To Be or Not to BE
I am new to this site and thought I would wade in and take the plunge on the forum. I am on Day 5 of not drinking. This is not a new thing. I have been an habitual heavy drinker since my teens.
Periodically I have gone without heavy drinking in this period. A few weeks in my Air Force days, even whilst on a skiing trip. That was 25 years ago. Six months in the Gulf War. That was enforced and some 19 years ago. More recently six weeks some 6 years ago and this year 8 weeks.
Now it is back to the drawing board. My problem is that I have never viewed myself as being alcoholic. I have always told myself that I am just an habitual heavy drinker. The problem with the latter view is that it pretends that I 'choose' to be a drinker rather than am compelled to be a drinker.
It is now dawning on me in mid-life that there is for me a significant compulsion to drink. Whether this is driven by a void in my life, an addiction to booze or the fact I am just a hedonist who likes getting high. In the end I feel whatever it is ...the amount of booze I am capable of consuming is damaging.
I am the sort of chap who plans his drinking. Two bottles of wine won't do it...it has to be three. I don't drink everyday. The usual pattern was, blow out, don't drink the next day, feel so good for not drinking, let's celebrate by getting high again.
The real worry is that after leaving the military is that I am now effectively my own boss and work for most of the time from home. I am also single . This means that for the last 8 years I can get up when I like. Go to bed when I like. Drink what I want, when I want and how much I want.
The pattern is slightly changed since before. Now its the six o'clock start. TV on, Net on, wine on, supper on. And I'm as happy as Larry. Come midnight the TV is off, the music is on and I am having the best conversations with myself you have ever heard! Come two o'clock I may have a little blubber but God how I enjoy a good drunken blub!
Next day typically. Wake up late morning. Hungover. Hit the net for an hour or so. Talk to online pals.Three diet cokes later have a bath mid-afternoon. Take a book and a can of pepsi in with me. Have a read, snooze, more reading. I'm in there at least three hours if not more.
Out of bath. Feeling relaxed, meditative. Will drink any wine that is left from night before that evening. If not it doesn't phase me. There is never enough left anyway to get drunk over again. However, I do feel the 'depression' following of those sessions. That is when I always decide that somethings got to go.
Upshot of all this is. Booze makes me fatter. Costs me money. Makes me less productive and finally, God knows what damage internally.
Not seriously withdrawn. Usual problems sleeping which I know by the weekend will be over. Didn't have the itching of other times. Mood is swinging. Happy one moment. Angry and irritated the next. Even the excessive peeing hasn't occurred yet! That always annoys me.
Why did I cave in the previous occasions? Usually because my AV tells me that I am denying myself in life and that why bother living if you cannot do what the rest of the world are all doing and enjoying. The second reason is, I get un-utterably bored really easily. For me drink punctuated life and my day. Without drink at the moment there is no punctuation. The day, the month ...my life just goes on and on and on and on. Then by about the six week point I get really angry. Why the hell should I live like this! A life of un-mitigated tedium. The thing is my life is full. I have a great job as an actor and writer. And yet..and yet........you know the rest of the story.
Sorry that this has been a long one but I have been helped by all the threads I have read on here and have learnt some great things. The most important for me so far is. Being an alcoholic is not about how often and how much one drinks. The only drink you have control over is the first one.
Thanks for listening.