tbm26

Hi everyone!

My name is Jessie and I'm 18 and addicted to Tramadol. I joined these boards sometime last year but I haven't gained the courage to post until today. I want to explain how I've come to be where I am today and I will do my best to keep it short!

I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder when I was about 13 and went through a lot of inner turmoil over it throughout my adolescence. I'm a strict perfectionist when it comes to myself. I'm not allowed to mess up in any way or I'll berate myself endlessly for it in my head. My anxiety became so severe that I dropped out of public high school and enrolled in online courses when I was 14.

Shortly after finishing my freshman year online, I had a surgery to correct my concave breast bone (called pectus excavatum - I can't post an info link because I'm a newbie!) that I was born with. I think I had a lot of self esteem issues growing up with it, not being like the other girls. It was a very painful procedure and I was prescribed oxycontin and plain oxycodone for it. While I did not abuse those prescriptions, I did make the connection that I felt A LOT less anxiety when I took those pills. I felt okay about myself for once.

I actually started abusing pills when I was about 15. I had come back in contact with a friend from middle school out of the blue. At this time I had discovered a full bottle of Vicodin that my mom had been prescribed for a toothache. My friend and I fully indulged in this new opioid world we had discovered and formed a strong bond over it. Eventually though the bottle had run out and we spent our time together doing more healthy teenage girl things.

Things were normal until I was 16 and experienced chronic pain due to sciatica. To make a looooong story short, I entered a pain clinic, was prescribed Tramadol, then prescribed morphine, then realized that I was abusing the morphine and asked to be put back on the Tramadol. I did need legitimate pain relief, but kept the morphine around for longer than needed because of how luxurious it felt. Since then I've been on the Tramadol up until now. Getting high on Tramadol was perfect for me - I was able to be ME - anxiety free! I could have a job, I could drive, I could do it all! Unfortunately tolerance happens and up until about 2 weeks ago I was at 10 pills a day, taking 5 at a time, trying to get high twice a day.

What brought a halt to that was that I had a breakdown the other week. I'm severely depressed, my anxiety is out of control. My parents split this past summer after 33 years of marriage and my 81 year old grandmother who raised me was diagnosed with lung cancer. Not even Tramadol can take away the pain I've been feeling. I couldn't get myself into school (I go to a beauty school now) and I was having panic attacks every morning.

So I went to urgent care one day and confessed to my depression and anxiety (not the addiction). I was put on Lexapro and Xanax. Because the Tramadol has a similar action to the Lexapro, my pain doctor has told me to cut back to only two 50mg doses a day. This has been okay because the Lexapro prevents the awful serotonin withdrawal. Knowing that I could be risking my life if I don't take the Tramadol as prescribed, I have stuck with the two 50mg doses which controls my pain adequately. I think the Lexapro is helping with my depression, so I do not need the tramadol for that so much anymore. Now my issue is finding out how to spend my time. It was SO easy to pop 5 pills and do nothing for the day - just drive around and hang out. Now that school is on hold until I get adjusted to my meds and I cannot get high to take up time, I just feel stuck and anxious.

I have purposely been ignoring the friend I previously mentioned because she's pretty far into opiates now. She frequently drinks heavily and then snorts morphine or oxy. We only spend our time together getting high and the only thing she speaks of is the drama surrounding her drug circle. I was into that but now I really want to move on and better myself and she's going to keep behind. I'm turning 19 this month and I just want to feel okay and get started with my life.

So I know that I wrote a lot, I'm sorry! It just feels SO good to confess to all of this - the only person that knows I have a problem is my opiate addict friend. Do you guys have any words of encouragement? Any advice on where I can go from here? I'm currently staying at home with my dad and not in my apartment near my school because I don't feel safe by myself and I have my dog here at home. Now that I'm not actively using, I kind of want to tell my mom about the addiction (she's an alcoholic herself). The other day we were out at lunch and she says, "So I get the feeling that you want to tell me something; what's going on?". In my head I'm just screaming "I'M AN ADDICT! I'M AN ADDICT!" but I said nothing was wrong. The world is just so scary to me right now

Anyway, thank you to anyone who reads my story and thank you even more to anyone that takes the time to reply; it really means a lot that someone is listening.

