My Marriage
Resident Awesome Guy
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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My Marriage
I have a question for all my friends out there. Have any of you who are married, and have stopped drinking, been awoken to a list of issues other then drinking that are straining the marriage? I maybe didn't word that right, but it was the best I could do. What I mean is, for so long I thought the only problem my wife and I had in our marriage was the fact that I drank. Being sober now over 2 weeks, my eyes are starting to open to some other issues.
For instance, we haven't been intimate in a LONG time. We did just have our 3rd child, and for a while I thought that, combined with the fact that she was always pissed at me for drinking were the contributing factor to that, but now those factors are gone and still nothing. Now don't get me wrong, I know that with marriage, there is usually the enevitable slow down in the intimacy, but the thing that scares me is that I am not freaking out about it. I still think my wife is attractive, I just don't really have the same "drive" I used to. I am wondering if all the years of poisioning myself has something to do with it.
The next thing I am noticing is we really don't do anything together. She reads a book and i mess around on the computer most nights. We really don't engage in conversation, don't play Yahtzee together (not like we ever have), nothing. I feel we really don't want to be around eachother. Once again, I used to think this was all the booze. When I try and start up a conversation, it seems like I am pulling teeth to get a response. WTF is going on with that?
I am starting to feel like we are just staying together for the kids at this point and I always told myself that if that happen, we need to get a divorce. I am hoping that my sobriety is just so new to our family that it is going to take some adjusting time for her. I asked her about a week ago what was going on and she said that I have just hurt her so many times that she is making sure this time I am serious about all this. I understand her stance, but how long do I need to feel like a kid who got expelled from school or something. It really doesn't seem like the support is there. It feels a lot more like "bout time you SOB, now lets just see if you can keep it up."
Sorry for the long post here everyone but I really needed to get this off my chest. I think her and I may need to go to some marriage counseling (the same therapist who worked with me on the drinking) and work through some issues now that it seems like I got the no drinking thing going. Any advice will be MUCH appreciated as I just feel like I am spinning my wheels here.
Thanks
Chris
For instance, we haven't been intimate in a LONG time. We did just have our 3rd child, and for a while I thought that, combined with the fact that she was always pissed at me for drinking were the contributing factor to that, but now those factors are gone and still nothing. Now don't get me wrong, I know that with marriage, there is usually the enevitable slow down in the intimacy, but the thing that scares me is that I am not freaking out about it. I still think my wife is attractive, I just don't really have the same "drive" I used to. I am wondering if all the years of poisioning myself has something to do with it.
The next thing I am noticing is we really don't do anything together. She reads a book and i mess around on the computer most nights. We really don't engage in conversation, don't play Yahtzee together (not like we ever have), nothing. I feel we really don't want to be around eachother. Once again, I used to think this was all the booze. When I try and start up a conversation, it seems like I am pulling teeth to get a response. WTF is going on with that?
I am starting to feel like we are just staying together for the kids at this point and I always told myself that if that happen, we need to get a divorce. I am hoping that my sobriety is just so new to our family that it is going to take some adjusting time for her. I asked her about a week ago what was going on and she said that I have just hurt her so many times that she is making sure this time I am serious about all this. I understand her stance, but how long do I need to feel like a kid who got expelled from school or something. It really doesn't seem like the support is there. It feels a lot more like "bout time you SOB, now lets just see if you can keep it up."
Sorry for the long post here everyone but I really needed to get this off my chest. I think her and I may need to go to some marriage counseling (the same therapist who worked with me on the drinking) and work through some issues now that it seems like I got the no drinking thing going. Any advice will be MUCH appreciated as I just feel like I am spinning my wheels here.
Thanks
Chris
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"I thought the only problem my wife and I had in our marriage was the fact that I drank."
Almost everyone discovers that their problems and issues in life go waaaaaaaay beyond their drinking.
Quitting drinking makes you face the problems that your drinking formerly masked and hid from you.
Almost everyone discovers that their problems and issues in life go waaaaaaaay beyond their drinking.
Quitting drinking makes you face the problems that your drinking formerly masked and hid from you.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Originally Posted by C23 
I am starting to feel like we are just staying together for the kids at this point and I always told myself that if that happen, we need to get a divorce.
I think her and I may need to go to some marriage counseling (the same therapist who worked with me on the drinking) and work through some issues now that it seems like I got the no drinking thing going.
