cg85756

My husband is an alcoholic. He has been since he was 12. He's 31 now. He can stay sober for years, and then will start drinking again. When I first met him, he hid it well. Now I have trouble trusting him when he is sober. He has been abusive when drunk. I've had him arrested for the abuse, but have taken him back. He hasn't been physically abusive in years, but after the last time he stopped drinking (Sept 2007 while in jail for DV) he started acting different. He has always had a job, working full time and at times a second part time job. He is currently still on probation, until Sept. He is now only getting tested for alcohol once a month. He was getting tested 4 times a week at a drug testing place, and by his PO once a week. I think he was sober at that time, but he wasn't acting sober. He was verbally abusive, calling me vulgar names, insulting me, copying what I said in a weird high-pitched voice, saying he was helping me by letting me know what I sound like, and when I tried having conversations about serious stuff, if it was something he didn't want to talk about ("Why do you leave the house at 5am and get home at 6pm 5 days a week if you only get paid for 40 hrs?") he would avoid conversation by talking over me, interrupting me, or walking away saying "I'm sober. I have changed (yes, he got sober and got verbally mean), you're jealous because I'm sober, you have to trust me" He also started hiding paychecks, changed his password on the bank account so I couldn't check the activity/balance. I'll admit that when I try discussing something and get treated in the above manner, I yell. It's not my personality to be quiet, passive, and agree with everything he says or does, I don't like being treated like a child. So anyways, he was laid off last month, looked for a job for a couple days, didn't get hired, and started hanging out with an alcoholic friend who is 35, childless, and still lives with mom & dad, while drinking and using his own unemployment check as drinking money. So hubby is now drinking, calling me drunk from this guys house, staying away all day when our kids incl. a one year old, need milk/diapers, while driving our only vehicle drunk, and blaming me. If I didn't yell so much, he wouldn't drink. If I had sex with him every day, he wouldn't drink (he has raped me in past, I no longer like sex, especially when we have no emotional connection, and being called names). So my question is, has anyone had an alcoholic act "drunk" when sober, so they can be accused of drinking, so when they do drink they can say "I'm not drunk, you've accused me before and were wrong, you're wrong now" or have they become so mean when sober that you can't stand to be close, just to have them use that as a reason to drink? I feel set up, but don't know if I'm being paranoid.

Barbara52

Wow. He sounds like hell to live with. His abuse of you, the accusations are basiclly typical alcoholic behavior trying to shift the blame since that is easier than dealing with his issues.

I'm sorry to be blunt but what are you getting out of staying with him? He's abusive, alcoholic, out of work and not looking for employment. I see no positives for you in this situation.

Freedom1990

My heart hurt reading your post. It took me back to the days I was married to my EXAH. We only had one car, my car, but he often would take it and leave me stranded without transportation for several days. He abused me mentally and physically. It was a horrible way to live.

What can you do for yourself and your children to start making your lives better?

:ghug :ghug

cg85756

I'm not getting anything out of staying with him. We have 3 kids (the last conceived during the abuse, not my choice but I love her). He was making $16.75/hr so we didn't qualify for state childcare help, and if I had gone to work, it would cost more for childcare than I would make, so I'm a stay at home mom. We have one vehicle, which he has. We just moved and are nowhere near a bus line. I'm not from AZ, and he has chased all my friends off. If I found a job, I would have no way of getting there. Our kids are 6, 2, and just turned 1. The 2 year old can walk, but not far. He is too heavy for his 6 yr old sister to carry. The 1 year old can walk, but not well. The double stroller is huge and I can't carry that, a 2 year old, and a 1 year old on a bus to get them to daycare. With his unemployment, we would qualify for childcare, but I physically can't get them there. He's put me between a rock and a hard place. I'm now dependent on him. I called his PO Friday and said he's drinking again (he's not supposed to). His PO said he missed his appt with him Friday, and also didn't tell him he got laid off. I told hubby PO wanted him to call, and he said no, let him just arrest him. He's done this in the past, where the only way to get him to stop drinking was wait until he committed a crime (abuse) and have him arrested, then he blames me for ruining his life for having him arrested. The problem now is the unemployment just covers the rent, which is going to be paid late as it is because he's drinking the rent money, and I don't want my kids living in a shelter or on the street. I've been to a shelter before, and the dv ones are usually full with a waiting list, because you are allowed to stay, but the homeless shelters kick people out first thing in the am, and I would have my kids in the street until they reopen at 5pm. It's hot in Tucson during the day. I wouldn't know where to go. That's why I'm with him. I was raised by both bio parents in a loving home. They never abused anyone. I'm not with him because I like it. I used to think people who were abused must like it or they would leave. It really isn't as easy as it sounds. I have no money, he pays the bills. I have no transportation, he scared my friends away, and my parents are deceased.

suki44883

Do you have any other family that you can contact who could help get you out of there? Send you some money for a bus ticket? I'm so sorry you are going through this, but there has got to be someone you can contact for help...even if it's one of those friends he scared off. Anything is better than hanging around waiting to be his punching bag. (((HUGS)))

Bernadette

He may have scared your friends away but maybe if you call a friend from the past with a plan worked out and a specific request for specific help then one of those friends might respond.

Also if there's a waiting list for the DV shelters - get your name on it!! Those days are going to go by anyway!!! Reach out to the DV counselors for yourself anyway - do something, any small thing, in the direction of helping yourself and little by little it will snowball into greater movement.

