The Shame of Relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
The Shame of Relapse *sigh*...
I am so ashamed and depressed due to my relapse on Oxycontin. On November 5th 2008, I was so depressed due to my opiate addiction I decided to quit Oxycontin cold turkey. I was taking around 400 mgs a day give or take 40mgs to 80mgs. At the time, no matter how much I took, I just felt awful to the point of having suicidal ideation. The constant obsession over obtaining these pills sucked the desire to live right out of me. This had been my 3rd time trying to get off.
After a couple weeks of the acute WD's I had gotten the worst behind me thought the depression and malaise never really left. Around Around December 25th I began taking Vicodin for a tooth ache. I thought I could take them for just a short while and stop soon after...(phhffffff...what a joke) because I had been clean for around 60 days and my tolerance went way down. Unfortunately here I am 83 days later of using and hooked again.
I am taking around 80 mgs a day down from the 160mgs of oxy I was chewing a week ago. If I can get down to 40mgs a for a week do you think I can just jump cold turkey from that amount without going through the ringer as I did from my 400mgs jump? I am afraid of going weeks with the insomnia and God awful heebie jeebies again.
None of my friends know I have relapsed and the shame is unbearable. My dilemma is that I cannot miss work or go inpatient due to financial obligations.
Why do I always do this to myself?
I am so ashamed and depressed due to my relapse on Oxycontin. On November 5th 2008, I was so depressed due to my opiate addiction I decided to quit Oxycontin cold turkey. I was taking around 400 mgs a day give or take 40mgs to 80mgs. At the time, no matter how much I took, I just felt awful to the point of having suicidal ideation. The constant obsession over obtaining these pills sucked the desire to live right out of me. This had been my 3rd time trying to get off.
After a couple weeks of the acute WD's I had gotten the worst behind me thought the depression and malaise never really left. Around Around December 25th I began taking Vicodin for a tooth ache. I thought I could take them for just a short while and stop soon after...(phhffffff...what a joke) because I had been clean for around 60 days and my tolerance went way down. Unfortunately here I am 83 days later of using and hooked again.
I am taking around 80 mgs a day down from the 160mgs of oxy I was chewing a week ago. If I can get down to 40mgs a for a week do you think I can just jump cold turkey from that amount without going through the ringer as I did from my 400mgs jump? I am afraid of going weeks with the insomnia and God awful heebie jeebies again.
None of my friends know I have relapsed and the shame is unbearable. My dilemma is that I cannot miss work or go inpatient due to financial obligations.
Why do I always do this to myself?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,707
Please dont get into the idea of believing you can take a bit here or there and not fall into addiction ever again.
I get these ideas too, but I now phone someone in recovery and rat on myself right away.
Addicts can't take dope without messing ourselves up, real bad.
I get these ideas too, but I now phone someone in recovery and rat on myself right away.
Addicts can't take dope without messing ourselves up, real bad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
Pinocchio,
Do you have insurance? If so, maybe you could go to your doctor and ask him/her to keep your information "off record". He/she could write you a script for subutex or suboxone. I am not an addict and don't pretend to know what it is like. My son is an addict and went from taking oxys/roxys orally, to snorting and now shooting. I have marchmen acted him and he has been thrown out of several programs and 1/2 way houses. I once met a young girl (23 ish) who was an addict got clean and is now living a "clean, happy and back to normal life with a supportive and loving relationship with her parents" (Her words). She told me that addicts are very selfish and immature. I ask you (as I have asked my son).....how badly do you want it? A week of insomnia and/or heebie jeebies is a small penalty to pay for a life. Good luck to you and may God bless.
Do you have insurance? If so, maybe you could go to your doctor and ask him/her to keep your information "off record". He/she could write you a script for subutex or suboxone. I am not an addict and don't pretend to know what it is like. My son is an addict and went from taking oxys/roxys orally, to snorting and now shooting. I have marchmen acted him and he has been thrown out of several programs and 1/2 way houses. I once met a young girl (23 ish) who was an addict got clean and is now living a "clean, happy and back to normal life with a supportive and loving relationship with her parents" (Her words). She told me that addicts are very selfish and immature. I ask you (as I have asked my son).....how badly do you want it? A week of insomnia and/or heebie jeebies is a small penalty to pay for a life. Good luck to you and may God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
Too true Emmer. I just got finished reading your thread and I wish you the best in your recovery as well. I noticed you have allot of people on hear that truly love you and are praying for you.
