cassandra2

My abf, who was clean for over 90 days, has relapsed and is back on the pills.

When I found out I didnt react. A voice in my head said that this is what addicts do.

So why am I not angry? Should I be? In fact I am at a strange peace now. I have decided that his pain of using wasnt bad enough. I have decided that I cant control him or his decisions he makes. I have decided that I must COMPLETELY let go.

So just when I get to this place a family member says that I should be angry and that by me not saying anything to him I am condoning his behavior.

So now I am asking myself is this peace denial or geniune?

I cant be angry at someone else for a choice that they made because its their choice. Whether I think that is right or wrong. I feel that I have come a long way in my own recovery to be able to say that.

I tried to explain to my family member that maybe this relapse is the precusor to him hitting a real "rock bottom" and who am I to stand in his way.

Just thought I could get some feed back from you guys......

timetogo

I often find that people who tell me how I should feel in a situation have absolutely no idea about the situation. That's why I love coming here. Everyone understands what it is like to live in this world. Very few of my friends or family understand. They just thinks he's an A**H*** that should be able to stop any time he wants. It has destroyed his relationships with his family because they get angry with him. Which is not what he needs or wants from them. But I can't control that and I've learned to let it go.

I think that it sounds like you are making incredible strides in your recovery and you have come to a place that you know how you need to handle things to keep yourself healthy and protected.

When it comes to others telling me what I should do or should feel, I take what I need and leave the rest.

Laurie

marle

Condoning his behavior? Now that is funny. I guess that they just don't understand that no matter what we do or say, the addict is going to do what he is going to do. You feel whatever way is right for you. You are doing okay. Hugs, Marle

cassandra2

Thanks for the replies. Sometimes on this journey we need a self check to make sure that we are still on the right path.

I guess it threw me for a loop when my family member was really upset that I wasnt upset. Anvil I tried to explain about the expectation thing. I tried to tell her that I if I was angry that meant I would be expecting someone to do something FOR ME. I told her that I was done rolling like that.

I was tired of being disappointed with OTHER people.

I really hope that he can get back on the wagon but if he doesnt that is his deal and not mine. I have gotten to the point where I can take it or leave it. That is also HUGE for me.

I also want to say that I could see the relapse coming. So taken aback yes, surprised no, upset, at first, got over it rather quickly. End of the world, not a chance.

He had been romanticizing the pills for a couple of weeks. He even said he if he got back on the pills he could control it. I knew that it was only a matter of time.

But this is his road to travel, not mine.

outtolunch

Perhaps your lack of anger about his relapse is that you understand that
it's not about you and the kids. It's all about addiction.

Perhaps you have already drilled down to the real emotions behind most expressions of anger; fear, frustration, disappointment and/or saddness.

You understand that you cannot love, talk or scream him out of this. It's his battle with his demons.

outtolunch

I like the way you put this. He had already rationalized his relapse.

Just curious, was he able to find employment while he was in recovery?

cassandra2

Yes, he was really starting to turn things around for himself. He got a job, got a car, got enrolled in an accounting program and was coming around.

And yes outtolunch he was rationalizing his relapse. His pain had returned and simply said one day that he was in chronic pain and that he could go to any doctor and get pills again. It only took four days for those pills to be gone and he was calling the doc for more.

I did ask if anyone else knew about him being back on the pills and he said no only I did. I only found out by accident. The pill bag (from walgreens) was in his car. I was sitting in the front seat and noticed it and just looked at him. I asked what he was gonna do about his treatment. He said he was hoping that they wouldnt find out. I had to chuckle (to my self) because they are still doing drug tests and only an addict would think that he could not be found out even with a drug test.......

Chino

I had a few friends say they knew I had to be angry when I learned of my daughter's addiction. She even said later she needed me to be disappointed in her. Well, my initial reaction was oh no, you're sick and need help. No anger, no disappointment.

I should have stuck with that but, because I'm a codie and was talking to all the wrong people, I started trying to control her with my anger. Big mistake. Not for her, for me.

I had acceptance from the start and it's taken me a lot of hard work to get back to that. You've also worked hard to get to this place, hold tight to it

cassandra2

This is still a little area of trouble for me because I find that I need someone else to justify that what I am feeling is ok. I dont. I really dont. Because like Anvil said what I feel I feel. I choose not to go back to the crazymaking that I lived through when he lived here in active addiction.

I still have to tell myself (sometimes outloud) to let it go but the big accomplishment here is that A.) I see it and once you accomplished that the hard part is over. B.) I stop myself BEFORE I react and ask myself is this out of the realm of something I can control.

If I answer yes this is something I have NO CONTROL over then I let it go.

