Thanks everyone. I'm gonna be honest here...I've been pretty f*cked in the head lately. Was tying up loose ends on Monday so I didn't have any ties left in the program so I could leave it all. My disease is hardcore and hard hitting - all the time I'm exhausted. I don't use tools - I use weapons. It's a war everyday to fight the desire to get high. I was done. F*ck the literature, f*ck the meetings, f*ck it. I was NOT getting through another day without getting blown out, shagged down or highly intoxicated in some way. I didn't have the strength anymore.
I was taking one of the guys some money I owed him from selling a movie for him on eBay. I may be a drug addict, but I do have some conscience. I have money in the bank - I don't need yours yet. He held me "hostage" just by talking for the next 5 hours.
This desire is so strong it still has the power to bring me to my knees. It has the power to make me blow chow.
I had done a qick prayer to whatever the f*ck is there one last time just before leaving work - do for me what I can't do for myself cuz I'm getting high. I was given this guy. He even talked me into flushing the pills. I'm still in a state where I'm not sure the program is really working for me. Yes...I'm still clean another day. My fingernails hurt from hanging on waiting for this desire to be lifted.
My sponsor says I tend to complicate things too much. I'm supposed to write what "surrender" means to me. H*ll...I'm an old war horse. I've been a scrapper, fought for a lot of things both right and wrong. I lived a biker lifestyle for a lot of years - still carry those behaviors and look the part. Surrender myself completely is a concept I have a hard time with.
Today I'm still in this mind f*ck. I can only hope to stay clean and remain that way today. All I've got is today. I pick up my grandson this afternoon for the weekend. To my higher power - help me stay strong. I took my own kids to go get dope. I've had some great support from my home group. I laid it all on the table...I've played the movies out and the consequences just aren't scary enough for me right now. All I know is I want to get high, yet I'm still clean.
That desire is so strong.