I have learned that the hard way. I have a back injury from work and always use that as an excuse to use. I have to get surgery eventually but I never really took the pain meds for my back. Mainly I keep falling back due to stress and anxiety and depression. Ever since my wife had cancer and we lost our home I have been masking my emotional pain with opiates. Living clean is difficult trying to deal with emotions without a substance but using is far worse for me. It triggers shame and depression on a whole new level. Always spending money I do not have and eing on the run from the Withdrawal monster is just maddening. There is no peace or happiness in my life and I am at the end of my rope. I just cant believe I went 2 months clean again and threw it away. I need to get off and start living again.
I have learned that the hard way. I have a back injury from work and always use that as an excuse to use. I have to get surgery eventually but I never really took the pain meds for my back. Mainly I keep falling back due to stress and anxiety and depression. Ever since my wife had cancer and we lost our home I have been masking my emotional pain with opiates. Living clean is difficult trying to deal with emotions without a substance but using is far worse for me. It triggers shame and depression on a whole new level. Always spending money I do not have and eing on the run from the Withdrawal monster is just maddening. There is no peace or happiness in my life and I am at the end of my rope. I just cant believe I went 2 months clean again and threw it away. I need to get off and start living again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by helpformyson 
Pinocchio,
Do you have insurance? If so, maybe you could go to your doctor and ask him/her to keep your information "off record". He/she could write you a script for subutex or suboxone. I am not an addict and don't pretend to know what it is like. My son is an addict and went from taking oxys/roxys orally, to snorting and now shooting. I have marchmen acted him and he has been thrown out of several programs and 1/2 way houses. I once met a young girl (23 ish) who was an addict got clean and is now living a "clean, happy and back to normal life with a supportive and loving relationship with her parents" (Her words). She told me that addicts are very selfish and immature. I ask you (as I have asked my son).....how badly do you want it? A week of insomnia and/or heebie jeebies is a small penalty to pay for a life. Good luck to you and may God bless.
Do you have insurance? If so, maybe you could go to your doctor and ask him/her to keep your information "off record". He/she could write you a script for subutex or suboxone. I am not an addict and don't pretend to know what it is like. My son is an addict and went from taking oxys/roxys orally, to snorting and now shooting. I have marchmen acted him and he has been thrown out of several programs and 1/2 way houses. I once met a young girl (23 ish) who was an addict got clean and is now living a "clean, happy and back to normal life with a supportive and loving relationship with her parents" (Her words). She told me that addicts are very selfish and immature. I ask you (as I have asked my son).....how badly do you want it? A week of insomnia and/or heebie jeebies is a small penalty to pay for a life. Good luck to you and may God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
The Truth
I often wonder how much easier it would be to get off of opiates if I did not suffer from reoccurring anxiety and depression. It is quite a dilemma in which I cannot seem to overcome and I am starting to think that perhaps? I never will.
There are days that I do not feel the heart crushing sorrow and ache that depression brings. The void is filled with joy and I even have the delusion during these days that maybe I am like everyone else. I even feel optimistic about my chances of “getting clean” . It actually seems so easy and I go about making plans in my head to accomplish this apparently easy goal.
After a long “happy” day of optimistic planning and I am fatigued with the days events, I lay my head down on my pillow. I soon fade into lucidity with warm thoughts of freedom flashing through my scattered thoughts.
At 3:30 a.m., my alarm grabs me by the hair and pulls me out of my sweet dreams kicking and screaming as I open my sleepy eyes to a new day. But I immediately sense that something is terribly wrong. Something is missing in the pit of my stomach or perhaps my soul. The joy of life, the optimism of sobriety, the will to get out of bed…to breath? All of these idea’s and impulses were snatched away as I was busy in my sleep playing Crisco Twister with the “Three Jessica’s,” Biel, Alba and Simpson. It’s as if as I slept, a dark ominous shadow slipped into my room and poured a large ice cold bucket of “the Nothingness” down my throat and I drank every bitter drop. All my previous recovery plans that where on fire in my soul and consciousness have been snuffed out , gone. Not even a scent or ash to be found.
