tjp613

I don't know if this was the right thing to do or not, but I did call my son today and let him know if he found a halfway house that I would help him pay the rent...so that he wouldn't feel I had totally abandoned him.

I told him long ago that I would support him in recovery and wanted to reassure him that it was still true.

He sounded OK. He wasn't rude or angry with me...just kind of sad. He's been staying with his girlfriends family. Hopefully they won't enable him for very long.

His birthday is Tuesday. Not quite sure how to handle that. Help?

Hurtbad2505

From one Mom to another...I see nothing wrong in letting your son know that you are still on board with supporting him if he wants recovery. We love the addict and hate the addiction and our kids should know that in my opinion. Addicts or not, they are still our children and should always know we love them. There comes a time where we have to look at our own lives and what we do with the time we have. As long as they know we are there for them if they choose LIFE, we are doing all we can do.

God Bless and keep you and your son in his care...

cherrie1

tjp613

You did the right thing. I am in a similar position. Right now my son is in jail awaiting sentencing. We were so hurt and angry at this last relapse and all the lies. We have always been there to clean up his messes thinking that was helping. This last time we told him we will support him emotionally but will no longer support his addiction. However we will help him pay for sober living when the time comes. I see nothing wrong in helping him do the right thing. I told him you choose your family or your drugs you can't have both.

teke

for his birthday, if you want to,what about a nice card or anything that he won't be able to exchange for drugs.

Impurrfect

(((Cherrie1)))

Welcome to SR! I'm sorry you're here!

You may have already done it (I'm a little distracted today) but you may want to start a new thread, introducing yourself and letting us get to know you. We won't bite, I promise

Just click on the "new thread" button at the top left.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but there are a lot of people here who know just what you are going through and have a lot of ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) to help you get through all this.

I'm a recovering addict and I stayed away from my dad and stepmom for the greater part of 2 years. They new the city I lived in but we kept our distance. I know, now, because of what I learned here, that just because they didn't have a front row seat to my addiction and wouldn't even hear from me for months, I put them through hell.

I can tell you that letting an addict face their concequences is the best thing you can do.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

NeedingHelp7

tjp613, There is nothing wrong with boundaries. I too had to kick my 19 yrs old son out last Aug with an OOP also. You did the right thing. Just as Anvil posted.....one day he will love and respect you for it understanding you did it for his own good, and the peace and safety of your home. I know it's difficult right now, try not to worry. Praying the serenity prayer, that HP will take care of it all. Enjoy the peace.

tjp613

Thank you so much everyone -- you know from experience how much it helps to have this kind of support from those who have been there.

I was just thinking earlier what kind of chaos would be reigning in my house today if I didn't have the tools I learned this summer!!! I am immensely grateful that God put me in the right places at the right times and with the right people to learn what I have learned so far. I have a long way to go, but at least I know just to follow the road signs to recovery and I'll be OK. Whether or not my son is, is up to him and God.

Thank you all.

HurtingDad

You are a strong person, doing the right thing for your son. I've also been there, done that. I know the pain it has caused for you, but you set the boundries, he agreed to them and he broke them.

Half-way houses can work well, my son had 9 months of sobriety in one and a good job as a waiter. Wish he could still be there.

Prayers and wishes to you and your family.

lost84

this is the best thing a parent could do. im not sure i could do it.. i know i would HAVE to do it though (dating my exabf for over a year) i see the more supporters they have in their life the more they think they can get away with ANYTHING and they will not make any changed when they think that way.
my ex cocaine/alch abuser bf started at 10ys of age because his wealthy parents were never around, and their non english speaking nannies let them get away with anything. growing up being given money, help, love, bailed out of jail ect the children or adults even wont learn their lesson.. they just think oh whatever, and keep repeating their actions thinking theyll always have their parents or a place to stay ect. i know what you did was hard but GOOD job and hope for the best. it really is the best thing u could do right now

xoox

tjp613

This morning my son called. He was out of gas and slept in his car last night. I met up with him, filled up his tank and brought him a sandwich, some drinks, a few clean clothes (he didn't pack much when he left), his Big Book and $20. He was grateful and seemed greatly relieved to have that pressure lifted, although temporarily. He said he was going back to the place he worked in the spring 'cause he heard they were shorthanded. Then said he would go to the AA club nearby and get some numbers for sober houses. We'll see. I reminded him that he knows what he needs to do, he just has to go DO it. Gave him a good, long hug and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and we said goobye.

My heart literally hurts now. Anxiety, I guess. This SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

Impurrfect

((tjp))

I've told this before, but I don't think you were around. When I was out on the streets, smoking crack, I lived about 2 hours away from dad/stepmom/niece. I never called (spent every cent on crack). My dad would drive down, every few months, he knew the area of the streets I walked (yes, I was a prostitute), and pick me up.