Sending you a shot of strength of courage-
peace,
b

cg85756

I guess my question was more about how to placate an alcoholic then how to get out of an abusive relationship. I know I have to leave, but I can't right now. I have tried arguing back, to show him he's wrong (I'm really not a b or anything else he calls me), but that makes his comments worse. I've tried saying I won't talk to him when he's like that, he says I won't talk because I know he's right, which he'll go on and on about, and that makes him do it more. What makes people like him "happy"? If I constantly give in, agree with him, have sex with him, then he thinks the way he treats me is good, because he got what he wanted, and it gets worse for me. I think he has issues from childhood that cause him to act that way (the reason he started drinking at 12 was because his parents were married, he thought happily, then his dad left and "came out of the closet" to him when he was going through puberty. He's from a very "macho" hispanic family. His cousins, uncles started asking him if he was gay too, like his father. He started to blame his mom for "making" his dad gay. Then at 14, his father died from HIV. By then he was a full blown alcoholic. Now, I think he overdoes the "macho" by feeling like he has to put me in my place, he's the boss, he controls everything, he works (when he can find a job - he said part of the reason he's drinking again is because he's depressed about not taking care of his kids). I don't know if he hates women, me especially, or if he's trying to prove he's straight by being too (what he thinks is) manly. He claims he wants sex constantly, even if he obviously isn't "ready" yet, and it's getting old. He has no idea what a real marriage is like. He has no male role models, just his uncles, who he no longer speaks to. His father was rarely home, and when he was, it wasn't a "normal" relationship with his mother. Does this make sense?

laurie6781

Welcome to SR you have found a GREAT place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

I don't know your circumstances, but you can leave right now. This is definite ABUSE. Please call the Domestic Violence Shelter in Tucson. They have many resources that can help you now, from temporary housing, counsiling, legal aid, getting you and any children into a safe environment.

There is NO WAY to placate a 'raging alcoholic.' If, he did not have the family he had, and the 'excuses' he is using, he would find other 'excuses.'

Please make that call, get you and any children you have to a SAFE place. You are living with a time bomb and I am afraid, none of us know when it is set to go off completely and totally.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

I will suggeswt you try Al-Anon, but after you get to safety.

Love and hugs,

suki44883

Sounds to me like he's a pretty miserable person, so I'm not sure there is any way to placate him. I'd be putting my energies to getting the heck out of Dodge.

least

I hope you can get in touch with someone, a friend or DV professional, and get yourself and your kids into a safe place before anything worse happens.

Daisy09

Hi CG,

Welcome to SR. I have found this to be a safe, understanding, non-judgmental place to express my feelings about my relationship. Please know that the suggestions people are making to you are made out of concern for your safety and that of your babies - there are a lot of really caring, wonderful people here. It sounds to me from what you have said that you know your relationaship with your husband is not healthy for anyone involved, and I can definitely understand that from what you have told us about it.

It doesn't matter what you do, CG, I doubt that you could placate your husband even if you did everything he says he wants you to do. You are not the cause of his problems, so you can't be the solution. You have done NOTHING to deserve this kind of treatment. No human being deserves to be abused in any way, physically, mentally, or verbally, and it sounds as though you have suffered from all of them.

The decision to stay or go is entirely your own. Only you will know when you are ready & willing to move on. But please know that you are always welcome to come here and post, no matter what your situation is, whether you stay or go.

If you are not ready or able to deal with social services, maybe you could contact a local church. Many are so happy to give help to anyone who asks for it. Even it you just need to say "My husband has left us without a car, my babies need milk and diapers, I have no one else to turn to, can you help me please." It might also be helpful to find someone you can "check in with" from time to time, again this could be a church member, a long-lost friend, anyone, just as long as someone knows to make sure you and your babies are still ok.

Please take care of yourself and your babies, and know that there are some people in the world who care about you and are thinking of you, even if we've never met you

Love,
Daisy

Ago

You can't

I'm so very sorry

When that "dynamic" appears it's not about him trying to "get his needs met" it's about a method of control. The "behavior" you display that makes him angry or his "need" to be placated is a constantly changing "thing".

It's a way for him to control you, and no matter what you do, the target behavior he focuses on will "change". It's a way to get you to "behave".

It will make you doubt your own reality, it's called "the double bind". Someone says "I love you" then hurts you terribly. It causes incredible suffering and psychological damage. It was done to him and now he will do it to anyone he comes in contact with.

If your children grow up in this dynamic, they in turn will "pass it on" to their children and loved ones.

I am so sorry.

Please listen to what is being said here, these women have vast experience in living situations similar to yours, they know where it ends up.

isurvived

Get yourself and your kids out of that situation.

I know it looks insurmountable, but it is quite POSSIBLE. There are organizations that will help you. Help you with housing, help you with a job, job training, and even transportation.

The longer you stay, the more beaten down you will become. Remember, your kids are watching and learning. You are not trapped, it may feel like it, but there is help. All you need to do is seek them out.

TakingCharge999

Dear cg,

Here is a very useful link with practical tips to leave:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html

Remember you are not alone. I am glad you found SR, this is a wonderful place and we all care about you and your children.

Let us know how you are doing - I agree past friends will probably understand your situation and help you out. Its very important for you to reach out, you do not have to do this alone.

Hugs!

flutter

I wont say much, because the best of what I could say has already been said.

PLEASE call the police if he is driving drunk.

PLEASE call the police if he is abusive.

I feel so bad for the kids growing up in this

FreeingMyself

I just wanted to say I understand your situation and feelings, more than you could possibly know......you are in my thoughts and prayers.