The Nothingness that I speak of, and which you may be familiar with as well, turns hope into hate, love into lies, peace of mind, into pessimism. The bright confident eyes that I recognized in the mirror have oddly enough been replaced as well. I know this because the ones I wore before could see the beauty of the world with magnificent colors exploding of off God’s creation. I could also see the happiness in peoples eyes as they went about their daily business. But more importantly, I could see me in the future living a clean and abundant life being the best husband and father that a man could be. The eyes that the Nothingness apparently lends me on frequent occasion , have a very different and dark perception. The sun that usually brings warmth and comfort is now blinding and somewhat irritating. And it is also apparent that it prefers the darkness, so the darkness is where I reside while in this sickening mode. I no longer see the beauty of creation but the burden of living on this abysmal and painfully immoral rock in which we call earth. I no longer see the happiness in the peoples eyes but discouragement of mundane living, the shattered dreams etching deep wrinkles on their unsatisfied and unfulfilled faces. The day drags on painfully slow and I can only think of relief of any kind and any way. And so…I do.
I often wonder how much easier it would be to get off of opiates if I did not suffer from reoccurring anxiety and depression. It is quite a dilemma in which I cannot seem to overcome, and I am starting to think that perhaps? I never will…
There are days that I do not feel the heart crushing sorrow and ache that depression brings. The void is filled with joy and I even have the delusion during these days that maybe I am like everyone else. I even feel optimistic about my chances of “getting clean” . It actually seems so easy and I go about making plans in my head to accomplish this apparently easy goal.
After a long “happy” day of optimistic planning and I am fatigued with the days events, I lay my head down on my pillow. I soon fade into lucidity with warm thoughts of freedom flashing through my scattered thoughts.
At 3:30 a.m., my alarm grabs me by the hair and pulls me out of my sweet dreams kicking and screaming as I open my sleepy eyes to a new day. But I immediately sense that something is terribly wrong. Something is missing in the pit of my stomach or perhaps my soul. The joy of life, the optimism of sobriety, the will to get out of bed…to breath? All of these idea’s and impulses were snatched away as I was busy in my sleep playing Crisco Twister with the “Three Jessica’s,” Biel, Alba and Simpson. It’s as if as I slept, a dark ominous shadow slipped into my room and poured a large ice cold bucket of “the Nothingness” down my throat and I drank every bitter drop. All my previous recovery plans that where on fire in my soul and consciousness have been snuffed out , gone. Not even a scent or ash to be found.
The Nothingness that I speak of, and which you may be familiar with as well, turns hope into hate, love into lies, peace of mind, into pessimism. The bright confident eyes that I recognized in the mirror have oddly enough been replaced as well. I know this because the ones I wore before could see the beauty of the world with magnificent colors exploding of off God’s creation. I could also see the happiness in peoples eyes as they went about their daily business. But more importantly, I could see me in the future living a clean and abundant life being the best husband and father that a man could be. The eyes that the Nothingness apparently lends me on frequent occasion , have a very different and dark perception. The sun that usually brings warmth and comfort is now blinding and somewhat irritating. And it is also apparent that it prefers the darkness, so the darkness is where I reside while in this sickening mode. I no longer see the beauty of creation but the burden of living on this abysmal and painfully immoral rock in which we call earth. I no longer see the happiness in the peoples eyes but discouragement of mundane living, the shattered dreams etching deep wrinkles on their unsatisfied and unfulfilled faces. The day drags on painfully slow and I can only think of relief of any kind and any way. And so…I do.
I often wonder how much easier it would be to get off of opiates if I did not suffer from reoccurring anxiety and depression. It is quite a dilemma in which I cannot seem to overcome, and I am starting to think that perhaps? I never will…
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Welcome Pinnochio, glad you found us.
