ellima01

wishing this divorce thing hadn't been such a shock to me. How could AH tell me he loves me and then tell me he needs a divorce? We were in Florida less than 5 weeks ago reconnecting after this last rehab- it was the most wonderful time- I thought our relationship was so good and 5 weeks later here I am alone and sad-- and mad. How does this happen?

tallulah

Five days before I left... my ex was crying, saying he didn't think he wanted me to go, buying me flowers and cooking me one of my favourite meals.

Five days later he hates me, he berates me, he sneers at me, he calls me names, he tells me he wanted the relationship over 7 months earlier and puts me in hospital and himself in jail.

You could spend the rest of your life trying to figure it out...tie yourself up in knots and make yourself crazy in the process.

It's an emotional rollercoaster.. and while it feels horrible and bewildering you are off it. Right now you may not feel like it.. but it is probably the nicest thing he has ever done for you.

I really recommend getting into counselling and Al-anon.. I had all these confused feelings until I started to talk them out with someone qualified to guide me through.

Take one moment at a time. Put one step in front of the other. Feel your feelings don't hide them or stuff them. It has been just over two months now for me.. and I'm much much better. I'm not 'there' yet but I can't tell you how good it feels to be off the rollercoaster. You will feel better.. I can pretty much promise it.

Keep coming back.. :ghug

nowwhat

Alcoholics are fundamentally unstable people, and we become unstable, too, in our relationships with them.

Seeking stability from unstable situations will always result in confusion and pain.

So sorry you are hurting.

gowest

Like you, many of us were in relationships where the A said they loved us, we were their soulmate, gave us cards, chocolates, and I love you pillows and then in a matter of days ended it.

My exabf ended our relationship over the phone abruptly and between us we have 5 kids who never said "goodbye" or had any type of closure. His are younger than mine and I spent a lot of time alone with them and miss them terribly too. I have no idea where they think I went or what happened to the extensive plans we made.

My therapist keeps reminding me:

An active addict (remember they can be "active" but "dry") has no self-love, if you can't love yourself you can't really love any one else either. So while things may have seemed great it wasn't real.

There is a really good sticky at the top of the F & F substance abuse forum entitled what addicts do. I re-read it whenever I start to feel like you do and it helps.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

I'm sorry. It is heartbreaking in so many ways. I don't know if you can take comfort in the fact that so many of us have this shared experience.

bluejay6

My experience has been, in my own history and others I have known, that the alcoholic takes a sadistic pleasure in our suffering, when he flips on us.....vowing eternal love one day then abruptly discarding us the next.

This is sociopathic behavior, narcissistic personality disorder behavior, borderline personality disorder behavior......it is the complete and utter lack of feeling for another human being.

Our experience of this is a confrontation with absolute human darkness, and it leaves us shaken to our core.

It takes a long time to recover from this.

We are emotionally and spiritually gutted because of the insane flip from the "loving man" to the "animal."

It takes a long time to heal from this, ellima, but do not believe in any way this is a "relationship issue".

This is the pure evil of addiction.

Freedom1990

I like what Dr. Phil says about the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

You stated in an earlier thread that he had been to rehab several times during the course of your relationship with him.

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I know the pain and disappointment well. My EXAH relapsed straight out of rehab.

I had pinned my hopes on a miracle, when in fact, his past track record would have shown me the odds were slim to non-existant.

:ghug :ghug

TakingCharge999

Hi ellima! I am working too! so you are not alone.

Also known as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. It hurts so much to think all those good times were not real at all - or perhaps they were? With an addicted person you can go mad trying to sort out the real from the unreal.

But if you think about yourself, there were good times you can cherish, there are great life lessons you are learning... this experience is real to you, and that is all that matters.
You have the best traits of him in you, and in this way the best version of him will always be alive. I hope compassion for him and for you fill your heart.

Addicted people many times live in the future and are totally blind to the hurt they are causing others (they can drink any time guilt creeps in and all is well). Oftentimes all these people end up alone, and it is after creating much, much more sadness and destruction that pain forces them to start looking at the past, often with regret... and that is when they can actually see things as we are seeing them now.

It really is a ship sinking, and you need to abandon it.. it really IS a matter of life and death. Give this love-hate dynamic round of hatred and of alcohol, and the hurt to you is not only emotional but physical - many times ending up in death.

Although I know you are hurting, this is for the best.. time will prove this is for the best .Hang in there and put yourself in God's hands.