jehnifer

Something came to me out of nowhere this morning (I know from where!).

I have made my RAH husband my Higher Power... Focusing and obsessing over him, wanting to please him above all else.

When I expend effort, energy, thought time and he still isn't happy, gets mad at me or is mean to me it really sets me back. I feel like I have failed. And am also resentful toward him. Like HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME AFTER ALL I HAVE DONE TO TRY TO PLEASE YOU? I know its a sickness. And I have to realize I will never ever be the one to make him happy. It's just impossbile and I am making myself crazy.

So what to do instead? My goal, the way I live my life, needs to be in accordance with my true higher power which I choose to call God. And when I think in those terms my troubles disappear...How much easier that is - because I know what to do!!!! See, when my husband is my higher power "I dont know" what to do to make him happy..I jump thorugh a lot of hoops but never seem to suceed.

SO... what I will strive for is to think : It's not my job. Yay!

GiveLove

Yay! Something terrific to work on as you go through your days, jehn. It'll take some practice -- wow, it took me a long time, and I still have "those" moments when I'm sacrificing my happiness for the sake of pleasing someone else -- but it will become more and more natural as you go along.

That doesn't mean you don't love him, it just means that you put the responsibility for his happiness back where it belongs - on him.

And believe it or not, this has turned out to be GOOD for my marriage, not bad. We each take care of our own side of the street, and meet in the middle to enjoy life.

Nice revelation!

Still Waters

And my AH was a pi$$ poor copy of a HP too, let me tell ya...

bookwyrm

Thinking about this - I think my STBXAH believes he is my HP!!!

Bernadette

Jehnifer-- I am lovin' your AhA moments!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thank you for this!
b

CAAW

I just realized basically the same thing. I have always put his needs above mine. I never put me first. I have constantly tried to make him happy and make sure he is taken care of. I would get upset if he wasn't greatful. He has even took that for granted and it has back fired on me. I am a GIANT door mat. Strange how we think sometimes....

Cowgirl1265

I've done something similar to this with every man I've been involved with for over 20 years. I make them into something like a HP - or a parent. Its really silly, I'm a very strong-willed, confident person, and yet I give them all this power over me. If they disapprove of something I do it I either don't do it or hide it. Right now I'm not actively engaging in this behavior since my husband and I are separated, but I have no doubt that if I don't start working my steps and changing myself that I will do this with the next man I'm involved with (if there ever is one).

worthyoflove

Glad to hear you realized this. I found I have made everyone my HP. I did this with my sponsor. I thought she knew more than I did.

Still Waters

My AH was so ill for so long, everything revolved around taking care of him. Then when he got physically better, I think he resented not being the center of attention anymore.

I never put me first either, and tragically - I didn't put my child first.

ElegantlyWasted

Have similar issues with my GF. Sounds a little codie to me. "So what to do instead? My goal, the way I live my life", sounds like a much more constructive conceptualization of God to me!!! Keep it real and constructive in terms of what is best for your state of mind.

Blondie

I had this realization when I started doing my steps in al-anon. Wow, what an eye opener. My STXAH was unhappy from the day we met and I took it upon myself when we started dating to "help him" see how special he was and that everybody that had "rejected" him just didn't understand him. I would make him happy and he would be forever grateful and stay and love me forever. Sounds like a bad movie or cheap novel, not real life to be now. He became my everything, even my HP (I didn't realize it at the time). After 18 years of marriage (and four years of dating), I finally realized that it isn't my job to make him happy, it's his.

In marriage therapy (after I started al-anon and individual therapy) I stated that I was working on myself and was making very good progress and announced in a firm but compassionate way that I was taking on some responsibilities that were his to take care of not mine (the responibility for his drinking and his happiness are just a few responsibilities that I gave back to him that very day). He did not like this at all and was taken aback. The next week in marriage therapy he suddenly announced that he was not happy in our relationship and needed to move on to make himself happy. Today he is still going from bottle to bottle and woman to woman trying to find that happiness that only he can find in himself somewhere. Come to think of it, he did the same thing when we were married (found out about the other women in December). Since that time I have been working the steps, focusing on myself and listening to my HP. I have found serenity and am actually enjoying my life I found out that I was driving MYSELF crazy by making my STXAH my HP and ignoring my REAL HP. It seems so obvious now, but I didn't see how sick it was at the time. I love aha moments!