I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic and my DOC was opiates. . . in huge amts. I'm sure you know that we cannot give medical advice here, but from my experience, I don't think you can jump down to 40 to nothing without having some kind of withdrawl symptoms. I highly suggest that you go to the doctor who has given you the Rx's in the past for two reasons. One being to burn that bridge! I, too, have medical issues that allowed me to get just about any opiate or benzo that I wanted and I had to close every door that I had open so I don't have as easy of access to my DOC. Sure, pills are pretty easy to get on the street, but do this for your Recovery! Secondly, you need to be under the supervision of a Physician while withdrawling. I was so scared to admit that I'm an addict to the many doctors I was getting pills from, but it had to be done. For the most part, I have had nothing but positive things result from this. Only one was negative and I imagine he was pretty afraid that his license may be in jeoprady down the road somewhere. But that wasn't my concern.
I image you know that just abstaining from your DOC isn't going to do a whole lot as far as changing your life and moving into Recovery. Have you been to any Meetings? If you have insurance, I would check into Outpatient Treatment. Even if you don't there are agencies out there who will take people without insurance, I know that for a fact because most of the times I went into Outpatient, I didn't have any insurance. Many of these groups are held in the evening in order to accomodate those who work during the day. You don't have to let anyone know you relapsed but chances are, those who are close to you already suspect something is up. I always told people that I was going to Outpatient in order to continue to stay clean and sober, which isn't altogether a lie.
Guilt and shame are biggies as far as relapse issues. Our disease wants us to be unhappy, feel guilty and be ashamed, that way it pretty much guarantees that we run back to our DOC in order to cope with these feelings. In Recovery, through NA or AA and in Outpatient, you can learn other coping mechanisms to help you through these situations. You can also learn how to never find the need to pick up again.
I hope you'll stick around, read, post and share what you are comfortable with. Welcome to the SR Family.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,242
We all have tried at some point in our
lives to quit and quit and quit to only
fail again and again and again.
My willpower tho i thought was strong
was really weak to being powerless
all togther.
I went thru rehab and picking up
the tools and knowledge of my
disease of alcoholism and thus
understand why my behavior
during my drinking was nothing
but craziness.....
Finding out about why I did what
I did doesnt make me so ashamed
or guilty any longer.....
If u too learn about addictions then
the road of recovery can be lots of
fun and rewarding.
lives to quit and quit and quit to only
fail again and again and again.
My willpower tho i thought was strong
was really weak to being powerless
all togther.
I went thru rehab and picking up
the tools and knowledge of my
disease of alcoholism and thus
understand why my behavior
during my drinking was nothing
but craziness.....
Finding out about why I did what
I did doesnt make me so ashamed
or guilty any longer.....
If u too learn about addictions then
the road of recovery can be lots of
fun and rewarding.
Go Browns!
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 642
I TOTALLY understand what you are going through. Totally. If you are going to taper to avoid withdrawal you should probably go lower than 40mg.
I tapered off and am nearing the end of my detox. Tapering did help but I definitely still felt the bad stuff. Not as bad as when I did it cold turkey though.
taper lower and slowly. You sound like you would benifit from suboxone though because you said you have tried to quit so many times. Good luck
I tapered off and am nearing the end of my detox. Tapering did help but I definitely still felt the bad stuff. Not as bad as when I did it cold turkey though.
taper lower and slowly. You sound like you would benifit from suboxone though because you said you have tried to quit so many times. Good luck
Friend
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: East Coast, Killa
Posts: 372
Welcome Pinocchio (love the name, btw) - I must say you have a lovely way with words. Can I ask how long you have abused opiates for? I see you mentioned a past hx of heroin abuse and now the oxys? Was the heroin before or after the back injury, and how long ago did that occur? I guess in the long wrong, the timeline is not all that crucial. What I'm getting at is, it seems you have a pretty long history with drug abuse and depression/anxiety...have you tried anything, in lieu of self-medication w/opiates or drs giving you a/ds, meds? Have you ever tried aa/na or another program of recovery? As was mentioned above, just cutting out the opiates c/t is not going to work long-term. I think you need to gain some insight, and tools to help you learn to 'deal w/life on lifes terms' - learning how to live drug free and regain self confidence, motivation and your happiness.
I'm sorry you've had such a rough time....and I was actually going to suggest looking into maintenance therapy (such as suboxone) b/c you have a long history of use. It's unfortunate you had a bad reaction to the medication, but not to fear - there are other ways! I personally have never been able to taper myself, get off and stay off...and it sounds like you have had past failed attempts as well. I think weaning down was a good start...but you'll need to throw something new into to the mix to make it work this time.
