Strongwoman

Hello, I had dated him for 6 years. co-dependent enabler I was and finally am out of the relationship. The stress was literally slowly killing me. I have my own life again and he lives in another state. His addiction had always been whatever was put in front of him..alcohol, cocaine etc.. in the past year he went over the deep end and picked up the glass pipe and starting smoking meth and pawning everything he could. I moved him out and I got roommates and eventually he moved home (where he grew up) to get clean.. he said he wanted it so bad.

In the past month he managed to find it in his town with old friends and now has learned how to make it. He is home at moms again going through detox.
I am here. His mom flew me here.. Something positive she said. I came becuase I miss him and wanted to help her cope. just letting him sleep for now. He is on day three and generally he will be up to be in land of living by tomorrow.. I've clearly done this with him b4.. He will be irritable however once we go in public or if anything is too much for him..
He says he really wanted it and hates that he relapsed. two weeks ago when he admitted it he said he wanted to go in 30 day program... he also said he didnt want to because on back ground checks for jobs it will show him as unstable or admitted.. is this true? I know he needs a doctor/professional to talk to him about what is hurting and his addiction. He says he doesnt see how telling someone stranger his problems is going to help him.. he thinks he can just stay busy and make better choices and he can get better.. I dont truly think he believes this.. I believe he is too scared to deal with any real emotions he has. he always chooses false emotions by being under the influence.
I am here to give support. I know I can not do anything to make it happen. I wish I could but since we havent been together I am finding myself again and am better.. not quite great yet but better... I want him to be my husband and have his babies.. I wish he didnt mess up while we were apart and get his 1st childs mom pregnant again.. ugh .. yes really.. if its even his. she is a mess too.. I realize my life must keep moving forward and work on myself and my happiness though regardless of where he is in his.
however, I am going home on friday.. in a few days a talk with mom, step dad and myself will be happening to suggest options...
any suggestions would be amazing.. i still havent made it to a meeting for myself.. I cant (not an addict) make it to one.. How can i expect him to bring himself to do it..
Ahhh good to talk..:praying

I feel for any loved one who has an addict in there lives. i pray for all of us. I am able to feel happy again..I wish he could be.

Taking5

Rehab is a medical issue and will not show up on background checks. Your medical history cannot even be exposed in a court of law and if your Dr discloses it illegally, she/he can lose their license. This is a total non-issue.

DUI and arrests, on the other hand, will show up on background tests. If he hasn't had one of these yet, there is a good chance he will unless he sobers up for good. Maybe this can get him to go to rehab.

Sunflowers

*hugs* Sorry that you are having to go through this... as far as the mental/rehab issue showing up on a background check? Just personal experience here... after my son was born I had post partum depression really really bad, and ended up in a ward for a month. I have NEVER had trouble with anything showing up on a background check. Medical info is privileged. Don't let him use that one excuse to avoid a program!

Impurrfect

((Strongerwoman)) - Sweetie, what are you doing for YOU? He's a big boy, and can get the help if he truly wants it.

I'm sorry, but I'm a recovering crack addict and a recovering codie. I hear more excuses of why he can't get help, that him truly wanting help.

There is no reason you can't go to a meeting of al-anon..they are for loved ones of addicts.

As far as wanting him to be your husband and have kids with him, I would strongly recommend you wait until he has a year of solid recovery under his belt before you even consider that. From what I've read, he has already brought 2 kids into this world and is still actively using. Adults make the choice, whether or not to allow an addict into their life. These innocent children don't have that choice.

You are absolutely right...there is nothing you can do or say that will make him get clean. Until he is forced to face the consequences of his using, he will probably keep doing it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

liesagain

your question was .......he relapsed now what, but you said you had alreary removed him from your daily life..........but you went to where he was to lend support.

It sounds like you have put yourself back in a front row seat to his active addiction, which may be what you feel you needed to do but that decision also returns the pain and drama to your life.............

He can go to treatment and it not be an issue in his future employment............it kills me when they ( addicts) use that excuse........because arrests for drug use or posession which they chance each and everytime they pick up will 100% have an impact yet they are willing to do that over and over with NO thought of future employment.

The plain truth and answer about him............and the NOW what question is................two fold
1. he has to want recovery, and I mean want it soooo much that theres NOTHING hes not willing to do to get it and he has to take the necessary steps to find recovery for himself...........that may be meetings treatment basically whatever it takes
2. people have to step out of the way and let him find recovery........

