The Shame of Relapse
*sigh*...
I am so ashamed and depressed due to my relapse on Oxycontin. On November 5th 2008, I was so depressed due to my opiate addiction I decided to quit Oxycontin cold turkey. I was taking around 400 mgs a day give or take 40mgs to 80mgs. At the time, no matter how much I took, I just felt awful to the point of having suicidal ideation. The constant obsession over obtaining these pills sucked the desire to live right out of me. This had been my 3rd time trying to get off.
After a couple weeks of the acute WD's I had gotten the worst behind me thought the depression and malaise never really left. Around Around December 25th I began taking Vicodin for a tooth ache. I thought I could take them for just a short while and stop soon after...(phhffffff...what a joke) because I had been clean for around 60 days and my tolerance went way down. Unfortunately here I am 83 days later of using and hooked again.
I am taking around 80 mgs a day down from the 160mgs of oxy I was chewing a week ago. If I can get down to 40mgs a for a week do you think I can just jump cold turkey from that amount without going through the ringer as I did from my 400mgs jump? I am afraid of going weeks with the insomnia and God awful heebie jeebies again.
None of my friends know I have relapsed and the shame is unbearable. My dilemma is that I cannot miss work or go inpatient due to financial obligations.
Why do I always do this to myself?