I think her and I may need to go to some marriage counseling (the same therapist who worked with me on the drinking) and work through some issues now that it seems like I got the no drinking thing going.
As far as the intimacy portion I would say that goes hand in hand with the forgiveness. Women or at least me, have to have the connection before jumping in bed. If there's no connection then there's no intimacy. If there's anger even on a subconscious level its hard to be intimate also.
Counseling as a couple and counseling for your wife as an individual would be my advice.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 281
Congratulations on 2 weeks sober, that's AWESOME!!!
I have been sober for almost 8 months now, and I dealt with exactly the same thing at the very beginning of my sobriety. But I assure you, if you want to put the time into your marriage which I think you should, just be patient. You have been drinking and doing your own thing for years, so she may not be used to your sobriety mind and heart.
My husband and I always did things with our friends, rarely did we do things alone. But when I became sober, I wanted to be alone with him... go to dinner, stay in for a movie, etc. I kind of expected him to read my mind though... I never told him that I wanted to do these things, I want HIM to suggest them. Continue to communicate and don't give up on her!
I was on the very edge and really thought we may not last. We have a 3 year old son, I owed it to him to make things work!!! Divorce is not an option in my book, I can't let it be or I would submit to it too easily! I did find that after time and patients with my husband that I am the happiest I have ever been in our marriage (5 years in July).
Put as much time and effort into your wife, as you are your sobriety!
Have a wonderful day!
I have been sober for almost 8 months now, and I dealt with exactly the same thing at the very beginning of my sobriety. But I assure you, if you want to put the time into your marriage which I think you should, just be patient. You have been drinking and doing your own thing for years, so she may not be used to your sobriety mind and heart.
My husband and I always did things with our friends, rarely did we do things alone. But when I became sober, I wanted to be alone with him... go to dinner, stay in for a movie, etc. I kind of expected him to read my mind though... I never told him that I wanted to do these things, I want HIM to suggest them. Continue to communicate and don't give up on her!
I was on the very edge and really thought we may not last. We have a 3 year old son, I owed it to him to make things work!!! Divorce is not an option in my book, I can't let it be or I would submit to it too easily! I did find that after time and patients with my husband that I am the happiest I have ever been in our marriage (5 years in July).
Put as much time and effort into your wife, as you are your sobriety!
Have a wonderful day!
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Chris lose of drive in early sobriety is not uncommon at all, it comes back with time.
I was and still am married when I sobered up, what can I tell you..... well my marriage was all over but the shouting before I went into detox, she put up with my crap for a lot of years before she made the decision that she was not going to let my kids drink myself to death.
Anyhow cutting to the chase, when I got out fo detox she stayed but with no promises. It took her quite a while to even start to trust me again, I am not talking a few weeks, but several months. How the heck could I put her and the kids through what I did for all those years and expect everything to turn around in a matter of months.
I stayed sober, I took the steps and I applied them to all areas of my life as best as I could, I changed, I became far more tolerant, loving & forgiving. I pushed nothing.... how could I?
Chris it is going to take time and time takes time. Yes there are going to be things that arise that you were unable to see before, keep working on your self, she is going to have to adjust to a new you.
You all may consider marriage counseling, see if you can find a counselor either in recovery or familiar with recovery, ask your sponsor and others in the rooms. Look it will take time for both of you.
I was and still am married when I sobered up, what can I tell you..... well my marriage was all over but the shouting before I went into detox, she put up with my crap for a lot of years before she made the decision that she was not going to let my kids drink myself to death.
Anyhow cutting to the chase, when I got out fo detox she stayed but with no promises. It took her quite a while to even start to trust me again, I am not talking a few weeks, but several months. How the heck could I put her and the kids through what I did for all those years and expect everything to turn around in a matter of months.
I stayed sober, I took the steps and I applied them to all areas of my life as best as I could, I changed, I became far more tolerant, loving & forgiving. I pushed nothing.... how could I?
Chris it is going to take time and time takes time. Yes there are going to be things that arise that you were unable to see before, keep working on your self, she is going to have to adjust to a new you.
You all may consider marriage counseling, see if you can find a counselor either in recovery or familiar with recovery, ask your sponsor and others in the rooms. Look it will take time for both of you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
What I find crucial in my marriage of 25 years... My recovery is 9 months old.... Is the quality of my recovery.
