whiskerkissed

...for the right reason! I had to bait this one. Sorry!!

But it's been playing he*ll with my still obsessive thinking and the desire to still get high. I had gotten a cracked rib and still had to work in the factory. Scrip strength ibuprofen is a joke. This is one time when something stronger had to be taken, but I've been ridin' the edge so long I was sure I would never make it. And I had to be in control of my own drugs while at work. I brought with me no more than I thought I would need on a bad day. The most difficult part has been - am I taking it because I think it hurts bad enough - or my disease thinks it hurts bad enough? OH the stories that ran through my head for excuses to take more!!

I've worn out the phone to other members and my new sponsor, read, read and read in my literature, and prayed probably more honestly and earnestly since I began the program almost 8 months ago. I had felt like I was going to crack completely apart. I was a total whack-o and control was not mine! Flaky doesn't even come close to explaining my state of mind.

I made it...and not by myself. If it was left to me I would have done f*cked up! Thanks to SR - I was guided to NA and use the program and have found a strength in an HP I never thought possible.

I still have the meds...just in case for next week, but they mess with my head knowing they're here. As soon as I know I don't need them - down the toilet they go. I'll still probably wonder if the 10 second rule will apply to toilet water this time, too...but they have to go for whatever little bit of recovery I have to stay in tact...

Aysha

GRRRR!!! I was like..OH NOOOOO!! Dont you have like 15 yrs clean?
I felt my heart drop when I read the title.
Shame shame!!
Glad it wasnt like I thought. I hardly come in this forum and you got my attention.

milksnake

hey there whisker.... good job not taking them. I was addicted to oxycontin for 7 years. Taking up to 400mg a day. Getting them on the street. I kicked and was clean for 12 years, then recently had a total hip replacement surgery in February of this year. Well, you can guess what happened. Yep...re-addicted. I was sent home with a bunch of percs. After a few weeks of legitimate pain that required narcotics, I was telling myself my hip still hurt enough to take narcotics, when deep down I knew it didn't. This time around I knew what to expect as I went cold turkey........again, and, well, to make a long story short, it's been 3 weeks now since any pain killers. I still feel a little rough but I know it will get better. However, I did it exactly like I did last time. Some folks can't do this, but it works great for me. I kept a full bottle of percs always with me. You see, part of the withdrawals, for me anyway, is severe paranoia that something serious will come up that I need to take care of, something that requires I don't be sick with withdrawals. So, I kept these pills with me just in case. This way, the paranoia doesn't bother me. Now, when I got to the point where the paranoia quit....about 2 weeks after quitting, I threw away the pills. Again, good going not taking the dope, and good luck continuing your recovery....

TTOSBT

Hi WK!!!! :ghug
I am SO glad that are ok. I also worried as soon as I saw the title.
That says a LOT about your recovery that you have been able to stay hoenst.
You go girl!

Freedom1990

Ouch! My dad cracked several ribs when I was still living at home, and I know how painful that was for him!

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I know after my hernia surgery and finishing my pain meds, I was still nuts for about a month. Thank God for the phone, a sponsor, a loving God, and I was back to meetings the week after surgery!

:ghug :ghug

change4penny

Whisker

Wow, I feel for ya! A cracked rib is no joke! Very, very painful. I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict with just under 7 months clean. I can't imagine how I handle your situation.
Hang in there, one minute, one hour, one day at a time!

Penny

Aysha

Oh yea..you had me so relieved it was bunk that I forgot to say I hope you get better. And good job on being honest and all that.

whiskerkissed

LOL...I already apologized Chi!! I'm glad it got your attention, though. You needed to come back and slum for awhile. Like I should be talking! I'm just so busy with work, the animals and focusing on recovery in the real world my cyber world suffers.

No...now that I'm working a program and see how I was never really clean - it was a perceived 16 yrs, but I was eating OTC speed (ephedra,stackers and the likes)/caffeine like M&Ms before I went into real addictive addicton with the painkillers.

Milksnake - good for you on your cleantime!! I seriously would be in a bad way with the percs hangin' around, too. I'm a simple garbage can. If I think it's there even though I know it's no good for me my disease wants it. Hell...I even drank liquid hydrocodone prescribed for the dog!

I'm trying my best to "let go and let God" (of my understanding of course). I gotta jet. I need some food before tonight's year b-day celebration for one of our members and McD's dollar menu is right up my pocketbook!

