Where's The Serenity?!?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 59
Where's The Serenity?!?
I need to vent.. and I need feedback...
I feel like I'm doing everything I can to help myself find some serenity:
1. Finally left my addict (ex-fiance)
2. Got a job across the country, 2500 miles away from him
3. Not giving him any money
4. Going to church, saying my prayers, reestabilishing a spiritual center
5. Trying to rediscover who I am with positive activities and not bending to crazy-making, etc..
But I'm really wound-up today because (through the grapevine) I've heard that my addict is making so many stupid choices in his life. I'm trying not to think about it, but the more I try NOT thinking about it-- I think about it. His problems have nothing to do with me. His self-created disasters have nothing to do with me. His crazy-making is not mine to control or clean-up....
...And yet, I am completely DUMBFOUNDED with how complicated he's making his life with stupid choices. Really dumb choices that could land him back in prision on "habitual criminal" charges for 5-20 years. His complete lack of attention to these issues has me really sickened, sad, and hopeless for him. I don't want him back, nor in my life. But this is a man I loved, pitied, and cared about. I would feel the same way for a dog that is deemed "un-trainable" and cannot find a new owner at the pound. He just hasn't learned a damn thing from his past/mistakes, is making new mistakes, and is sealing his fate.
As a human being, he was smart enough to figure out how to get drugs, manipulate people, and figure out how to get what he needed to survive his druggie life. I rationally know that he's smart-enough to "do the right thing" to fix things and make his life better. I just cannot fathom why he is creating more and more chaos to add to his own sorrow and contribute to catastrophic consequences. Baffling disease.
Beyond my vent, I welcome any advice on what to do to help me re-focus on MYSELF and let go of this worry I have for him. I so sick of worring about him and his BS. He's not even in my life, and I'm worried. What coping-techniques do you reccomend to combat this?
Thanks..
I feel like I'm doing everything I can to help myself find some serenity:
1. Finally left my addict (ex-fiance)
2. Got a job across the country, 2500 miles away from him
3. Not giving him any money
4. Going to church, saying my prayers, reestabilishing a spiritual center
5. Trying to rediscover who I am with positive activities and not bending to crazy-making, etc..
But I'm really wound-up today because (through the grapevine) I've heard that my addict is making so many stupid choices in his life. I'm trying not to think about it, but the more I try NOT thinking about it-- I think about it. His problems have nothing to do with me. His self-created disasters have nothing to do with me. His crazy-making is not mine to control or clean-up....
...And yet, I am completely DUMBFOUNDED with how complicated he's making his life with stupid choices. Really dumb choices that could land him back in prision on "habitual criminal" charges for 5-20 years. His complete lack of attention to these issues has me really sickened, sad, and hopeless for him. I don't want him back, nor in my life. But this is a man I loved, pitied, and cared about. I would feel the same way for a dog that is deemed "un-trainable" and cannot find a new owner at the pound. He just hasn't learned a damn thing from his past/mistakes, is making new mistakes, and is sealing his fate.
As a human being, he was smart enough to figure out how to get drugs, manipulate people, and figure out how to get what he needed to survive his druggie life. I rationally know that he's smart-enough to "do the right thing" to fix things and make his life better. I just cannot fathom why he is creating more and more chaos to add to his own sorrow and contribute to catastrophic consequences. Baffling disease.
Beyond my vent, I welcome any advice on what to do to help me re-focus on MYSELF and let go of this worry I have for him. I so sick of worring about him and his BS. He's not even in my life, and I'm worried. What coping-techniques do you reccomend to combat this?
Thanks..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by suchAsucker 
I need to vent.. and I need feedback...
I feel like I'm doing everything I can to help myself find some serenity:
1. Finally left my addict (ex-fiance)
2. Got a job across the country, 2500 miles away from him
3. Not giving him any money
4. Going to church, saying my prayers, reestabilishing a spiritual center
5. Trying to rediscover who I am with positive activities and not bending to crazy-making, etc..
But I'm really wound-up today because (through the grapevine) I've heard that my addict is making so many stupid choices in his life.