change4penny

Hi tbm,
I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 200 days clean. Your story really touched me because I have a son who's your age. I really think that you need to be honest with your doctor about this. It won't be shocking to them, cause they see it all the time. Then, I'd suggest attending an NA meeting. You'll find that they will welcome you with open arms and will understand what you're going through and be able to offer some sound advice.
Until then, keep posting here. You'll find a lot of encouragement here, and a lot of support also.
Hang in there! I'll be praying for you,

Penny

aasharon90

Anytime I go to a doctor I make sure that
they r aware of my recovery and to not
prescribe me anything that is addicting
or narcotic.

I just found out that I have advanced
arthritist in my left hip and will be
heading to the doctor Monday.

Ive been reading up on Arthritists
and i know it can be painful. However
i will take this a day at a time and
take the best route in dealing with
this.....a healthier way.

SeekSobriety

TBM 26, firstly congratulations for posting, I am sure it was not easy but you did a great job. Secondly my opinion would be that you let your parents or parent know what you are going through (if you feel that you can speak to them and not be in any physical danger etc) secondly contact your doctor and let him know what is going on and exactly what types of pills you are taking and the history of the pill taking, It is very important that doctors who have prescribed anti-depressants or any other medication for that matter know exactly what other medicines you may be taking incase there might be any negative reactions or longer term effects. If you do not feel comfortable with your present doctor I would schedule a appointment with a different doctor.
It is real important that this be managed by a medical professional well versed in addiction management, since you want to make sure you do not just abruptly stop taking medications without supervision.

Also check out the resources, contact information and recovery centers located on the sober recovery contact page SoberRecovery : Directory Drug Addiction, Alcoholism and Mental Health Service Providers

Wishing you only the best!

tbm26

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me.

aasharon90: I'm sorry you have to deal with the arthritis and I wish you the best of luck in your treatment. I have a lot of respect for you for being so up front with your doctors about your recovery.

I'm pretty sure that I'm going to admit my addiction to my mom in the next few days. During the heat of the divorce, I did tell her that I used opioids to cope, but did not indicate that it was a problem. She's very understanding about these things, and now that I feel that Tramadol isn't my only crutch to lean on for my depression, I think I'm ready to admit to her what's been going on.

I also know that I need to tell this all to at least one of my doctors. That's probably the scariest prospect of getting well for me. Once they know, that's it - I don't have those easy prescriptions to rely on when things become too hard to handle. I'm also very ashamed and embarrassed that they put their trust and compassion into me and my condition and I took advantage of them. It's also scary because of the idea of a flare up of my pain; while the Lexapro/Tramadol combo has proven to be very effective for my pain, what if it stops working? I know a lot of those 'what ifs' are probably me trying to find excuses and I know that ultimately, if I want to be totally sober, it's a step I must take.

I think I need to work on a stronger relationship with God. I did not believe in any kind of God for these past few years, but I have begun to question and ultimately believe this last year when I went through a patch where I was suicidal. At my lowest, I thought "Maybe this is what was meant to happen. Maybe you're supposed to survive this as part of the plan that God has for you". I do not subscribe to any organized religion, but I now believe or at least hope that there is something larger out there. I have begun to pray and just speak to God and even if there's no one really listening, the idea that there may be something there gives me hope. Unfortunately, my faith and belief in a God has faltered since my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. But that's a whole different thread, huh? :chatter

Again, thank you so much for reaching out to me. This community is really wonderful and provides a really great launching pad for recovery. I will make sure to explore the boards more and hopefully learn more about all of you!

aasharon90

I use to be scared at first as to whom
i should tell i was in recovery because
i didnt want to be judged. Telling people
ur in recovery does seem unsettling.

But u dont have to tell the world. That
is why we have the AA or NA....Alcoholics
Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.

Tell my doctor that I am in recovery
means that Im taking care of my needs.
Whats more important to me.

The doctor sees many many patiants
and im just one that i feel i need to
take care more closely. He is there
to help me and he will but if he's not
aware that i have an addiction to
drugs or alcohol then he will prescribe
what HE feels is right for me.

