Hudstar

Today was looking so good. Certainly better than the last few which have been the kind of alcoholic stew of shame, misery and sickness we all know so well. I'd missed a day of work yesterday due to the physical and mental shitstorm that occurs after 3 days of heavy, private bingeing. I felt so sick in the morning I sent a pathetic email to work and staggered to the shop for headache pills and then suddenly felt at a loss for what to do with an empty day ahead. I brought a bottle of wine with barely a second thought.

When the fog began to lift later that evening it was almost too late to go to the shop for the night time's bottle/s and I resigned myself to the knowledge that I was too feeble and weary to go through with it anyway. In spite of the drinking much earlier in the day, I felt the small, bitter sweet satisfaction of knowing that this was the most sober I'd gone to bed in weeks.

It was a feeling that lasted with me well into today. With just that slight reprieve from the usual daily hangover (not to say I felt well, just... less awful. You know) I actually met the challenges with something close to capability, something I haven't felt for far too long. By the middle of the day I knew, just knew that I would be going to an AA meeting tonight. I was looking forward to it even.

And I was telling myself all day that, just for today, I will embrace the AA message of 'one day at a time' and go to bed sober, enabled by the first day in a long time that I had engaged with successfully, and by the strength I knew I would draw from that meeting.

So I made it tonight, my fifth meeting so far, and I even knew some of the faces, and I really honestly enjoyed it even if some of it was quite challenging. Buoyed by the spirit of the meeting I even hung around for a while and relaxed with these new friends. But then a creeping anxiety sneaked in behind my confidence and a voice seemed to whisper, "yeah well, this is great and all but you're still going to have a drink tonight". Once it spoke I knew, just knew, with the same certainty that I knew earlier that I was going to the meeting, that I would get home and drink. I said goodbye and with a heavy heart I walked back to my car.

And now I'm here, with a bottle beside me, wondering how it all went so wrong. If I'm incapable of going one day without, even after an inspiring day like today, then how can I ever hope to make it properly?

I needed today, no matter how it ended, but I am sad it's ended the way it has.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share, SR. I told myself that if I did nothing else today then at least I'd post my thoughts here.

Peace.

Rich

P.S. I'll leave you with this thought which is a new thought and is the only thing that keeps me going nowadays: "Sobriety is coming".

Astro

Rich, please let it come before alcoholism kills you. You know what the end result is if you keep sticking your hand on a hot stove, right? You'll get burned every time.

Iamscared

But, you are back here.

Always come back here, whether you fail or succeed, always come back and look at the thousands of other posts.

For me, it helps a lot.

Thank you people of SR.

NEOMARXIST

Hi Rich. Thanks for your post. I always enjoy reading your posts. Theres an honesty to them which I very much admire.
A fantastic title as well mate!! Very poignant.

I believe you sound like you are making progress, undoubtably. You sound like you are heading in the right direction and making positive steps forward, like you say "sobriety is coming".
Thats exactly how I felt when I would drunkardly slur and try to explain to associates that my drinking was coming to an end and that I could feel myself getting there slowly but surely after every binge, they simply couldn't understand what I was feeling. I had to beat myself into submission where I reached the point where I felt like I couldn't beat myself mentally/emotionally/physically any lower really without something really, really bad happening. I basically realised that I have to get out now while I still can and while I still have a life to get out for.

Once I reached this point I found that when thoughts of drinking entered my mind I made the decision to drink a can of Coca-cola, eat some ice-cream, eat a curry, drink some fruit juice. You will be amazed that when you have done this then the desire to drink has pretty much gone for that moment. I would then post on here about it. I find that helps. I also attend AA meetings when I feel I need the face to face element they bring and have taken certain principles of the steps (Mainly step 1) and worked them myself and find my outlook on drinking has now changed to what it was previously.

I admitted to myself categorically that I am an alcoholic and that drinking is not an option for me. Period. As long as I always keep referring back to this then there is no room for manoevre and I find the mental anguish has disapeared to a large extent.
I think the "one day at a time" philosophy also helps me greatly as I got through a 2 week period in which previously I always drank and had nobody but myself to answer to. Drinking was not an option anymore to me and thus I didn't drink. I am 5 weeks sober in 25 minutes!

Don't give up hope. All the best. x

NewBeginning010

Hi Hudstar,

Good on you for posting your challenges

You don't have to listen to that "voice" tell that voice something else or put in a different tape as they say. Drive by that liquor store & see what it feels like, tell yourself that you might go later but that you are going to try not to.

Do anything & say anything to yourself not to pick up. Do you have a good list together of why you are quitting? It might be good if you did so you could pull it out before you go into the shop (in your wallet is also good).

