SundaysChild

I need some advice from "oldtimers" in AlAnon or NarAnon. A woman who has been very helpful to me over the past year died suddenly this week. She was a member of our local "mama posse", and leaves two sons and her husband. I'm pretty broken up about it - she was a terrific woman, who was a model of serenity. The wake is today. I'd like to go and pay my respects...but am not sure what to say. What I'd like to say is how terrific she was, how much she helped me, and how much she'll be missed. However -I'm not sure if her husband or sons knew about her AlAnon membership - I assume (dangerous word) they did...but maybe they didn't.

So, do I go? And if I do, what do I say about where I knew her from?

Has anyone been in this situation before, and, if so, how did you handle it?

Zube

Hi SC-

I'd go and pay my respects. Chances are the husband and sons are going to be so devastated that you won't be asked. But if you are, I see no harm in saying that you knew her from Al-Anon. Perhaps if they didn't know that she was going, it might find them vulnerable enough to do something about their illness.

So long as you are not worried about breaking your own anonymity, you'll be fine.

Sorry for your loss,
Zube

GardenMama

SundaysChild, Sorry to hear about you losing someone important in your recovery journey. I am not a long-term NarAnon member, but if one of the members of my group died suddenly, I would be at the wake. She was an important person in your life this past year, and that is really all that you need to say, if it comes up that you have the opportunity to say anything. Affirm to the family what a good soul she was. Wakes and funerals are for those left behind--in my opinion, you have every good reason to be there.

SundaysChild

My concern is breaking her anonymity with her family- and causing them pain instead of solace. I.e. if her sons didn't know about her involvement in AlAnon, hearing about it might reinforce the pain that their addictions caused her....since a wake isn't the time to explain what AlAnon is and isn't...

laurie6781

Of course, go, she was a very important person to you.

I doubt that the question will come up, however, if it does, it is very easy to
say "we met so long ago that I don't remember who introduced us, but she
was a WONDERFUL friend to me."

No need to mention Alanon at all.

Just go so you can get just a bit of closure on losing someone so special to
you.

Love and hugs,

Hanna

You should definitely go. Like others wrote, it is unlikely that you will be asked how you knew her, but if so you could say, "We met years ago doing volunteer work" or something similar. It is an accurate description given how much people help one another in alon and naranon.

It is thoughtful of you to care. My condolences on the loss of your friend.

MsPINKAcres

please accept my sympathy in the loss of your precious friend ~

I have had situations where it has not been easy to explain how I have met "recovery'' friends and I have used Laurie's example ~

"geez we have known each other so long, I can't even remember how we met"
"we met thru mutual friends a long time ago, got rid of the mutual friends & kept each other" <- a good one to break the ice, give everyone a smile and change the subject

prayers of peace, healing and comfort for all who love your precious friend ~
gentle pink hugs

SundaysChild

Thanks- I appreciate the suggested wording, and will definitely be going.

lightseeker

I am sorry for your loss...and yes, I'd go, too. I would also skirt the direct questions with the wording that has been suggested. I don't want to break annonymonity even when someone has passed on.

I'm glad that you are going - and I'm glad that you had someone that wonderful in your life.

devastated

I agree with the others which is for you to go and pay your respects. Don't think it's necessary to go into too much detail, just can say how much wisdom she brought into your life.

Hugs, Devastated

crazybabie

I am sorry for your loss.

SundaysChild

Thanks to all for your help. I was able to go and let her husband and sons know how much she meant to me.

Our time here is so short. Two weeks ago, before Christmas, we were sitting at a meeting - and she was bringing her wit and warmth into a small group- all the time worried about how she'd handle both sons home for the holidays. Then just like that- she's gone.

Her final gift to me was the knowledge that we really should live everyday as if it's our last...because it might very well be.

MsPINKAcres

What a beautiful gift you gave her family ~

continued prayers of healing for all who love her ~

((SundaysChild))