Pain and guilt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: US
Posts: 46
Pain and guilt
Well, I've got 48 days clean and sober... and now I've done something to my back and it is killing me! Probably because I've been working out like a maniac, that could possibly be another thread.
I've been taking Motrin and alternating ice and heat but last night I didn't sleep much. I hate that I feel triggered and almost guilty or something about having pain.
We went to Easter lunch with my family and after my husband (aka Big mouth) announced that I had hurt my back I was SO uncomfortable the whole time... thinking that everyone will now be wondering if I will relapse. Of course no one said anything ( natural for my family) but- and maybe it was just to me- it seemed like the elephant in the room.
There is so much about being injured or sick that just brings it all back to me, everything from people asking What's wrong, to the way I have to carefully get up and down, to just taking pills- even if it is Motrin. I hate it! I went to a meeting last night; I wasn't planning on it bc of Easter, but then I felt I needed to go. Ughh, just wanted to vent. Thanks!
I've been taking Motrin and alternating ice and heat but last night I didn't sleep much. I hate that I feel triggered and almost guilty or something about having pain.
We went to Easter lunch with my family and after my husband (aka Big mouth) announced that I had hurt my back I was SO uncomfortable the whole time... thinking that everyone will now be wondering if I will relapse. Of course no one said anything ( natural for my family) but- and maybe it was just to me- it seemed like the elephant in the room.
There is so much about being injured or sick that just brings it all back to me, everything from people asking What's wrong, to the way I have to carefully get up and down, to just taking pills- even if it is Motrin. I hate it! I went to a meeting last night; I wasn't planning on it bc of Easter, but then I felt I needed to go. Ughh, just wanted to vent. Thanks!
Mr.MeToo?
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: East Coast to the Deep South
Posts: 828
totally know what you mean about being sick or in pain that triggers using (im an opiate user , i assume you are as well)
For some reason, since my using days i have little to no tolerance for pain or discomfort anymore. At the slightest amount of pain or sickness (even just a regular cold) i start to get those thoughts about taking some dope or OC's to feel better.
Glad you went to the meeting and are feeling better about it. Hopefully if we stay the course those thoughts will start fading away in the coming months
For some reason, since my using days i have little to no tolerance for pain or discomfort anymore. At the slightest amount of pain or sickness (even just a regular cold) i start to get those thoughts about taking some dope or OC's to feel better.
Glad you went to the meeting and are feeling better about it. Hopefully if we stay the course those thoughts will start fading away in the coming months
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
OMG...thank you soo much for posting amirose!! I have a pinched nerve..live 5 blocks from ER where they always hit me with morphine the second I walk in practically...Dang..taht is just too easy right??? I have been crazy in my head fightin it...but I keep talking about tit too...and I am going to the 9:30 meting tonight too...
I think maybe I can get through it knowing I am not ALONE>.....you may just of saved my life!! lol....no lie...cause if I start back on opiates ..well it is doen oand over pretty fast if you know what I mean..I feel like I don't have any more recoveries left in me....!! And this pinched nerve is sending shooting pain to remind me...don't get high...don't get high...!! Anyway..thanx again...
love norty
I think maybe I can get through it knowing I am not ALONE>.....you may just of saved my life!! lol....no lie...cause if I start back on opiates ..well it is doen oand over pretty fast if you know what I mean..I feel like I don't have any more recoveries left in me....!! And this pinched nerve is sending shooting pain to remind me...don't get high...don't get high...!! Anyway..thanx again...
love norty
Live it
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 255
I know what you mean ... in my family, addiction is always the elephant in the room. Not just my addiction, either. My father was addicted to alcohol to the point where it almost killed him and my mom was addicted to food ... with nearly the same outcome. I grew up with two addicts struggling to live right, rejecting twelve-step fellowships, falling, getting back up, falling again, getting back up. Surviving life's tests without relapsing, only to relapse when things were going good. Addiction is no game. It's awful.
