lauraandersen4

There are many things that I have learned during my short time at this forum already. Most importantly, I learned that people with a drinking problem are not necessarily people who scream I NEED ALCOHOL at every second of the day.

I have to admit, my attempts to "cut down" on drinking within the past month have been half-hearted. I used this forum primarily because I was starting to get concerned with my habits and wanted some more information. Finally, I think I may be starting to get it. Whether on my part it is loss of self control while drinking or a compulsion... I don't know, but what I do know is this.

I didn't realize how much I missed it or how much I thought about it until it was gone... then yesterday, a problem that hits me a LOT, well, pretty much every time I have had a drink within the past 2-3 years.

I brought 2 bottles of wine with me over to a friends house. I had the thought that this would be the last night where I would drink at least for awhile, at least until I got a grasp on it all. My friend poured me a drink and I took it, within 5 minutes I was on the next. A little later, I had more with dinner, and a refill. We went out to sit on the patio after and I had another glass. Then I started getting privately upset because I felt rude getting the drinks myself but I was running out. I used the bathroom and an excuse...to bring back some more.

This morning, I woke up with minor burns on my fingers from lighting fireworks from their firepit. I didn't feel it when it was happening and they all just kept wondering how I managed to stick my fingers so close to the flame.

The buzz makes me feel so good... I'm so much more fun to be around at least in my head... but its seems since I have tried (although not as hard as I should have) to cut down for a bit, I started missing it more and losing control of it more. I just don't want to be "that girl"

Thanks for helping me see the problem with all of this though other posts on the forum from people who experienced similar things and actually DID QUIT! Good for you!

suki44883

You can quit too, Laura, if you really want to. Your experiences aren't unique. Most drinkers feel they have more fun and are more fun to be around when they are drinking. Actually, the opposite is true. Once we start drinking, our drinking mind takes over and convinces us of these things and more. Some people are binge drinkers who can go days or weeks without even thinking about drinking and then when they decide to have a drink, they pretty much lose control of how much they drink and for how long. Sounds like maybe you are one of those people. It's good that you are learning about yourself and your drinking problem. I wish you much success if you decide to stop drinking for good. (((HUGS)))

lauraandersen4

Thanks. I don't think about binging...or intend to, it just happens. It happens when I'm out socially... or if I have a drink to relax when I'm alone (which had been going on pretty much every night for at least 3 months before I came to this forum. Once I start going, stopping isn't even a consideration... it didn't even occur to me to get some H2O instead. I didn't realize how common this was.

NEOMARXIST

I know I am Fun to be around when Sober and I am cool person and socialable and very witty and Humorous. So why do I feel the need to drink? Think of the opposite of that and that is me on a bender and thus this is why I hate myself so much cause of the polar opposites of how I am when mixing sober and when mixing drunk and this causes me great pain.

I know I am better to be around sober, maybe a bit quiter but someone decent people would like to know, people say I am just like a crazed addict when drunk as the only thing that matters is more,more,more. Thats why I prefer to drink alone if I know I am drinking. Pretty sad eh?

better off staying sober and being about edgy and nervous around people (it's all in the mid anyway) than being a drunken clown.

NEOMARXIST

Why would you drink H2O, that would weaken the alcohol in bloodstream, I don't even have Ice in my drinks cause it weakens it down!! Mad eh? True Alky.

suki44883

That's the thing, Laura. Most binge drinkers don't think about it or intend to let it get out of hand. It just happens. It happens because once we start drinking, our drinking mind takes over, and yes, it is quite common. While you are drinking, you don't necessarily feel out of control, so your drinking mind tells you that you're fine, so, you have another drink. It's when you wake up and see the damage (in this instance, your fingers) that you realize that yes, you were out of control even though you weren't falling down drunk at the time.

least

You can quit for good, and it will be FOR GOOD, your own good as well as those you love. I'm reminded - again - how powerless I am when I take that first drink. IT controls ME. It always does, and it leaves me so bad off I wonder why I did it again. This time I'm going to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stay sober, starting with regular AA meetings and getting a sponsor. We can't do this alone, but together we can.

You're not alone. Give AA a good try. Maybe start seeing an addiction counselor. Just do whatever it takes to stay sober. We can do this!

happy2balive

:praying for you, :ghug3

I played this way to long...you'll know when your ready to stop playing the game!

Liz

vegibean

Do you think any of us want to be "that girl" or "that guy"? I don't, I still wish I wasn't but I am. I have to take care of myself.

littlefish

I think you are smart to see that a pattern is emerging. Your description of the party you went to sounds all too familiar. I sure see myself in that behavior! Bringing two bottles....hmm, the usual host or hostess gift is one.
Downing a drink in 5 minutes. Normies can nurse a glass of wine for hours.
Finding excuses to bring more wine. Yup. Been there, done that.
Waking up with minor injuries the next morning. Check. Done that countless times.

And, I don't think too many of us ever plan a binge. It always just starts out with that first drink.

Gypsy Feet

you know I was just lightly considering that might I quit drinking the last few years. I was on weight watchers, and thinking about all of those extra calories. I knew in the back of my mind drinking a 6 pack every night to unwind wasn't normal, but I woke up every day, went to work, never drank and drove, never drank during the day. I saw binge drinkers around me (most notably my [ex]) and their stunts made me a little sick. When he would play to close to the fire, I might ask him how he was putting his fingers so close, but in my head I was thinking "what a stupid drunk, he will be burned for sure".

