When I was still using, I naively thought that I had everyone's sympathy because I was living such a pitiful existence--stuck in a wheelchair with debilitating medical conditions for which there are no cures. Whoa is me--my favorite manipulative cry.
I get clean, still stuck in the chair, and I see how thrilled my mother is that I'm not nodding off on the telephone or avoiding her calls altogether. I'm even willing to see her face to face instead of making excuses. So, she starts telling me about all the folks she's run into and has told "How well my baby girl is doing." I was mortified at first. I never felt embarrassed to be an addict, but I was embarrassed to be an addict in recovery. Sometimes, we just don't make any sense.
As for others wondering what I might or might not be doing, I one day realized that that's none of my business. If someone wants to speak their thoughts out loud, most of the time, I'll answer them (unless, of course, it really is none of their business--which includes feeding into anything that I see as drama in the making), but for the most part, I don't try to project myself in the thoughts of others. It's just takes too much emotional energy I could be saving to use on something more productive.
amirose, keep going to meetings, latch onto a sponsor if you haven't already, one who will work those steps with you, and keep coming back. I'll pray it doesn't take you as long as it took me to quit worrying what others think.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
(P.S. amirose & north -- healing prayers out for you both)