Even so, there are some very wonderful things about my parents that I believe are the flip-side of their addictive natures. For instance, they're both very charming and kind-hearted. They're fun to be around. They're creative and quite clever.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can relate. I, too, have a hyper-sensitivity to pain now that I've survived active opiate addiction. I guess it's just one of the fun gifts that I've given myself. :wtf2 I really know how to make my own day, let me tell you.
Perhaps someday I will learn!
Even so, there are some very wonderful things about my parents that I believe are the flip-side of their addictive natures. For instance, they're both very charming and kind-hearted. They're fun to be around. They're creative and quite clever.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can relate. I, too, have a hyper-sensitivity to pain now that I've survived active opiate addiction. I guess it's just one of the fun gifts that I've given myself. :wtf2 I really know how to make my own day, let me tell you.
Perhaps someday I will learn!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: US
Posts: 46
Thanks Northbelle, I hope you are doing better today. Going to the ER in the middle of the night used to be all too common for me. I never want to live that way again; reading that reminded me of all of the humiliation of the whole scenario. Ughh , it gives me chills but thanks for the reminder.
SugarScars, well it is interesting that even family who have struggled with addiction themselves still play the "If we don't talk about it, everything will be OK" game. I thought maybe my family just did it because none of them have this issue (just me!) and so it's easiest to deny, deny. We do NOT talk about how we FEEL ever. I would freak if they talked about it anyway, probably. It is hard to overcome after being raised that way- I can share with my friends usually if prodded or at meetings or on here... but with my family, not so much!
At a meeting last night, someone suggested I get a massage (duh!), and I just got home from the chiropractor where their RMT worked on me for an hour... for now I do feel much better. I've never been "adjusted", but I have an appt for this Thursday with the doctor. Just trying not to lift my almost 2 year old is challenging!
SugarScars, well it is interesting that even family who have struggled with addiction themselves still play the "If we don't talk about it, everything will be OK" game. I thought maybe my family just did it because none of them have this issue (just me!) and so it's easiest to deny, deny. We do NOT talk about how we FEEL ever. I would freak if they talked about it anyway, probably. It is hard to overcome after being raised that way- I can share with my friends usually if prodded or at meetings or on here... but with my family, not so much!
At a meeting last night, someone suggested I get a massage (duh!), and I just got home from the chiropractor where their RMT worked on me for an hour... for now I do feel much better. I've never been "adjusted", but I have an appt for this Thursday with the doctor. Just trying not to lift my almost 2 year old is challenging!
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
I can relate to the family things too...and believe me my family has ISSUES..I am just straight about mine..and they see THAT as a weakness...
My stepmom told me yesterday...I hope Chance doesn't grow up to "depend on the kindness of others"....Wtf??? She just knows how dependant I am on others in recovery....and Chance too...people in recovery take care of us...and I don't mean financially...but they fill that family spot that my blood family does not...
In my opnion...she said that because she is jealous....she mistaked my kindness for WEAKNESS!!
Anyway..I am on my feet pushing through this pinched nerve stuff....I am going to call to get a appt with the physical therapist right now,,,,,good feed back you guys..thank you so much for sticking with me here..I am so much clearer in my head...if I had went to the ER...well I would be out of commission for a good WEEK..then the ensuing detox...IF I did not decide to drug seek elsewhere!! Thank you god...
Sugar scars...I like your avatar and headline...! One of my homies ..do you go to meetings??
Truly , I have a family in recovery today and meetings and friends save my butt on a minute to minute basis...
Well I am waiting to hear back from the interview last week..think I may of gotten my hopes up too high!!! (((siiiiighhhh)))....oh well....NEEEEEEXT...heading off to the courthouse...
love north
My stepmom told me yesterday...I hope Chance doesn't grow up to "depend on the kindness of others"....Wtf??? She just knows how dependant I am on others in recovery....and Chance too...people in recovery take care of us...and I don't mean financially...but they fill that family spot that my blood family does not...
In my opnion...she said that because she is jealous....she mistaked my kindness for WEAKNESS!!
