I Keep Expecting Failure
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
I Keep Expecting Failure
So, as many know my daughter is home after a self-requested rehab and a stay in an SLE. She is 19. She has a job and will go to school in the Fall.
The problem is that I expect her to relapse. I have a friend who is a RA who talks about slipping. Does that mean use and then not again, jumping right back into a program of recovery? I understand that if my daughter were not active in recovery, not trying, using, not attending meetings, not trying to recover that she would no longer be allowed in my home (although, it is so hard to ask someone 19 to leave), but what if it is a slip and afterwards actively tries to recover and work a program of recovery?
I see so many steps forward. She is working, going to a Junior College, hanging with friends who aren't using, etc. I see so much progress, so many steps forward. What if she takes many steps forward and one backwards? Do I then kick her out of the home and then she no longer has the opportunity for college?
I know that many of you have children and read that many of these children don't want to seek treatment. But what do I do with one who has admitted her problem, checked herself into treatment, but falters?
The problem is that I expect her to relapse. I have a friend who is a RA who talks about slipping. Does that mean use and then not again, jumping right back into a program of recovery? I understand that if my daughter were not active in recovery, not trying, using, not attending meetings, not trying to recover that she would no longer be allowed in my home (although, it is so hard to ask someone 19 to leave), but what if it is a slip and afterwards actively tries to recover and work a program of recovery?
I see so many steps forward. She is working, going to a Junior College, hanging with friends who aren't using, etc. I see so much progress, so many steps forward. What if she takes many steps forward and one backwards? Do I then kick her out of the home and then she no longer has the opportunity for college?
I know that many of you have children and read that many of these children don't want to seek treatment. But what do I do with one who has admitted her problem, checked herself into treatment, but falters?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Marlie,
I have been thinking about this myself, for when my son comes home. I think the bottom line is you do what is right for you. If she slips and gets right back up again, don't we all fall at times. As long as she is trying to stay clean and working a program I would feel comfortable with that, but it is how you feel and what your willing to live with. I know it is scary and you are worried about her, but she sounds like she is doing well. Try to get to a meeting and put the focus back on you........I know it is hard to do. Julie
I have been thinking about this myself, for when my son comes home. I think the bottom line is you do what is right for you. If she slips and gets right back up again, don't we all fall at times. As long as she is trying to stay clean and working a program I would feel comfortable with that, but it is how you feel and what your willing to live with. I know it is scary and you are worried about her, but she sounds like she is doing well. Try to get to a meeting and put the focus back on you........I know it is hard to do. Julie
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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I have been thinking about my two older girls at the same age (they are now 28 and 30). Both at 19 were trouble. The oldest used to drink more than I would have liked. I used to wonder if she had a drinking problem. Had I kicked her out of the house if it had been determined that she was an alchoholic and not sought treatment ( she isn't and rarely drinks now) would she had been able to stay in school and complete her masters degree? I don't think so. The middle daughter never used drugs but had a really bad attitude at 19 and was incredibly difficult to live with. If I had kicked her out would she have achieved her bachelors degree in statistics and now be in medical school? I don't think so. I think she would have gone and lived with her loser of a boy friend at the time. Then I have been thinking of me at 19. I was in a junior college, never went, got incompletes in most of my classes, used to drink a bit and partied too much. If my mom and dad had kicked me out, would I have finished college? I don't think so.
I still expect the slip though from my youngest.
Are the steps forward in the right direction what I should focus on? She is so happy at her job. She says she is the best bagger at the grocery store and is really so proud of herself. I must say my first daughters would have been too proud to bag groceries. I don't know, it is so hard to watch your children make mistakes and know what is best to do as a parent.
I still expect the slip though from my youngest.
Are the steps forward in the right direction what I should focus on? She is so happy at her job. She says she is the best bagger at the grocery store and is really so proud of herself. I must say my first daughters would have been too proud to bag groceries. I don't know, it is so hard to watch your children make mistakes and know what is best to do as a parent.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Marlie)))
I am a recovering addict who did slip/relapse. For a week, I was back out there, thinking only of getting high.
I'm way older than your daughter, but I'm still living at home because of the financial ruin I put myself in. I came back home after my relapse. It was made clear to me, that I had to find a job QUICK! I had bounced checks, and was about to lose my car because I didn't have the money for a payment...dad covered the checks and the car payment. Every bit of this is exactly what you parents are taught NOT to do for us addicts.
However, for whatever reason, this was my bottom. I went to work with dad within a week, got another job in 3 weeks, and had paid him back every cent I owed him within 6 weeks.
