DRJMW

I have posted here a few times. I thought things were getting better with my AH. Well I am not so sure now. I have caught him in so far today 4 lies. He promised me he would take a drug test tonight to prove me wrong. I hope he does. Well I was at work and things just didnn't seem right - I started to get those butterflies in the stomach and proceed to get proof that he lied to me. Well I got the proof from a few sources and feel apart at work. I had to leave cause I was just sick to my stomach. I am home now waiting for him to get home. He does not know I am here. When I came home I found a bowl in the toilet empty but someone had peed in it. I think he took a urine sample from one of my kids this morning after I left for work to use on the test he is suppose to take tonight. Oh this just get me so angry. How can he use the kids in his lies. I won't tollarate it. I don't know what to do. I just sit here wait and wait to confront him and I know its gonna get pretty ugly. This will be strike 3 for him.

O god someone please help me get through this. Today is his B-Day and in 2 days we are suppose to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary. What to I do! Ihave to protect these kids.

dogged

im sorry your going through this, but unless your kids put the bowl in the toilet, it pretty much says it all right there..What do you want for yourself? did you put up any boundaries? all i can say is that when you have had enough you will do what you need to do for yourself and your kids...dont yuo wish you had a sense of peace in your life? a life without checking everything, or worried about anything missingfrom your home?or content to know thier is enough money for the rest of the month for you and the kids? i feel for you, i got back with mine after he tried recovery again..and only to see his addiction crossing over from drugs to drinking now and he took off for a few days and im finally getting tired of the drama..emotionally its getting easier..the more he does the easier it becomes to leave him in his own misery..life is too short...

bluejay6

I'm so sorry. Hold on. More people will post and RA's on this site will have good feedback.

He has two people inside him, one is the man you love, the other is the Addict. It is the Addict you are dealing with and you have to keep that image clearly in your head so you can avoid all the traps the Addict will set. The Addict will try to turn this around on you, he will accuse you of being controlling and out of your mind, he will then make promises he can't and won't keep, and then when he doesn't keep those promises and you react as you are now, he will tell you he's just about had enough of this marriage and your hysterics.

Draw back your shoulders, know your enemy--the Addict--and then fight that enemy with the right weapons. The Addict does not hear what you say. He only hears what you DO.

Love,
Bluejay

teke

maybe its time for you to think about a plan b, just in case you need one. i agree you have to protect the kids other than taking care of you, there really is nothing you can do for him or about him. he's gonna do what he's gonna do. you have to decide how much you are willing to live with. remember, lying is what addicts do, your gut feelings maybe more dead on than you want to think. i'm praying for you and your family

DRJMW

Thank you all for your posts. He is on his way home now - he still thinks i am at work - oh I am gonna be so sick. I haven't felt this way since a year and a half ago when this all started and he went to rehab and a halfway house for 6 months. I thought I was done with this. I know he is going to come up with every excuse in the book which gets me even angrier.
I just need the strength to get thru this again. I am so scared cause he left us in such a finacial mess last time that without his income I am screwed. I work full time but it just doesn't cut it.

bluejay6

I once read a lead by a recovering addict who had put his parents absolutely through the wringer.....they thought he was clean, been to rehab more than once, halfway house, etc.....came back home and started drinking again.

Father saw the bottle. Didn't search. Just there it was.

In the past there would have been lots of anguished talking, crying, shouting, etc.

This time the father saw the bottle (when the son was in the room), looked at his son and calmly said,

"You gotta go."

And that was IT.

No negotiating, nothing. "You gotta go."

The son FINALLY knew his enablers were done.

I know this man is your husband, father of your children, co-breadwinner.

But right now, a calm "You gotta go," and a trip to the attorney would probably do what nothing else will.

Bluejay

DRJMW

Well guess the gut didn't fail me. Once again after repeated lies asking him over and over I finally get yeah I did a half an OC on Monday. And yeah I thought about using the kids urine but then thought it was a bad idea. God I hate being right - for once i JUST WANT HIM TO PROVE ME WRONG! I just don't know the next step - we did just leave a message for an outpaceint treatment. So hopefully I will get a call back soon.

My head is pounding so bad. I am sitting here - he is on the other couch and my father in law is in the kitchen. Just silence! Dead silence!

I just read alowed "What addicts do" with replacing his name aloud. Asked him if that sums everything up.

teke

as you already seem to know, unless he gets the help he needs, it will get worse. even if he does get help, it still all up to him to except and follow through. since relapse is so common, and rehab alone is not a cure, you may still want to come up with a plan b, just in case.

i'm a ra and it took me 5 or 6 rehabs to get where i am today, on the other hand, my ah of 23 yrs is still out there using. with 7 kids, no money and no job, i eventually had to seperate myself from him in order to regain my sanity. i'm praying that it won't take that long for him to find his way.

