Just because they are clean, doesn't mean everything gets better...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
Just because they are clean, doesn't mean everything gets better...
My ABF came out of jail in April, still clean, but nothing changed. I asked him to get a sponsor and go to meetings and all he does is sleep. No job, nothing. (He is with his mom's.) He is in a very deep depression. (His grandma passed away a little over a month ago.) I understand that can bring anyone down, but nothing has changed. I am convinced he is still clean, but he does nothing, so I look at it as a ticking time bomb. He says he is depressed, and I tell him to do something about it and he just grunts. I am tired and lonely. I waited for him to come out, and had realistic expectations. I am so sad and disappointed. I told him I don't see a future in our life because of lack of doing anything. He said he is really depressed and he will do something, I just need to give him time. I feel I've waited so long for him to get his life in order. I just can't wait. I am 32 years old and feel I wasted any chance of getting married, having children, and a good life. I spent so much time on waiting for him. He told him we would talk about it and never called back. I am taking this as he is breaking it off. I confess I did call back, once yesterday and once today. No answer and I left no message. We never went more then a day without talking, now it has been two and I just see the days adding up.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
LB - More later, but I just wanted to say that I 100% agree with you. Just because they're clean doesn't mean that that rainbow that we've waited for FOREVER is there. Recovery takes LOTS of work. Meetings, sponsors, possible anti-d's etc. But if they don't do the work they're just miserable SOB's to be around.
You are 32 - it will most likely take him years to get right if ever without the recovery steps in place. It sounds like he's a ticking timebomb waiting for a relapse. You're young and if you want that happy life with a husband and kids, I'd rethink the whole relationship. Just as your sig line says "insanity - thinking and/or doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." That is true in recovery as well. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Just 'cause they're clean doesn't = a happy R. I can 100% attest to that right now. Hugs to you, it's tough.
You are 32 - it will most likely take him years to get right if ever without the recovery steps in place. It sounds like he's a ticking timebomb waiting for a relapse. You're young and if you want that happy life with a husband and kids, I'd rethink the whole relationship. Just as your sig line says "insanity - thinking and/or doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." That is true in recovery as well. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Just 'cause they're clean doesn't = a happy R. I can 100% attest to that right now. Hugs to you, it's tough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
It's almost as if I feel that there should have been some sort of reward for putting up with all of this. Just like you work hard in school, your employment and your body you get good results. I worked so hard in this relationship and obtained wasted time and regret.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Hey, i'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like he has some serious issues phycologically to work out before he can started recovering more than he has done.
From what i've heard, it takes a LOT of work to stay in recovery and i hope he starts doing something about his depression soon.
It's up to you to decide how long you want to keep waiting.
I wish i could offer some more advice, but there are more people here with more knowlege i believe.
But good luck either way.
~Limiya~
From what i've heard, it takes a LOT of work to stay in recovery and i hope he starts doing something about his depression soon.
It's up to you to decide how long you want to keep waiting.
I wish i could offer some more advice, but there are more people here with more knowlege i believe.
But good luck either way.
~Limiya~
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by littlebird77 
It's almost as if I feel that there should have been some sort of reward for putting up with all of this. Just like you work hard in school, your employment and your body you get good results. I worked so hard in this relationship and obtained wasted time and regret.
Recovery takes a lot of hard work, and until your really ready to start on that part of it, your just not ready. The reasons that made us start using are now multiplied.
He said he is really depressed and he will do something, I just need to give him time. I feel I've waited so long for him to get his life in order. I just can't wait. I am 32 years old and feel I wasted any chance of getting married, having children, and a good life. I spent so much time on waiting for him.
if you want to start new and fresh go do it! His drug use and him does not take away from you having a good life the only one who can do that is you. _Don't give him or anyone in your life that kind of power over you.
Your young and you have another 70 years possibly to live.
He didn't take anything away from you..
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
Originally Posted by littlebird77
It's almost as if I feel that there should have been some sort of reward for putting up with all of this. Just like you work hard in school, your employment and your body you get good results. I worked so hard in this relationship and obtained wasted time and regret.
I'm thinking of you because it isn't easy!
hmm....
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Leeds, UK
Posts: 45
From what you post and not hearing him (and also not offering medical adive)
It does sound like he is completely depressed.
If it is how it is when I am completely depressed it is becuase he is avoiding your question.
Not purposefully... he would probably like to answer you but...
He is probably so depressed he doesn't know wether to sink or swim and so giving answers to questions is more complex than it seems.
He might be over his anitial recovery but it's gonna take some egg shell walking plus some supportive words to make him realise self anihilastion is hard, harder on others and sitting around thinking about it rather than acting on it is JUST an easier way cus im sure he's tormented.
It does sound like he is completely depressed.
