Had to kick my 19yo son out this morning :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Had to kick my 19yo son out this morning :(
He is 5 weeks out of rehab and was doing well.
Yesterday he was supposed to be registering for school. I didn't hear from him all day.
The conditions of his living here (rather than a halfway house) was that he was 1) to attend 4+ meetings per week, 2) stay clean, 3) be employed within 2 months, 4) be home by 10:30p on weeknights and 5) get registered for college and maintain a C average.
He has been sorta looking for a job, but not employed yet.
By midnight I was really getting worried. He's been sooooo good about checking in and being home on time. There was no answer on his cell.
He finally came in at 12:30 and was obviously drunk but tried to say he wasnt'... just tired. (his DOC is pot and coke) I sent him to bed.
This morning I went out to his truck and found a garbage bag full of empty beer cans, an empty bottle of tequila and a urine cleanser (used to beat drug tests). He went to the beach yesterday instead of registering for school. Not such a good choice.
I told him to pack his stuff and be out within an hour because I had errands to run. I asked for his house key and changed the codes on the alarm system. I suggested he call his counselors at the rehab, get to a meeting and start asking around about how to get into a halfway house.
I gave him $40.
He left while I was in the shower.
I am so very disappointed and extremely sad and scared....but this is what I've been *trained* to do by addiction counselors, Al-anon, and here at SR.
Just tell me I did the right thing!! OK? I feel like the crappiest mother on the planet right now.
Yesterday he was supposed to be registering for school. I didn't hear from him all day.
The conditions of his living here (rather than a halfway house) was that he was 1) to attend 4+ meetings per week, 2) stay clean, 3) be employed within 2 months, 4) be home by 10:30p on weeknights and 5) get registered for college and maintain a C average.
He has been sorta looking for a job, but not employed yet.
By midnight I was really getting worried. He's been sooooo good about checking in and being home on time. There was no answer on his cell.
He finally came in at 12:30 and was obviously drunk but tried to say he wasnt'... just tired. (his DOC is pot and coke) I sent him to bed.
This morning I went out to his truck and found a garbage bag full of empty beer cans, an empty bottle of tequila and a urine cleanser (used to beat drug tests). He went to the beach yesterday instead of registering for school. Not such a good choice.
I told him to pack his stuff and be out within an hour because I had errands to run. I asked for his house key and changed the codes on the alarm system. I suggested he call his counselors at the rehab, get to a meeting and start asking around about how to get into a halfway house.
I gave him $40.
He left while I was in the shower.
I am so very disappointed and extremely sad and scared....but this is what I've been *trained* to do by addiction counselors, Al-anon, and here at SR.
Just tell me I did the right thing!! OK? I feel like the crappiest mother on the planet right now.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
You did the right thing. Rules are rules and if you don't follow through, he'll walk all over you. He'll have to figure out on his own that if he can't follow the rules, he'll be out the door. You did the right thing. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
You stated your boundaries, and he obviously made more than one bad choice. That is entirely on him.
If you give them an inch, they will take a mile. Following through is so very important when we do establish boundaries.
Personal accountability is what it is all about if he is ever to get truly serious about recovery.
From a mother who understands, heartfelt hugs from Kansas. :ghug2
If you give them an inch, they will take a mile. Following through is so very important when we do establish boundaries.
Personal accountability is what it is all about if he is ever to get truly serious about recovery.
From a mother who understands, heartfelt hugs from Kansas. :ghug2
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You're a wonderful mother who loves her son enough that she won't enable him right into the grave.
You set rules/boundaries. He had two options...1. Obey the rules and live at home and 2. Disrespect the rules and live any place else.
You didn't kick him out, he optioned himself out when he chose "2".
Doing the right thing isn't always easy, but it's always the right thing.
Hugs from another Mama who knows how hard this is. :ghug3
You set rules/boundaries. He had two options...1. Obey the rules and live at home and 2. Disrespect the rules and live any place else.
You didn't kick him out, he optioned himself out when he chose "2".
Doing the right thing isn't always easy, but it's always the right thing.
Hugs from another Mama who knows how hard this is. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((tpj613)))
I'm a recovering addict and you did the right thing. If we are faced with boundaries and limits, we will never learn and will continue down the path of least resistance....dope and getting high. It's only when we have to face consequences of our actions and those consequences start adding up, that most of us realize it's just not worth it, gettin high, any more That's where we're more likely to seek recovery. I didn't have that many conseuqences compared to others I now, but for a kid who grew up and had never been in trouble, they were bad enough for me!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering addict and you did the right thing. If we are faced with boundaries and limits, we will never learn and will continue down the path of least resistance....dope and getting high. It's only when we have to face consequences of our actions and those consequences start adding up, that most of us realize it's just not worth it, gettin high, any more That's where we're more likely to seek recovery. I didn't have that many conseuqences compared to others I now, but for a kid who grew up and had never been in trouble, they were bad enough for me!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Faerie
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Australia
Posts: 396
Don't feel bad, you did the right thing.