I read here the other day that resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person drops dead! I love that because anger turns into resentment and that kind of pain is optional and I am not owning that one!!!!

Wanted to share something else. I have learned really learned to turn it over to GOD. Because if I do then it seems to work itself out without the drama of me fretting over something I have no control over. That is GREAT PEACE.

Abundance

Whatever you are doing to have gotten to this place....... keep on doing it!

devastated

You know, Cassandra, this is exactly how I felt when I knew my son had used again after spending 3 years in prison.

I just thought to myself, "oh well, his choice, his decision." I knew I must have detached when he stayed out all night and I didn't lose a wink of sleep over it!

I knew I had detached when I stopped worrying where he was and what he might be doing.

It's like a peace goes over you and you just don't know what it is or why you're feeling so calm? I almost felt guilty about it.

Anyway, sounds to me like you have reached that point in your life too.

I hope you have 'cause it is a wonderful place to be.

Hugs, Devastated

steve137

as you know, i am fairly new to this, but i can understand that you reach a point and cannot be angry anymore. you being angry at his behavior is ina way controllinh him. he is fee to make his choices. i never got angry wit hmy gf for the things she has done, just disappointed at what i beleive are poor choices. when i told friends about her thinking about taking up with her friends newly exbf they all lost it. to me it was not surprising. it hurts when they do things, but how can we control it? i could fight for her, but then that is not her being with me because she wants to be. i could tel her she has to stop al partying and be clean for 6 months, but she doesnt want to stop smokng weed. your feelings are your own. there is nothing wrong about not being angry.

Serenity Bound

cassandra, sounds to me like you are doing VERY well in your recovery. So many times, people want to tell us how to feel/or what we should do, these are people who have NOT walked in our shoes.

You feel what you feel, and forget the rest!!

greeteachday

Wow...this is just chock full of recovery! It's sort of like the short version of all we learn. No wonder you did not feel anger; you've grown so much and have learned the art of detachment with love.

I smiled when I saw "sometimes out loud." I do that as well when necessry. Sometimes it just "sticks" better when I say it out loud, and sometimes I need to do that because I can't awfulize and talk out loud at the same time.

I am sorry he relapsed and I hope that your example of recovery in action will encourage him to get back on a good path.

Impurrfect

(((Cass)))

I'm a bit late on this, but just wanted to say that I, too, think you are doing great! I'm sorry he's relasped, but you saw it coming, and you're taking care of you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

NeedingHelp7

Cassandra, I found with me when I would find out about AH relapsing, using again. I would go numb. I would think it was peace but its an actual numbing survival thing that happens during emotional trauma. I wouldn't feel the anger nor pain at times til days later. Good thing you have completely let go. Hold on, and have faith.

Blessings,
NH7

winnie12

I remember last year when my son was deep in his addiction. My father - who is the posterchild for control freak - could not understand why i didnt just stop my son. He felt i should be at his school stopping the drugs up there and forcing my child to stay clean. i tried to explain to him but i couldnt get through - i had to take a couple of months away from him because he was derailing me from what i knew i had to do. The last time when my son ran away from rehab - they kept saying why why why and I just said "becuase he's an addict." that's the only answer I would give - he does this because he's an addict. They needed someone to blame for my son but finally, it sank in with them that i had tried everything else and there was nothing left. My parents didnt accept the addiction until after I did. So a year ago they were filled with blame for me and now they are filled with respect for me as a mother. It just took time for them to get to the same place I am at. I learned to deal with the others in my life in a similar way as the addict - we detach from their emotions and opinions.

bluebelle

Cassandra,
Nobody can tell you how you "should" feel! That's too bad that the relative decided to make a comment like that. That's too bad that he relapsed, but you are right. It does make him closer to his bottom. My ABF's last relapse was like that. He started to think that he could control his use. I guess he wasn't able to accept how much he needed sobriety. It is like his relapse was inevitible because he wasn't ready to completely give up the pain pills. Those 90 days are not lost. He learned some skills that he can use in the future. Good luck to you. I'm sending prayers your way.

farfaraway

This post is from a loooong time ago, but I went searching for the words "not angry" and I got exactly the ESH I needed to get today from this post.

My uncle wrote me an email in which he mentions that my 90 year old great aunt doesn't understand "why I would be angry" at my presently clean-but nevertheless-drug addicted sister. And that I should call my aunt because she is angry at me!

My entire family doesn't get it. I'M NOT ANGRY. Skeptical, mistrustful, distanced - these things I am in regards to my sister. But she can't make me angry anymore. Even if she uses again, it won't make me angry.

If my aunt wasn't 90 years old I wouldn't waste my time anymore. I hope that we can patch things up before it's too late.