If it is how it is when I am completely depressed it is becuase he is avoiding your question.
Not purposefully... he would probably like to answer you but...
He is probably so depressed he doesn't know wether to sink or swim and so giving answers to questions is more complex than it seems.
He might be over his anitial recovery but it's gonna take some egg shell walking plus some supportive words to make him realise self anihilastion is hard, harder on others and sitting around thinking about it rather than acting on it is JUST an easier way cus im sure he's tormented.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Poster Cynical One created a good thread on the topic of a return on our investment. Here is a link to it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...vestments.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...vestments.html
Optimist
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Originally Posted by aah1977
God, I can't agree anymore with this statement! You are so right that just because they get clean they don't necessarily get better. My RAH has been clean 6 months and he is harder to get along with now than before addiction or during his using. It is hard! My husband is better in that he isn't using, but the issues are still there.
I'm thinking of you because it isn't easy!
I'm thinking of you because it isn't easy!
So no advice to share, but I can commiserate at the very least...
Daisy
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Hey there littlebird~
I understand the position you are in very well. I am also 32 years old and have been "waiting" for my abf to give up his addiction so we can finally move forward. I've talked to lots of people about how I feel and keep being reminded that a lot of people are waiting later in life to have kids these days. It's not at all uncommon to have kids into your late 30's anymore. But it is a hard decision how long to stay and when to go. I'm trying to make that decision right now too. So, I don't really have any good advice for you seeing as I'm struggling right now too, but wanted to say that it's not too late to have everything you've wanted.
I understand the position you are in very well. I am also 32 years old and have been "waiting" for my abf to give up his addiction so we can finally move forward. I've talked to lots of people about how I feel and keep being reminded that a lot of people are waiting later in life to have kids these days. It's not at all uncommon to have kids into your late 30's anymore. But it is a hard decision how long to stay and when to go. I'm trying to make that decision right now too. So, I don't really have any good advice for you seeing as I'm struggling right now too, but wanted to say that it's not too late to have everything you've wanted.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
I've got just over 23 months sober, and I still consider myself to be in early recovery.
Your ABF has 2-3 months.
I've never met anyone that can change a lifetime of habits and behaviors in 2-3 YEARS, let alone 2-3 months.
Your ABF has 2-3 months.
I've never met anyone that can change a lifetime of habits and behaviors in 2-3 YEARS, let alone 2-3 months.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Littlebird))
I thought I had posted on this thread the other day, but I guess it got lost in cyberspace.
Anyway, I understand how you're feeling. Yes, he IS in early recovery, and he DOES sound depressed, but there are still things he can do about this and it doesn't mean you have to just sit around and wait for him to get better.
As far as the depression, has he seen a dr? If he is clinically depressed, it's not going to get better just waiting it out. I can't remember what he used, but coming clean from some drugs does take quite a while for the brain to get adjusted, and the A feels pretty depressed.
Recovery doesn't give us A's the license to sit around and do nothing. Most of that post on this forum either were already working, or went out and got jobs pretty darned fast after we got clean. We didn't have the luxury of having someone pay our bills.
As far as you feeling like you should get a reward for putting up with all his stuff? I totally get that, too. However, after I got to working, really hard, on my codie-ness, I had to admit that he really didn't do much to me that I didn't allow. Yes, maybe the FIRST time, but all the times after that? Yeah, I allowed it. It was a very bitter pill to swallow, for me, and it took a long, long time to do it, but once I did, I was able to move forward.
Big hugs and prayers!
Amy
I thought I had posted on this thread the other day, but I guess it got lost in cyberspace.
Anyway, I understand how you're feeling. Yes, he IS in early recovery, and he DOES sound depressed, but there are still things he can do about this and it doesn't mean you have to just sit around and wait for him to get better.
As far as the depression, has he seen a dr? If he is clinically depressed, it's not going to get better just waiting it out. I can't remember what he used, but coming clean from some drugs does take quite a while for the brain to get adjusted, and the A feels pretty depressed.
Recovery doesn't give us A's the license to sit around and do nothing. Most of that post on this forum either were already working, or went out and got jobs pretty darned fast after we got clean. We didn't have the luxury of having someone pay our bills.
As far as you feeling like you should get a reward for putting up with all his stuff? I totally get that, too. However, after I got to working, really hard, on my codie-ness, I had to admit that he really didn't do much to me that I didn't allow. Yes, maybe the FIRST time, but all the times after that? Yeah, I allowed it. It was a very bitter pill to swallow, for me, and it took a long, long time to do it, but once I did, I was able to move forward.
Big hugs and prayers!
