, but yet I've felt so lonely in my marriage.
For the last year I've been afraid to leave because as Freedom said I was scared he'd OD. Now that he's doing better I'm afraid to leave because I might be making a mistake and 'miss out' on what he can become.
AH will never be what you want him to be....i'm sorry, but he won't. if all you really had been waiting for was for him to get clean......well, he's clean.......and it's still not good enough. you still want more. more than he can possibly give you.
Right on again Anvil. The person that I was @ 17 when we met and the person that I am today @ 38 is very different. Emotionally, intellectually, spiritually I want more, I need more than he can most likely ever give me. I want a partner, not a child. I crave communication, affection, honesty. I am realizing how high respect falls on my list of ideals in a partner. I want someone who can take the reigns from me instead of me ALWAYS holding them. DO NOT get me wrong here. I am NOT looking for anything or anyone. I'm just speaking from an ideal partner standpoint. I need to be by myself and get myself and MY head in before ever bringing anyone else into my life. But I do look around and see just how abnormal my marriage/life is.
I do not come from addiction. There is no addiction in my family. My parents are awesome parents, married for 40 years. Grandparents married for 60+ years. My friends, who just found out in the last year about all that I've been through are shocked and appalled at what I've tolerated. "I" am shocked and appalled. They all say of ALL people to put up with this, YOU would be the last I would ever suspect. To most of the world I appear pretty strong and confident. I feel that I AM that way in most all other aspects of my life. It's with H that I falter. The best way that I can think to sum it up is through this....
throw a frog into boiling water and it will jump out, but put a frog in cool water and slowly raise the temperature with the frog in & it will boil to death.
Addiction slowly increased the temperature throughout the years. Sure, there were good days, weeks and years in between the incidents. There were babies born, vacations taken, date nights, triumphs, goals met. All of those sprinkled in and mixed with the drugs, the lies, manipulation, stealing, loss of job etc. All did not happen at once, mix the good with the bad and it somehow in some twisted way make it not seem as bad as it really is. Meanwhile the water kept getting hotter and hotter. At first I didn't notice it much, thought I'd be alright. Then it started getting uncomfortable, then unbearable...
I can forgive one incident at a time. But eventually they start compiling and snowballing and it gets bigger and bigger and things start to become unforgivable. Each lie, each time he used, each deceit, each poker debt, each missed day of work, the loss of his job, the manipulation, the massive money spent, the rehab after rehab. Again and Again and Again. All lead up to this huge mountain that I will have to cross IF I want to stay in this marriage. I can have my head telling me that the rational thing to do is to move on. H is in a safe place mentally because of the methadone. He's rational enough to get a job and start his own life, but there is still this nagging 'what if' feeling. What if he REALLY gets it this time… What do I need to do to either release some of this emotional crap or move on?
I just want to let you know that my daughter has 15 months clean and her actions speak for her. She goes to meetings but is yet to get a sponsor or get past the 3rd step. But she is clean and doing well. I want to tell you that I still have a lot of the same feelings that you do. I will be going along just fine and something will trigger me, a person, a place or a memory and all of the old feelings that you talked about will come flooding back and in that instant I absolutely hate what my daughter was during her addiction. I remember the hurt, the lies, the feeling of being betrayed again and again.
Marle - this is where I am right now. I see triggers EVERYWHERE. Even if he's not doing anything wrong. I am CONSTANTLY bombarded with triggers. It could be the way his eyes look, the way he holds his mouth, the way his hair is styled, the annoying ch, ch, ch sound he makes when he's trying to think of the right words, his sleep pattern, talking in his sleep, the massive amounts of cereal he eats all through the night. It could be waking up @ 3 in the morning to find him upstairs watching tv, or the fact that he sleeps in too late on Sunday because he has a take home (methadone). I'm like a crazy, delusional hawk constantly watching. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Could this get better if his behavior continues to improve and he becomes more trustworthy? I think it could somewhat.
