Newbie with questions
So I'm kinda new to all this. My drug of choice is plain old benadryl, generally around 500-750 mg/day for the past seven years. I don't take it to sleep, just for it's ability to stop my mind from thinking. It was originally for sleeping. I also take Trazadone to help me sleep, but I don't have a problem with that one. Ironic isn't is? The one that has more of a tendency to be addictive is the one I don't feel compelled to take very often. Thus far I've been able to keep it to myself, I don't think anyone knows and to be honest I don't want them to. Though if they knew it would all make sense in retrospect. I can tell the difference. I was never very outgoing, not many friends and have never been in a relationship, so no ones puts any emphasis on my behavior. Pathetic, I know. I've tried to stop a couple of times but after about four days, I can't handle the sickness anymore. Or maybe that's just my excuse. They say a person can't quit unless they want to, which I do, but not enough to stop taking it. How do you pass that step without being physically tied down? I don't have insurance so I can't go anywhere to help, that and I don't really have any excuse as to where I'd be going.
This next part, I'm just looking for some advice from anyone who may have gone through a similar situation. I was sexually abused growing up by I don't know how many different people. I swear they can smell it on you, it's like I have victim tatooed on my forehead. That's why I can't get close to people, I've basically lost my emotions, I don't understand relationships. Very empathic though. Sorry that part isn't what this site is about, but it plays a role in why I am the way I am. So I guess my question is has anyone had to deal with something like this and how did you get started? You can't fix one without the other but it doesn't even seem possible to me to be able to get close with others, so how can you quit?
Sorry if I rambled a bit. The only time I can talk about this or look up information about quiting is when I'm drugged up, which makes me a bit incoherent at times. It's now starting to wear off and if I don't stop and post this I will delete it.