Shame on the mess
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I have been abusing opiates for around 7 years I would say. Around 8 years ago my wife had cancer. The constant stress and thought of losing her broke me down and I began abusing opiates as an escape. My entire life has been one of constant stress and turmoil as most addicts can attest to. I have always handles stress by abusing alcohol or drugs of some nature.
While my wife was sick I started missing allot of work and we lost our home. My wife and I as well as our 3 kids were homeless for awhile living in a trailer in a friends back yard. Fortunately, the cancer went into remission but my drug abuse did not. The guilt of being so weak as to lose our home was too much to bear and the entire tragedy opened up old woulds that had long since been buried in my fragile mind. In short my parent both being addicts abandoned me to be raised by my aunt and uncle.
When I was 13, my mother got in touch with me and convinced me to move in with her. 3 years later at the age of 16, she threw me out. I had to drop out of High School in order to make money to feed myself and rent rooms. That is when the drug abuse began. Opiates completed me initially and made me feel whole. This of course is a common occurrence in most of us addicts. In time as my tolerance went up depression took the place of the euphoria. And thats when I began the roller coaster of hell battling this sick disease.
I am happy to say however that my wife has always stood by my side and the cancer has not returned either. I have numerous issues with the IRS and other money related burdens that must be resolved.
When I recently got clean I was going to a outpatient program and AA/NA. I suppose I should mention that I am a recovering alcoholic as well with 8 years sober (from alcohol). As usual, after a few months I began to let down my guard and stopped going to meetings. I am in the Auto industry and the fear of losing my job made my abstinence that much more difficult. I CHOSE to use and I make no excuse. I am sick. I do not have any plan and I just need a place to talk and let this poisonous negative life events out of me for it is crippling my soul. Tapering appears to be my only option right now and I need support to continue on this path. God help me.