Shakespeare

I am new to this site and thought I would wade in and take the plunge on the forum. I am on Day 5 of not drinking. This is not a new thing. I have been an habitual heavy drinker since my teens.

Periodically I have gone without heavy drinking in this period. A few weeks in my Air Force days, even whilst on a skiing trip. That was 25 years ago. Six months in the Gulf War. That was enforced and some 19 years ago. More recently six weeks some 6 years ago and this year 8 weeks.

Now it is back to the drawing board. My problem is that I have never viewed myself as being alcoholic. I have always told myself that I am just an habitual heavy drinker. The problem with the latter view is that it pretends that I 'choose' to be a drinker rather than am compelled to be a drinker.

It is now dawning on me in mid-life that there is for me a significant compulsion to drink. Whether this is driven by a void in my life, an addiction to booze or the fact I am just a hedonist who likes getting high. In the end I feel whatever it is ...the amount of booze I am capable of consuming is damaging.

I am the sort of chap who plans his drinking. Two bottles of wine won't do it...it has to be three. I don't drink everyday. The usual pattern was, blow out, don't drink the next day, feel so good for not drinking, let's celebrate by getting high again.

The real worry is that after leaving the military is that I am now effectively my own boss and work for most of the time from home. I am also single . This means that for the last 8 years I can get up when I like. Go to bed when I like. Drink what I want, when I want and how much I want.

The pattern is slightly changed since before. Now its the six o'clock start. TV on, Net on, wine on, supper on. And I'm as happy as Larry. Come midnight the TV is off, the music is on and I am having the best conversations with myself you have ever heard! Come two o'clock I may have a little blubber but God how I enjoy a good drunken blub!

Next day typically. Wake up late morning. Hungover. Hit the net for an hour or so. Talk to online pals.Three diet cokes later have a bath mid-afternoon. Take a book and a can of pepsi in with me. Have a read, snooze, more reading. I'm in there at least three hours if not more.

Out of bath. Feeling relaxed, meditative. Will drink any wine that is left from night before that evening. If not it doesn't phase me. There is never enough left anyway to get drunk over again. However, I do feel the 'depression' following of those sessions. That is when I always decide that somethings got to go.

Upshot of all this is. Booze makes me fatter. Costs me money. Makes me less productive and finally, God knows what damage internally.

Not seriously withdrawn. Usual problems sleeping which I know by the weekend will be over. Didn't have the itching of other times. Mood is swinging. Happy one moment. Angry and irritated the next. Even the excessive peeing hasn't occurred yet! That always annoys me.

Why did I cave in the previous occasions? Usually because my AV tells me that I am denying myself in life and that why bother living if you cannot do what the rest of the world are all doing and enjoying. The second reason is, I get un-utterably bored really easily. For me drink punctuated life and my day. Without drink at the moment there is no punctuation. The day, the month ...my life just goes on and on and on and on. Then by about the six week point I get really angry. Why the hell should I live like this! A life of un-mitigated tedium. The thing is my life is full. I have a great job as an actor and writer. And yet..and yet........you know the rest of the story.

Sorry that this has been a long one but I have been helped by all the threads I have read on here and have learnt some great things. The most important for me so far is. Being an alcoholic is not about how often and how much one drinks. The only drink you have control over is the first one.

Thanks for listening.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

Good for you for stopping drinking and for recognizing that you have a problem. The label of the problem is not really so important.

Since you usually get to a 6-week point and then drinking again, I would ask you what other changes you have made in your life besides stopping drinking? Recovery involves many aspects of life and I think things like exercise, social activities, work, meditating all play a role in recovery.

I hope you keep reading and posting.