I will go Monday to the Orthopedic Clinic
for the first time and when i face the
doctor for that first time, we will discuss
what is needed for my arthritist and i
will stand strong and bold telling him
i am in recovery and whatever he prescribes
to me isnt a narcotic or habit forming.

That to me is taking care of me and
reminding me of whats more important.

My recovery and well being.

A Power greater than I or my HP
is always there. Unconditional
love no matter what happens
in my life.

tbeit

I have to tell you I have pain issues and opiates work in the short term but for the long term I find that advil is a miracle drug.Dont take more then the bottle says its not good for youe kidneys but it really works for me

tbm26

Thank you for the suggestion and I'm happy to hear that the advil is working for you. Right now my pain is being controlled way better by the anti-depressant with a small amount of Tramadol compared to huge doses of the Tramadol by itself. I really haven't been in this least amount of pain in years, so that's a step in the right direction. I am still taking only two 50mg doses of the Tramadol each day, but I'm really struggling.

There have been days where I have chosen not to take my anti-depressant and instead try to get high on Tramadol for the day. I haven't actually been able to get high this way so I don't know why I bother with trying anyway. Most of the time I just feel kind of sick, both physically and with myself. I have been ignoring my addict friend but she's been calling nonstop. She used to be a really good friend but now her whole world is drugs. I was sucked into that this last year and I'm really tired of it. I know it may seem cruel to straight up ignore her and disappear off the face of the earth, but being around her WILL lead to me using. I know that if I were to tell her that I'm trying to quit she'll be in shock and act like I'm crazy or something. She's convinced herself that she definitely doesn't have a problem and therefore downplays my concerns about my addiction. Sadly, I don't think she would respect my attempt at recovery and spending time with her would definitely jeopardize it.

It's so hard to let go of the best friend I used to have, but I'm trying to grow up and she still seems to be stuck at 16.

Anyway, I'm looking into NA meeting within my area, trying to build the courage to go. Do you HAVE to speak at them? Or can you just come in unnoticed and quietly observe things?


Ahhh anyway, I need to get to bed. I'm so grateful for this community; it's such a safe, supportive, and loving environment.

christin1225

TBM,

So many times those words have screamed in my head and I have wanted the person sitting across from me to hear. Like you, they are my family members. It's wonderful that your mom left you with a good opener to confide in her. You can sit down with her and say, "Mom, remember when you said the other day that you had a feeling that I wanted to tell you something, you were right." Perfect opportunity to tell her.

Do you feel that your mother would understand addiction? Being that she's an alcoholic, I would think that she would. Do you feel that she would still love you? My experience as the mother of a 16, 18, and 20-year old, tells me that it's pretty safe to assume that she would. So, honey... tell her. Once you've told your mom, you can speak to her about wanting to find ways to occupy yourself.

Does your mom attend meetings? That's one thing that you can do together. Even if she doesn't, maybe she would attend a few NA meetings (or open AA) with you? You've done a wonderful job taking your meds as prescribed but you want to work on a program of recovery, which you will read about a lot on this forum. Although you may not want to spend most of your time with your mother , she can help to fill some of the time while you're working things out. Posting on these boards can take a hefty chunk of spare time too and you can make a lot of friends in recovery.

So I'm so glad that you posted (even though I was on my way to bed before I read it ).

change4penny

TBM
Honey you sound like you are making some really good decisions that I sure wish I'd made at your age.
I attended about 5 or 6 meetings and just listened and didn't speak. You don't have to speak unless you want to.
Just going is a step in the right direction...the rest will follow.

You're in my prayers

Penny

jane_668

Wow you're so wise and brave. Please feel home. You're not alone. I abused Tramadol for the past 6 years .I started when I was at your age. I was on 10 -15 pills 100 mgs a day. The maximum dose recommended is 400 mgs. So I was running the risk of seizeure everyday. I started mixing it with other substances. Addiction is progressive. You'll find yourself taking more and more doses and not getting high so you start mixing different substances. I hear you on depression. It one of the worst symptoms of Tramadol withdrawal. Please talk to your doctor. You don't have to go through this alone. You'll amazed how undertsanding he/she will be.

tbm26

Oh yes, I know that my mom would understand the addiction. Well, obviously not what it's like to be addicted to pain killers, but the behaviors and reasonings that come along with addiction. I have no doubt in my mind that she would still love and accept me if I were to tell her, so it really should be a no-brainer for me to tell her. I think she would probably do research on Tramadol addiction and how to help me. My birthday is this thursday and I am planning on telling her before then. I really want my birthday to be a rebirth for me and my health.