Stagebear

whisker---as someone who has recently "been there and done that" with the needed meds, may I make a suggestion? Get rid of them sooner than later. I took them for five days after my surgery, less than the suggested prescription...and they, as you said, took up a ton of room in my head. When I stopped them I had a night of minor w/d symptoms (restless leg and lack of sleep) and it took me a couple of days to feel right again. It was an horrific reminder of what could have been.
I freely admit the fantasy of taking more crossed my mind, as I was less than 90 days clean when this occured. But, I had a a plan. The meds were locked in my home and my partner kept the key. He left me one pill for the period during the day when he was at work. More than once I debated about taking it...too much head room surrendered to drugs again.
Just my experience. I hope it helps.

krissypissy

well done WK....i was sitting here thinking that if you DO decide the time is right to flush em, just use the toilet before you toss em...that 10 second rule wont seem too reasonable under those conditions! i commend you for using the resources you have and most importantly for being real with yourself and admitting you are where you are....keep it up, im proud of you--take care

whiskerkissed

Thank you Bear~
They're taking up space in my head for sure. I even felt a little "fluey" after stopping them after a couple of days. Good reminder indeed.

Lenina

Hey, Whiskerkissed!

I sure hope you're feeling better! And I'm glad your program is working! I've missed you! Check in when you can, you are much missed here!

Love,

Lenina

JustAYak

Don't play with me like that
I don't really have much to say.. but I dropped in to say hi because I hadn't seen you in a while.

bval

HI WK ...

I've missed you, glad you're doing okay ... still clean, that's whats most important, really. Be careful, though, kay?

And hang out with us more often

whiskerkissed

Thanks everyone. I'm gonna be honest here...I've been pretty f*cked in the head lately. Was tying up loose ends on Monday so I didn't have any ties left in the program so I could leave it all. My disease is hardcore and hard hitting - all the time I'm exhausted. I don't use tools - I use weapons. It's a war everyday to fight the desire to get high. I was done. F*ck the literature, f*ck the meetings, f*ck it. I was NOT getting through another day without getting blown out, shagged down or highly intoxicated in some way. I didn't have the strength anymore.

I was taking one of the guys some money I owed him from selling a movie for him on eBay. I may be a drug addict, but I do have some conscience. I have money in the bank - I don't need yours yet. He held me "hostage" just by talking for the next 5 hours.

This desire is so strong it still has the power to bring me to my knees. It has the power to make me blow chow.

I had done a qick prayer to whatever the f*ck is there one last time just before leaving work - do for me what I can't do for myself cuz I'm getting high. I was given this guy. He even talked me into flushing the pills. I'm still in a state where I'm not sure the program is really working for me. Yes...I'm still clean another day. My fingernails hurt from hanging on waiting for this desire to be lifted.

My sponsor says I tend to complicate things too much. I'm supposed to write what "surrender" means to me. H*ll...I'm an old war horse. I've been a scrapper, fought for a lot of things both right and wrong. I lived a biker lifestyle for a lot of years - still carry those behaviors and look the part. Surrender myself completely is a concept I have a hard time with.

Today I'm still in this mind f*ck. I can only hope to stay clean and remain that way today. All I've got is today. I pick up my grandson this afternoon for the weekend. To my higher power - help me stay strong. I took my own kids to go get dope. I've had some great support from my home group. I laid it all on the table...I've played the movies out and the consequences just aren't scary enough for me right now. All I know is I want to get high, yet I'm still clean.

That desire is so strong.

change4penny

Whisker, I was right where you are a couple of days ago...I wanted to get high and I could not get it off my mind. I'm a recovering opiate/crack/cocaine addict, just shy of 7 months clean. I don't crave the opiates....I crave the coke and the other day, it took all the strength I had not to pick up the phone...cause it's just a phone call away. In the past 7 months, it was by far the strongest urge I've had.
But for me, using means dying, so I really have to be at the point that I'm done fighting this battle. To put that pipe to my lips again would surely be the death of me. So when someone says "play the tape through to the end"...that's what I have to do.....and the end?....well for me, means death.
I will say this....every time I'm able to get through these urges and not use, it makes me stronger in my fight
I pray that this will work for you also. You just have to somehow replace those thoughts of using with something else that will satisfy your mind, body and soul...like your grandkids.

Don't use...no matter what,

Penny

RobbyRobot

Hi Ronnie, how you doing girl? Not as good as we want clearly, and i'm sorry you're having a rough ride right now. Life can get crazy and living the good life through all that crap can seem almost useless. We try to do whats correct and truthful and the crap just keeps ahead of us with no break in the storm. Reality is rarely what it seems to be though... so have courage, Ronnie.

i've quoted bits of your post, whiskers. Its a great post. You've truely commuicated. And you're wanting to be honest and truthful, so everything is all upfront. awesome.

you and i go back a bit here at SR, Ronnie, and have worked thru different issues together, and so i know a few things about you... and because i do i'll share some thoughts with you.