Amy
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Here is a thought, you take a break for a year live apart and move on and see if you want to go back to what he has to offer. 9/10 chances will tell the tale of you starting a phenomenal awesome happy life and him kicking himself for running you off?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
my experience has been what cynical one spoke about. My husband has been clean for almost 4 years now and it has been an amazingly difficult journey for me. I feel like I've been in a crazy war zone for most of that time......I truly had no idea that the drugs and alcohol were "but a symptom" of the real disease - the one of the spirit. We are just now beginning to reach a place of some stability. For us - the only thing that made a difference is when I fully stood up for my needs and became willing to walk (run) away from this relationship and absolutely mean it. I guess that the reason I put up with all of it for so long was that I was so invested in having this relationship and it working. All I can control is whether I will stick around for whatever behavior. For me, it can't be a threat to leave if something doesn't improve....it has to be a fact now. Not a pleasant way to live.
For a long time I felt like I did deserve some kind of reward for sticking it all out. Turns out that that is not true. I signed myself up for this journey and this was my own doing. I don't deserve a reward I deserve a long spell in counselling and recovery meetings to seek understanding of why I didn't value myself more and have better boundaries. I was a marytr and I now realize that there is absolutely no reward in that. The same person that has treated me with disregard and disrespect is unlikely to be the person that can appreciate my sticking by him through thick and thin. When he was using he was actually more appreciative (intermittantly though) of me because he was invested in keeping the drug addiction going and the appreciation was what it took to do that. Now - he has no active addiction to protect so less incentive to keep me happy.
What has helped me is working on me and really staying in the steps, a lot of prayer, and a whole lot of chair time in meetings. I was traumatized by going through all of this and I've done a lot of work on settling my nervous system down as well through body therapy and counseling. It took me a long time to get where I was ready to walk away and I don't know how anyone can speed that process up...it takes what it takes. I've always said that water seeks it's own level.....that has been the case in my relationship. My husband has been a tough one to deal with and my willingness to stick around and take it has been a tough one to deal with as well. I know that I have to change every bit as much as he needs to......
you are not alone and it has helped me to know that I am not alone. Sometimes I have felt guilty because I heard the pain and anguish in those whose loved ones are still using - I felt like I shouldn't be complaining about sobriety. Stopping the drug use is truly just the first step of a really really really long road.
For a long time I felt like I did deserve some kind of reward for sticking it all out. Turns out that that is not true. I signed myself up for this journey and this was my own doing. I don't deserve a reward I deserve a long spell in counselling and recovery meetings to seek understanding of why I didn't value myself more and have better boundaries. I was a marytr and I now realize that there is absolutely no reward in that. The same person that has treated me with disregard and disrespect is unlikely to be the person that can appreciate my sticking by him through thick and thin. When he was using he was actually more appreciative (intermittantly though) of me because he was invested in keeping the drug addiction going and the appreciation was what it took to do that. Now - he has no active addiction to protect so less incentive to keep me happy.
What has helped me is working on me and really staying in the steps, a lot of prayer, and a whole lot of chair time in meetings. I was traumatized by going through all of this and I've done a lot of work on settling my nervous system down as well through body therapy and counseling. It took me a long time to get where I was ready to walk away and I don't know how anyone can speed that process up...it takes what it takes. I've always said that water seeks it's own level.....that has been the case in my relationship. My husband has been a tough one to deal with and my willingness to stick around and take it has been a tough one to deal with as well. I know that I have to change every bit as much as he needs to......
you are not alone and it has helped me to know that I am not alone. Sometimes I have felt guilty because I heard the pain and anguish in those whose loved ones are still using - I felt like I shouldn't be complaining about sobriety. Stopping the drug use is truly just the first step of a really really really long road.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Depression is pretty common when early in recovery - the brain is readjusting to not having the chemical happiness and he has to learn how to be happy sober. top it off with sleeping all day and of course he is depressed. i'd be depressed if that's all i did all day too.
but even understanding his depression doesnt help - just as he is responsible to find his happiness so are we all. My son went through this stage and i had to just seek my own happiness which was not dependant upon him.
for the statement of "should be some award" well - i've felt that too - especially with AS - seriously how much does a mom have to do for her son. but in the end i realized it was my choice to stand by him - i felt like i had no choice but i did. so no awards for any of us here because this is what we chose to do.
but even understanding his depression doesnt help - just as he is responsible to find his happiness so are we all. My son went through this stage and i had to just seek my own happiness which was not dependant upon him.
for the statement of "should be some award" well - i've felt that too - especially with AS - seriously how much does a mom have to do for her son. but in the end i realized it was my choice to stand by him - i felt like i had no choice but i did. so no awards for any of us here because this is what we chose to do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Why should anything change? He went from jail to his mother's where it seems nothing is expected of him?
I agree that depression is a part of early recovery, but I didn't even have time to be depressed. I hit the streets as soon as I got out of rehab, landed a full-time job as a nurses' aid in a week, and was supporting myself and my oldest daughter.