Shakespeare

Hi Anna,

Well. I live in the countryside. There is not a great lot going on where I live without car journeys, which tend to become expensive for me as a jobbing actor. The pub used to be the place I would socialise but pubs hold no interest for me anymore. I find the whole experience of bars the way I used them facile. Talking BS with people that actually don't care about you. I let my martial arts slip. I gave up my gym membership as it was getting too expensive and the journey there and back was annoying. I am, however, a member of the Orthodox Church which involved long journeys too and that provides a focus for at least part of the weekend (any other Orthodox out there?)

I take on board what you mean though Anna. Last time which lasted 8 weeks I even went to the cinema on my own. And it wasn't that dreadful an experience. I usually fill the spare time with visiting friends, going to auctions, boot sales...anything that will give me something to do that day. That is always the problem...what to do with all this time I now have. I may have to look into evening activities as the Winter draws in.

tommyk

Welcome to SR.

In early recovery I viewed myslef as a 'problem drinker' instead of an alcoholic.

I din't want problems so I quit drinking.

You want problems? Keep drinking, I suspect they will come to you.

I don't have time for drinking, or the problems associated with drinking, my life is too full.

(And too fulfilling.

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Shakespeare. I can relate to a lot of what you speak of with your drinking. I did progressinto daily drinking for my last 5 years though. Anna mentions change, I concur totally!

There are many different ways of change, for me it was AA, great people and for me a program that saved my life. I would strongly suggest you see a doctor and be honest with him about your drinking and have the doc do a checkup on you.

For me and most other alcoholics simply not drinking to not drink seems to eventually always to lead one right back to drinking again.

Most recovering alcoholics with some time sober have a recovery program of some sort which has led them to a vital change in them selfs that takes them to a place in thier life where the solution to things in life does not involve drinking.

For me it was AA, for others it is a self developed recovery program, but there are also other recovery programs that work for folks as well.

Hang around, ask questions, keep an open mind and be willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober and change.

NEOMARXIST

I used to refer to myself as a F*ckhead, Mashead, Binger, Alcohol abuser, Good-time boy you name it I was called it! But never alcoholic. For some reason I found that term very difficult to get my head around.
Consequently I left the leverage needed to be able to persuade myself that I can get drunk again and I am only doing what lots of other people are doing. Right? Wrong!

I would always drink untill blackout, Wouldn't be able to realistically stop drinking once I start, Have an insatiable thirst which gets stronger and stronger the more I drink, Find that I seem to get a euphoria from alcohol which others don't seem to get, Find that I become a totally different person once under the influence, Find that when most people are wanting to stop drinking I am only just getting wamed up, Find that drinking becomes the only thing that matters once I start, Never want the feeling to end, Crave a drink as soon as I awake from passing out, Happily start drinking again at 6.30AM, Find that there is never a time where I wouldn't mind getting drunk, Find I feel very depressed after my binge has come to an end and wish I could do it all again, Find that I am living for my weekend binge and so on and so on.

I now accept 100% I am an alcoholic and that most 'Normal' people don't experience what i do or their lives become affected like mine when they take a drink.

I realise that not drinking is difficult as not only is there the chemical feeling being missed but also the whole culture that goes with it ie- meeting girls and generally having the craic at the pubs and clubs.

However I accept that realistically when I take a drink nothing else matters anyway and I will be going to oblivion everytime. So I accept drinking is not an option for me. Period.

I find overall I am much happier with this scenario as drinking was causing me many, many problems. All the Best Mate.

Shakespeare

That is the first time I have heard that angle and it seems to hit most of the nail on the head for me. Once I have 'proved' that I can 'not' drink. I think to myself 'alright I've done that, proved my point...balls to this...wheres the wine'. And as you know back to the same old yo-yoing.

My personality is extreme I am told. I can't do moderation. Even in hobbies or interests I pursue all out.

BTW been to the doctors a number of time for all my tests etc. I get a different doctor each time normally with differing advice. None advised me to give up though. Just moderate. One even said I wouldn't worry just make sure I take plenty of Vit B complex to protect my organs (judging by his palour I suspect he was a heavy drinker himself). The upshot was that I felt almost encouraged not to give up.

