back to square one
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: appleton, WI
Posts: 65
back to square one
drank tonight. still drinking. one month clean down the drain. i was doing really well. i am proof that i don't work. couldn't help but want to hang myself today. this really is no place for recovery. this page. it's a great place to come for support. obviously not enough. i satisfied my lustful desires like only a ***** could imagine. the difference being there was no fluid exchange...only fluid intake. i'm doomed. i will not beat this disease and i even believe in god. my soul is kind and gentle but i will not/cannot win. alcohol is winning. not only is it winning, it just took the checkered flag in the 'who's soul can i kill the quickest' race. who am i kidding? i ask again...who am i kidding? this sentence is an art form. i'm not strong enough and i would appreciate it if nobody here tried to talk me out of this downward spiral. there's a certain comfort to be found in the impending doom of an out of control binge. everyone's gotta die. might as well go out doing the only thing that makes any sense to me. out of control. that makes sense. oh the madness. i'm so lost that i'm starting to believe i belong there. praying to god is NOT working. coffee and cigarettes are not working. 3 gallon containers of herbal tea are not working. antabuse is not working. will power is not working. I AM NOT WORKING. i'm starting to believe that i'm better off this way. chicago cutlery to the jugular is sounding better than sex with an enabling alcoholic hooker right now. and oh...wouldn't that be a nice time. i just finished step 9. obviously too much for me to handle. f*ck life. F*ck everything. you want gospel...you got it. while we're at it......f*ck my pathetic excuse for a life.......too.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Stop drinking JK. You're only fuelling the fire of this self hatred.
Stop drinking, drink some water, go to bed, sleep - and call your sponsor in the morning.
You're not the first person not to get this first off - this place wouldn't exist if it was that easy. Took me 15 years, mate.
Go easy on yourself now. Go to bed and start the work again when you wake up.
You only lose the fight when you give up.
See you tomorrow
D
Stop drinking, drink some water, go to bed, sleep - and call your sponsor in the morning.
You're not the first person not to get this first off - this place wouldn't exist if it was that easy. Took me 15 years, mate.
Go easy on yourself now. Go to bed and start the work again when you wake up.
You only lose the fight when you give up.
See you tomorrow
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
No need to quit trying to quit JK, you made great progress. Now its time to look at your plan & make some changes for the next round.
Most of us have slipped after our first attempt (and many more), time to put the bottle down & go to bed. Please stay with us & finish this fight, we need you too.
Take Care & be kind to yourself,
NB
Most of us have slipped after our first attempt (and many more), time to put the bottle down & go to bed. Please stay with us & finish this fight, we need you too.
Take Care & be kind to yourself,
NB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: vancouver canada
Posts: 14
Hi JK,
i too am drinking this is my first night on this fourm I am scared of withdrawls and suffer from extrreme anxiety. I was always told throughout my whole life it dosent matter how you fall but how you get up that makes the diference. |I agree with dee. dont give up.
i too am drinking this is my first night on this fourm I am scared of withdrawls and suffer from extrreme anxiety. I was always told throughout my whole life it dosent matter how you fall but how you get up that makes the diference. |I agree with dee. dont give up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 413
Janitorking, a lot of that post is EXACTLY like what I was thinking and feeling a very short time ago. ITs too convenient to believe in an awful fate, that hoping is easier than desperation so why bother try. Thats not the way any of us were programmed. Start trying and believing.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Janitorking, when you first came here you said it was the most unalone you've felt in a long time. You are still not alone - never will be. (You can't get rid of us that easy.) Most of us have been where you are now. I felt very much the same the day I prayed (to whoever might be listening) to pull me up out of hell just one more time and I would try again. I was terrified I'd fall asleep and not wake up. Deep in my heart, I was not ready to give up on what remained of my life - and I don't believe you are either. I knew there had to be more than the miserable existence I had created for myself. The words I read here gave me the strength to reach out of the darkness for the hands that were extended to me. That was 18 mos. ago. I haven't had a drink since that day, but I sure have felt miserable & sorry for myself at times. Those feelings lighten up as you go along. You have to be totally fed up with the rollercoaster ride, then you'll be ready. I can tell by the words you've said since you came here - you know in your heart this is not the end of the road for you.
Once you get the poison out of your system your brain will begin to reawaken. The fog will lift. I promise you it will. You haven't given yourself a fighting chance yet. The first few months are the hardest, but even though you can't see it, there's progress every day. Tiny baby steps, as they say. For me, it was not a sudden awakening where life was all rainbows and singing birds - but a gradual thing.