Ronnie, we both know that if we're working our program things do get better and better eventually. Those are truthful facts. We also know that some issues take longer than others. We also know that some issues will never get fixed, and that sux yeah, but its the way of it. The Serenity Prayer "God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change" informs and strengthens us collectively through those impossible trials. Amen.

Ok. Let's be honest then.

Your serenity is where, Ronnie? Your gratitude is where? Your forgiveness is where? Your self-worth and appreciation? Your hope and charity?

all my serenity flames out when i'm not being honest and truthful on issues directly relating to my selfishness and self-centerdness. there really is no gray area with serenity, happiness, and the soothing joys of real peace and quite when living in recovery.

our recovery is either working or its not. if its not, that can be resolved. if it is, then your just having a bad time, and that can happen to the best of us at any time.

Honesty. Truth. Moral Inventory. Powerlessness. Surrender. Gratitude. Faith. Desire. Strength. Failures. Triumphs. Acceptance.

if i was having the challenges you are sharing Ronnie, i would also be sharing more truth about what stages my selfishness and self-centerdness issues honestly are in my recovery process, and how that is working for me. i'm just saying.

i'm not hearing much of that, and i'm surprised really, because we both know, Ronnie, just how friggin' out of control those issues are for you, at times like these. throw some of your own ES&H on yourself here whiskerkissed. ~ grins ~

You can pull thru this, sweat it out. tell me i'm wrong, girl.

as always
Robby

whiskerkissed

Hey Obi Wan...(((HUGS)))

Ya...I'm fully aware I still have a lot of issues. Self-centered, ego, false-pride, resentments I have a hard time letting go - old and new, I'm never as grateful as I should be until I hit my knees at night, and so much more. H*ll...I'm grateful to be back on the First Step. I admit I'm powerless and right now I accept that I am not willing to accept a few things I have to do in my recovery although I pray for that wilingness. Surrender being a big one. I already mentioned this though. I need to do my homework on what surrender means to me.

What would you have me say Robbie? What is your suggestion in a nutshell? I read what you said, but how do I put it out there? I'm not real good and openly sharing the moral inventory thing, but I'm trying to do better in that respect in my homegroup meetings, too.

M.I.A.

On several pieces of paper, while hitting my knees at night. I try to keep those during the day. I think about what I have to be grateful for clean everyday.

For self, others and/or both? Some things are easier to forgive than others.

I do have self-worth - but is it through ego I see this or actual value? Maybe a little of both. Appreciation - from others? I have come to value the closeness and trust I have earned from other members in the group. Now I am the one that shares in receiving calls from members there before me because they're having a hard day. I have value - I count, but sometimes I feel like a hypocrite because I don't feel like I'm applying and living what is being given to me.

I have hope - I offer hope. Charity - there is no charity. That has become one of those words many people shy away from. I am charitable to others I guess. I offer rides, open my phone line, and simply talk...but this isn't charity. This is fellowship.

I'm still very much a work in progress...and progress has been so slow. Not because of my lack of willingness - just the opposite. Too willing and went too fast. I'm frustrated, burnt out, overwhelmed and awake so naturally want to be high.

I think I rambled a lot here. Not sure of what I'm even trying to say. I know I have to leave for a few hours and hope I can stay to the right.

Freedom1990

I had surgery in January that was supposed to be minor, and I ended up waking up with 6" worth of staples in my abdomen.

This much I can tell you. I did not abuse the pain meds, but once I was off of them, it was hell.

The addict in my head was running rampant. I called my sponsor a LOT! I got to meetings as soon as I was cleared to climb stairs (it's a long flight of steep steps to the meeting hall).

I was nuts for a month-mood swings all over the place. My 20 year still had pain meds from her knee surgery in December and I flushed the damned things because I knew where my head was.

I kept doing the next right thing even though my head said different, and eventually it passed.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

whiskerkissed

Thanks Freedom~
Those meds f*cked with me pretty bad. Having to take them while I still have the desire and obsession to use drugs anyway went bad pretty quick. Another member in the fellowship had been there already. I'm extremely grateful he was there. He called me everyday. He knew where it would go and how badly it would send me into a tail spin. He walked me through and was the one to gentley coax me into flushing what I had left.

I keep thinkin' about 'em though - but I keep doing the next right thing.