I’ve just reread this entire post and realize that I sound like a crazed lunatic! I’m going to post this anyway because it’s the way that I feel and I’m trying to keep it honest. It’s how severe codependence can get. Even my own H says ‘Callie, just chill out and get off of this. You’re not even giving us a chance if you’re wound this tight. ‘ He’s right, but I don’t know how to stop the churning, thinking, fixing. I’ve been full throttle from the last year through H’s addiction and I don’t know how to put the brakes on.
As far as the meeting, didn’t have it. I’m looking on alanons or naranons website, but all of the meetings are in rural areas and do not have phone #’s to double check if the meetings are still on. Upon the myriad of advice here I can see that this is probably what’s going to help me the most. The bigger meetings are about 1-1.5 hours away. I’m wanting something that I can get to every week. I’m going to keep looking and get myself to one this week.
Thanks for reading guys. I don’t expect anyone to dissect all of this, but it helps to get it out there and hopefully it will help someone else to know they’re not alone in their crazy thinking! LOL. I so appreciate everyone advice.
in different ways i hear much of that echo in your posts Callie....believing that WHEN THIS HAPPENS, THEN it will all be ok, all be PERFECT. you're waiting for life to come to you, present itself in perfect splendor and all will be well. it will unfold in front of you like watered silk, seamlessly. you hold onto the hope that WHEN AH gets sober, THEN it will all be ok. WHEN HE does X, then Y will happen. hoping it will all work out to your benefit....
Anvil - this is how most of my entire relationship with H has been. Once I graduate college, once we get engaged, once he gets on 1st shift, once we have kids, once this is paid off, once we build a house, once he gets off drugs, once I get that new SUV....THEN I will be happy. Sure those things are great, but they don't bring lasting happiness. (aside from the kids of course!) Is it because I'm not content with MYSELF? or is it because I've been so unfulfilled in my R with him? I will say that H was very attentive 20 years ago in the beginning of our R. But with addiction he became very distant, evasive and just NOT emotionally available. I remember being on vacation in Hawaii years ago. In a helicopter flying over a volcano that slowly erupted into the ocean. It was beautiful! I was excited, it was a once in a lifetime scene! I loved it but I felt alone, even though he was right beside of me. He has ALWAYS been here, but yet I've felt so lonely in my marriage.
For the last year I've been afraid to leave because as Freedom said I was scared he'd OD. Now that he's doing better I'm afraid to leave because I might be making a mistake and 'miss out' on what he can become.
AH will never be what you want him to be....i'm sorry, but he won't. if all you really had been waiting for was for him to get clean......well, he's clean.......and it's still not good enough. you still want more. more than he can possibly give you.
Right on again Anvil. The person that I was @ 17 when we met and the person that I am today @ 38 is very different. Emotionally, intellectually, spiritually I want more, I need more than he can most likely ever give me. I want a partner, not a child. I crave communication, affection, honesty. I am realizing how high respect falls on my list of ideals in a partner. I want someone who can take the reigns from me instead of me ALWAYS holding them. DO NOT get me wrong here. I am NOT looking for anything or anyone. I'm just speaking from an ideal partner standpoint. I need to be by myself and get myself and MY head in before ever bringing anyone else into my life. But I do look around and see just how abnormal my marriage/life is.
I do not come from addiction. There is no addiction in my family. My parents are awesome parents, married for 40 years. Grandparents married for 60+ years. My friends, who just found out in the last year about all that I've been through are shocked and appalled at what I've tolerated. "I" am shocked and appalled. They all say of ALL people to put up with this, YOU would be the last I would ever suspect. To most of the world I appear pretty strong and confident. I feel that I AM that way in most all other aspects of my life. It's with H that I falter. The best way that I can think to sum it up is through this....
throw a frog into boiling water and it will jump out, but put a frog in cool water and slowly raise the temperature with the frog in & it will boil to death.