We are in your corner. Please keep reading and writing until these horrible feelings pass. If you had truly given up on yourself, you wouldn't have come here in the wee hours of the morning to reach out. Now you need to give this thing another try. Booze is no longer fun, relaxing, exciting, or an escape from reality. Those days are long gone for us and they're not coming back. Sending love to you & will be thinking of you today.
Once you get the poison out of your system your brain will begin to reawaken. The fog will lift. I promise you it will. You haven't given yourself a fighting chance yet. The first few months are the hardest, but even though you can't see it, there's progress every day. Tiny baby steps, as they say. For me, it was not a sudden awakening where life was all rainbows and singing birds - but a gradual thing.
We are in your corner. Please keep reading and writing until these horrible feelings pass. If you had truly given up on yourself, you wouldn't have come here in the wee hours of the morning to reach out. Now you need to give this thing another try. Booze is no longer fun, relaxing, exciting, or an escape from reality. Those days are long gone for us and they're not coming back. Sending love to you & will be thinking of you today.
jimbo
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: london berks England
Posts: 426
i'm only just over a month in and nearly fell off of the wagon last week i guess the drink will always be there tempting me for ever ,next time you feel like giving in run outa the house get away from the drink and sit in the sun see how beautiful nature is around you,think of your family at your grave side sobbing as they lower your coffin down ,think of the years and years of grief you will be putting them through coz of your selfish wanting to get drunk
i'm not being harsh on you ...its what i thought last week ...and it gave me the kick up my sorry ass i needed ... jim
i'm not being harsh on you ...its what i thought last week ...and it gave me the kick up my sorry ass i needed ... jim
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Janitorking, I completely understand where you are coming from. My post on these boards "I Hate Me" was started when I was drinking and full of self loathing. Even when I'm sober I can't say as I really love myself, or sometimes even like myself, but I am working on it. The next day I felt like crap. Not hungover, don't really get those anymore, but emotionally like crap. But with the wonderful support I got here it has started to lift.
Just because you drank last night is not a requirement that you go on an everlasting bender. If you look at things with sober eyes today, you will be able to see the things that lead you to make this choice. 30 days are not "down the drain". You worked very hard for those days and nobody, including yourself can take them away!!
It sounds like you are involved with AA. Talk to your sponsor. I'm sure he'll wish you had talked to him before you drank, but what's done is done. Brush yourself off, learn from your mistakes and move on. I'm willing to bet that your sponsor probably had a relapse or two in his recovery, most of us have.
The most important thing to remember is that just because you drank last night, does not mean you have to drink today. You do not have to be in a "downward sprial". You can make that choice, if you wish, but with all the misery it is bringing you, why would you choose that??
Let's not kid ourselves, early sobriety is no walk in the park. It's a roller coaster of emotions we have repressed for years that we suddenly have to deal with and usually have no idea how to. At least that is what I am experiencing. If you don't have a sponsor, call someone you know in the program. If you don't know anyone in the program, PM someone on here who has some "time" and experience and can help you through this. You are lying to yourself when you say "I can't do this". You did do it for 30 days!! You drank for one night!! Do the math!!
Hope you are feeling a little better about yourself today. Stay in the moment, even if it is only this minute or this second. Don't worry about last night, or tomorrow, there is nothing you can do about either. Take care of yourself.
Just because you drank last night is not a requirement that you go on an everlasting bender. If you look at things with sober eyes today, you will be able to see the things that lead you to make this choice. 30 days are not "down the drain". You worked very hard for those days and nobody, including yourself can take them away!!
It sounds like you are involved with AA. Talk to your sponsor. I'm sure he'll wish you had talked to him before you drank, but what's done is done. Brush yourself off, learn from your mistakes and move on. I'm willing to bet that your sponsor probably had a relapse or two in his recovery, most of us have.
The most important thing to remember is that just because you drank last night, does not mean you have to drink today. You do not have to be in a "downward sprial". You can make that choice, if you wish, but with all the misery it is bringing you, why would you choose that??
Let's not kid ourselves, early sobriety is no walk in the park. It's a roller coaster of emotions we have repressed for years that we suddenly have to deal with and usually have no idea how to. At least that is what I am experiencing. If you don't have a sponsor, call someone you know in the program. If you don't know anyone in the program, PM someone on here who has some "time" and experience and can help you through this. You are lying to yourself when you say "I can't do this". You did do it for 30 days!! You drank for one night!! Do the math!!
Hope you are feeling a little better about yourself today. Stay in the moment, even if it is only this minute or this second. Don't worry about last night, or tomorrow, there is nothing you can do about either. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Maumee, OH
Posts: 68
janitorking, you sound like you're in the depths of despair and I almost never want to respond to things like this because I'm not an alcoholic, but something in my gut told me to respond to you if I could help.