He would go to a drive-thru restaurant, get us some lunch, and we would go to the park and eat lunch. He would then drop me back off at the store I hung out at. I told him, from the get-go, "if you give me money, I will use it to get crack". He still gave me $5 whenever he left.

Most of the times it went well. Some times I was so ashamed, I didn't want to see him. My XABF literally had to drag me out of an abandoned house one time, dad got mad squealed the tires RIGHT IN FRONT of a cop car...cop talked to both of us and let us go, then further down the road I tried to jump out of the truck. Eventually, that visit I calmed down.

It was only after coming to this forum, that I realize how it must have hurt my dad, so much, to leave his only child on the street each time he left me. It still makes me feel really bad that I did that.

He asked me if it meant anything to me that he came down there? Did I care? Oh yeah, HELL YES it meant something to me. I may have been screwed up on drugs, but I knew my dad loved me. More than anything, though, I knew that he had a life he was going back to...my niece was growing up without me.

In my opinion it is never wrong to let your child know you love them. I just think it's even better when you let them know you love them, then you go on with your life...it made me realized the whole world DIDN'T revolved around me, and if I wanted to get back into my family, I'd have to be done with the drugs.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

katie44

You did the right thing absolutely! Took me three rehabs and many broken boundaries until I finally kicked out AS. He is 22 now he has been on his own for 2 years. He is still smoking crack, has committed many frauds. Soon to go to jail. We changed all the codes on our home as he was coming in to steal and pawn our belongings. You are not a crappy mom, you are a mother who loves her son. When we kicked out AS I gave him a food gift certificate and $50.00. Now thinking back he probably used the $50.00 for alcohol or drugs. I often wonder if I had stuck to the boundaries from day 1 wouldthings have ben different. hugs to you!

BigSis

My kids are both still active, and it hurts... a lot.. that I can't make life easier for them. Daughter lives in a camp trailer with no plumbing or water. Son is actually here right now - but only for a bit. He had testicular cancer a couple weeks ago, and we felt now was not the time to enforce the no work/no home rule. But he is finding his own resources through the state for medical and food, and should be able to get to work after the radiation. At that point... we really don't have extra room for him as we are raising his nephews.

I guess what I am saying is that my "rules" are not hard and fast and do have some flexibility in them. We can't predict the future, and cannot know what tomorrow will bring.

You did the right thing. If you get a chance, check out a few open AA meetings - it always good to hear the gratitude of a sober addict or alcoholic who is grateful to the mom or wife or sibling who finally laid down the law and said "no" and meant it.

As far a gifts.... food is always good. I love books on tape, and clothes, especially shoes. If he wants to sell stuff, he will sell it. So I try to remember the rule - true gifts have no strings attached. That means no expectations for certain outcomes...no expectations of gratitude...no expectations of return in kind. A gift is just that. How my kids use the gifts is their choice.

Loving hugs from one mom to another. ((hugs))

tjp613

It's been a week since my son left home (or rather I asked him to leave).

Today is his birthday.

I called and left a message last night asking if he wanted to come home for a birthday dinner or go out somewhere to celebrate his birthday. I was light-hearted in my voice.

He called back about 1/2 hour later and we chatted for awhile. He sounded down, as I would expect. He hasn't found a job, and I'm not sure that he's looking real hard. He made no mention of going to meetings or looking for a sober house. When I asked where he was staying, he said, "Here and there." He did say he found the deadlines and got more info on classes to register for community college, he just needs to pick his classes.

In other words, no real progress is being made. I suspect he is thinking if he just gets registered for school, I'll soften up and let him back in the house, but that's not the case in reality. He's "working it" pretty good but I'm a lot wiser now. Even if he's telling any truth, I don't believe him anymore anyway, nor can I trust that anything has really changed. Nothing looks any different.

I spoke with his dad (we're divorced) and he holds the college fund. We discussed briefly the possibility of paying $500-750/month out of his fund to pay for room/board, meaning he'd be on his own in an apt. and trying to make a go of school. He'd have to get a job to make up any difference. If/when he fails school, then that plug gets pulled.

Does that sound reasonable to you guys? Or should I just let him flounder?
The only other option I have (as I see it) is to make the college funds available ONLY if he's living in a sober house. That's the only way I can "control" his using...although I feel that's doomed to fail.

He also mentioned to his dad that he might go to another town to live with a friend and thinks he can get a job. That would definitely NOT be a good choice... I know the friend. He could get a job here if he tried. We live in a huge city and all the kids are going back to school now.