You set fair and clear boundaries and he broke them.
He is a 19 yr old man, not a child.
Hopefully this is a wake up calls for him and will kick start his recovery.
Much love,
Faerie x
You set fair and clear boundaries and he broke them.
He is a 19 yr old man, not a child.
Hopefully this is a wake up calls for him and will kick start his recovery.
Much love,
Faerie x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Thank you all so much. I guess I'll go bury my head in a codie book and try not to worry.
One thing I've observed... I used to drink 1-2 glasses of wine while cooking dinner but I quit that when he got back from rehab...and I missed it. Tonight I *could have* finally had a glass ....but I didn't really even want one. Odd....and good.
Thanks again....really! it's so great to have wise support.
One thing I've observed... I used to drink 1-2 glasses of wine while cooking dinner but I quit that when he got back from rehab...and I missed it. Tonight I *could have* finally had a glass ....but I didn't really even want one. Odd....and good.
Thanks again....really! it's so great to have wise support.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You stood by your boundaries and that makes you a GOOD mom!!!!
I do have a question or two though .............................. is the truck in his name or yours? Is the insurance in his name or a rider on your yours? Who pays the insurance?
If your name is on anything related to his vehicle and he drive's drunk (as he obviously did last night) and has an accident you could lose a LOT.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
I do have a question or two though .............................. is the truck in his name or yours? Is the insurance in his name or a rider on your yours? Who pays the insurance?
If your name is on anything related to his vehicle and he drive's drunk (as he obviously did last night) and has an accident you could lose a LOT.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, i think you are a good mom and is helping your son more than you probably think. one day he will appreciate your strength. i'm eternally grateful to my mom who basically used the same kind of tough love. she allowed me to suffer the consequences of my actions. still praying for you and yours
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
You stood by your boundaries and that makes you a GOOD mom!!!!
I do have a question or two though .............................. is the truck in his name or yours? Is the insurance in his name or a rider on your yours? Who pays the insurance?
If your name is on anything related to his vehicle and he drive's drunk (as he obviously did last night) and has an accident you could lose a LOT.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
I do have a question or two though .............................. is the truck in his name or yours? Is the insurance in his name or a rider on your yours? Who pays the insurance?
If your name is on anything related to his vehicle and he drive's drunk (as he obviously did last night) and has an accident you could lose a LOT.
Just a thought.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((tpj613)))
As you stick around more, you will find out that a lot of the people here have not only loved an addict (or 3 or mor in my case) but several of us also battled our own addiction). I am not saying that brag, because certainly, being an addict is nothing I am proud of.
I'm simply pointing out that a few of us have learned things that work and why they work from both sides. I learned that when my dad left me in jail and I had to wait until the judge decided to let me out, what dealing with my concequences meant. Boy, I didn't like that at all!! HOWEVER, I sure didn't want to do anything to get me in trouble again, either, so I decided that crack just wasn't that great.
Six months later when my addict boyfriend was locked up, begging me to get him out, swearing he would straighten out and telling me all I wanted to hear, I bailed him out. I was living in a motel close to work so I could be on the busline to get to work. It took him one night to steal the money my roommate and I had set aside for that week's rent..I was being admitted to the hospital when he did it.
I should have listened to the people at SR and left him in hail. The lst 3 times he's begged me, I've given him moral support, told him how great MY life is in recovery, and wished him well.
Even as an addict I KNEW BETTER and I still got sucked into the manipulation. The more I stay here and read, the stronger I get.
Now I'm dealing with another family member who is an addict. If I have doubts about something or "just a funny feeling" I come here and post about it. I've NEVER been made to feel like an idiot and have usually come away smiling, thinking "see, it's NOT just me!!"
Hugs and prayers!!
Amy
As you stick around more, you will find out that a lot of the people here have not only loved an addict (or 3 or mor in my case) but several of us also battled our own addiction). I am not saying that brag, because certainly, being an addict is nothing I am proud of.