So sorry to hear that you are struggling with this sickness, it is a horrible feeling to live with. Give it a real fight this time out ok? Its worth it I promise you.

Take Care,

NB

TimeNow

Hi Rich, dont give up on yourself. No matter what, I am with you now. This is my second day sober after relapse. Just one day, just one day ...try it.

MycoolFitz

Actually, you're not incapable. We are powerless over alcohol once we pick up but we're not powerless over not picking up. You've practiced the former for years but not the latter. It may take some time but you're nuerobiologically capable of sobriety. Feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, defeat, hopelessness, etc., only flame the fuel of your addiction. Take all that negative energy and mold it into a vision o0f the sober person you want to be. For me, one day at a time is too long, try one moment at a time or one breath at a time. If you're sober this moment, you're always sober this moment. Keep in this moment, moment by moment. Keep present, it works. All my best--M

FightingIrish

I met many folks in A.A. with long-term sobriety who share about being right where you are now. A lot of them went to A.A. meetings while still drinking. In fact, I believe this was more common than it is today because of treatment centers. Why don't you unburden yourself by sharing about this very thing at the next meeting you attend? Keep sharing and being honest.

Hudstar

Thanks Irish. That's raised a question I've been meaning to ask. Is it ok to share at meetings if you're in active addiction? I mean, how can it be ok to say 'Um, life is awful at the moment and I'm drinking this, doing that"? I can't imagine that's helpful for others to hear.

Iamscared

Good question, Hudstar, I have wondered the same.

I don't intend to attend AA meetings in the UK as I am still drinking, so I feel I would let down the group - and I don't want to be responsible for someone else's relapse.

Astro

AA's 3rd Tradition reads "The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking". We want you to achieve sobriety, but it's not a requirement to attend a meeting.

NEOMARXIST

The last AA meeting I attended a bloke 2 seats away had a really severe alcoholic fit and nearly died. Really shook everyone in the room up and reminded us all of what drinking can do to us. I took it as being a 'sign' and the image has stuck with me profoundly.

I shared at that meeting how I had just come off a massive 3 day drink/drug binge and broke down in tears during my share. I have shared at everyone of the 12 AA meetings I have attended and I share where I have been at; so that includes going back out drinking again and the sh*t inevitably hitting the fan worse than the last time.
There have been various people at the meetings who have been completely out of it through drink. One bloke springs to mind who was histerically crying and being comforted by fellow members and was passed out for the follow 1.5 hours of the meeting.

I think that witnessing people who are still drinking helps as without being disrespectfull it reminds people of how they don't want to be where you are currently at.
Thats my experience from the AA meetings I have attended.

Anna

Rich,

I'm glad you felt inspired at your AA meeting. One of the reasons I come here, is because I'm inspired daily. But, ultimately, it comes down to you deciding that you are worth stay sober for. Believe that you are worth the work it takes to recover.

Freedom1990

If you had that kind of power over someone, to be responsible for their relapse, you would certainly have the power over your alcoholism to stop drinking at this moment.

We can come up with all kinds of excuses not to attend a meeting.

My God, if no one went to AA until they were sober first, I'd imagine a great many would be 6' under before they made that first meeting, no?

Iamscared

When you put it like that, thanks dude.

tallcactus

"yeah well, this is great and all but you're still going to have a drink tonight". Once it spoke I knew, just knew, with the same certainty that I knew earlier that I was going to the meeting, that I would get home and drink. I said goodbye and with a heavy heart I walked back to my car"

I mention this before and I'll state this again, that "voice," that demon straight from hell Tempts and Destroys! He spoke earlier, I want to kill him we are fighting tonight., he wants me and loves for me to take that beer in, forget it, Sober today.

CarolD

Yes....you too can stop and stay stopped.

Many of us had false starts on our way
to healthy sober lifestyles.

SomeCallMeTim

Ok, you're going to meetings. A good start but far from the end all be all. Do you have a phone list from the meeting? Do you have a sponsor? Do you have a Big Book to read? This will take effort, but if you put as much effort into seeking help to get better as you did into your drinking the results will come. Pick up the phone when you have urges. The disease of addiction is 2 fold. An allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind. The allergy part is pretty self explanatory, the obsession part not so much. The addicted mind does not function the same as the non addicted mind. This disease speaks to us, literally. We need to learn how to react to this in a different way than we normally do, which is to drink or use drugs. We need to learn that we can't do this alone and we need to ask for help. This means getting a sponsor and USING them. Get more than 1 if needed. Use that phone. Use the book. Letting the disease talk us into going back to the usual actions will kill us. :praying