White knuckling it would not be good for my marriage, my being resentful or feeling sorry for myself would not be good for my marriage. I have to be happy with myself to be happy with the world, with my marriage. She has to want to love me, that would be hard for anyone if I were not working a good program of recovery.
Chris... What program of recovery are you using?
I think the hardest thing for me is the new relationship with my wife. It's not been easy for either of us, but we love each other endlessly, so we are trying. We will be ok, but not if I don't get recovered, not just abstaining....
Mark
White knuckling it would not be good for my marriage, my being resentful or feeling sorry for myself would not be good for my marriage. I have to be happy with myself to be happy with the world, with my marriage. She has to want to love me, that would be hard for anyone if I were not working a good program of recovery.
Chris... What program of recovery are you using?
I think the hardest thing for me is the new relationship with my wife. It's not been easy for either of us, but we love each other endlessly, so we are trying. We will be ok, but not if I don't get recovered, not just abstaining....
Mark
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Originally Posted by Cubile75
What I find crucial in my marriage of 25 years... My recovery is 9 months old.... Is the quality of my recovery.
White knuckling it would not be good for my marriage, my being resentful or feeling sorry for myself would not be good for my marriage. I have to be happy with myself to be happy with the world, with my marriage. She has to want to love me, that would be hard for anyone if I were not working a good program of recovery.
Chris... What program of recovery are you using?
I think the hardest thing for me is the new relationship with my wife. It's not been easy for either of us, but we love each other endlessly, so we are trying. We will be ok, but not if I don't get recovered, not just abstaining....
Mark
White knuckling it would not be good for my marriage, my being resentful or feeling sorry for myself would not be good for my marriage. I have to be happy with myself to be happy with the world, with my marriage. She has to want to love me, that would be hard for anyone if I were not working a good program of recovery.
Chris... What program of recovery are you using?
I think the hardest thing for me is the new relationship with my wife. It's not been easy for either of us, but we love each other endlessly, so we are trying. We will be ok, but not if I don't get recovered, not just abstaining....
Mark
I am not using any set program of recovery. I know that many on here think that is the kiss of death, but I have tried AA and its not really for me. I have been on meds, read books, seen a therapist, gone to a Buddhist temple for meditation, etc, and this time, I guess white knuckling (which I don't feel I am since I really don't even crave alcohol anymore) is my plan. I guess my plan is just being so fed up and disappointed in the way I was that I never want to go back there again.
Chris
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thanks for the responses everyone. I guess I need to understand that it is going to take time for my marriage to get back to where I want it to be. I also realize that I need to feel lucky that I even still have a marriage to worry about. She should have been long gone and stuck with me through hell. I need to understand that it is going to take a while for my wife to trust me again and even treat me like the husband I once was.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
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Hye Chris,
First off, it's funny how women call it sexual desire and us guys call it sexual drive, we just can't get cars out of our heads, lol. Also, after two weeks we think, hey look at me now, don't you want to get to know me better now that I'm off the sauce? Another thing, how many times have we actually "jumped into bed with a woman," most of the time I just fall into bed with one.
I think it will take much more time to get past the past, if you know what I mean. The water may be under the bridge, but it is still churning and causing havoc till it passes further downstream and runs it's course. I would suggest that you give yourself and your wife some more time, and try to improve the communication between you. Once she feels like you're her best friend again, the jumping may come faster than you think.
First off, it's funny how women call it sexual desire and us guys call it sexual drive, we just can't get cars out of our heads, lol. Also, after two weeks we think, hey look at me now, don't you want to get to know me better now that I'm off the sauce? Another thing, how many times have we actually "jumped into bed with a woman," most of the time I just fall into bed with one.
I think it will take much more time to get past the past, if you know what I mean. The water may be under the bridge, but it is still churning and causing havoc till it passes further downstream and runs it's course. I would suggest that you give yourself and your wife some more time, and try to improve the communication between you. Once she feels like you're her best friend again, the jumping may come faster than you think.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Chris...
I get that AA may not be for you and I don't plan to try and make you feel differently...
There are many people out there who have recovered from addiction, they have wisdom, they are willing to share it. Tap into that wisdom, get recovered. There is a lot at stake here... your family. Perhaps your program of recovery will be SR. OK...
A great place to get insight is over in the Friends and Family section. Those who are in relationships with alcoholics, recovering, recovered and not recovering will be able to share their wisdom. I turned to them often during the excrutiating early days of sobriety and when I had many worries about me and my wife... they were very helpful.