All said it is me that is enduring this life and I now know that I have a problem even if my doctors don't agree to what extent. Last night in bed before sleeping I was getting all sorts of memories of the times I had been drunk and some of the situations I had got myself into and the times I had to function with hangovers. The whole of my adult life has been littered with memories of me coping with my alcohol consumption....and now I am thoroughly fed up with it all. Thanks for all your insights.

Tazman53

Shakespeare unless a doctor has taken the time to learn about alcoholism, or they specialize in alcoholism and addictions, they really have no idea what the early signs of alcoholism are, what they know is the long term results of alcoholism like cirrosis of the liver, pancreatitus, pancreatic cancer, etc.

I am like you, an all or nothing type of person, for me it is like torture to just have 2-3 drinks and quit, things are just starting to get where I think I want to go!! Life is far easier and better for me not drinking, my problem was I had reached the point where alcohol had become a solution for life and I knew no other solution. In the steps of AA I have found a new solution which has resulted in a much better life for me today.

My past no longer haunts me, it no longer keeps me awake at night, nor do I sit around being remorseful over my past, I have found a way through AA to take my sordid past and use it to be of benefit to other alcoholics.

Shakespeare

Thanks Taz,

BTW i love Fredericksburg. I visited there once when I was in Virginia and thought if I lived in America I could do a lot worse than Fredericksburg.

matt88

This quote really stood out to me. I related to your whole post, but this one stood out to me the most presently. It's like even if we don't get liver disease, and the doctors say we're fine, do we want to look back on our lives and say, "I just pretty much spent X amount of years revolving around alcohol in some manner or another".

killingmesmalls

A lot of what you all have written about in this thread has really hit home. I as a binge drinker and was actually proud of how much I could drink in comparison to others & would treat it like a badge of honor - making fun of those that couldn't keep up. Those are the nights I remember though, there were countless nights I ruined friendships, picked fights & was just in general awful to be around. People never knew which side of me would come out after the 3rd drink & that was always the point where I really start kickin the drinks back. Eventually friends would just become cautious when drinking around me and leave before it got weird. This led me to drinking alone many times.

I went through rehab in my teens, and have quit many times hence - but like you, never for very long. I have a family now and carry a lot of guilt that I am an alcoholic. It feels better now that I am actually taking steps to get better, but I haven't let any of them know I am in the program. For a long time what held me back was the fear of being exposed for what I truly was. It's somewhat ridiculous that I could rationalize it to that extend, and would rather hide how much I drank in secret & feel guilt ridden over it for a day or two - but always the need to drink again would be stronger than any momentary guilt I felt.

I am very new to the program, 5 days now. I made my first meeting yesterday, which was damn hard to make myself walk into. I really like this site - I feel I can open up more about my issues and like reading all the threads - but someone called me out on it, not going to actual physical meetings is another form of hiding. I really did want to hear this - because this site offers more anonymity than a face to face meeting and it's very, very convenient. And think about it now - and this should not be my focus in recovery - on how hidden or anonymous I can stay & how it easily it fits into my life. Because one day I will hit a point where I will want to drink, and not want to go to a meeting for whatever excuse I can come up with - and that is when I will need to go the most.

I am rambling - thank you all for the posts. Stay the course and try not to let yourself get bored.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Shakespeare

I was stuck in the drink...feel bad...get better...drink cycle for years. What Anna and Taz said about just not drinking not being enough was so true for me.

I ended up a 24/7 drinker. The longest I ever went 'just not drinking' was almost 8 weeks and that was torture.

I'm 2 and a half years sober now and my life has been never better.

As I see it, it's about activities and keeping busy sure, but it's also about trying to discern what alcohol was 'doing' for me, or what I hoped or thought it was doing for me, and finding other better, healthier ways to 'fill that hole'.

For me I obviously badly needed a sense of purpose - coming here to SR everyday and helping others goes a long way to helping me find that.

