MamaBear2Cubs

I need some advice on how to best protect your finances from an addicted spouse, and I'm shocked at how little information there is on this topic! So I thought I'd turn to all of you and see how you made it work.

I recently discovered that my husband is an alcoholic and a cocaine addict. The alcohol I suspected, but couldn't prove, and the cocaine completely caught me by shock. I'm also dealing with the financial fall out - the reason I didn't know was because he had a separate account, at a separate bank, with an attached credit card. He billed everything to the credit card, pulling money from the ATM for our joint account just to cover the minimum payment. That's actually how it all started to come to light - I noticed that he was pulling hundreds of dollars out of the ATM each month, which he had never done until this year, and I confronted him about it. He fessed up that he still maintained a credit card from before we were married, but he had paid it off long ago and forgotten about it. He claimed that the annual fees were stacking up and they called him, so he was making payments on that. I told him to close it out, he said he did. I told him to stop taking money from the ATM without talking to me. He said he would, but surprise, he didn't! So I took away his debit card. That's when cash started to go missing and I put it all together to equal a drug addiction.

Once the addiction came to light, there were so many skeletons in the closet that it wasn't safe or healthy for any of us to have him continue living in the home. He's living with a family member and the only financial resource he has is my credit card. He's an authorized user, but it's my card. I have all of the checks and debit cards. I let him keep the one credit card because it was the safest option at the time until I could figure out a better option. I told him to only charge the absolute necessities - gas, groceries, emergency items, etc. No eating out or entertainment, since that money now needed to go to his debts. It's only been 1 month and he's already violating that agreement and he's quickly racking up the credit card eating out 2X/day. Not only that, but we got a letter from his other bank notifying him that he's about to go into collections or that balance since it's unpaid.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Obviously, I can't let him continue to have access to our money and he needs to be put on a budget. But the logistics of how that works is where I'm struggling.

I can't straight up separate our accounts and have my paycheck go into one account and his paycheck go into another. I need both of our checks to continue to go into the communal pool so that I can continue to pay our bills and I don't trust that he'll transfer money into the communal pool if his check goes into an account that I can't access.

I was hoping that I could give him a checking account and transfer money into that, but I just got off the phone with the bank and I can't do that, either. I can open another joint account, or I can open one for myself. That's it.

I'm also left with the problem of the "secret" credit card. I want to tell him it's his problem and he should figure it out, but we live in a community property state. So, if I pay for it, that continues to enable him. But if I don't, debt collectors can come after me for his debts. Which is incredibly unfair, because I can't even access the account since I'm not on it, but I'm somehow responsible for it?

I can't give him a cash budget because I don't trust that he won't spend it on coke, but I can't give him a pre-paid card because then he can't pay his credit card and we're right back at square one.

So...what do I do? It looks like my only options are to:
A) open another joint account and put a budgeted amount into there. We'd both have debit cards for that and the direct deposits would continue to go into the main account. That still leaves him the option of going into a branch and taking money out of the main account in person.
B) Set up an account for me, change my direct deposit to go into that account and transfer the bulk of his checks into my account each payday. He would get a debit card for the joint account. I would have to change all of our auto payments to be paid from my account.

What would you all do?

JimC60

Sorry you are going through this.

I am afraid I am not "banking savvy" enough to confidently offer any advice which could help you. I am sure there are others here that can and probably will, however, I believe they will need to know what State (or country) you are in to be of any help.

Do not be surprised if they contact you via the Private Message function on this forum rather than any public postings.

Do you have a local financial adviser? Attorney?

One day at a time,

Jim

Hechosedrugs

I tried for years to wrangle control over finances from my AXH. I staged an intervention with his father after he drained our check and savings accounts . I tried having separate bank accounts and paying the bills, leaving him with an allowance that was more than what the kids and I lived off of, combined. The agreement was that he would use a portion of that to pay off some of the bills he'd racked up. He didn't pay them, just let them accumulate outrageous interest, and used all of the money on drugs and online gaming. I filed for divorce but he really laid his act on thick. Said he was finally ready to be the man this family deserved. Paid for a postnuptial agreement in which he said he would not open any new lines of credit and that I would have access to all financial records. We opened a joint bank account. His word was no good. Surprise! And now I'm stuck with half the debt. Lucky him, though- he's about to get a settlement from a military lawsuit he took part in. It will be enough to pay off all his debt, with another $40,000 to play around with. Because he'll be receiving it after the date of separation, I won't be entitled to any of it. Sucks to be me! Sucks to have trusted someone who time and time again proved he was untrustworthy!

Just a little allegory for you. Best of luck.

