Thinking of "Could have beens"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Thinking of "Could have beens"
As I have posted before, my XAH and I seperated nearly 20 years ago, after he decided that retirement for him consisted of sitting at his bar, with a beer in 1 hand and a whisky in the other. Gone were the plans of many years, about travelling or anything else, and his priority was to drink from early morning to nightfall.
The result of the following 5 years of total alcohol abuse being added to what he'd done the past 40 years was awful, mentally and physically for him.
Memory loss, dementia, dozens of mini strokes, paralysis and speech difficulty.
He ended up in a nursing home these last 4 years, bedridden in a nappy, with no interest anymore in reading, watching TV, or the sports he used to love.
Now he is free of that undignified, painful "life", if you could call it that, and no more remorse for how he got into this state. He had so much bitterness and anger towards himself, for drinking as he did, and he said only a few months back that it served him right to be punished.
All that is done and finished now, he is out of that hell and totally free of the cravings he still had for a few drinks. Now my daughter has her life back at last, with no more rushing after work to be with him for an hour, or doing all the business things that had to be done.
Now we all cease racing in to the hospital because the doctors say he can't last the night - Oh yes he can, and after a few days we go home again, til next time.
Praise God it was different at the last, he quietly went in his sleep this morning, and actually stunned us. Expecting it is one thing, but when it does finally happen, it comes as a shock.
Now I am going thru the "what if", and "it could have been" questions, when I know that is futile, because what happened was true and real and I can't do a thing to change that. Thinking "what if", and "it could have been" is a waste of time and energy and totally useless to me. I need to grieve for it and leave it go, but OH, that is so hard to do right this moment, only 3 hours since he went. Now I have to be there for my kids who remember a him as a wonderful and loving dad, and grand children who loved him.
How lovely to have this place to come to when we need to get things out of our systems and know we won't be left hanging.
God bless
The result of the following 5 years of total alcohol abuse being added to what he'd done the past 40 years was awful, mentally and physically for him.
Memory loss, dementia, dozens of mini strokes, paralysis and speech difficulty.
He ended up in a nursing home these last 4 years, bedridden in a nappy, with no interest anymore in reading, watching TV, or the sports he used to love.
Now he is free of that undignified, painful "life", if you could call it that, and no more remorse for how he got into this state. He had so much bitterness and anger towards himself, for drinking as he did, and he said only a few months back that it served him right to be punished.
All that is done and finished now, he is out of that hell and totally free of the cravings he still had for a few drinks. Now my daughter has her life back at last, with no more rushing after work to be with him for an hour, or doing all the business things that had to be done.
Now we all cease racing in to the hospital because the doctors say he can't last the night - Oh yes he can, and after a few days we go home again, til next time.
Praise God it was different at the last, he quietly went in his sleep this morning, and actually stunned us. Expecting it is one thing, but when it does finally happen, it comes as a shock.
Now I am going thru the "what if", and "it could have been" questions, when I know that is futile, because what happened was true and real and I can't do a thing to change that. Thinking "what if", and "it could have been" is a waste of time and energy and totally useless to me. I need to grieve for it and leave it go, but OH, that is so hard to do right this moment, only 3 hours since he went. Now I have to be there for my kids who remember a him as a wonderful and loving dad, and grand children who loved him.
How lovely to have this place to come to when we need to get things out of our systems and know we won't be left hanging.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
My sympathies, Jadmack. I can imagine how you feel. You loved this man at one time, he abused your love, but still he held a place in your heart. I don't know if your bad memories will ever fade. Maybe one day you can pray for that to happen, now that he is gone. Blessings to your family to be free of his pain also, Jadmack. I'm happy for you, while understanding the "what if" thoughts you are experiencing. It's probably perfectly normal and part of the grieving process, so I say just let it wash over you and through you, and take one day or one moment at a time right now. Hugs and prayers 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
My thanks to all you darling people who have posted your thoughts and prayers to me and my family. They have been a great blessing at this time and I feel so lifted by them.
I have just finished doing a summary of his life, to help my daughters prepare a eulogy, and thanks be to God, all the events and dates had not disappeared from my mind. I even remembered his service record with the army in Palestine, and some of the terrible things he faced in his over 3 years there from 1945 to 1948.
They also hunted for "Abide with Me" by Harry Secombe, which he had loved, but they could not find his CD among his things. Not only do I have it in my Music in computer, but only last week also downloaded the beautiful "Irish Prayer", which he always used as Grace or to send visitors on their way. I burnt both to CD for them, and they will be played at his service on Friday. I feel as if I am really part of the event by doing that, instead of being on the sidelines.
As to my feelings of the "if onlies", well perhaps had I stayed, I may have made a difference, but also I may as easily NOT have, for him. Either way it would have been a different life for me, maybe better, maybe not.
I do not, and never will know, so am not going to worry about something I can do nothing about.
I give thanks for the 22 happy and loving years we did have together, and have been remembering those, not dwelling on the ones that alcohol took over and wrecked for us both. He was a gentle, caring, loving, generous and wonderful husband, father and Granpa and that is what I will treasure.