I've found lots of other things along the way too

I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for too - either here, or through here, Shakespeare.

Hope to see you around some more!
D

Wolfchild

Welcome to the Sober Recovery community.

Charmie

hello shakespeare and welcome to sr,,my hometown is york and my name comes from one of your namesakes plays!!! my life was what i refer to as a treadmill,the same thing over and over again and with the same results but to different degrees of futility.and it always progressivly got worse.i havnt drank now for just a little over 6 months.im an alcoholic and i could not have done this on my own.im with tazman on this one.i knew when i stopped drinking that i needed something more so i went to AA (i had been before briefly 4 yrs ago but wasnt "ready") and kind of knew what was on offer.my life has changed beyond recognition as indeed i have in a very short space of time.i am never bored,i have plenty to do and even if i dont thats ok,i like my own company now and just reading a book suits me just fine,for the first time in my life i have peace and contentment and love to relax.i very very seldom think of booze and if i do this thought is removed quickly from my mind,certainly the obsession has gone!.AA has shown me how to be happy with life as it is,not how i want it.there are other recovery programmes and lots of folk here have found many different ways of getting and keeping sobriety,this is just what is working for me.i wish you well on your journey.

Hevyn

Pleased to meet you, Shakespeare. I also related to most everything you said. It was very late in the game that I finally acknowledged I'm an alcoholic. A life of unmitigated tedium - my perception of my situation as well. I half-heartedly tried to quit numerous times over the past 25 yrs. I white-knuckled it so often, joyless and resentful. I didn't give myself enough time to get used to living my life in a different way.

I might have gone on that way except that during my last binge something was different. I had started out celebrating on Christmas with a bit of eggnog - then vodka & beer. For 3 weeks I couldn't lay it down & was drinking round-the-clock. I was terrified, heart pounding, desperate. That was the first time I felt that I might not be able to drag myself out of hell. I think being older has alot to do with it - we simply can't keep torturing ourselves and expect to bounce back the way we once could.

I'm so glad you've come to the realization that things must change for you. I hope you will let us know how it's going and let us help.

thirtybubba

Welcome, Shakespeare. I too can relate to most of your post, although I wasn't a binge drinker I experienced many of the same things you (and others who posted above as well). I have 72 hours clean after a recent relapse, and my best humble suggestion is to reiterate what Anna and Dee said specifically and others hinted at.

Find something else to do. Isolation and the fact that what you used to do, whether in the military or your pub life, is no longer viable, can be dangerous. I am in a very similar situation, although this week things came to a climax and now I am reaching out to members of the sober community--namely AA. In a few short days, my positive outlook has increased dramatically. I still need to find more things to do, I'm just at a loss to think of what exactly right now.

Keep posting in the meanwhile.

Shakespeare

Hi there and thanks for the words of encouragement. I know your present location quite well from my RAF Kinloss days. Needless to say even back then I was drunk a lot in all the towns and villages near you. What I have to remember is that my AV tells me what a blast it all was..what great adventures! What of course really happened was I got short toured and posted out of there after only a year. Of course when I took up acting full time I had my drinking idols. Like journalists and writers I thought the hard boozing actors were great people. Oliver Reed, Richard Burton, Lee Marvin, Peter O'Toole, Richard Harries etc etc. Now they have been replaced by non-drinking great actors. Antony Hopkins, Ewan McGregor, Samuel L Jackson etc etc.

Boleo

Welcome Shakespeare;

If you are beginning to see a problem with your drinking there must be something going on.

Learn as much as you can as fast as you can to keep the monkey on your back from turning into a Gorilla.

CarolD

Glad you are here with us.....
Welcome!

Charmie

my other half (also in recovery) was in the RAF for 28 yrs,and was stationed at kinloss and lossiemouth!,,the drinking culture in the forces is phenominal,drinking clubs and that is being polite!