I know you mentioned that meds (such as a/ds) haven't worked in the past, but it may be worth talking to a p-doc or addictionologist about giving it another whirl- maybe one of the newer class of drugs? Like you said, you won't know to what extent the depression/anxiety is clincial until you get past the entire w/d and detox period...but I really think you'd benefit from medical intervention to get over the hump, as well as counseling, group sessions or an aa/na type recovery program. It's clear you want this, and you know that you need recovery for your own sanity and happiness...keep posting here...you'll get alot of great advice and hopefully make some good friends in the process. Support is so key! Remember that people here are addicts, or love an addict....we understand the 'nothingness' you speak of, the desire to draw the covers over your eyes and hide from the world...and it is beat-able! It feels good to surround yourself with people who 'get it.'
p.s. have you ever looked into methadone maintenance? I know many see it as scary and 'bad' but there are also people here who will sing it's praises. You should talk to your dr - maybe you'd be a good candidate? My fiance has chronic pain due to severe degenerative disk disease, and as well suffers for anxiety/bi-polar type depression. He's been through all the meds and has tried everything (including subs as well) to get off opiates. He does have bouts of intense pain, however, like you mentioned, he was using more to cover the emotional stuff. He is currently doing well on a low dose methadone regime. Just his experience I thought I'd share. hope that helps!
I'm sorry you've had such a rough time....and I was actually going to suggest looking into maintenance therapy (such as suboxone) b/c you have a long history of use. It's unfortunate you had a bad reaction to the medication, but not to fear - there are other ways! I personally have never been able to taper myself, get off and stay off...and it sounds like you have had past failed attempts as well. I think weaning down was a good start...but you'll need to throw something new into to the mix to make it work this time.
I know you mentioned that meds (such as a/ds) haven't worked in the past, but it may be worth talking to a p-doc or addictionologist about giving it another whirl- maybe one of the newer class of drugs? Like you said, you won't know to what extent the depression/anxiety is clincial until you get past the entire w/d and detox period...but I really think you'd benefit from medical intervention to get over the hump, as well as counseling, group sessions or an aa/na type recovery program. It's clear you want this, and you know that you need recovery for your own sanity and happiness...keep posting here...you'll get alot of great advice and hopefully make some good friends in the process. Support is so key! Remember that people here are addicts, or love an addict....we understand the 'nothingness' you speak of, the desire to draw the covers over your eyes and hide from the world...and it is beat-able! It feels good to surround yourself with people who 'get it.'
p.s. have you ever looked into methadone maintenance? I know many see it as scary and 'bad' but there are also people here who will sing it's praises. You should talk to your dr - maybe you'd be a good candidate? My fiance has chronic pain due to severe degenerative disk disease, and as well suffers for anxiety/bi-polar type depression. He's been through all the meds and has tried everything (including subs as well) to get off opiates. He does have bouts of intense pain, however, like you mentioned, he was using more to cover the emotional stuff. He is currently doing well on a low dose methadone regime. Just his experience I thought I'd share. hope that helps!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I know for me that trying to stay clean long-term on my own will wasn't an option. That's where 12 step programs came into play for me, along with help from licensed professionals in the mental health field.
I never was able to cope with life on life's terms, and I sure wasn't comfortable in my own skin, even as a child growing up. I had this huge gaping hole inside of me that I kept trying to fill with drugs and booze and relationships.
I hope you continue to post here, and please know you are among friends who do understand. :ghug
I never was able to cope with life on life's terms, and I sure wasn't comfortable in my own skin, even as a child growing up. I had this huge gaping hole inside of me that I kept trying to fill with drugs and booze and relationships.
I hope you continue to post here, and please know you are among friends who do understand. :ghug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
Shame on the mess
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I have been abusing opiates for around 7 years I would say. Around 8 years ago my wife had cancer. The constant stress and thought of losing her broke me down and I began abusing opiates as an escape. My entire life has been one of constant stress and turmoil as most addicts can attest to. I have always handles stress by abusing alcohol or drugs of some nature.