I'm simply pointing out that a few of us have learned things that work and why they work from both sides. I learned that when my dad left me in jail and I had to wait until the judge decided to let me out, what dealing with my concequences meant. Boy, I didn't like that at all!! HOWEVER, I sure didn't want to do anything to get me in trouble again, either, so I decided that crack just wasn't that great.
Six months later when my addict boyfriend was locked up, begging me to get him out, swearing he would straighten out and telling me all I wanted to hear, I bailed him out. I was living in a motel close to work so I could be on the busline to get to work. It took him one night to steal the money my roommate and I had set aside for that week's rent..I was being admitted to the hospital when he did it.
I should have listened to the people at SR and left him in hail. The lst 3 times he's begged me, I've given him moral support, told him how great MY life is in recovery, and wished him well.
Even as an addict I KNEW BETTER and I still got sucked into the manipulation. The more I stay here and read, the stronger I get.
Now I'm dealing with another family member who is an addict. If I have doubts about something or "just a funny feeling" I come here and post about it. I've NEVER been made to feel like an idiot and have usually come away smiling, thinking "see, it's NOT just me!!"
Hugs and prayers!!
Amy
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You did what needed to be done, not allowing him to be an addict in your house.
That being said, you can still maintain a relationship with him.
Compassion goes a long way.
As he struggles and relapses, which is part of this horrible disease, you can still love him
so that he knows he can talk to about recovery when he is ready.
Sorry for the setback and hope being shattered. Hopefully only a bump in the road.
That being said, you can still maintain a relationship with him.
Compassion goes a long way.
As he struggles and relapses, which is part of this horrible disease, you can still love him
so that he knows he can talk to about recovery when he is ready.
Sorry for the setback and hope being shattered. Hopefully only a bump in the road.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
You're not the crappiest mother on the planet right now!
You're the best mother on the planet right now!
Boy did the consequence follow very quickly on the heels of that decision - and that is the best way for one to learn!! If plunging our hand in hot water took weeks to cause any pain, you can bet we would all be sticking our hands in hot water a lot more often than we do.
Keep coming back here, going to your counselor, going to meetings. Double up on all that stuff right now because you are vulnerable. Expect your son to really put on all the manipulations (making you feel guilty, making you pity him, being angry at you, accusing you of ruining his life, accusing you of making a big deal out of nothing, blah,blah,blah). You have to keep very strong to resist all that and stick to your Mom-of-the-year guns!!
And is there any plan for your son should be truly want to get back into recovery? Another rehab? Having to live in a halfway house or some type of recovery house? A long-term treatment facility? Was there anything covering this in your contract with him? Or was it not mentioned? This may be the time to talk to the counselor about this. Having a plan would help settle you - especially if you don't want him living with you again.
Keep coming back....
You're the best mother on the planet right now!
Boy did the consequence follow very quickly on the heels of that decision - and that is the best way for one to learn!! If plunging our hand in hot water took weeks to cause any pain, you can bet we would all be sticking our hands in hot water a lot more often than we do.
Keep coming back here, going to your counselor, going to meetings. Double up on all that stuff right now because you are vulnerable. Expect your son to really put on all the manipulations (making you feel guilty, making you pity him, being angry at you, accusing you of ruining his life, accusing you of making a big deal out of nothing, blah,blah,blah). You have to keep very strong to resist all that and stick to your Mom-of-the-year guns!!
And is there any plan for your son should be truly want to get back into recovery? Another rehab? Having to live in a halfway house or some type of recovery house? A long-term treatment facility? Was there anything covering this in your contract with him? Or was it not mentioned? This may be the time to talk to the counselor about this. Having a plan would help settle you - especially if you don't want him living with you again.
Keep coming back....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by sojourner
You're not the crappiest mother on the planet right now!
You're the best mother on the planet right now!
Boy did the consequence follow very quickly on the heels of that decision - and that is the best way for one to learn!! If plunging our hand in hot water took weeks to cause any pain, you can bet we would all be sticking our hands in hot water a lot more often than we do.
Keep coming back here, going to your counselor, going to meetings. Double up on all that stuff right now because you are vulnerable. Expect your son to really put on all the manipulations (making you feel guilty, making you pity him, being angry at you, accusing you of ruining his life, accusing you of making a big deal out of nothing, blah,blah,blah). You have to keep very strong to resist all that and stick to your Mom-of-the-year guns!!
And is there any plan for your son should be truly want to get back into recovery? Another rehab? Having to live in a halfway house or some type of recovery house? A long-term treatment facility? Was there anything covering this in your contract with him? Or was it not mentioned? This may be the time to talk to the counselor about this. Having a plan would help settle you - especially if you don't want him living with you again.