Anyway..I am on my feet pushing through this pinched nerve stuff....I am going to call to get a appt with the physical therapist right now,,,,,good feed back you guys..thank you so much for sticking with me here..I am so much clearer in my head...if I had went to the ER...well I would be out of commission for a good WEEK..then the ensuing detox...IF I did not decide to drug seek elsewhere!! Thank you god...
Sugar scars...I like your avatar and headline...! One of my homies ..do you go to meetings??
Truly , I have a family in recovery today and meetings and friends save my butt on a minute to minute basis...
Well I am waiting to hear back from the interview last week..think I may of gotten my hopes up too high!!! (((siiiiighhhh)))....oh well....NEEEEEEXT...heading off to the courthouse...
love north
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
When I was still using, I naively thought that I had everyone's sympathy because I was living such a pitiful existence--stuck in a wheelchair with debilitating medical conditions for which there are no cures. Whoa is me--my favorite manipulative cry.
I get clean, still stuck in the chair, and I see how thrilled my mother is that I'm not nodding off on the telephone or avoiding her calls altogether. I'm even willing to see her face to face instead of making excuses. So, she starts telling me about all the folks she's run into and has told "How well my baby girl is doing." I was mortified at first. I never felt embarrassed to be an addict, but I was embarrassed to be an addict in recovery. Sometimes, we just don't make any sense.
As for others wondering what I might or might not be doing, I one day realized that that's none of my business. If someone wants to speak their thoughts out loud, most of the time, I'll answer them (unless, of course, it really is none of their business--which includes feeding into anything that I see as drama in the making), but for the most part, I don't try to project myself in the thoughts of others. It's just takes too much emotional energy I could be saving to use on something more productive.
amirose, keep going to meetings, latch onto a sponsor if you haven't already, one who will work those steps with you, and keep coming back. I'll pray it doesn't take you as long as it took me to quit worrying what others think.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
(P.S. amirose & north -- healing prayers out for you both)
I get clean, still stuck in the chair, and I see how thrilled my mother is that I'm not nodding off on the telephone or avoiding her calls altogether. I'm even willing to see her face to face instead of making excuses. So, she starts telling me about all the folks she's run into and has told "How well my baby girl is doing." I was mortified at first. I never felt embarrassed to be an addict, but I was embarrassed to be an addict in recovery. Sometimes, we just don't make any sense.
As for others wondering what I might or might not be doing, I one day realized that that's none of my business. If someone wants to speak their thoughts out loud, most of the time, I'll answer them (unless, of course, it really is none of their business--which includes feeding into anything that I see as drama in the making), but for the most part, I don't try to project myself in the thoughts of others. It's just takes too much emotional energy I could be saving to use on something more productive.
amirose, keep going to meetings, latch onto a sponsor if you haven't already, one who will work those steps with you, and keep coming back. I'll pray it doesn't take you as long as it took me to quit worrying what others think.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
(P.S. amirose & north -- healing prayers out for you both)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
I don't project myself on others either. I'm not going to be one of these people who are always pointing out how bad drugs are for you. I feel like for me, the best approach is to "lead by example".
Same thing for my two teenage sons. I certainly can't go around and preach, "just say NO to drugs" when their mother is a drug addict. I can only hope and pray that they recognize the person I was on drugs, and remember how bad things got and how this sh!t impacted our lives. And recognize who I am nowadays...this woman that's their mom, who made the bad decision to get involved in drugs, whose now 200 days clean, and happier without the use of drugs, (even alcohol). I hope that they see that you can be happy without substances, and have a 'whole' life!
Penny
Same thing for my two teenage sons. I certainly can't go around and preach, "just say NO to drugs" when their mother is a drug addict. I can only hope and pray that they recognize the person I was on drugs, and remember how bad things got and how this sh!t impacted our lives. And recognize who I am nowadays...this woman that's their mom, who made the bad decision to get involved in drugs, whose now 200 days clean, and happier without the use of drugs, (even alcohol). I hope that they see that you can be happy without substances, and have a 'whole' life!
Penny
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