ilikehimalot

Okay so Here I am with some sort of an update and feeling worse then when I first wrote.I still have had no contact with the ex
I have been to several alan meetings and feel like everyone is so mad at there loved ones,I am the complete opposite...DEVASTED
I asked his parents if I could talk to them in person a few weeks back,I was planning on telling them I think its best to break all contact with them as I feel like as much as I love them and havent gotten extremly close to them,it is there son and thats that.
So they invited me over the house for a great dinner all my favorites and we talked and cryed and they think that he is doing wonderfull,drug free and living in a halfway house.I told them about how I felt abandaned,hopeless etc because I cant understand how after 6 months of being in treatment and constantly talking about our life together once he left to nothing,ended up going to a halfway house instead.
They also know how he would say in the past the guilt of doing something wrong would make it harder and harder to call(once a day went by the next day was harder etc)so I though a little over a month has gone by and I would see maybe if I contacted him at the halfway house and asked him to meet me in person just to talk.The parents thought I had nothing to lose although the dad thinks if he really cared about me he would have called no matter what.
So they give me the number and I go outside and try to make contact but the person who answers says he is not in right now but will be back in 10 minutes so I said I would call back
I then go back in the parents house and 5 minutes go by and the parents phone rings and the mom looks at the caller id and is like its him ,im not gonna answer it and im like does he know im here?she says no and I say please answer the phone this is what im talking about,she finally answers it and I only hear one side.
Yes we gave the phone number to her
Yes your father and I talked about it
Like I told you the other day she is having a really tough time and wanted to talk to you (repeated 3 times)
dont be mad (repeated 3-4 times)
you need to do the right thing
are you mad
did she leave a message ?
So they hang up im freaking out and ask the mother why didnt you want to answer the phone?she says she was nervous? she says he wanted to know if his parents gave me the number or I figured it out on my own??? and that theres nothing to talk about and hes not mad,(then why keep repeating)The mom then says why dont you wait till tommorrow im sure hes gonna contact you(I feel like shes always saying things like that hes gonna relaize what he did and that he does care about me and will eventually contact me..Its almost like false hope)

So I wait 5 minutes and say im gonna go call again just because I know he knows I called and just want to see if he will answer but the phone just rings and rings.
Why cant he face me?I did nothing wrong!hes the one who used me and cheated on me and then nothing!!!!
by the way hes not with the rehab girl he cheated on me with as she has called twice to tell me (fishing for info) and I told her to stop calling me,She has thankfully
I read alot about this stuff going on here all the time but never with someone in treatment and clean
I did talk to the parents about what I had planned and they said that If thats what I wanted they would respect my wishes but they hope I would think about it as they feel like I am part of there family and love me more then I know
He also has distanced them from what they say he dosent want them to come to the halfway house to visit untill he gets settled???Yet they pay for it for him and he tells them he is actively searching for work.
Why do you think he treats me with the whole no contact when I have done nothing wrong but love him?Its almost like he treats me the way I should treat him after 9 months(6 months clean)I dont drink or use.I just dont understand is this guilt?regret? what do you call this?

lost84

what was the drug he used? also this isnt the end of this battle he has to fight for life to stay clean and many relapse 3-5 times before this ever happens.. you did nothing wrong. i was in the same boat, all i ever did was LOVE, GIVE, BE THEIR yet he pushed me away and left me numerous times. most users also have personality disorders.. u should read up on boarderline sociopath ect, alot of drug users have many more problems than just addiction. best way to get to him maybe write him a note, let him know ur their for him and then wait. he may or may not contact you, but if u keep trying u will annoy him and push him farther.. trust me. sr is a great site, keep reading posts ull find alot u can relate too.

ilikehimalot

Thanks for caring and sharing...He used cocaine and drank.If you go back and read my first post it explains everything.
As far as writting him a letter well in the begining when I first met him he had no contact with his parents for 7 months and they tryed writting and he never opened the letters for weeks at a time....if at all
He seems to never be ablt to face anything at least thats how he was when he used..
I think I did all I could do,he knows I tryed to contact him and it just seems to be that I cant make him want me so I guess now he dosent.
Lost is that your pic thats posted?

laurie6781

Sweetie he is in what is considered EARLY RECOVERY. I can tell you that in that period (was there once myself) the addict does not know if they are coming or going. Their head is MUSH and they are in a fog, with Reality trying to come through.

Recovery is very hard, especially in the first year, and requires that the Addict focus totally on themselves. That is not to say that somewhere down the line he may contact you to make amends, talk, etc However, I have to say that your trying to contact him may be making him feel VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. He is starting to get glimpses of 'emotions' he probably forgot he had. He NUMBED himself.