I don't know what to say to you, but I found someone who does and he's a pretty wise guy.
"If you're anything like me and you stop drinking now, you'll feel a little less unraveled with each passing moment of sobriety. Your body has to rid itself of the poison that is making you feel so horrible and it can't do that if you continue to put more in. DO NOT DRINK TODAY!!
When you wake up tomorrow you can tell yourself the same thing but don't worry about that til tomorrow. This page is a wonderful resource but someone earlier mentioned the importance of human interaction and I agree whole heartedly.
Get to a meeting. Get a sponsor. Call a friend. Call a family member.
Sometimes you have to dig deeper than you'd ever thought possible just to get thru a day but it's worth it. Do yourself the biggest favor possible and avoid the drink like the plague. It might numb the pain, lonliness, fear or whatever it is you're running from for a short while but it will still be there in the morning and perhaps worse.
Hang in there. You're not alone."
And my favorite bit of wisdom from this very strong individual?
"Don't drink today and you will have won a major victory."
You know who this wise and strong person is? Look in the mirror. You wrote these words of encouragement to others. You have it in you to pick yourself up from this and I will pray that you find the strength to love yourself the way you so obviously love others struggling with the same demons you do.
Again, like you said, "The only things that kill these demons are honesty, open mindedness and of course, your higher power whatever it may be."
You were honest about this horrible night you've had. You can do this. Don't give up.
I don't know what to say to you, but I found someone who does and he's a pretty wise guy.
"If you're anything like me and you stop drinking now, you'll feel a little less unraveled with each passing moment of sobriety. Your body has to rid itself of the poison that is making you feel so horrible and it can't do that if you continue to put more in. DO NOT DRINK TODAY!!
When you wake up tomorrow you can tell yourself the same thing but don't worry about that til tomorrow. This page is a wonderful resource but someone earlier mentioned the importance of human interaction and I agree whole heartedly.
Get to a meeting. Get a sponsor. Call a friend. Call a family member.
Sometimes you have to dig deeper than you'd ever thought possible just to get thru a day but it's worth it. Do yourself the biggest favor possible and avoid the drink like the plague. It might numb the pain, lonliness, fear or whatever it is you're running from for a short while but it will still be there in the morning and perhaps worse.
Hang in there. You're not alone."
And my favorite bit of wisdom from this very strong individual?
"Don't drink today and you will have won a major victory."
You know who this wise and strong person is? Look in the mirror. You wrote these words of encouragement to others. You have it in you to pick yourself up from this and I will pray that you find the strength to love yourself the way you so obviously love others struggling with the same demons you do.
Again, like you said, "The only things that kill these demons are honesty, open mindedness and of course, your higher power whatever it may be."
You were honest about this horrible night you've had. You can do this. Don't give up.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
I saw myself and my old drinking attitude in your post. Alcohol is a depressant and it depresses your spirit as well as your body. When I was drinking everything felt hopeless. I too felt suicidal much of the time cause I was so disgusted with myself.
But getting sober enabled my soul and my body to heal and to find reasons to live. That's the alcohol talking in your post, not you. Don't feed the demon anymore and don't let it talk to you like that. Your life CAN get better but you've got to stop drinking. Don't drink today. Just for today drink lots of water and juice and take vitamins. Just don't drink. It will get better for you but you've got to stop drinking first.
And remember this: there's nothing so bad that alcohol can't make it much worse. Don't give up on yourself.
But getting sober enabled my soul and my body to heal and to find reasons to live. That's the alcohol talking in your post, not you. Don't feed the demon anymore and don't let it talk to you like that. Your life CAN get better but you've got to stop drinking. Don't drink today. Just for today drink lots of water and juice and take vitamins. Just don't drink. It will get better for you but you've got to stop drinking first.