As far as meetings go, she has not attended AA before but I think she would accompany me to NA. She does admit that she is an alcoholic and has expressed a want to do something about it, but she hasn't taken that step yet, so maybe this would be like opening a door for the both of us.

Jane: Thank you for your words of encouragement. How are you with the addiction now? Are you currently clean and if so how long? The risk of seizure is definitely a big reason why I want to stop. I've been thinking of how awful and useless it would be to get high and then have a seizure while I'm driving. Definitely not worth the consequences. I really don't want to have to learn the hard way with this addiction.

Well I guess I should stop blabbering and get a move on today! I'm trying to do at least one good thing each day so I can go to bed and say "well, at least I did ____ today". It's absolutely beautiful outside today so I'm going to take my dog for a sunny walk in the park. Thank you all so much, I will definitely keep checking in. You guys are a reminder to me that I'm heading in the right direction and that I'm not totally crazy. I hope you all have a safe and beautiful day!

kelsh

Hi tbm,

When I was admitted to the local hospital in 1988 for a medical detox I did not have a doctor in town. I had moved back four years before & just saw the local cold/flu type gp that I took my kids to back in the 70's. When he retired I didn't look for another doc.

So when I was seen in the hospital by the doc on call...he was so kind & caring...he even called me on the phone if he couldn't get back in the evening to see me...I asked him if he would be my doctor and he said he would. This was in 1988...twenty years have passed & I am still sober & still taking meds for my depression.

He saw me go from a drunken 48 year old lady to a college graduate with a BA Degree in Psychology, to getting a job with the local Mental Health Clinic, to still being sober when he moved on to another city to open his own practice. I was told that not many doctors get to see this transition & he probably will never forget me as one of his patients.

My Brother who is 18 months younger than me is going through what you are needing to do....he tried to quit Meth.....by using alcohol only but ended up with a heart attack so did tell the doc his whole story and did get a medical detox & has been clean & sober since October 2009. This is the longest he has been sober since the 1980's when he broke a 14 year period of sobriety.

He is 67 & I am 68. We have a long family history of alcoholism & depression..with some never treated and some treated & successful. Life is so different now that I have been sober. I actually look forward to getting up most mornings but even with depression hanging over my head I do get up and do something...to start my day. My husband and I are retired so our time is ours mostly.

When younger people get sober it is so rewarding to hear about it. I am a Mom to three sons & two daughters...all grown. One son is a heavy drinker, another son is in a w/c due to his drugs & alcohol, one daughter is a social drinker & the other son is a social drinker. One daughter does not drink or use drugs...is a diabetic...insulin dependent since she was 11 years old...she is 31 now.

This forum is where I come for me and for others. I try to share my experiences, strengths, & hope with others so they may find their way to sobriety. I would share your story with your Mom if it were me. Especially if she is an alcoholic in recovery. Like someone said we can take baby steps & live one day at a time as we try to move towards staying sober.

I,too, have arthritis & cannot take opiates or any kind of pain or narcotic medication. I had back surgery for my osteo-arthritis & they gave me Morphine & I quit breathing in the middle of the night...someone found me...& when I woke up I was in ICU...couldn't feed myself or walk the first day.

My husband also has severe Chronic Pain from a surgery for a bone infection where part of his pelvis was removed. He also is an amputee from an old job injury so is taking Oxycodone & Oxycontin...the powerful one is once a day when he first wakes up so he can even move around to get dressed. The other one is three times a day but I know he does abuse this med sometimes & when it is close to renewal he has to cut back....his mood is very hard to deal with even though I know he wouldn't be here if he had to deal with the pain without this med....his doc told me what he had said in confidence because he knew I was so concerned about his talking about death more than a few times.