While my wife was sick I started missing allot of work and we lost our home. My wife and I as well as our 3 kids were homeless for awhile living in a trailer in a friends back yard. Fortunately, the cancer went into remission but my drug abuse did not. The guilt of being so weak as to lose our home was too much to bear and the entire tragedy opened up old woulds that had long since been buried in my fragile mind. In short my parent both being addicts abandoned me to be raised by my aunt and uncle.
When I was 13, my mother got in touch with me and convinced me to move in with her. 3 years later at the age of 16, she threw me out. I had to drop out of High School in order to make money to feed myself and rent rooms. That is when the drug abuse began. Opiates completed me initially and made me feel whole. This of course is a common occurrence in most of us addicts. In time as my tolerance went up depression took the place of the euphoria. And thats when I began the roller coaster of hell battling this sick disease.
I am happy to say however that my wife has always stood by my side and the cancer has not returned either. I have numerous issues with the IRS and other money related burdens that must be resolved.
When I recently got clean I was going to a outpatient program and AA/NA. I suppose I should mention that I am a recovering alcoholic as well with 8 years sober (from alcohol). As usual, after a few months I began to let down my guard and stopped going to meetings. I am in the Auto industry and the fear of losing my job made my abstinence that much more difficult. I CHOSE to use and I make no excuse. I am sick. I do not have any plan and I just need a place to talk and let this poisonous negative life events out of me for it is crippling my soul. Tapering appears to be my only option right now and I need support to continue on this path. God help me.
While my wife was sick I started missing allot of work and we lost our home. My wife and I as well as our 3 kids were homeless for awhile living in a trailer in a friends back yard. Fortunately, the cancer went into remission but my drug abuse did not. The guilt of being so weak as to lose our home was too much to bear and the entire tragedy opened up old woulds that had long since been buried in my fragile mind. In short my parent both being addicts abandoned me to be raised by my aunt and uncle.
When I was 13, my mother got in touch with me and convinced me to move in with her. 3 years later at the age of 16, she threw me out. I had to drop out of High School in order to make money to feed myself and rent rooms. That is when the drug abuse began. Opiates completed me initially and made me feel whole. This of course is a common occurrence in most of us addicts. In time as my tolerance went up depression took the place of the euphoria. And thats when I began the roller coaster of hell battling this sick disease.
I am happy to say however that my wife has always stood by my side and the cancer has not returned either. I have numerous issues with the IRS and other money related burdens that must be resolved.
When I recently got clean I was going to a outpatient program and AA/NA. I suppose I should mention that I am a recovering alcoholic as well with 8 years sober (from alcohol). As usual, after a few months I began to let down my guard and stopped going to meetings. I am in the Auto industry and the fear of losing my job made my abstinence that much more difficult. I CHOSE to use and I make no excuse. I am sick. I do not have any plan and I just need a place to talk and let this poisonous negative life events out of me for it is crippling my soul. Tapering appears to be my only option right now and I need support to continue on this path. God help me.
Go Browns!
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 642
Thanks for sharing your story.
I literally sat on this website and battled and battled my addiction. Over the last 3 weeks I have been in a constant tug of war with myself over quitting.I am 27 years old. I also just found out that i am pregnant with my third child and my husband is about to leave me and take my kids because of my addiction and all the **** that came with it. I have just FINALLY after fighting with my internal self, just finished detoxing. I am free. Not completely out of the woods (not to mention the naseua and extereme fatigue that come with the first trimester). But I am getting there. Believe me, I NEVER thought I would do it. Never. But I did. I won and so can you.
SO I definitely understand.
You have to get clean and when you do, you cannot under any circumstances replace opiates with another substance. You just cant do it. Either you will die or your wife will leave you or your kids will disown you. I mean what are your kids learning about addiction? How would you feel if one of them became addicted to something? Could you live with yourself knowing that is what they saw their whole lives? I dont know which of those three is the worst. Start going to NA now. Go every day while you are tapering. You will probably have withdrawals while you are tapering. I did. But once I actually quit it was not nearly as bad. I would taper over about 2 weeks. In the mean time I can give you a list of meds/vitamins to have on hand during your taper and detox that helped me if you want it.
