insearchofalife

So I'm kinda new to all this. My drug of choice is plain old benadryl, generally around 500-750 mg/day for the past seven years. I don't take it to sleep, just for it's ability to stop my mind from thinking. It was originally for sleeping. I also take Trazadone to help me sleep, but I don't have a problem with that one. Ironic isn't is? The one that has more of a tendency to be addictive is the one I don't feel compelled to take very often. Thus far I've been able to keep it to myself, I don't think anyone knows and to be honest I don't want them to. Though if they knew it would all make sense in retrospect. I can tell the difference. I was never very outgoing, not many friends and have never been in a relationship, so no ones puts any emphasis on my behavior. Pathetic, I know. I've tried to stop a couple of times but after about four days, I can't handle the sickness anymore. Or maybe that's just my excuse. They say a person can't quit unless they want to, which I do, but not enough to stop taking it. How do you pass that step without being physically tied down? I don't have insurance so I can't go anywhere to help, that and I don't really have any excuse as to where I'd be going.

This next part, I'm just looking for some advice from anyone who may have gone through a similar situation. I was sexually abused growing up by I don't know how many different people. I swear they can smell it on you, it's like I have victim tatooed on my forehead. That's why I can't get close to people, I've basically lost my emotions, I don't understand relationships. Very empathic though. Sorry that part isn't what this site is about, but it plays a role in why I am the way I am. So I guess my question is has anyone had to deal with something like this and how did you get started? You can't fix one without the other but it doesn't even seem possible to me to be able to get close with others, so how can you quit?

Sorry if I rambled a bit. The only time I can talk about this or look up information about quiting is when I'm drugged up, which makes me a bit incoherent at times. It's now starting to wear off and if I don't stop and post this I will delete it.

DSoT4Ever

I think that if you have consistantly used a drug for that long of a time, it has manifested some type of addiction. Welcome to the forum, by the way. We are here for you. Do you feel comfortable with therapy? I went to meetings for drugs but much more group therapy for my brain injury which helped me alot. Definitely some value in it. I'll be praying for you and rooting for you.

Stagebear

In my humble experience, one has to want to quit more than they want to use. There is no other way. Even an iota more is enough.

Sure wish I had a magic bullet for this one. I used to think my drug use was tied to an episode of abuse in my childhood. Turned out I was holding onto it as one excuse (out of many) to use. The closest I have ever gotten to people has been in the rooms of AA/NA, and not because it's some magical place. I simply allowed myself to trust that they had nothing to gain by abusing my trust.

tommyk

Maybe talk to some people in the NA program.

Keep coming back.

Nallabelle

Im so sorry that you are struggling and also about your childhood. So unfair. I am a mother myself to two really young girls and I worry about those things myself.
Maybe your addiction is related to that, maybe not. Still, it obviously BOTHERS you enough to come on here and so my guess is that you need an outlet and therapy.
What it seems you used the benadryl for could have been replaced by a good anti-depressant or non-addictive anti-anxiety med. You mentioned not having insurance. I totally understand but I would seriously cosider getting some insurance or doing some work to find low cost help. Seeing a therapist (and possibly a psychiatrist for meds) will help you if you let it. Please keep posting.

Sugah

There was a time in my life where I was would have used your very words -- that I had "victim" tattooed on my forehead. I thought something had to be wrong with me to attract so much inappropriate attention. I was in therapy for years, using all the while, never getting any better. At a point in my recovery, when I was in the midst of my step work, I realized something very disturbing. Though the abuse was in my long-ago past, I held onto it because "victim" was an identity that I'd become very comfortable with. I was afraid if I surrendered it, there'd be nothing left of me. I'd cease to be "special." It was pretty twisted thinking. I became involved with a women's group and learned that I was only a victim if I kept giving myself to the past. I could be a survivor instead, and I could help others find their way to that place.

That's my experience. First, I had to get sober, then I could deal with and move beyond the past. I tried but couldn't make it work the other way around. If you haven't already sought therapy, I urge you to do so -- and be honest about chemically altering your emotions.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

lifeline24

you are not rambling... that is what this site is here for - to listen and support. please continue to come back. i cant really relate to what you're specifically dealing with but i know the pain that addiction causes. you are not alone.

Faerie

Hi Search, I used to go around with 'victim' tattooed on my forehead too. Now I have the word 'Survivor' tattooed on my heart. I'm a rape survivor 3 times over, I was 15 the first time, 27 the last time [it happened last Monday] so I understand the pain of sexual crime. I have a codeine addiction, I abuse it because it helps numb the emotional pain. I'm working on weaning myself off now.

You have taken the first step, you have found SR, I will follow your thread and offer you all the love and support I can my friend,

Much love,

krisgrace

I to have a simuliar past and got addicted to pain pills to numb the pain. I also have sever mood swings and depression and have been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety. I see a counselor and a Pysc. I finally came clean and told my counselor about my addiction and she wants me to see my pysc tomorrow so we can get me on different meds to get off the pills and get me in an out patient re hab and some NA meetings. You have to get some help. Trust me you cannot not do it alone. I have tried for months now..... Good Luck to you!