I am so grateful you told your story. It sure helps to get it out of your mind for someone elses eyes doesn't it? Good luck as you find your way....I did attend AA many years & found it saved me from myself for quite a long time...& I still use the Serenity Prayer in my daily life.

kelsh

tbm26

Hi guys...just checking in.

The friend that I spoke of earlier stopped by today without warning after I have ignored her for the past 2 weeks. I told her straight up that I'm done, I can't do this anymore. I told her how sad I've been feeling and how serious my addiction has become. She was understanding and admits that her addiction is messing her life up too. She wants to stop too but doesn't know how. I told her that we need to tell someone outside of each other as our first step towards being well. She says she's going to talk to her "boyfriend"/dealer and cut things off with him, which works out pretty well because he's going into prison this week. I'm comforted by the idea of going through this with someone by my side, but I'm not sure how serious she really is about this. I guess only time will tell.

I decided that I'm going to tell my mom today. I called her saying that I really needed to talk to her. She's out looking at houses but says she can meet me out in the town she's in at 4:30. I'm so incredibly scared. This is it; this is what I feel is the first serious step I'm taking in getting better. I know she will more than likely be cool about it, but I'm still petrified. She's been worried about me and I don't want this to be another thing that weighs on her mind concerning me. I'm so scared but I think this is the right thing to do so I'm going to go through with it.

Wish me good luck. I hope to come on later tonight to report on how it goes. Again, I'm so so so scared.

tbm26

Hi guys, I haven't posted in about a week and A LOT has happened.

I spoke to my mom and she was very understanding and supportive. She wasn't disappointed or angry, and to be honest not totally surprised either. She understands that this stuff happens and that I'm probably more prone to it with her being an alcoholic and me having anxiety and depression problems. She told me that she's here to help me as much as she can, but that I really need to tell my doctor and my therapist. I've been seen a therapist at my pain clinic since 2006 and she's been a big help for me, but I've never ever spoken about my drug abuse.

Well I had an appointment with her today and I finally got the courage to say "I have a problem with drugs". I felt so ashamed and scared but she was very understanding and compassionate. I told her that I have abused other drugs, but that Tramadol is my DOC and comes before everything else. Her main concern is that we take care of this NOW before it morphs into something even more serious. I reluctantly let her tell my doctor and the nurse assistant, which was probably the scariest thing about this entire thing for me.

The nurse just called me and we have a taper schedule in effect starting today. I'm going to do a very slow taper until May 14th so hopefully I won't have any issue with withdrawals. My therapist is going to look into partial day treatment programs that she thinks would fit me best. There's a lot of hospitals and medical centers within my area, so we should be able to find something that fits and can get me in soon. I can't believe that I had the courage to tell the pain clinic. I was a blubbering mess right before I told my therapist, saying that I want to talk about it but I can't. But she told me that it looks like I need to talk about it and that she wouldn't be mad no matter what it was and I finally just spit it out.

I'm totally exhausted now but I think I'm doing what's right. I really do feel better telling someone this huge secret! These past 2 weeks I've gone from having 1 person know about my addiction, to having 2, to now having 5 and 3 of them are doctors! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! You guys really encouraged me to get the ball rolling. I honestly didn't see myself telling my doctors anytime soon when you guys initially told me to but I actually did it! Now I just have to put my energy and focus into sticking with my treatment plan. I CAN DO THIS!

TTOSBT

TBM,
Wow!
You are amazing! Don't you feel like a weight has been lifted? I am SO happy for you!!!!
This is just the beginning of living happy, joyous and free!
So, how is your friend doing?

tbm26

Thank you!! I definitely do feel like a weight has been lifted. I know that this is just the tip of the iceberg and I still have a LOT of work to do, but I never ever envisioned myself having the courage to tell anyone, let alone the pain clinic.

To be honest I haven't spoken to my friend. Last I spoke to her she was waiting to make an appointment with a doctor that would put her on suboxone. I know that she told me she wants to get well, but for some reason it felt kind of insincere to me. It's really hard to be with her because the only thing we do together is use - I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with her at all, so I'm just staying away from her right now until things settle down for the both of us. My therapist agrees with this decision so I think I'm going to stick with that for a while. I think I'm just too vulnerable to be around that right now.