cyclelady

I know this may sound crazy, but I'm not sure if I love myself. It is not like I want to jump off of a bridge or anything but I guess I dont feel that I love myself maybe the way I "should"

I was at an al anon meeting yesterday, and I dont say much because I break out in tears everytime I speak. They are all okay with that but I'm not. A thing we were talking about yesterday was loving ourselves. When you love yourself, we can give that love out to others.

My AH and his family was always saying how I dont "show" love. I dont know if they want me to sit on their laps and hug them the entire time they visited, or what.... I just am not a huggy person. I feel more comfortable hugging people at the al anon meeting than my own mother, hmmmm strange,huh?
My family growing up consisted of a single mom and a verbally abusive brother. My father died when I was 9 (alcoholic) was hit by a car, my mom's bf of 29 years now *(lol) they still dont live together but it works for them. Non of us hugged, said we love you, or anything. My mom worked very hard going to school to raise us... It is funny now that I'm writing this I can see that she tells my kids she loves them and hugs them,so she does have it in her.
Sorry for the ramble..My question is how do you love yourself?
Thanks for reading..

FlwrofFrgttng

This is how I love myself (or at least try to, it's hard some days but I'm getting better at it)

I try to be as patient and forgiving with myself as I am with other people. If I do something that I perceive as stupid my first reaction is to usually down myself for it. Now if it was anyone else, I'd probably just laugh or think that that person was having a bad day or whatever. Point is I'd brush it off as no big deal for someone else, but I'd beat myself down mentally because *I* did it.

I try not to lie to myself. I don't lie to my kids because I love them. I don't even lie to AH. So why in the world would I lie to myself? It makes no sense but I was lying to myself for years about my relationship with AH. When you don't lie to yourself about things then you can face whatever the reality is in your life and yourself and make positive changes about the things you don't like.

I remember my mother's words that "love is an action" and I do things just for myself. Even if it's something as simple as buying a box of tea and scheduling time to read. I need to get into the habit of taking care of myself.

Others here probably have better suggestions but this is my START so to speak. I'm not there yet but I feel small changes.

tommyk

The 12 step program gave me self-respect.

I try to do some physical fitness so I more respect myself.

And... I try to help others now, I carry the message. That creates 'self love'.

Filly1

Hi Cyclelady.
This is going to sound daft, but just try it.
1. When you look in the mirror in the morning, smile at yourself. Say, "You know, I really f******g like you!" Do the same thing at night, or whenever.
2. Give yourself special little treats - buy yourself that new pen/pair of shoes or whatever because you feel you deserve them.
3. Try to only associate with people who are going to be positive with you.

Much of this is a self esteem thing.

Hope this helps. It worked for me when I was considering an overdose.

Glenna9802

I totally relate to this. I have not loved or even liked myself for years, and I will be the first person to beat up on myself before anyone else gets a chance. So I am enjoying reading these helpful responses.

I think a lot of my problem is tied in to depending on others for my self-worth instead of having it come from within. Four years ago, my first husband cheated with his secretary and left me, and my self-esteem crashed right through the floor. Then I met AH, and I thought being with him would boost my self-esteem, but it just got 100 times worse. He never says that I'm worth anything, and because I don't feel that way I believe him. I don't take care of myself physically or mentally because I don't feel like I deserve it.

I think being happy with myself would go a long way towards achieving the health and peace that I want so badly.

freya

Well, I don't know how helpful this will be, because loving/respecting/honoring myself comes pretty easily/naturally (for which I thank my family of origin mostly) for me. But I can definitely tell you the things that -- when I think about my own attitudes and behaviors as compared to those of people I know who seem to suffer from a fair amount of self-loathing, low-self-esteem, shame, whatever you want to call it, seem to be important behaviors/attitudes that I associate with self-love and/or self-respect:

a. (and it's 'A' for a reason!) I know -- deep down to the core of my being -- that I am worthy and valuable as who I am. I know that HP values/loves me. I don't do shame.

b. I trust myself, my judgments, my feelings, my intuitions.

c. I know what my values are (because I have taken and continue to take time to develop and test them) and I live according to those values -- which means basically that I don't do guilt or waste my energy going through lots of mental machinations to justify to myself or others why I didn't do something I should have done or did do something I shouldn't have done.

c2. When I evaluate myself and my behavior, I do so according to my own values -- not according to other values -- however prevalent -- that I do not share. (In other words, I don't set myself up for failure by living according to one set of values but then judging my "success" according to another -- I know this sounds insane, but it's been friggin' amazing to me to discover how many people actually sabotage themselves in this way!)

d. ..Probably because of c above, on those pretty rare occasions when I do something that, in retrospect, really was not in line with my values, I tend to feel very uncomfortable about it very quickly, so I do what I need to do to "make it right." Thus, I'm not going around with a lot of baggage.

e. I exercise very careful discernment in giving anyone else the authority/power to cause me to question myself. I mean, there are certainly people whose opinions I respect and who's opinions and advice -- solicited or not -- I will most certainly give careful consideration to....but those people are chosen on the basis of who they are and how they behave...not on the basis of any position, title, relationship to me, etc....

e2. I do not do or collude in things that I know are wrong/unhealthy/disrespectful of self and others just because it might be safer, more comfortable, more acceptable, whatever to do do so or because someone in some external position of authority (personal or public) might want me to do so.

f. Insofar as possible and insofar as I am aware, I try to base my personal decisions on the goal of achieving the things that are most important to me rather than on the goal of avoiding the things I fear.