He now has to figure out, deep within himself 'why' he numbed himself. Getting clean of the drugs one was using is only the beginning. The 'drugs' were and are just a symptom of much deeper seated problems.

Give yourself a break. Go to Al-Anon and work on you. We seem to attract people to us based on our insides. When my insides were all screwed up, I attracted the same. Slowly, as I worked my program of recovery and fixed me (I am the only one I can fix) I started attracting healthier people to me, many of whom I am still close with today, folks that were emotionally and spiritually whole, or close to it.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

ilikehimalot

Everything I read on hear similar to my situation the person is not just out of a 6 month stay at a rehab etc...I am sooo confused
Why no contact after I did nothing wrong???? We went from being in love to nothing without ever having a fight.We never even fought when he was using he would just dissapear.
so hes in early recovery that means let go of someone you love?PLease help me,with advice anyone been in a simialr situation?

teke

hi, i agree with laurie. in early recovery, they are advised to focus on their recovery. it is a good thing for him to go to a halfway house. the more time he spends away from his doc and working on himself, the better chance he will have at staying sober and getting better.

on the other hand, you seems to be really stressing yourself out trying to figure out the whys and hows of his behavior. try to give yourself a break and focus on you. maybe you want to ask yourself why do you still want to be with someone who treats you this way. no you did nothing wrong so please don't except the blame for his actions.

in time, if he wants to contact you i'm sure he will but are you going to make yourself sick waiting? seems like he is really trying to do what he needs to do to get better, maybe its time for you to take this time to do the same for yourself. i really do care and don't want to see you spend as many yrs as i did waiting, worrying and hurting. i'm praying for you and for him.

IPT

I am not in the same situation, nor have I been. I did have a 4yr relatioship with a user who was quite unhappy with herself though (hence the using). A few things she said to me over the years were "I didn't have the courage to speak with you ", and "If I don't even forgive myself, how can I expect you to forgive me".

The point being that these people are not and have not been in a good place emotionally and spiritualy. At least with my ex she had a difficult time just functioning. As stated in early rehab not only have they lost their masking agent, they are now coming to terms with all the negative behaviors they've had and all the people they hurt. They are dealing with an onsluaght of emotion, guilt, and probably a lot of other emotions.

Maybe thinking about that will help you understand why he needed to withdraw? It is hard as heck to let go of these people. I am still struggling. However, I am also learnign a lot about myself and why I ended up with someone like that in the first place. Use this time to start focusing on you and what you deserve... ********{hugs}}}}}

ilikehimalot

thank you all for caring and sharing and yes I am stressing out to the point where I have made my self sick and I know its not healthy.
No I dont want to be with someone who treats me like this but once again this is a SHOCK!!!!
When he was using in the first 3 months that I met him he still never treated me like this so I guess im trying to figure out what happened after being 6 months of looking forward to our HAPPY ENDING(that is what he used to always say and text me) Im sick.Life has gone on living and I have not

ilikehimalot

Another question I ponder how long does it really take to get through the 12 steps?He is going on 7 months clean and suppossedly working on the 8-9 steps?????sounds to me like thats a little fast frm what I remember through family and others takes a very long time?
I know I cant stop OBSESSING
Its 1.00 am here and my heart is racing and sleep is not in the near future,wish it was my time ,I really cant live like this my MIND WONT STOP!!!!

kj3880

You sound just like an addict in withdrawal. Only time will make this pain go away. For now, pray to your higher power to give you some rest, just for tonight. Just for tonight, allow yourself to read a book about something light, take the focus off of him, and get a little rest. It will not seem as bleak in the morning. One AM is the roughest time. Pop in a video, or read a bit, and pray for some sleep. If you occasionally take a sleeping aid, now would be the time.

Love,
KJ

ilikehimalot

Thank you Kj have a nice night:praying

teke

try not allowing yourself to think about him, how? whenever you feel a thought about him coming on, change it by saying something out loud to change your thoughts to something positive about you.

ive been where you are right now and i decided that before i would allow myself to meditate on my ah i would say the serenity prayer over and over until that thought went away and i would practice meditating on anything other than him. it worked for me and one thought at a time, it got easier.

ilikehimalot

I wish it was that easy .....

teke

maybe it would be easier to let him go just today, let tommorrow worry about its own feelings. just for today, do everything you can to meditate on something other than him, take it back up tomorrow if you have to, but try practicing it just for today. once you get through this day, you can decide to pratice it again tomorrow. one day at a time it does get easier.

it hurts more when you look at it long term. remember just for today. for ever seems like such a long time.

ilikehimalot

Teke
Thats sounds like a wonderful idea im gonna try .Thanks

IPT

I've had the feelings, all consuming feelings that you have had. It is a nightmare, and one of the most difficult things I've gone thru. Some how I wrapped 'me" up with "her" and her responses to me. No response, I was in trouble. What I found is just saying "your ok" to my self helped a year or so ago when i was fantic. Another thing that helped me was the saying "nothing changes, if nothing changes". We can oly change ourselves so I had to work on me and my actions/reactions. Lastly, as I reach the end of this painful bumpy nightmare of a trip I am getting good information and learning a lot abut me froma book by Susan Elliott "getting past yourbreak up". She also has a site called GPYP (getting past your past) that had information I found helpful. Now when i get wrapped up in it I try to change my thoughts and start it by saying "it doesn't matter" 3x to myself.