Keep posting
I literally sat on this website and battled and battled my addiction. Over the last 3 weeks I have been in a constant tug of war with myself over quitting.I am 27 years old. I also just found out that i am pregnant with my third child and my husband is about to leave me and take my kids because of my addiction and all the **** that came with it. I have just FINALLY after fighting with my internal self, just finished detoxing. I am free. Not completely out of the woods (not to mention the naseua and extereme fatigue that come with the first trimester). But I am getting there. Believe me, I NEVER thought I would do it. Never. But I did. I won and so can you.
SO I definitely understand.
You have to get clean and when you do, you cannot under any circumstances replace opiates with another substance. You just cant do it. Either you will die or your wife will leave you or your kids will disown you. I mean what are your kids learning about addiction? How would you feel if one of them became addicted to something? Could you live with yourself knowing that is what they saw their whole lives? I dont know which of those three is the worst. Start going to NA now. Go every day while you are tapering. You will probably have withdrawals while you are tapering. I did. But once I actually quit it was not nearly as bad. I would taper over about 2 weeks. In the mean time I can give you a list of meds/vitamins to have on hand during your taper and detox that helped me if you want it.
Keep posting
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Thanks for sharing.
Well…get the guards back up…Get back to those meetings. Get a sponsor and work the steps.
With the tapering, am sorry I cant help you with that.
Stay strong.
Ivan
Originally Posted by Pinocchio
I began to let down my guard and stopped going to meetings.
With the tapering, am sorry I cant help you with that.
Stay strong.
Ivan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
Update: I am now down to 40mgs a day. A far stretch from the 400mgs I am use to. It actually has been pretty easy. I am unfortunatey used to WD's and know how to get through it pretty well. The "high" that opiates once brought me has far since been removed making it my constant goal to free myself from this ongoing nightmare.
I have started going to an AA meeting that I used to attend. It works well for me being an alcoholic and I enjoy the company of these "old dudes". Most of them have YEARS of sobriety and are successful and content. Contentment is all I realy want. Being active in addiction makes that impossible.
I have started going to an AA meeting that I used to attend. It works well for me being an alcoholic and I enjoy the company of these "old dudes". Most of them have YEARS of sobriety and are successful and content. Contentment is all I realy want. Being active in addiction makes that impossible.
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Your ADDICTION is talking to you hard right now...it is fighting for your life....YOU CAN get through withdrawal ..it is not easy ...but it WILL work out if you just don't listen to that voice that says you can't...You ARE strong enough....
I have been through some gut wrenching heroin..methadone...withdrawals I know the malaise of wich you describe..Believe me...I still go through periods of depression now that I think I will not get through...but learning to deal with the CURE is better that dying with this addiction crap...and dope like that will certainly KILL you...as we both know....
So stay strong...borrow someone elses stregnth if you don't have enough of your own...
Oh cool..just read your last post and you went to the meeting!! right on..
Gotta go get ready for the big Saturday night TV viewing!!!!.......Americas Most Wanted:-0...cops ...the usual !!!!
talk soon Pinochio...remember...you don't have to lie to kick it here!!!!!
LOL...
love north
I have been through some gut wrenching heroin..methadone...withdrawals I know the malaise of wich you describe..Believe me...I still go through periods of depression now that I think I will not get through...but learning to deal with the CURE is better that dying with this addiction crap...and dope like that will certainly KILL you...as we both know....
So stay strong...borrow someone elses stregnth if you don't have enough of your own...
Oh cool..just read your last post and you went to the meeting!! right on..
Gotta go get ready for the big Saturday night TV viewing!!!!.......Americas Most Wanted:-0...cops ...the usual !!!!
talk soon Pinochio...remember...you don't have to lie to kick it here!!!!!
LOL...
love north
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Glad to hear you're doing well. I hope you are going to continue to go to Meetings for a long time. Our disease likes to tell us, as you very well know, that we're "cured" first pulling us away from our Meetings and other areas of support. Soon, the feeling of being able to take just one or drink just one, no matter for what reason, begins to echo in our minds until we give in. And then soon enough, we're right back where we were, in no time. No, I take that back, it always worse than it was before we stopped. I never realized that my bottoms could get worse. Was I ever wrong.
I hope you'll continue to post and share how you're doing.
God Bless,
Judy
I hope you'll continue to post and share how you're doing.
God Bless,
Judy
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