Then ONE night, just one, I had to many jello shots. I got black out drunk and fooled around with a guy I find repulsive, who happened to be married to a dear friend of mine, in a hot tub with other people. My children were home, and they heard the whole messy thing unfold when my friend caught us.

It only took one night to absolutely know I should have quit sooner. As I read the stories of people with small children trying to quit, I get a pang in my gut every single time, because my children all grew up with alcohol as a daily part of their lives.

I am proof that no matter how fervently you believe that there are lines you will not cross , alcohol has its own agenda, and past a certain number of drinks (for many of us that number is 1) alcohol is in control.

I am 6 months sober and I have not felt this level of freedom since I was a child.

exquisitered

The thing to remember is that it's progressive. I'm betting it has gotten a lot worse for you already or you wouldn't have come on this board. No one wants to be an alcoholic or have a drinking problem, or be "that girl/guy". But it sneaks up on you. Your drinking actually reminds me a lot of my own (sorry to say). I too was a binge drinker for most of my life. I drank mostly on the weekends and was able to stay sober during the week so I could work. But when I did drink, I drank until it was gone, or I passed out. I could never just have a few. And I didn't get hangovers, so it didn't seem like that big of a problem. This went on for a lot of years, but it slowly (or at least I didn't see it) got more often. Eventually, I was no longer working and I drank pretty much from the time I woke up til the time I passed out. I had not lost everything yet, but I had lost MYSELF, and I nearly lost my marriage. And I finally realized that I really would end up losing everything if I continued to drink. Years ago, I had went to AA (didn't stay in it) and they told me if I was an alcoholic, it would get worse. Frankly, I didn't believe them. I didn't think I'd ever let it get THAT out of hand... they were right. I just didn't want to listen. I'm just saying all this so that maybe if you notice that it is getting worse you won't wait as long as I did to do something about it.

I too am here if you want to pm me.

Good luck and take care :ghug3

Firehazard

One out of every ten drinkers is a Alcoholic and there is help

otterbearcat

Laura,

In a way, I hate to 'add to the chorus', but yes your story sounds familiar, last August I was sitting by the fire, already had a few glasses of wine, a couple beers, and then I was left alone for about a half an hour by the fire as everyone else was inside, I just kept drinking wine like it was water, finished the bottle, went inside and poured a drink of lemon juice and rum, why? because I had drank all the wine and beer and that was the only alcohol left...

Was totally drunk but thought I was just buzzed, had conversations with my significant other that I didnt remember the next day (I thought everyone blacked-out like I did when they drank) , had a decent hangover the next day.

But I didnt think I had a problem then. It is only after a couple months of not drinking and hearing your story and others like it that I came to realize that I do/did have drinking problem.

My decision to stop drinking did come after a 'wake up call', which I wont go into here. But if you (one) can get a handle on your (their) drinking before a big bad wake up call, all the better.

I think it is important to have support. Whether it is here or AA or SMART or SOS or whatever it is that works for you.

I personally dont follow the disease model of being an 'alcoholic'.
But many people do.
I havent given up the idea that I may drink again, but the thing is I dont have to decide that now.
One of the nice things about not drinking is I am/can focus on WHY I was drinking. What was I escaping from...

I think there are many roads down the path to recovery.

Glad your here!

mle-sober

Laura,

I think I "hear" sadness or resignation in your post. At least, your post reminds me a lot of when I was at that stage in my drinking when I finally was beginning to see that I could not manage my drinking - that it was managing me. And I felt SO SAD. Like I was having to realize that someone I thought was a true life-long friend was actually an enemy. Or worse - someone who didn't care about me one way or the other and was merely out to get their own needs met. And their needs were voracious.

I saw that alcohol would never stop kicking my @ss. Never. And I was finally getting that.

The thing was - there was another stage after that. For me. When I decided not to give in. I fought back. I pushed through the sadness and I found anger. Anger that I was an alcoholic. Anger that I had given up so much to my disease. Anger that I had to quit. All of that anger fueled a whole new life for me. It lead to me quitting and finding myself again. To discovering that I was actually still funny and witty and fun to be around when I wasn't drunk.

I hope you push through the sadness and find the anger. And that the anger leads you to find yourself again, like I found myself. I know you can do it. Whether it takes anger or not. I KNOW you can do it.

- mle

NewBeginning010

Glad you are making a commitment to being sober :day6

lauraandersen4

Thanks everyone. I have been trading obsessions and compulsions for various things (NEVER HARD DRUGS) ever since my brother was suicidal when I was 14 and I felt that I couldn't express my feelings in front of my mom because she was already upset enough. It went on for 3 years (my brother is now fine) and it seems that pattern in my life has just stuck. At 29... it's probably time to grow up and get over that old baggage.

Many of you have very inspiring stories. I'm proud of you guys Keep it up!

Caria

your story sounds very familiar ... its a hard thing to accept but an important one. .my sober journey has just begun.

gypsy feet .. your post really hit home for me. thanks for posting and remdinding me that i dont need to drink, i dont need a drink and the last thing i want is for my small chidren to grow up with alcohol in their everyday lives...

suki44883

Then ONE night, just one, I had to many jello shots.

Boy, do I know what those can do. It was after a night of too many jello shots that I got into my car to drive home and fell asleep at the wheel. Thankfully, the car I hit was parked and no one was inside. Thus began my adventure through the judicial system and all that entails. It's really not worth it. Trust me.

Anna

None of us wanted to be 'that girl' or guy, as the case may be.

No one wants to grow up and become an addict, but some of us do.

I think it's super that you are understanding more about addiction and hopefully you will find support here if you decide to stop drinking.