I am sorry your feeling what you are. It is so tough to be there.

ilikehimalot

Ipt Thank you for sharing and caring
Whats going on with you at this point?
Do you still have contact?
How long has it been?
Im sorry that you had to go through this as well ,

IPT

Me, just plugging along. Still often have a hole deep in my gut, miss her sometimes. Wish she would reach out, wonder what she's doing and if she cares at all for me. On the other hand when i look at it, I have had no contact for a solid month, have not seen her in over 6 weeks, and I broke up with her (because I had just realized she was unlikely to change given SO MANY chances where she didn’t and I just couldn’t keep accepting crumbs)and only saw her about 6 or 7 times in the past 4 and a 1/2 months. The relationship is over, but part of my heart has not accepted it yet. I fought hard to keep NC (no contact) and still am.

It hurts. I am also mad at myself, and her for the treatment she bestowed on me (and I willingly accepted). I wonder about all the lies and deception and what was true or not. Then I need a reality check, accepting that I am getting hurt and upset by things that may or may not have even happened. The truth is we are a bad match on many levels. She is sick and not ready or willing to change. It breaks my heart and that in and of itself is the trap. I KNOW I AM ADDICTED to her and she can real me in. I NEED to keep no contact or I will probably falter. When I look back at some of her emails to me she told me many times that she was unable to meet my needs, be responsible or reliable and I talked her into trying again and again. I was not willing to accept the truth that she knew.

I have learned A LOT about me. Gone over and did inventories of my life, previous relationships, this most recent one, and learned a ton. I am sad, but also ready to change me and my ways. Looking forward to see what happens when I get with a healthy person and how I will handle it. Getting out of the bad was one thing. Understanding why i got in it and stayed so long, how I will respond when faced with a healthy one totally another. I never realized a lot of what I WAS doing. It was easy to be with someone clearly messed up and lay the blame externally.

Truth is I read that, and did a lot of searching for MY part. i really didn't see it. Even seeing a therapist. it is only NOW after all this time, good books, this place, and a lot of introspection that I am where I am. I'm not where I want to be, but I am closer than I was. I am out of a merry go round that kept bringing me full circle. I want to be on a train that GOES somewhere (a happy relationship without fear of being let down, put second to anything, and being treated with love and respect) with different scenery and a future that is not repetitious of the same past that made me so crazy and unhappy

Butterfly14

I just wanted to add are you sure he is in recovery? I say this becuase my ex was in a so called halfway house and we all thought he was clean and he wasn't....eventually they figured it out and threw him out of the halfway house. I am suspect that he won't let his parents visit him at the halfway house why not? Did you visit him while he was in the rehab? Sounds like you had a lot of contact with him the last 6 months so his not calling you now after calling you all that time sounds odd to me. I have learned things are never what they seem with an addict..to expect the unexpected. I hate to stir up any kind of doubt as he may be working a program and just confused and overwhelmed and maybe embarassed by the halfway house and may not want his folks to see him there but still something seems strange.

My BF is also a cocaine and drink abuser and when he is using and on his binges is when i don't hear from him not when he is clean that is when he calls. Don't blame yourself I know we all wonder what we did to deserve the treatment they give but honestly it's more about there own demons then anythign you did. Keep going to ALANON and working your own program. He will do what he is going to do... just let him be for now and the answers you seek will come when the time is right.

Hang in There it will get better.

ilikehimalot

Butterfly thank yuu for sharing and caring.Yes I also thought the same thing about the recovery and a friend of mine who owns a real estate company told me the place he is at by the address nad phone number comes back to a 2 bedroom condo and a painting business is listed at the address.

Then I thought why am I bothering trying to figure this all out anyways because thats whats making me feel this overwhelming anxiety

For the last 6 months while he was in rehab I saw him 2 days ever other week he came home(here)for overnight stays,once a week I would go spend the day shopping,lunch,dinner,walking,etc and drove an hour and a half every saturday and sunday to visit and go to the meetings
I am taking the advice given to me today to try one day at a time to go without thinking about him,today well i made it a few hours on and off
I feel like I would do anything to find out what happened but I think in the process im slowly killing myself,no sleep cant eat and obsessed over it.I cant say the same for him.The truth hurts