And remember this: there's nothing so bad that alcohol can't make it much worse. Don't give up on yourself.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
You're right. What you're doing isn't working, which only means you give up, or you do ANYTHING else you can think of or that is suggested to you to get and stay sober. When you want it.. and I hope that's soon for you. This misery is self induced, but the other side of it can be yours for the taking as well. I couldn't quit until I was done.. done for good. I hope you reach that point soon.. this is deadly stuff. But I know you know that already.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: appleton, WI
Posts: 65
sorry and thanks
still alive. i'm hating myself and my actions pretty hard core right now. i just wanted to pop on and say thank you to everyone here. it's good to know you're all out there. i'm taking everyones advice...drinking lots of water, taking vitamins, resting etc. i'm sorry for the random and extremely negative post. the last thing any of you need is to be brought down by the pathetic actions of a very weak and desperate man. i do thank you for reading and responding but it's one of those things i feel i should apologize for as well.
yesterday was a horrible day. i worked from 6 in the morning until about 3. my wife and i went to a movie (ironically titled 'the hangover') around 4 and shortly after that i started feeling really disgusted with life in general. my anxiety started spinning out of control so i took my meds and tried to relax. later in the day we went to see fireworks. i don't do well when i'm surrounded by upwards of 10,000 people, most of them drunk, while loud explosives are igniting in mid air. i made it through that alright. a couple of our friends came home with us and we were just going to hang out for awhile. about an hour later it turned into to an all out house party. i completely didn't see it coming. people whom i'd never even met were showing up on our doorstep armed literally with gallons of booze. i went from stressed out to being surrounded by alcohol. it only took about 2 seconds for me to make up my mind. i would have thought i'd have put up more of a fight than that considering i had almost a month clean. it just came over me like a storm front and there was no turning back. i'm not blaming anybody. i have only my own weak will to blame.
one thing that's becoming painfully obvious is that there really is no 'beating' this thing. i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that i will be fighting this thing off for the rest of my life. i'm ok with that. i've accepted it. it's just a lot to process. i guess it's better that i'm coming to terms with this fact now as opposed to pissing away another 10 years before getting a grip on reality. i'm scared to talk to my sponsor. i have no reason to be. he's not a scary guy. i'm just filled with a lot of embarrassment, guilt and shame at the moment. i feel like it'll be a big let down for him. god knows i let myself and my wife down.
before i ramble on any further let me just say thank you to all of you again. in my experience, knowing that you're not alone is half the battle.
it feels good to know that i will not drink today.
thank you all so much,
janitorking
yesterday was a horrible day. i worked from 6 in the morning until about 3. my wife and i went to a movie (ironically titled 'the hangover') around 4 and shortly after that i started feeling really disgusted with life in general. my anxiety started spinning out of control so i took my meds and tried to relax. later in the day we went to see fireworks. i don't do well when i'm surrounded by upwards of 10,000 people, most of them drunk, while loud explosives are igniting in mid air. i made it through that alright. a couple of our friends came home with us and we were just going to hang out for awhile. about an hour later it turned into to an all out house party. i completely didn't see it coming. people whom i'd never even met were showing up on our doorstep armed literally with gallons of booze. i went from stressed out to being surrounded by alcohol. it only took about 2 seconds for me to make up my mind. i would have thought i'd have put up more of a fight than that considering i had almost a month clean. it just came over me like a storm front and there was no turning back. i'm not blaming anybody. i have only my own weak will to blame.
one thing that's becoming painfully obvious is that there really is no 'beating' this thing. i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that i will be fighting this thing off for the rest of my life. i'm ok with that. i've accepted it. it's just a lot to process. i guess it's better that i'm coming to terms with this fact now as opposed to pissing away another 10 years before getting a grip on reality. i'm scared to talk to my sponsor. i have no reason to be. he's not a scary guy. i'm just filled with a lot of embarrassment, guilt and shame at the moment. i feel like it'll be a big let down for him. god knows i let myself and my wife down.
before i ramble on any further let me just say thank you to all of you again. in my experience, knowing that you're not alone is half the battle.
it feels good to know that i will not drink today.
thank you all so much,
janitorking
Last edited by janitorking; 07-05-2009 at 06:07 PM.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Originally Posted by janitorking 
i'm sorry for the random and extremely negative post. the last thing any of you need is to be brought down by the pathetic actions of a very weak and desperate man. i do thank you for reading and responding but it's one of those things i feel i should apologize for as well.
You might be desperate but I doubt you're weak. You're addicted - it's not the same thing.
a couple of our friends came home with us and we were just going to hang out for awhile. about an hour later it turned into to an all out house party. i completely didn't see it coming. people whom i'd never even met were showing up on our doorstep armed literally with gallons of booze. i went from stressed out to being surrounded by alcohol. it only took about 2 seconds for me to make up my mind. i would have thought i'd have put up more of a fight than that considering i had almost a month clean. it just came over me like a storm front and there was no turning back. i'm not blaming anybody. i have only my own weak will to blame.
one thing that's becoming painfully obvious is that there really is no 'beating' this thing. i'm slowly coming to terms that i will be fighting this thing off for the rest of my life. i'm ok with that. i've accepted it. it's just a lot to process. i guess it's better that i'm coming to terms with this fact now as opposed to pissing away another 10 years before getting a grip on reality.