I was also attending meetings 4-5 times a week, had two sponsors, and went to my monthly aftercare meeting at the rehab.
He may be abstaining, but he's far from 'recovery'.
I agree that depression is a part of early recovery, but I didn't even have time to be depressed. I hit the streets as soon as I got out of rehab, landed a full-time job as a nurses' aid in a week, and was supporting myself and my oldest daughter.
I was also attending meetings 4-5 times a week, had two sponsors, and went to my monthly aftercare meeting at the rehab.
He may be abstaining, but he's far from 'recovery'.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Posts: 61
There is so much more to an addict than just the addiction. Cynical One said it great. There are underlying issues... which is why addiction is so hard.
My abf was in prison for his stupidity - and the choices he made. He was high with a gf and they decided to rob a store, steel his neighbor's truck and then she stole the keys to a customer's house (she was a house cleaner of all things) and they robbed the customer and the business. He went away for 6 years. Came out with the same issues as when he went in.
Through many conversations with him, there are standards and rules in prison. And these are not set by the guards. They are set by those who control the yards. Being locked up does not fix the person. It is merely a punishment for the crime. It's like the child who is spanked for hitting his little brother. The only thing he has learned is to not get caught the next time.
I'll be 32 this year as well and have done the marriage (divorced for 3 yrs) and have 2 kids with another on the way. I thought I had love when I met my abf. You know, I did have love. But there was a secret lingering in the background that was well kept. I too feel that I have run the marathon with this man and my only return is grief, poverty and anger. A much worse state than when I met him. This is what holds me to letting go. I cannot continue down this path of devastation and destruction. My children deserve the life I started to give them following my divorce. I deserve the life I was working toward before him. And I am going for it.
Yes, I'm broke. Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I'm angry as hell. But never underestimate the motivational powers of anger. It has given me the ability to stop helping him and help myself.
I was watching a pretty great tv show this morning - bored and awake at the crack of dawn - called The Cleaner. In the show, the guy says to a client, "He's taken your money and you've lost that. He's losing his family. He's losing his job. I can't guarantee with all that he has lost that he has hit bottom yet." So very true. Just because they've lost what we hold as important in our lives does not mean they see the same. They've not hit bottom. I know my abf has not. No where near it. When he ends up in prison again - which I know is coming - then maybe a small ray of light will shine on him. I will not be there if and when that happens.
You're life is not wasted and you have time to live it to the fullest. Make each day count for you. It's your life to with what you want. Good or bad, it's your decision. And only your decision. He cannot make you do anything. In the end, what ever you do, it's your decision.
Hang in there and be strong. Find your inner strength and latch on to it. Use it like his addiction uses him - with everything you got.
My abf was in prison for his stupidity - and the choices he made. He was high with a gf and they decided to rob a store, steel his neighbor's truck and then she stole the keys to a customer's house (she was a house cleaner of all things) and they robbed the customer and the business. He went away for 6 years. Came out with the same issues as when he went in.
Through many conversations with him, there are standards and rules in prison. And these are not set by the guards. They are set by those who control the yards. Being locked up does not fix the person. It is merely a punishment for the crime. It's like the child who is spanked for hitting his little brother. The only thing he has learned is to not get caught the next time.
I'll be 32 this year as well and have done the marriage (divorced for 3 yrs) and have 2 kids with another on the way. I thought I had love when I met my abf. You know, I did have love. But there was a secret lingering in the background that was well kept. I too feel that I have run the marathon with this man and my only return is grief, poverty and anger. A much worse state than when I met him. This is what holds me to letting go. I cannot continue down this path of devastation and destruction. My children deserve the life I started to give them following my divorce. I deserve the life I was working toward before him. And I am going for it.
Yes, I'm broke. Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I'm angry as hell. But never underestimate the motivational powers of anger. It has given me the ability to stop helping him and help myself.
I was watching a pretty great tv show this morning - bored and awake at the crack of dawn - called The Cleaner. In the show, the guy says to a client, "He's taken your money and you've lost that. He's losing his family. He's losing his job. I can't guarantee with all that he has lost that he has hit bottom yet." So very true. Just because they've lost what we hold as important in our lives does not mean they see the same. They've not hit bottom. I know my abf has not. No where near it. When he ends up in prison again - which I know is coming - then maybe a small ray of light will shine on him. I will not be there if and when that happens.
You're life is not wasted and you have time to live it to the fullest. Make each day count for you. It's your life to with what you want. Good or bad, it's your decision. And only your decision. He cannot make you do anything. In the end, what ever you do, it's your decision.
Hang in there and be strong. Find your inner strength and latch on to it. Use it like his addiction uses him - with everything you got.
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