Good luck Chris.... Congrats on your 2 weeks!!
Mark
I get that AA may not be for you and I don't plan to try and make you feel differently...
There are many people out there who have recovered from addiction, they have wisdom, they are willing to share it. Tap into that wisdom, get recovered. There is a lot at stake here... your family. Perhaps your program of recovery will be SR. OK...
A great place to get insight is over in the Friends and Family section. Those who are in relationships with alcoholics, recovering, recovered and not recovering will be able to share their wisdom. I turned to them often during the excrutiating early days of sobriety and when I had many worries about me and my wife... they were very helpful.
Good luck Chris.... Congrats on your 2 weeks!!
Mark
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Excellent thoughts from everyone, as always. That's why I love this place.
Chris, having been on both sides of this thing, I completely agree with Horselover about the intimacy. We've been so hurt and felt abandoned through the bad times. Then when the sun begins to come out again we're afraid to let ourselves be vulnerable. Of course, a marriage can't survive if one of you holds back and never lets the other in. There has to come a time when she forgives & wants to move on. If there is still love between you, I believe everything can be made right again. No, it may not be the same relationship you once had - but it can still be happy and exciting in a different way. You almost have to get to know each other all over again.
On the other hand, I don't believe in serving a life sentence if you're both miserable and frustrated. If your past behavior is constantly brought up it'll be impossible to repair the damage. As I said, I've been on both sides of this - my current husband put up with my garbage for years, even married me while I was an active alkie, & not even trying to quit. (In retrospect, he was foolish to take the chance, but his gamble paid off.) When my first husband began to drink so heavily and shut me out, I didn't even know about this disease. I was the best little enabler anyone could want. I thought one of the reasons he drank was because he was no longer happy or satisfied with our marriage. Therefore, I felt completely rejected & no longer desirable. It was so hard for me to give up on him, but when I did there was no going back. However, he did NOT stop drinking the way you have. He tried to manage it and failed. So I think - if the love is still there somewhere - when she sees you are serious and she's not going to be dragged through hell again, there can be a happy ending.
Chris, having been on both sides of this thing, I completely agree with Horselover about the intimacy. We've been so hurt and felt abandoned through the bad times. Then when the sun begins to come out again we're afraid to let ourselves be vulnerable. Of course, a marriage can't survive if one of you holds back and never lets the other in. There has to come a time when she forgives & wants to move on. If there is still love between you, I believe everything can be made right again. No, it may not be the same relationship you once had - but it can still be happy and exciting in a different way. You almost have to get to know each other all over again.
On the other hand, I don't believe in serving a life sentence if you're both miserable and frustrated. If your past behavior is constantly brought up it'll be impossible to repair the damage. As I said, I've been on both sides of this - my current husband put up with my garbage for years, even married me while I was an active alkie, & not even trying to quit. (In retrospect, he was foolish to take the chance, but his gamble paid off.) When my first husband began to drink so heavily and shut me out, I didn't even know about this disease. I was the best little enabler anyone could want. I thought one of the reasons he drank was because he was no longer happy or satisfied with our marriage. Therefore, I felt completely rejected & no longer desirable. It was so hard for me to give up on him, but when I did there was no going back. However, he did NOT stop drinking the way you have. He tried to manage it and failed. So I think - if the love is still there somewhere - when she sees you are serious and she's not going to be dragged through hell again, there can be a happy ending.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
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Chris,
I just wanted to add that sometimes, in addition to the physical desire for intimacy, we often consider sex an act of validation, as if to say we are forgiven and all is well again. In this respect, it may be beneficial that you are not being intimate at this early date in sobriety, because it may help you stay focused and work hard on your recovery.
The fruits of our labor do come, just as the seed will sprout, but it takes alot of care, nourishment and sunshine to bring the seed to fruition.
I just wanted to add that sometimes, in addition to the physical desire for intimacy, we often consider sex an act of validation, as if to say we are forgiven and all is well again. In this respect, it may be beneficial that you are not being intimate at this early date in sobriety, because it may help you stay focused and work hard on your recovery.
The fruits of our labor do come, just as the seed will sprout, but it takes alot of care, nourishment and sunshine to bring the seed to fruition.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Sorry if this was already said, I didn't read the responses.. but I wanted to just say that usually what I've found, (as cliche as it sounds) is that drinking is the symptoms of a lot of life's problems. Once our heads are clear, we have to deal with it.. with REAL life, and it's often riddled with problems and tangles. At least you can tackle them with a clear head now !!
