Hi Rich. Thanks for your post. I always enjoy reading your posts. Theres an honesty to them which I very much admire.
A fantastic title as well mate!! Very poignant.
I believe you sound like you are making progress, undoubtably. You sound like you are heading in the right direction and making positive steps forward, like you say "sobriety is coming".
Thats exactly how I felt when I would drunkardly slur and try to explain to associates that my drinking was coming to an end and that I could feel myself getting there slowly but surely after every binge, they simply couldn't understand what I was feeling. I had to beat myself into submission where I reached the point where I felt like I couldn't beat myself mentally/emotionally/physically any lower really without something really, really bad happening. I basically realised that I have to get out now while I still can and while I still have a life to get out for.
Once I reached this point I found that when thoughts of drinking entered my mind I made the decision to drink a can of Coca-cola, eat some ice-cream, eat a curry, drink some fruit juice. You will be amazed that when you have done this then the desire to drink has pretty much gone for that moment. I would then post on here about it. I find that helps. I also attend AA meetings when I feel I need the face to face element they bring and have taken certain principles of the steps (Mainly step 1) and worked them myself and find my outlook on drinking has now changed to what it was previously.
I admitted to myself categorically that I am an alcoholic and that drinking is not an option for me. Period. As long as I always keep referring back to this then there is no room for manoevre and I find the mental anguish has disapeared to a large extent.
I think the "one day at a time" philosophy also helps me greatly as I got through a 2 week period in which previously I always drank and had nobody but myself to answer to. Drinking was not an option anymore to me and thus I didn't drink. I am 5 weeks sober in 25 minutes!
Don't give up hope. All the best. x