Addiction slowly increased the temperature throughout the years. Sure, there were good days, weeks and years in between the incidents. There were babies born, vacations taken, date nights, triumphs, goals met. All of those sprinkled in and mixed with the drugs, the lies, manipulation, stealing, loss of job etc. All did not happen at once, mix the good with the bad and it somehow in some twisted way make it not seem as bad as it really is. Meanwhile the water kept getting hotter and hotter. At first I didn't notice it much, thought I'd be alright. Then it started getting uncomfortable, then unbearable...
I can forgive one incident at a time. But eventually they start compiling and snowballing and it gets bigger and bigger and things start to become unforgivable. Each lie, each time he used, each deceit, each poker debt, each missed day of work, the loss of his job, the manipulation, the massive money spent, the rehab after rehab. Again and Again and Again. All lead up to this huge mountain that I will have to cross IF I want to stay in this marriage. I can have my head telling me that the rational thing to do is to move on. H is in a safe place mentally because of the methadone. He's rational enough to get a job and start his own life, but there is still this nagging 'what if' feeling. What if he REALLY gets it this time… What do I need to do to either release some of this emotional crap or move on?
I just want to let you know that my daughter has 15 months clean and her actions speak for her. She goes to meetings but is yet to get a sponsor or get past the 3rd step. But she is clean and doing well. I want to tell you that I still have a lot of the same feelings that you do. I will be going along just fine and something will trigger me, a person, a place or a memory and all of the old feelings that you talked about will come flooding back and in that instant I absolutely hate what my daughter was during her addiction. I remember the hurt, the lies, the feeling of being betrayed again and again.
Marle - this is where I am right now. I see triggers EVERYWHERE. Even if he's not doing anything wrong. I am CONSTANTLY bombarded with triggers. It could be the way his eyes look, the way he holds his mouth, the way his hair is styled, the annoying ch, ch, ch sound he makes when he's trying to think of the right words, his sleep pattern, talking in his sleep, the massive amounts of cereal he eats all through the night. It could be waking up @ 3 in the morning to find him upstairs watching tv, or the fact that he sleeps in too late on Sunday because he has a take home (methadone). I'm like a crazy, delusional hawk constantly watching. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Could this get better if his behavior continues to improve and he becomes more trustworthy? I think it could somewhat.
I’ve just reread this entire post and realize that I sound like a crazed lunatic!
I’m going to post this anyway because it’s the way that I feel and I’m trying to keep it honest. It’s how severe codependence can get. Even my own H says ‘Callie, just chill out and get off of this. You’re not even giving us a chance if you’re wound this tight. ‘ He’s right, but I don’t know how to stop the churning, thinking, fixing. I’ve been full throttle from the last year through H’s addiction and I don’t know how to put the brakes on.As far as the meeting, didn’t have it. I’m looking on alanons or naranons website, but all of the meetings are in rural areas and do not have phone #’s to double check if the meetings are still on. Upon the myriad of advice here I can see that this is probably what’s going to help me the most. The bigger meetings are about 1-1.5 hours away. I’m wanting something that I can get to every week. I’m going to keep looking and get myself to one this week.
Thanks for reading guys. I don’t expect anyone to dissect all of this, but it helps to get it out there and hopefully it will help someone else to know they’re not alone in their crazy thinking! LOL. I so appreciate everyone advice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
You do not sound like a crazed lunatic at all. Please don't think that. You sound like a very sane and strong woman that is on the verge of trying to sort out her life and decide where she wants to go from here.
Things have changed drastically in your life and when this happens to me, I feel that I have a million thoughts and questions running through my head to the point that I can't think strait. I have always found that if I can just get it out, express it to someone else, it helps me start sorting it all out. I think that's what you're trying to do. And that's exactly what this forum is for.
I recently had to kick my AD out and was left with her 4-year-old child. I was happy to provide a safe environment for my granddaughter and I love and enjoy her very much. But the situation left me very isolated. Thank God I found this site. You can not only say whatever you need to say and not be judged, but you will also get a great reward...understanding, advice and wisdom.