Keep coming back....
You're the best mother on the planet right now!
Boy did the consequence follow very quickly on the heels of that decision - and that is the best way for one to learn!! If plunging our hand in hot water took weeks to cause any pain, you can bet we would all be sticking our hands in hot water a lot more often than we do.
Keep coming back here, going to your counselor, going to meetings. Double up on all that stuff right now because you are vulnerable. Expect your son to really put on all the manipulations (making you feel guilty, making you pity him, being angry at you, accusing you of ruining his life, accusing you of making a big deal out of nothing, blah,blah,blah). You have to keep very strong to resist all that and stick to your Mom-of-the-year guns!!
And is there any plan for your son should be truly want to get back into recovery? Another rehab? Having to live in a halfway house or some type of recovery house? A long-term treatment facility? Was there anything covering this in your contract with him? Or was it not mentioned? This may be the time to talk to the counselor about this. Having a plan would help settle you - especially if you don't want him living with you again.
Keep coming back....
I told him living at home would be very similar to living in a halfway house and set up the above-mentioned conditions. So that's why when he relapsed, he was kicked out -- just like a halfway house would be.
I suggested to him that he call his counselors at rehab and start looking for a halfway house. I've always told him I will support his recovery but not his addiction. He has his psychotherapist, many counselors at rehab, his sponsor and several AA/NA groups he can turn to for support. He knows the program -- it's up to him to use it or not.
Thanks everyone -- you've definitely made me feel better.
All the way into work this morning I was having a chat with myself -- This is a God Job and I have to step aside and let Him do His thing. My worrying will not change the outcome.
Thank you, God, for Al-Anon and SoberRecovery.com. :praying
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I often had to tell myself that my son had some really important life lessons to learn and they weren't from me. I used that line to anyone who asked about him, when he was gone.
Understanding hugs from one mom to another.
Understanding hugs from one mom to another.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
tjp613:
Reading your last post reminds me that I'm not a parole officer's at-home employee, addictions counselor, drug testing facility operator, or halfway house supervisor. I'm a mom. Yes, i did those things already - taking on the responsibility of keeping someone under a "contract" in my own home. I know from experience i won't do that again. I'm a mom. I can't write down right now what that job description entails, but it is not the things i wrote above.
Keep coming back ! We all gain from your story too as much as I hope you gain from ours.
Reading your last post reminds me that I'm not a parole officer's at-home employee, addictions counselor, drug testing facility operator, or halfway house supervisor. I'm a mom. Yes, i did those things already - taking on the responsibility of keeping someone under a "contract" in my own home. I know from experience i won't do that again. I'm a mom. I can't write down right now what that job description entails, but it is not the things i wrote above.
Keep coming back ! We all gain from your story too as much as I hope you gain from ours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by sojourner
tjp613:
Reading your last post reminds me that I'm not a parole officer's at-home employee, addictions counselor, drug testing facility operator, or halfway house supervisor. I'm a mom.
Reading your last post reminds me that I'm not a parole officer's at-home employee, addictions counselor, drug testing facility operator, or halfway house supervisor. I'm a mom.
Isn't that the truth!! And being a parole officer takes a lot of time away from being a MOM to my other child!! She's 15 and going thru some stuff herself (changing high schools -- ugh) and I'd really like to be able to focus on her for awhile!!!...not to mention MYSELF and my husband!
Thanks -- I'm not going anywhere! SR is my refuge in between meetings!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
Been there, done that. I'm so proud of you. You loved him enough to let him go, tell him the truth, stick to the rules - and let him make his choice.
But just because I did the right thing, didn't mean that it wasn't painful for me. That's when my Alanon meetings and friends really helped to support me - so that I didn't cave in.
Sounds to me like you are recovering from "your part of the disease" - and hopefully he will be too.
Two of my favorite sayings:
Let go or be dragged.
Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
But just because I did the right thing, didn't mean that it wasn't painful for me. That's when my Alanon meetings and friends really helped to support me - so that I didn't cave in.
Sounds to me like you are recovering from "your part of the disease" - and hopefully he will be too.
Two of my favorite sayings:
Let go or be dragged.
Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Yup! You done good...
I might have not given him the $40 but other than that - YES, addicts understand consequences and rules that are consistent even though we/they (I'm in recover for a number of years, and also the mom of a crack head) may rage against and try hard to manipulate them.
I might have not given him the $40 but other than that - YES, addicts understand consequences and rules that are consistent even though we/they (I'm in recover for a number of years, and also the mom of a crack head) may rage against and try hard to manipulate them.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
