LaTour

Hi,

After twenty great years, my wife, who I've known since college, has become dependent on alcohol. We have two tween girls who mean everything to me, but it's ugly at home now.

I found this group when Googling a specific problem, and you seem like a decent bunch, so I'm willing to give it a try.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I am sorry for your situation.

I hope that you will seek help and support for yourself and your daughters.

Have you considered AlAnon?

TryingSoHard

Hi LaTour, and welcome to SR.

I am the wife and mom with the drinking problem in my family. I hid my drinking from my husband and had myself convinced that he didn't have a clue what was going on (and therefore I wasn't hurting him at all, just myself).

Does your wife admit to having a problem with alcohol or is she in denial about it? Just curious, to try to get a feel for her perspective on the situation.

Please feel free to continue posting in this area (or any other area you feel is appropriate) but I do believe you will get A LOT out of visiting the Friends and Family forum. It will be interesting and helpful for you to get the perspective of alcoholics, but the F&F people will give you support from people who have walked in your shoes. I can tell you one thing you will hear repeatedly there, and I fully believe it and support it:

Take care of you. You didn't cause her problem, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You CAN control how you respond and how you take care of yourself and your daughters, and that is where your focus should lie.

Best wishes to you.

p.s. I'm almost 5 months sober and my husband is incredibly supportive of me. He says things are A LOT better now.

nelco

Hello, I think "tryingsohard" has just about covered everything I wanted to say so let me just wish you well and your very welcome friend....

least

I agree you should also post in the Friends and Family forum. And I think as well that TSH said it perfectly.

Welcome! Please do take good care of yourself and your kids.

:ghug3

LaTour

Thank you so much, everyone. I definitely will post in the FF forum. Forgive me if I cut and paste some of this there. No disrespect intended.

But to answer a few questions...

Last week I attended a full day workshop for family members and it was great. Not Al-Anon but a big supporter of AA, and the leaders urged us all to attend. I found a group nearby that meets Mondays and was planning on going tonight, until I had to step in and rescue my kids unexpectedly. See the ps.

I learned so much that day. I'm embarrassed to say how much I had been doing wrong, but I keep reminding myself to cut yours truly some slack. This alcoholic thing came out of the blue, and it's not like you're prepared for this. YES. The big thing we learned was to take care of ourselves -- stay strong and healthy -- especially in my case since my kids need me more than ever. I am super-duper focused on this goal. I will not crumble (though there are moments).

I have always been the caring nurturing kind (imho) so this whole detachment thing is tough. I'm also a solutions guy, so it's hard for me to not try to fix the problem. But those three C's (thank you) are front and centre. I taught them to my kids too.

My wife...

She is seeing a shrink, and that's working about as well as rubber shovel. Her drinking keeps getting worse and worse. She claims her therapist allows her to sip from bottles of booze stashed in the house, so long as they're tiny bottles, and no more than two or three full glasses worth a day. Could all be lies. The lies are the most amazing part of this whole ordeal. Never in my wildest dreams (nightmares) did I ever picture my wife looking me straight in the eye and lying outright. This, she did for about a year. Had me convinced she was just tired, or it was a strong reaction to sleeping aids or paxil. And I, like a guy, bought it hook line and sinker. Men are so dumb.

My wife refuses to consider AA. Even though it worked for her dad and older sister. Yep, the apple doesn't fall far the tree does it? Anyway. I keep pushing the AA thing, and it just leads to fights. I try to remain calm, but man that's tough.

Anyway, thanks again. Don't be surprised if i ramble on. My wife has threatened bloody heck if I tell any of our friends about this, so you guys just might be my lifesaver.

ps: my introductory post was brief because I had to rush my daughters to choir and dance class. This has always been my wife's role (I have others, trust me) but now I'm having to be both parents. My wife has been drunk and horizontal for three days running now. Sounds like I'm making this up, but it's true.

TryingSoHard

I also stared my husband directly in the eye and lied to him about my drinking. He too bought it. He admits now that he was probably in denial and just didn't want to admit to himself that things had gotten as out of control as they had, but at the time he just went with whatever I said. Only once did I ever admit to drinking excessively when he confronted me about it (and really, I couldn't deny it, I had blacked out for 2 hours during dinner time with the entire family). This was about 2 weeks before I finally confessed everything to him and told him I was trying to quit and had started going to AA.

I hope you can keep going to that workshop, or that you can find Al-Anon or another source of support for yourself. It sounds like you really got a lot out of that workshop and that's a really good thing!

I do want to comment on one thing you said: So stop pushing the AA thing. You can't MAKE her go, and if you do ultimately "make" her go she will resent you for it if she's not ready. She can't quit for anyone or anything other than herself. You can give her a meeting book and phone number to the local AA office, but that's about it. Once she's got the information, only she can decide whether or not to use it. That's the hard part for you, I know. That's why taking care of yourself (and your kids) is SO DARNED IMPORTANT.

Best wishes to you, LT. :ghug