I know you said you love him want to marry him and have his children...............but I was like to suggest that you read around here.........all the women who have active addicts in their life and are struggling with the effects the addiction has on their children....I'm one of those women and can tell you first hand that an active addict isnt the dad you want for your child.

best wishes for you and your family..................

winnie12

It always amazes me when i hear women say that they want to have kids with an addict. i cannot possibly understand this. My son's dad is an addict but i never looked at him as someone i wanted kids with - it happened because of my naitivity when i was young and dumb - he told me that he couldnt have kids because of an accident and stupid me believed him. Now I know that was just his lie because he didnt want to wear a condom. He hasnt been a dad at all - never did anything for our son except cause him pain.

If you want your kids dad to be loving, kind, supportive, responsible then why choose someone who shows no signs of that? He is who he is and having kids wont change that. If its just about you and your life then do what you want to do but dont bring kids into the circle of pain - you do have a choice with that. Even a recovering addict has a lifetime of difficulty to overcome so i would be very sure that he has many years of sobriety under his belt before even considering children.

atalose

Strongwoman,

First, I am so sorry to see that you relapsed with your codependency.

And second the only suggestion I can offer is get yourself back home, don’t wait until Friday. Get yourself to a meeting, read codependent no more, devote as much energy, time and emotion you have given your ex and put all that back into you.

I think you may have ended the physical relationship with him but you never ended the emotionally part, now you’re right back into the middle of his addiction. Your codependency is in full swing; please get yourself to a meeting.

Strongwoman

I am really glad I posted on here. I love that you said I relapsed in my co-dependency.. Wow was my response. So true. I new it but not in those words. thank you for that..
I want to further explain that by no means do I plan on having children or marrying him anytime time soon and I will also not wait around. just to clarify.
I have not let go of the emotional you are right.
Thank you so much for the responses.
I have to run and will check back soon.

Prayers

winnie12

That's good to hear!!!

Chino

Which guy do you miss, the addict or the one you used to know?

The best suggestion I can give you about coping and options are meetings. It's free and it's Monday. That gives you all 4 days, counting today. You all have an opportunity right now to do and start something profound and awesome. Strength in numbers

When I first came on here, I read "work the program you wish they would." It was a very much needed reminder. I had forgotten one of my motto's, "never ask others to do what I'm unwillingly."

If you can't find a local meeting, how about working the first step together at home?

Nar-Anon meetings

Al-Anon meetings

Strongwoman

Do you know where I can find that to read on here? "work the program ..."

Thank you.. His family wants us to drive to the smoky mountains and vacation.. this kills me. Step Dad thinks that by staying on his ass non stop that it will keep him clean... Ugh..

I guess they have to go through there process too until they figure it out. I was feeling so strong and today he got to me a bit. He left with out saying anything and I my entire being began to worry like it used too. He came back pretty quick with mcdonalds. I am so glad I dont feel like this on a daily basis anymore... looking out the window asking were are you going and continuing to keep checking that window until they return..
I feel sensitive and down today.. time to pull it together and shower and remember how independent and strong I was a few days ago... what a life this was. :ghug:wtf2

123bubblegum123

impurrfect i TOTALLY agree
strongwoman, let's change that to strong independent woman! it's time to move on with your life. i was in a relationship with a coke addict on & off for 4 years. nothing changed, except when i decided to officially leave. yes, i felt bad leaving his mother to cope with it all. but honestly, it was draining all of my time! you absolutely need to help yourself, and put yourself first. life will become more positive.

there are plenty of great men out there who aren't addicted to drugs & alcohol. time to leave this relationship for your own sanity!

Kallista

This isn't true in most states in the US.

With a court order or a subpeona, I can get nearly all mental health records and medical records, if I have a reason to request them in a civil lawsuit, family court matter or criminal lawsuit.

A doctor cannot disclose it without your permission, but the court can and will order you to sign the permission form. If you refuse, you can be sent to jail for contempt.

Chino

It was a very simple one sentence statement made by a member here. It screamed out at me because I'm a one liner kind of person. Short and very much to the point.

The more I did what I wanted my daughter to do, I very gently began detaching from not only her, but all my codie relationships

Strongwoman

Hi. It's been years. I am reviewing some of my old posts because I am having a hard time in a new situation. I just wanted to let you know that your comment way back then was the one that stuck in my head. Thank you so much. I will figure again whatever is going on now.. you telling me while I was blabbing about my Addict that I in fact was the one that relapsed was amazing. Plus....codependent no more hit home like no other. Thank you so very much...