i'm scared to talk to my sponsor. i have no reason to be. he's not a scary guy. i'm just filled with a lot of embarrassment, guilt and shame at the moment. i feel like it'll be a big let down for him. god knows i let myself and my wife down.
before i ramble on any further let me just say thank you to all of you again. in my experience, knowing that you're not alone is half the battle.
it feels good to know that i will not drink today.
thank you all so much,
janitorking
before i ramble on any further let me just say thank you to all of you again. in my experience, knowing that you're not alone is half the battle.
it feels good to know that i will not drink today.
thank you all so much,
janitorking
I'm glad you're back mate
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Dee's right, once you get rolling with sobriety and your new life, it isn't a daily battle where you feel constantly challenged and threatened. None of us would make it if that were the case. My first couple of months were filled with remorse, guilt, dread - all the self-defeating stuff. Then a friend on here reminded me those are useless emotions. OK, we screwed up badly, but nothing is to be gained by reliving the bad things. Onward and upward - no kicking yourself - you can do this. You sound better already.
You were not a downer - it's inspirational to see someone fight their way out of a nightmare and try again. It also reminds us all what hell awaits if we pick up again.
You were not a downer - it's inspirational to see someone fight their way out of a nightmare and try again. It also reminds us all what hell awaits if we pick up again.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Maumee, OH
Posts: 68
I'm sure I'll have some weak and desperate moments more than a few times so I certainly don't need an apology.
I don't think you were a downer. I think you're human. You already said this taught you something valuable, that you'll be fighting this forever. I'd say that's a huge accomplishment.
And it was a good thing that you came back from that and are still fighting. You could have chosen to give in and say forget recovery. You didn't. That's something to be applauded.
I don't think you were a downer. I think you're human. You already said this taught you something valuable, that you'll be fighting this forever. I'd say that's a huge accomplishment.
And it was a good thing that you came back from that and are still fighting. You could have chosen to give in and say forget recovery. You didn't. That's something to be applauded.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
Since you're an AA guy, I'll reply with some thoughts I'd not use otherwise.
a desperate man
GOOD, hitting bottom is critical.
people whom i'd never even met were showing up on our doorstep armed literally with gallons of booze.
It is your house, could have gone to bed, left or asked them to leave.
i have only my own weak will to blame.
The program specifically tells us it's not about self will. LACK OF POWER, THAT IS OUR DILEMMA. It goes on to tell us the answer on that same page.
i will be fighting this thing off for the rest of my life.
In the forward of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions it clearly says differently!!
i'm scared to talk to my sponsor.
He won't be surprised you drank, he probaly saw it coming, might want to ask him what he saw. Then take his advice AND ACT ON IT.
it feels good to know that i will not drink today.
Sure does, and that's about 5% of the program. There is more to quitting drinking than quitting drinking.......
I've been in self pity a millions times.........never got me anywhere. Applying spiritual principles & the steps as a way of life have & taking direction.
I have no intention of upsetting you or anyone else here........these are NOT my ideas, they come straight from the print. Trust them or fight them, it's your choice.
I have empirical proof the program works.......IF I get out of the way & do what's suggested.
I hesitate hitting Submit Reply now........lol......I'm probably gonna hear about this. It's IS the truth I know, that I'm NOT sorry about.
a desperate man
GOOD, hitting bottom is critical.
people whom i'd never even met were showing up on our doorstep armed literally with gallons of booze.
It is your house, could have gone to bed, left or asked them to leave.
i have only my own weak will to blame.
The program specifically tells us it's not about self will. LACK OF POWER, THAT IS OUR DILEMMA. It goes on to tell us the answer on that same page.
i will be fighting this thing off for the rest of my life.
In the forward of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions it clearly says differently!!
i'm scared to talk to my sponsor.
He won't be surprised you drank, he probaly saw it coming, might want to ask him what he saw. Then take his advice AND ACT ON IT.
it feels good to know that i will not drink today.
Sure does, and that's about 5% of the program. There is more to quitting drinking than quitting drinking.......
I've been in self pity a millions times.........never got me anywhere. Applying spiritual principles & the steps as a way of life have & taking direction.
I have no intention of upsetting you or anyone else here........these are NOT my ideas, they come straight from the print. Trust them or fight them, it's your choice.
I have empirical proof the program works.......IF I get out of the way & do what's suggested.
I hesitate hitting Submit Reply now........lol......I'm probably gonna hear about this. It's IS the truth I know, that I'm NOT sorry about.
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