DRJMW

He did call on his own. I just called back to make sure he did call and not fake it. Yes I know that was wrong. I love baseball and yes three strike your out - I guess I am too scared to make the next step. I don't want to lose everything. (meaning my house).

I know I am wearing down and can't take much more. I am not afraid to be without him. I did it last year while he was away. I am a better person when he is not around. I think at this point I hold on for the kids & money.

cherrie1

I hate to say it but I agree with anvilhead he admitted to half an OC don't believe that is all it was. They always lie and if forced to tell the truth they don't tell the whole truth (one doctor told me always double the amount). A counselor at one of my sons rehabs told me if you have that little voice inside you telling you something is wrong listen to it, it is almost always right. So as much as we don't really want to believe it is happening again when we start to feel that way it is. I am sure you love your addict we all do but it is no way to live. Start coming up with a plan about what you should do if he refuses treatment or fails at it again. Best of luck.

daisylady

Does it really matter if it was just a half an "OC?" Using it still using and he is still putting your family at risk. My AH always says "I just used a little bit" and it makes me want to rip his idiot addict head off!! Does it really matter how much?!? Or just that he used ANYTHING!?!? I know it is hard to kick him out and it is hard to move forward but what kind of husband and father is he being right now? Take control of what YOU can change and think about what is best for YOU and your children. I just kicked my AH out a couple of weeks ago and I am struggling with my boundaries now that he is out of the house but it is already SO MUCH better than having an active addict living in my home with me and my child.

Good luck to you. Keep coming back.

DRJMW

I hate him! You were right he used alot more. He used his restitution check to buy drugs. Lies lies lies I can't take it anymore. He just left to go pay it before he goes to jail. well NO MORE money he is going to jail next month cause i'm not paying it! I can't stop shaking and crying.

DRJMW

I took away access to money and all things the first time it happened. I felt the restitution was his problem so I would get the check for him to bring it to the probation officer. Well now its his responsabilty to find the money to pay it.

DRJMW

Can anyone tell me if its out of line to contact his sponser.

cherrie1

I called my son's sponsor when I was worried about him. He lives in another state so we are not there to really see how he is doing. His sponsor thanked me and said he likes to meet/talk to the person who's family he is sponsoring when possible. I am sure they all aren't that way but your husband is probably lying to him too so you could give him a heads up. As far as me talking to my son's sponsor in the end it did not help he totally relapsed but that was because he was not being honest with anyone. A sponsor can only do so much but I would tell him.

bluejay6

He's not done, DJ.

Are you?

You can rent out a room or two in the house. Any local colleges? I once rented a room to a student when I was a single parent with a 3 year old.

Bluejay

Ann

DJ, I sense your panic right now, and that's a good time to step back until you regain your balance.

Getting legal advice now, will help you know your rights and what you can expect. Sadly, getting support from an active addict often fails, court order or not. Maybe take some time for you and figure out what you would do, if you want to do it, and let the how and when happen when you are ready. Until then, doing nothing is an action.

Something that has helped many of us here are meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are about us and learning to live healthy lives, regardless of how our addicts are doing. Meetings saved my life, literally, and I have no doubt that it would help you if you give it a try.

Whether you stay or go is up to you. So is setting boudaries you can live with. Just know that we're here to support you no matter what you choose.

Hugs

DRJMW

I know I need to go to alanon - I tried it once but wasn't comfortable which is why I sought this site out. I am also seeing a counslor one on one. I have an appointment in 30 minutes. I just spoke to his mom and she is having him stay there cause he is so done now that he can't be alone. She is going to try to see if he will goto treatment tomorrow.

DRJMW

Yes you are correct Anvil. It just can't be my problem. I know it won't do any good. I try so hard cause I want my kids to have their daddy back. They are so innocent (5&7) and they don't understand. Which is a good thing but to have to tell them that daddy is gone again just breaks my heart. They were so sad last year. They know something is going on cause they are very smart.

leelee5675

I am friends with my AD's sponsor, but we are very careful to keep things separate. I think it would depend on what you want from the sponsor, and the sponsor should know what would be appropriate to discuss with you.

Also, look at why you want to talk to the sponsor. If you're just calling to inform the sponsor of the relapse, the sponsor will know soon enough.

My AD's sponsor only listens to what's going on with me as a result of the addiction. We don't discuss what' going on with my AD.

Hang in there. I can feel your agony jumping off the page. Focus on yourself. You and the kids are what you need to worry about. As for him...Let Go and Let God

Stay in touch. We are all concerned.