Ask yourself, can I control these stupid choices that he's making? The answer is always NO. Also, is the grapevine healthy for you at this time? You may need to get those shears out and cut it. LOL.
I'm trying not to think about it, but the more I try NOT thinking about it-- I think about it. His problems have nothing to do with me. His self-created disasters have nothing to do with me. His crazy-making is not mine to control or clean-up....
Exactly
...And yet, I am completely DUMBFOUNDED with how complicated he's making his life with stupid choices. Really dumb choices that could land him back in prision on "habitual criminal" charges for 5-20 years. His complete lack of attention to these issues has me really sickened, sad, and hopeless for him. I don't want him back, nor in my life. But this is a man I loved, pitied, and cared about. I would feel the same way for a dog that is deemed "un-trainable" and cannot find a new owner at the pound. He just hasn't learned a damn thing from his past/mistakes, is making new mistakes, and is sealing his fate.
This simply translates to he's not ready for recovery yet. Some rational people, who aren't using, get this concept of responsibility and making good choices. Heck, even some people who aren't using make bad choices. He lacks the skills and tools to live in recovery. He will continue with the same STUPID and DUMB choices until he makes one ultimate choice and that's to stay sober.
As a human being, he was smart enough to figure out how to get drugs, manipulate people, and figure out how to get what he needed to survive his druggie life. I rationally know that he's smart-enough to "do the right thing" to fix things and make his life better.
But he doesn't want to right now. Doing the right thing is scary for some people. For some people, getting high is easier than dealing with all the work in recovery.
I just cannot fathom why he is creating more and more chaos to add to his own sorrow and contribute to catastrophic consequences. Baffling disease.
This is addiction. You're right a baffling disease.
Beyond my vent, I welcome any advice on what to do to help me re-focus on MYSELF and let go of this worry I have for him. I so sick of worring about him and his BS. He's not even in my life, and I'm worried. What coping-techniques do you reccomend to combat this?
Thanks..
I feel like I'm doing everything I can to help myself find some serenity:
1. Finally left my addict (ex-fiance)
2. Got a job across the country, 2500 miles away from him
3. Not giving him any money
4. Going to church, saying my prayers, reestabilishing a spiritual center
5. Trying to rediscover who I am with positive activities and not bending to crazy-making, etc..
But I'm really wound-up today because (through the grapevine) I've heard that my addict is making so many stupid choices in his life.
Ask yourself, can I control these stupid choices that he's making? The answer is always NO. Also, is the grapevine healthy for you at this time? You may need to get those shears out and cut it. LOL.
I'm trying not to think about it, but the more I try NOT thinking about it-- I think about it. His problems have nothing to do with me. His self-created disasters have nothing to do with me. His crazy-making is not mine to control or clean-up....
Exactly
...And yet, I am completely DUMBFOUNDED with how complicated he's making his life with stupid choices. Really dumb choices that could land him back in prision on "habitual criminal" charges for 5-20 years. His complete lack of attention to these issues has me really sickened, sad, and hopeless for him. I don't want him back, nor in my life. But this is a man I loved, pitied, and cared about. I would feel the same way for a dog that is deemed "un-trainable" and cannot find a new owner at the pound. He just hasn't learned a damn thing from his past/mistakes, is making new mistakes, and is sealing his fate.
This simply translates to he's not ready for recovery yet. Some rational people, who aren't using, get this concept of responsibility and making good choices. Heck, even some people who aren't using make bad choices. He lacks the skills and tools to live in recovery. He will continue with the same STUPID and DUMB choices until he makes one ultimate choice and that's to stay sober.
As a human being, he was smart enough to figure out how to get drugs, manipulate people, and figure out how to get what he needed to survive his druggie life. I rationally know that he's smart-enough to "do the right thing" to fix things and make his life better.
But he doesn't want to right now. Doing the right thing is scary for some people. For some people, getting high is easier than dealing with all the work in recovery.