I knew that this was my last chance with my dad. He had been "this close" to calling my probation officer and having me locked up and sent to prison, just to get me off the streets and safe.
I guess my only advice would be that if she were to slip, continue to watch her actions. Those of us who are focused on recovery will bounce back rather quickly and our actions will show it.
I can only imagine how hard it is for you moms (and dads) of us A's. May HP give you all special bleesings.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am a recovering addict who did slip/relapse. For a week, I was back out there, thinking only of getting high.
I'm way older than your daughter, but I'm still living at home because of the financial ruin I put myself in. I came back home after my relapse. It was made clear to me, that I had to find a job QUICK! I had bounced checks, and was about to lose my car because I didn't have the money for a payment...dad covered the checks and the car payment. Every bit of this is exactly what you parents are taught NOT to do for us addicts.
However, for whatever reason, this was my bottom. I went to work with dad within a week, got another job in 3 weeks, and had paid him back every cent I owed him within 6 weeks.
I knew that this was my last chance with my dad. He had been "this close" to calling my probation officer and having me locked up and sent to prison, just to get me off the streets and safe.
I guess my only advice would be that if she were to slip, continue to watch her actions. Those of us who are focused on recovery will bounce back rather quickly and our actions will show it.
I can only imagine how hard it is for you moms (and dads) of us A's. May HP give you all special bleesings.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Take life one day at a time.
Stay away from fear, doubt & worry.
My son relapsed 2 x while in rehab. Luckily, they let him cont. bec. now he has a yr. sober.
remember, progress...not perfection. Sounds like your daughter is working at recovery, good for her.
Stay away from fear, doubt & worry.
My son relapsed 2 x while in rehab. Luckily, they let him cont. bec. now he has a yr. sober.
remember, progress...not perfection. Sounds like your daughter is working at recovery, good for her.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker 
Take life one day at a time.
Stay away from fear, doubt & worry.
remember, progress...not perfection. Sounds like your daughter is working at recovery, good for her.
Stay away from fear, doubt & worry.
remember, progress...not perfection. Sounds like your daughter is working at recovery, good for her.
I will remember this ... progress, not perfection.
Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. It really helps!
I wish I could stop worrying about her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Fear is absence of faith. I can't pray and worry at the same time.
When I am worrying, I am telling God I don't trust him enough to be confident his plan is at work.
My mother is a chronic worrier. If there isn't something to worry about, she'll find something. It has taken a toll on her health, and that hurts my heart.
When I am worrying, I am telling God I don't trust him enough to be confident his plan is at work.
My mother is a chronic worrier. If there isn't something to worry about, she'll find something. It has taken a toll on her health, and that hurts my heart.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Worry never changed the outcome, for me, and was just a wasted emotion.
Like Freedom, I replace fear with faith that life is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to. Then I proceed to just enjoy the day, embrace the beauty, and let God run the rest of the universe.
Hugs
Like Freedom, I replace fear with faith that life is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to. Then I proceed to just enjoy the day, embrace the beauty, and let God run the rest of the universe.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
anything can happen to any of us at anytime. We can live our lives with fear in our heart and miss out on the great things that life has to offer. we know we could get hit by a car but if we never walk across the street then we are limiting our lives. so we take it one day at a time - today your daughter wants recovery so when those dark thoughts hit you just think about that instead and be grateful. dont waste precious moments worrying about tomorrow - tomorrow will worry about itself.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Marlie,
I understand how you feel, my 19 yr old is still clean. I too, worry about relapsing every day. But every time i come home and see his smile, I am grateful. I would not want to go back to 6 mos ago, or for you, a year ago, while she was using. I find comfort in taking advantage of every day that he is clean.............and encourage him and support him. I plan to enjoy every moment, and hope you do too.............
I understand how you feel, my 19 yr old is still clean. I too, worry about relapsing every day. But every time i come home and see his smile, I am grateful. I would not want to go back to 6 mos ago, or for you, a year ago, while she was using. I find comfort in taking advantage of every day that he is clean.............and encourage him and support him. I plan to enjoy every moment, and hope you do too.............
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
I have the same fears and concerns about my 20yo son. He has been home from rehab for a few weeks and has slipped once. We sat him down and talked to him again and I told him I was done with his crap, not him, but his crap. Since then he has been ok but I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and I think I will for a VERY LONG TIME. I guess it all goes back to trust. It takes a second to destroy it but forever to rebuild it. I don't have any answers but know that you aren't the only one who feels this way.
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