Any advice, sage ones?

Thanks.

laurie6781

This is the "GLITCH" You CAN NOT control his using.

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

All you can do is stick by the boundary you already set. Please do NOT offer an apartment.

Yes, he is manipulating. If the subject comes up, tell him that Salvation Army has a program (it's free) and a good one, that he can check out. Sad to say, all the treatment programs in the world won't help him UNTIL he is ready and WANTS recovery more than he wants to use.

It is very hard when the A is our spouse or SO. but even harder when it is our child. I can tell you that the best thing my folks ever did for me was to TOTALLY shut the door on me. I put them through hell and when I was 33 1/2 they finally for their own sanity said NO MORE It still took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery. I said my only regret was that they hadn't done it YEARS before they did.

By not 'enabling', not touching the college fund, allowing him to make his own mistakes, his college fund will still be there when he is ready for college. Right now, whether he goes to a sober living house or not, I don't believe he will be ready to start this semester.

Now is the time for you to step back and watch his ACTIONS, and put cotton in your ears so the QUACKING isn't too loud.

J M H O

I am sorry you are going through this. Plelase know tht we are walking with you in spirit if not in reality.

Love and hugs,

tjp613

Okay then. That all makes sense and is what my gut was telling me I needed to do. I'm so very frightened to really let go. He is bi-polar and it's crucial that he take his meds. I don't think it would take much for him to blow those off completely (esp. with no money) and then he would be very high risk for suicide with all this drama going on. Just an explosive situation ahead.

As I said -- today is his birthday, too. I'm seriously thinking of telling him that I"m sorry, but it would just be too hard for me to see him today. I just feel turned inside-out and don't trust myself around him right now. Too vulnerable.

I feel like a horrible mother....but intillectually I know I'm not. It's just the way it FEELS.


Thank ya'll so much for hanging with me.

outtolunch

No doubt he is at higher risk of getting killed if he continues his lifestyle, especially driving while under the influence.

My daughter has more diagnosis than you can shake a stick at, including ADD, Bipolar and Scizoaffective disorder. We had been told that she would require lifetime medication to function.

MDs refused to continue prescribing her meds when she had relapsed, last summer. I fully expected her to end up in a Mc Donalds talking to garbage cans. Instead, she functions. She went cold turkey and was clean for awhile and then relapsed again. Another cold turkey and she is once again, functioning and working 2 PT jobs.

I am not an advocate of early diagnosis in most young people. Immaturity, emotions and other substances cause many to fit the criteria and from a medical standpoint, require medications.

When I look back, it seems to me that she learned she was able to alter her moods ( as opposed to coping with life's ups and downs) with prescription medications and then sought other drugs to do so.

tjp613

Outtolunch - thanks for that. Yeah, there's a part of me that agrees with you, but not having any experience on the 'other side' I'm still nervous. My ex has a whole laundry list of mental disorders on his side of the family.

I'll just hand that over to God, too! Thanks for your perspective.

laurie6781

(((((TJP)))))

In 1972 I was diagnosed as manic depressive/schizophrenic and continued to drink and use street drugs (self medicating, lol) and not take psych meds. I didn't get sober until 1981.

I was re-diagnosed as Bi Polar in 1990 at 9 years of sobriety. I am 64 now, do take meds for my Bi polar.

I am very leery of a young person who has been using being diagnosed as Bi Polar. The disease/affliction of addiction can 'mimic' so many other mental illnesses that I am just very suspicious until a person has been sober and clean for a while. Not saying he isn't or is Bi Polar, just leery at this point.

As to not seeing him today, if that will make YOU more comfortable then so be it. He is starting to feel some of the consequences of HIS actions. If that means no birthday acknowledgement and no gifts, oh well. His actions, his consequences.

This is YOU we are talking about not him. YOU need to do for you. He will figure things out eventually ........................ and it will actually mean something to him rather than if he were enabled. When he gets 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' is when he will WANT recovery.

Again, please remember we are walking with you.

Prayes going out for you and your son.

Love and hugs,

tjp613

Yeah, I was hoping when he had his psych evaluation at rehab that they would try to wean him off of his meds, but they didn't -- and I just trusted them to know what's right. And that's true -- if he's using street drugs he shouldn't be on the Rx's anyway.

Agreed. As a matter of fact, never one time has the child ever given me a gift or birthday card (or mother's day, or Christmas, ...) unless he was physically dragged out by some other family member to do it. I wonder if he'll think of that today? I doubt it.

Yep, I keep forgetting that part! Funny how that is.

Thanks again for everything. I am so lucky to be here. Thank you for your time. (((Hugs)))