I have never hated him, only the cursed disease that hurt him so much, and for which he blamed and detested himself in his times of reason.
I wrote him a letter some years ago, asking his forgiveness for any hurt I had done him in the past and telling him that I had long forgiven all hurts from him. I had no reply from him, and I let it go.
Today my daughter showed it to me, and said he had kept it in his bible, beside his bed. I hope it gave him some closure and peace over these past years.
Again, my thanks to you all for your words of caring, they mean so much to me.
God bless you all
I have just finished doing a summary of his life, to help my daughters prepare a eulogy, and thanks be to God, all the events and dates had not disappeared from my mind. I even remembered his service record with the army in Palestine, and some of the terrible things he faced in his over 3 years there from 1945 to 1948.
They also hunted for "Abide with Me" by Harry Secombe, which he had loved, but they could not find his CD among his things. Not only do I have it in my Music in computer, but only last week also downloaded the beautiful "Irish Prayer", which he always used as Grace or to send visitors on their way. I burnt both to CD for them, and they will be played at his service on Friday. I feel as if I am really part of the event by doing that, instead of being on the sidelines.
As to my feelings of the "if onlies", well perhaps had I stayed, I may have made a difference, but also I may as easily NOT have, for him. Either way it would have been a different life for me, maybe better, maybe not.
I do not, and never will know, so am not going to worry about something I can do nothing about.
I give thanks for the 22 happy and loving years we did have together, and have been remembering those, not dwelling on the ones that alcohol took over and wrecked for us both. He was a gentle, caring, loving, generous and wonderful husband, father and Granpa and that is what I will treasure.
I have never hated him, only the cursed disease that hurt him so much, and for which he blamed and detested himself in his times of reason.
I wrote him a letter some years ago, asking his forgiveness for any hurt I had done him in the past and telling him that I had long forgiven all hurts from him. I had no reply from him, and I let it go.
Today my daughter showed it to me, and said he had kept it in his bible, beside his bed. I hope it gave him some closure and peace over these past years.
Again, my thanks to you all for your words of caring, they mean so much to me.
God bless you all
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Jadmack ((HUGS))
I found this poem in the Grief and Loss forum. I find solace in it as it makes me remember the good on the alcoholic that was in my life and that I was blessed to know him before he got worse. It also reminds me of the ones who are gone. I feel better knowing they are no longer suffering. ((HUGS))
How We Shall Laugh
Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.
Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!'
I found this poem in the Grief and Loss forum. I find solace in it as it makes me remember the good on the alcoholic that was in my life and that I was blessed to know him before he got worse. It also reminds me of the ones who are gone. I feel better knowing they are no longer suffering. ((HUGS))
How We Shall Laugh
Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.
Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!'
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I still feel grief, many years after the loss of a dear friend who succumbed to alcoholism. When an alcoholic dies of complications caused by his drinking, it is difficult for those of us who are not drinking to avoid the "if only he could have/would have quit and saved himself" type of thinking, which leads us to feel so much anger at the deceased love one. When my husband and I lost our dear friend to alcoholism, we struggled with his loss, and our anger at him for leaving us the way he did (dead of a heart attack in his mid-50s). Finally I concluded that for some alcoholics, their condition is as unavoidable as cancer. Of course there is the argument that the person could have quit, but I don't believe that is true. Some alcoholics simply cannot quit.
When you have gotten past the shock, grief, and all the attendant emotions you will work through about your husband's death, you should discover for yourself a new life, where you are free to be you, and do all the things YOU want to do. Life goes on, especially for those of us who are blessed not to be afflicted by such a cruel disease. There have been studies conducted of widows and widowers that follow their course after losing a spouse, and these studies show that happiness CAN and IS regained for the overwhelming majority of them.
You are naturally feeling great remorse and regret over the squandered life your husband left. Focusing on the good times, his positive contributions (including your children) may help ease your grief.
Wishing all the best for you and your family.
When you have gotten past the shock, grief, and all the attendant emotions you will work through about your husband's death, you should discover for yourself a new life, where you are free to be you, and do all the things YOU want to do. Life goes on, especially for those of us who are blessed not to be afflicted by such a cruel disease. There have been studies conducted of widows and widowers that follow their course after losing a spouse, and these studies show that happiness CAN and IS regained for the overwhelming majority of them.
You are naturally feeling great remorse and regret over the squandered life your husband left. Focusing on the good times, his positive contributions (including your children) may help ease your grief.
Wishing all the best for you and your family.
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
Today my daughter showed it to me, and said he had kept it in his bible, beside his bed. I hope it gave him some closure and peace over these past years.
So sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Jadmack))
my heartfelt sympathy for you and your family in the loss of your loved one - hate so much that this disease took him from the family long before life left his body.
I pray that your HP will comfort you in this time and continue to give you the strength, courage and wisdom to comfort your children and grandchildren.
HUGS,
Rita
my heartfelt sympathy for you and your family in the loss of your loved one - hate so much that this disease took him from the family long before life left his body.
I pray that your HP will comfort you in this time and continue to give you the strength, courage and wisdom to comfort your children and grandchildren.
HUGS,
Rita
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