Resident Awesome Guy
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Originally Posted by firestorm090
Chris,
I just wanted to add that sometimes, in addition to the physical desire for intimacy, we often consider sex an act of validation, as if to say we are forgiven and all is well again. In this respect, it may be beneficial that you are not being intimate at this early date in sobriety, because it may help you stay focused and work hard on your recovery.
The fruits of our labor do come, just as the seed will sprout, but it takes alot of care, nourishment and sunshine to bring the seed to fruition.
I just wanted to add that sometimes, in addition to the physical desire for intimacy, we often consider sex an act of validation, as if to say we are forgiven and all is well again. In this respect, it may be beneficial that you are not being intimate at this early date in sobriety, because it may help you stay focused and work hard on your recovery.
The fruits of our labor do come, just as the seed will sprout, but it takes alot of care, nourishment and sunshine to bring the seed to fruition.
The last thing I want or need right now is to sprout a seed, so I will probably wait on the intamacy. HA!
Seriously, thanks for the advice.
Chris
lunarlovelunar
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Chris~
:ghug3
I also went through something similar. The best advice I got at the time was to be patient and not make any rash decisions. I am now 5 months sober and things are very different than what they were 4 and half months ago. Huzzy and I are closer than we have been in years, however that isnt really saying alot in some respects. We are, I think jut now really starting to get into the meat of what we want our relationship to be. It takes time to figure out this stuff. We both made alot of mistakes and really hurt eachother. It took us quite a while to do the damage so it may take quite a while to undo it. So I guess all I can say is take your time. Dont rush yourself, your wife , or your relationship. Counseling sounds like a great idea. I go myself and it has helped alot. I wish you both all the best. PM me anytime, it would be interesting to chat.
:ghug3
I also went through something similar. The best advice I got at the time was to be patient and not make any rash decisions. I am now 5 months sober and things are very different than what they were 4 and half months ago. Huzzy and I are closer than we have been in years, however that isnt really saying alot in some respects. We are, I think jut now really starting to get into the meat of what we want our relationship to be. It takes time to figure out this stuff. We both made alot of mistakes and really hurt eachother. It took us quite a while to do the damage so it may take quite a while to undo it. So I guess all I can say is take your time. Dont rush yourself, your wife , or your relationship. Counseling sounds like a great idea. I go myself and it has helped alot. I wish you both all the best. PM me anytime, it would be interesting to chat.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
alright chris.....
It may be worth mentioning that my mind after two weeks sober was still all over the place.
Problems seemed huge.........fears were unfounded.....etc.
Give it a while....
im married........we been through some tuff times over the years......and id try to control and manipulated the outcome........and make problem worse.
the more i stepped back.......stopped controlling ....the better it got.
complicated marital issues take time to sort.......
god be with you both...................
It may be worth mentioning that my mind after two weeks sober was still all over the place.
Problems seemed huge.........fears were unfounded.....etc.
Give it a while....
im married........we been through some tuff times over the years......and id try to control and manipulated the outcome........and make problem worse.
the more i stepped back.......stopped controlling ....the better it got.
complicated marital issues take time to sort.......
god be with you both...................
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
I understand where you are coming from, C23. As sick as this sounds, for many years I knowingly and unknowingly put up with my husband's flaws because he put up with my drinking. In fact, I often used his flaws as an excuse TO drink. Now that I am sober, we have to deal with these issues head on and I am working a lot on my stuff as well. But I agree with the others that it takes time. Our partners put up with a LOT for a long time and we can't expect miracles over night. That being said, I think communication is critical and patience necessary.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 118
The next thing I am noticing is we really don't do anything together. She reads a book and i mess around on the computer most nights. We really don't engage in conversation, don't play Yahtzee together (not like we ever have), nothing. I feel we really don't want to be around eachother. Once again, I used to think this was all the booze. When I try and start up a conversation, it seems like I am pulling teeth to get a response. WTF is going on with that?
Maybe conversation is difficult because you don't want to be together in this moment. This is "you" time. At some point, you're going to do something together -- eat breakfast or go shopping or something. No need to push things.
If I were you, I would do anything to save my marriage. Mine's gone, and I miss it.
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