I just cannot fathom why he is creating more and more chaos to add to his own sorrow and contribute to catastrophic consequences. Baffling disease.
This is addiction. You're right a baffling disease.
Beyond my vent, I welcome any advice on what to do to help me re-focus on MYSELF and let go of this worry I have for him. I so sick of worring about him and his BS. He's not even in my life, and I'm worried. What coping-techniques do you reccomend to combat this?
Thanks..
There are so many other things you can do for yourself (get a massage, pedicure, listen to music, read a book, rent a movie, hang out with a friend (who won't talk about him), go dancing, the list goes on.
Hope you find peace. You deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I agree, knowledge of his F-ups is affecting you, so cut the cord. You have done a lot of positive things in getting away from him and re-establishing your life. Do one more and cut the info grapevine.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
we have an addiction to relationships/people and hearing news of your ex sounds like it is triggering an emotional relapse in you. These unmanageable feelings give you an opportunity to take a look at what you need to do differently to protect yourself from getting derailed.
It sounds like you are doing a great job in distancing yourself from him - it just needs to be a little bit more. Addiction will never make sense because it doesn't make sense. Addicts are in an altered state of consciousness and their brain wiring is skewed. Even if they are not high.
I hope that you have a quick return to serenity and are able to put better boundaries in place that protect your serenity,
It sounds like you are doing a great job in distancing yourself from him - it just needs to be a little bit more. Addiction will never make sense because it doesn't make sense. Addicts are in an altered state of consciousness and their brain wiring is skewed. Even if they are not high.
I hope that you have a quick return to serenity and are able to put better boundaries in place that protect your serenity,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
(((((suchasucker))) i am sorry. i do know what u r going thur. my son is pulling 7-9 right now, habitual felon. honey, they r going to do as they want to. let him go. i know it is hard to do. it takes pratice. i love & miss my son so much but it would b worse if i had not let him go while he was on the streets. you have moved away. get on with your new life. there is so much bettert out there for you & you deserve it. prayers for u both,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I was going to add what Lightseeker already said, this kind of news is a huge trigger that takes us back emotionally to where we used to be.
Triggers are very real and cannot be seen coming, but once we recognize them we can avoid what sets them off.
A very wise counselor I had once, a psychiatrist whose specialty was addictions and related mental illnesses, gave an analogy once about driving down a street and passing the home we grew up in. If it was a happy home with warm memories, we would feel good seeing it again because all those warm feelings would surface. If it was an unhappy home or a home of abuse, we would break into a sweat and feel sick and scared. It may last for days and is very hard to shake when this happens.
The point is, we don't control how our body and mind responds to "triggers", the response is entirely out of our control. But we can stop driving down that street if the trigger was negative and left us scared or unhappy.
That's a good reason to sever all contact, not just with him but with anyone who passes information to you about him. Yes, he is making bad choices and that makes you sick because this is a person you once loved. But you can stop driving down that street, it never leads to any place good.
Hope this makes some kind of sense and helps just a little. And know that you and he remain in my prayers.
Hugs
Triggers are very real and cannot be seen coming, but once we recognize them we can avoid what sets them off.
A very wise counselor I had once, a psychiatrist whose specialty was addictions and related mental illnesses, gave an analogy once about driving down a street and passing the home we grew up in. If it was a happy home with warm memories, we would feel good seeing it again because all those warm feelings would surface. If it was an unhappy home or a home of abuse, we would break into a sweat and feel sick and scared. It may last for days and is very hard to shake when this happens.
The point is, we don't control how our body and mind responds to "triggers", the response is entirely out of our control. But we can stop driving down that street if the trigger was negative and left us scared or unhappy.
That's a good reason to sever all contact, not just with him but with anyone who passes information to you about him. Yes, he is making bad choices and that makes you sick because this is a person you once loved. But you can stop driving down that street, it never leads to any place good.
Hope this makes some kind of sense and helps just a little. And know that you and he remain in my prayers.
Hugs
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