Freedom1990

That sadness that comes with the separation of parents is nothing compared to the pain and confusion that comes with continuing to grow up in a home with active addiction in it. Go read a few threads in the Adult Children forum here and see how profoundly it affects someone growing up in that environment.

The kids have a mother who's so anxious and sick she had to leave work. They have a father who's actively using and lying about it. Give me the positives in that scenario.

I have raised two girls by myself for the most part. Was it hard? You bet. However, it is possible.

:ghug2 :ghug2

Saphi

How well i know the butterflies, the sick stomach and the million questions! and trying a dozen ways to prove me right and that he's lying. I made him move out 2 years ago and it was lonely and had to adjust and i cried and life felt unfair. I didn't know how I was going to financially make it, my holidays were crappy and the stress made my hair fall out. But after a while I started to develope friendships that i never had before because I was too focused on HIM. They helped and listened endlessly about the same stuff over and over.. i went a meeting almost every night just so I was out of the house. And I prayed...and eventually I got stronger and my husband didn't know how to handle that. My no's were really no's...and he had to respect my boundaries. Took some getting used to on both sides. Not perfect today, as I still let my feelings control alot, but him moving out was the best decision regardless of how scary it was at first

DRJMW

well Itold him he can't come home or see the kids. He is at his mothers tonight - she planned to have him goto detox but he refused to go tonight - he is going to go to an IOP tomorrow morning. Who knows if they will take him. He belittled my feelings of being here to pick up the pieces and figure out what to tell the kids. He has it worse cause he can't see the kids. And so the guilt trip begins. I still don't know what to tell the kids. They are 5 & 7 - tonight I told them he is sleeping over Grandma's. I guess I have to wait to see what tomorrow brings. Any suggestions? I could really use some.

doonya

DRJMW .... I truly believe that nothing is as important as our young children. If I were you, I would trust my instincts as a mother and do what you believe is best for them, not just short term but in the long run. And do remember that if your husband should recover, he can return to their lives in the best possible way. Whatever you tell them, my advice is to keep it very simple and truthful. May tomorrow be a good day for you and your children.

bluejay6

DRJ,
I'm glad he is out of the house for now. Watch out for the addict tactics to mess up your mind and make you think that you are the bully or the one without feelings or whatever load he decides to dump on you because HIS CHOICES have and are destroying your relationship and family.

Your children: one thing that is never going to change for them and that is a reality in their lives and always will be: their father is an addict. What you wish for them, that everything could be different and they would not be hurt in any way, just will not be possible. The unalterable reality is their father is an addict and that fact is going to create challenges for them. How that unfolds over the course of their lives is out of your hands.

It will be impossible for you to prevent the changes that are coming in your family. He has relapsed, and you are now on your own as a parent, and whether he achieves sobriety eventually or never does, change in your life and in your children's lives is inevitable.

The important thing is to tell them --more than once-- that nothing that is happening is their fault. If Daddy walks into the house drunk, don't pretend he isn't and tell your children that he is "fine, nothing to worry about." Children know what drunk is. Avoid messing up their heads by telling them that what they see right in front of them isn't real.

You can tell them that dad and mom are working out grown-up problems and that grown-up problems are not for children to fix. Grown-ups have to fix their own problems.

And you can tell them over and over how important they are, how beautiful, how amazing, and that you LOVE them and that they are number one on your list. You will always do your very best to protect and love them. Even when you and dad are working out grown-up problems.

The essential thing is that they understand and know deep down that they have done nothing wrong to make you or daddy sad or angry and they are good children. The best.

And do try, as much as possible, to allow them the freedom to play. Get them out of the house and out in the world to play.

love,
Bluejay

JMFburns

Your kids are young, when they ask where Dad is you can say "he's at Grandma's, let's ____________ (fill in the blank with read a story, play a game, watch a movie, etc.) and they'll be easily distracted. Yes, they know something is going on, but your imagining their minds are all consumed with it, they aren't, only your mind is. Try to let it go for 5 min., then 15 min., then 30 min., etc. Keep your self and they kids occupied with other things, your own things . . . let your husband deal with his addiction and you deal with your life. Just my opinion.

Good luck.

DRJMW

well we are home and he is packing a bag. I found his heroin and needle this morning when I searched his car. It crushed me to pieces. He has a 1pm appointment to go to detox. Lets hope he gets in. he is worried that where he has not done anything since yesterday that they won't let him in. He pleaded with me to give him the stuff but I said I would not be the one to put a nail in his coffin. Oh this is so hard - to see him weap just tears me up inside. I know this is a disease that I will never understand and I have to make some hard decisions I just don't know what they are yet. I love him so much. Tomorrow I will spend our 11th wedding anniversary alone. My plan? well to spend it doing something fun with the kids.
Please pray for us.

Freedom1990

Detox will take good care of him.

Let go and let God have your pain. It helps me when I do that.

:ghug2 :ghug2

teke

i'm so sorry and i pray that he is remains willing and is able to get in. once in, i pray that he commits to staying sober. it is so hard but you do have a good plan. just think this may/may not turn out to be the last special day he'll have to miss.

thinking back, i don't think i spent more than 1 or 2 anniversaries with my ah out of 23yrs and even then he was probably high on something. most holidays and birthdays he was awol. whats sad about the whole thing is, i stuck around anyway. you are in my prayers

DRJMW

Well he is in. For at least the next 4 days I can breath and enjoy my kids. They took it well when I told the he had to go away for a few days. My oldest was a little upset he did not get to say godbye but Iwas able to change the subject. Things are business as usual and they are laughing and having fun playing and that brings a smile to my face. My children bring me so much happiness.

I can't thank everyone enough for the support you have all given me the past two days. It made it easier to cope knowing there are so many others like me out there and understand what I am going through. In this short time you all have become my second family and I thank you for that. I will keep you all posted on his...I mean my progress!!