Since you have a very limited access to meetings, you are going to need this site, so please continue to pour out your thoughts, feelings and emotions as much as you need to. It will help you sort things out.
Hugs and prayers
Things have changed drastically in your life and when this happens to me, I feel that I have a million thoughts and questions running through my head to the point that I can't think strait. I have always found that if I can just get it out, express it to someone else, it helps me start sorting it all out. I think that's what you're trying to do. And that's exactly what this forum is for.
I recently had to kick my AD out and was left with her 4-year-old child. I was happy to provide a safe environment for my granddaughter and I love and enjoy her very much. But the situation left me very isolated. Thank God I found this site. You can not only say whatever you need to say and not be judged, but you will also get a great reward...understanding, advice and wisdom.
Since you have a very limited access to meetings, you are going to need this site, so please continue to pour out your thoughts, feelings and emotions as much as you need to. It will help you sort things out.
Hugs and prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Callie, you do not sound crazy. Really. You are confronting reality and you are asking yourself what YOU want, who YOU are, and that is the dramatic shift to health from codependent obsession.
I think when people hook up in high school, even with no addiction at all in the future, there comes a time when those two people finally have to stand on their own two feet and claim who they have become.
Our culture applauds people who stay married for 60 years. But one has to ask how much of their true nature did they sacrifice in that time? Because we DO become different people, as life expands us and molds us. Some couples do the hard work of allowing the other to change and accepting the partner as the personality and values and interests evolve. It is hard work and requires an enormous amount of soul-searching and maturity.
But many--perhaps most--couples who marry very young discourage the partner from changing and becoming independent in thinking and choice-making. The dependency sets in like concrete in the teen or college years, and many couples live in that concrete to the end of their lives.
Apart from his addiction, psychologists would predict that at about the age of 40, your relationship would be tested anyway. And each of you would have to declare who you really are (this is the midlife crisis) and what you truly need to be fulfilled in your journey of life. But some people avoid this altogether and go create chaos outside the marriage.
I agree with catlover that it does not have to be black and white. You and AH have never really unraveled those dependency cords with each other or stood on your own feet. He has escaped through drugs. You have escaped through him. Escaped confronting yourself. Separation for a couple of years seems not to be on the table. But if I were in your shoes, I know that's what would be best for ME. Because I would never self-actualize as long as I was still monitoring the every breath of the RA.
You are doing great, asking the hard questions and being very honest. It's great.
Bluejay
I think when people hook up in high school, even with no addiction at all in the future, there comes a time when those two people finally have to stand on their own two feet and claim who they have become.
Our culture applauds people who stay married for 60 years. But one has to ask how much of their true nature did they sacrifice in that time? Because we DO become different people, as life expands us and molds us. Some couples do the hard work of allowing the other to change and accepting the partner as the personality and values and interests evolve. It is hard work and requires an enormous amount of soul-searching and maturity.
But many--perhaps most--couples who marry very young discourage the partner from changing and becoming independent in thinking and choice-making. The dependency sets in like concrete in the teen or college years, and many couples live in that concrete to the end of their lives.
Apart from his addiction, psychologists would predict that at about the age of 40, your relationship would be tested anyway. And each of you would have to declare who you really are (this is the midlife crisis) and what you truly need to be fulfilled in your journey of life. But some people avoid this altogether and go create chaos outside the marriage.
I agree with catlover that it does not have to be black and white. You and AH have never really unraveled those dependency cords with each other or stood on your own feet. He has escaped through drugs. You have escaped through him. Escaped confronting yourself. Separation for a couple of years seems not to be on the table. But if I were in your shoes, I know that's what would be best for ME. Because I would never self-actualize as long as I was still monitoring the every breath of the RA.
You are doing great, asking the hard questions and being very honest. It's great.
Bluejay
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