MyLoves

option b and cancelling the credit card you gave him are really your only options. what he does with the money you give him is up to you and you really have no control over that.

also, he's an addict - if he wants coke or alcohol, no matter what you do to try and control the money, he will find a way to get what he wants. is he getting help with his addictions? does he even think he has a problem?

AnvilheadII

i'd say you need to consider legal action.....formal separation or start divorce proceedings and maybe throw a temporary injunction in there.

i'd CANCEL the card that is your name or UNauthorize his use.
i would set up a new separate bank account and start shutting down any accounts to which he has access.

this is about more than him being on a budget. you are a couple universes over from this being a balance sheet problem!!!! even that card that he took out in his name only is "your" debt, being a community property state. if he can't pay, they will find you. thus my urging that you take legal action SWIFTLY.

cynical one

Tips for living with an addict

Maudcat

Agree with Anvill. Cancel any card he has access to, close bank accounts where he has same. Be sure to leave enough money to clear checks. Coke and booze are expensive. Good luck.

MamaBear2Cubs

Thank you all for your advice. To answer some of the questions, yes he is in treatment, but I don't think his heart is in it. I made him deal with getting into treatment and he chose a path that will let him skate by on the bare minimum. He goes to group 1 night/week and 1 night of "yoga." I know he's met with an individual counselor, but I don't know if that's a regular part of his therapy. He gets UA'so in Mondays and Wednesdays, which leaves him open to use from Wednesday night to Friday night without testing positive on Monday. Other than that, I don't know much about his treatment and I think that's how he wants it. He chose a facility that he knows I can't get to on weekdays because I work way too far away, so there goes family therapy. They don't take our insurance, but he got his parents to pay. Now that he's out of the house, I'm seeing a pattern where he controls the info that comes to me. That's how he was able to hide his addictions for so long. He knows I have to take him at his word for treatment because the insurance statements aren't even coming to me. I spoke to him on the phone tonight and he was obviously intoxicated, lied, got defensive, demanded my trust and hung up. Not a good sign! I think option B is the only way to go, for now. I was hoping I could work with him once he got into treatment, but I guess not!

AnvilheadII

He knows I have to take him at his word for treatment because the insurance statements aren't even coming to me.

i suggest you do NOT take him at his word, assume everything is a variation of a lie and act accordingly.

FireSprite

Are you POSITIVE about the bolded part above? That was NOT the case in my experience. Since I was never an account owner on RAH's personal credit card, they have not been able to pursue me for repayment. I was even an authorized User - but I never signed any documentation accepting liability for the account so no matter how much the credit card companies threatened to force me to repay, it was all bluff because they legally couldn't. To the best of my knowledge, it has never appeared on my credit report either.

Financial abuse is the one area I have the most regret over in my own experience down the rabbit-hole of addiction & one I will NEVER make again, no matter how much secret-keeping I have to do to protect myself & DD.

IME the only way to deal with an active addict is to cut them off from access to cash & credit completely.... there is NEVER enough & I chased my tail in circles constantly trying to cover the debts he was rapidly creating. I tried exactly what you are doing, giving him a card & expecting him to keep to some sort of budget - good lord I WAS as crazy as him by the end! If he had been capable of this kind of logic/reasoning, we wouldn't have been in that situation to begin with.... I can totally see how unreasonable my expectations were now, in hindsight. I had to track his usage online regularly OR get surprised with a huge bill I couldn't cover at the end of the month. Both kept me locked in my codependent role.

Based on what you shared, I'd go option B - new single account. Just be sure to name a direct beneficiary on all individual accounts, just in case... most banks refer to this as a "Transfer/Payable on Death" type of account & abbreviate it as a POD or TOD. That person is never an owner of the account, but can easily & quickly access the account if (god forbid) something happens to you. I wanted my sister to be able to use my money to provide for DD if something happened to me - without waiting for estate settlement, etc.

I'd also make sure to open the account at a NEW bank - not the one where you currently have a joint account (they can draw funds off of it to satisfy overdrafts in other accts) and not at the bank where he has his "secret" acct, for obvious reasons.

The scary part of this for me was thinking about HOW LONG this had been happening & how I literally couldn't believe a single word that he ever said..... and then I realized this also meant that I really didn't know this person any longer at all (if I ever really did). I kept treating him like the person I had fallen in love with but in reality, that person had been gone for a very long time. I had to take a gigantic step back & observe, observe, observe for a long time (after he got sober of course) so that I could start to properly label & assign his truths & lies & develop a whole new definition for him as a person. Good Luck!

LovesToTravel

I would check on this. You were married when the case started you should be entitled to some, even though it came after. For that amount of money I would get a lawyer and pursue before he spends it all.