I'm sure I'll think of more -- but that's probably the most important stuff.

freya

MeHandle

I want to get back to this later when i have more to to really give to it. Because you are worth responding too.:-)

And her is a hug:ghug3

blessed4x

(((cyclelady))) You are off to a good start with all your work at Alanon, and even the fact that you are questioning it shows growth, IMO.

My counselor and I are focusing on self-doubt to begin with, and I think that ties in with the lack of love for self. Over the years I have been beaten down emotionally to the point where I didn't even trust that things I knew I had heard, or seen, or experienced really happened. I don't think my AH is an evil person who set out to destroy me. I just think it's all part of the dance that addicts and codependents do. I think as we start to love ourselves more, those around us don't quite know how to react. But I have to trust that we will come out of it as stronger women. I think it is a gift to our kids that we do the hard work with us, to break the cycle for future generations.

MeHandle

Oops, I forgot to add this to my post so I could respond:

Could you tell me what you believe it means to love one's self?

cyclelady

I go to work, I look presentable, I get my hair colored (to cover the stress grays), I just started working out. I take my kids to the gym with me so when I'm done I can take them swimming. I feel that I feel "good" about myself when people can count on me, when I dont say no... Do you know what I mean? I'm only "good" if I'm doing something for someone else...
Example: My step dad wanted to plan a surprise bday party for his daughter(my step sister) my mom told him "just tell M, she'll get do it" I do like to plan parties (fun) I felt needed and appreciated becuase of that. They know that I'm responsible and I will if it is in my power to take control and get things done...I guess that is what I feel love is. Does that make sense?

Barbara52

I have found that working on my own issues from my childhood (alcoholic parents who neglected and abused us kids) has helped me to begin more fully loving myself. I knew for years that I do not feel emotions the way "normal" people do, that in many ways I went through the motions of feeling what seemed appropriate but not really feeling them in my gut. I still don't think I feel emotions in a "normal" manner but I do feel them and understand somewhat why I don't feel them "normally." Therapy has helped a great deal.

LaTeeDa

It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I love myself regardless of what others think. I spent the first 40+ years of my life seeking external validation. I was only worthy of love if others loved me. And I lost myself in the process. I now know that I am a valuable, lovable, worthy person (although not a perfect one, perfectionism was my enemy, too) whether other people agree or not. Taking care of myself comes first, taking care of others is no longer something I feel obligated to do. I do things because I want to, not because I need to in order to feel good about myself.

L

JustMeInWI

Along those lines, I think in order to have the "space" to love yourself, you need to have boundaries for others. I'm just finishing reading "Boundaries". It is a Christian-based book, but I think the information in it is helpful even for those of us with other HPs. I've learned SO much about why I continue to "get treated" the way I do by my family, my stbXAH, and even some of my "friends" - it's all because I never learned what HEALTHY boundaries are.

I highly recommend reading this book to help you establish the needed space for loving yourself.

And no matter what, we love you!!!

TakingCharge999

thanks all for your insights

freya, your post was like reading something from a different planet altogether...

peaceteach

I think that sometimes when it feels foreign to be self-nurturing, or selfish or neglectful of others by putting yourself first, it helps to think of yourself as a young girl. As your own "daughter" or little sister. How would you want that young girl to feel about herself? Would you want her to think that she doesn't matter, that others should come before her? Would you want her to let other people use or abuse her? Does that upset you to think that a little girl could be hurt by others, or that a little girl could not be happy with who she is?

I then talk to that little girl, in the mirror, and tell her that I am here to take care of her. I make sure she gets what she needs, and what she deserves. And I teach myself how to take care of "me" in the process.

freya

OK. I get it. This might sound kind of trite and chiche-ish, but it's also very, very true and, if you meditate on it, maybe it will be helpful: You are a human BEing, not a human DOing.......as a human BEing, you have value and are precious to HP/God/Goddess/The Universe simply for BEing you -- you do not have to DO anything to earn that value or that preciousness; it just IS in your BEing.

Really it IS....Really you ARE.

freya

cyclelady

OK - another example -

AH comes home (since he lives in the basement) plops infront of the TV (in the basement now)and cracks a beer as soon as he comes home.
I told AH that it is NOT enough for me. I want more. We have 4 kids that need parents. I work all day. I help them with homework, take them to the rec center to swim (for them) /work out (for me), play games, cook dinner, take to wrestling, take to boyscouts, etc.. you all get it....
He proceeds to tell me that nothing will ever be ENOUGH for ME.... I said coming home sitting on the couch drinking will NEVER be enough for me or our kids. He then proceeds to say that he works all day and is tired when he comes home and doesnt want to do anything. Is this loving myself by wanting more or is this being selfish because I want a husband who wants to be with US. Do many men do this or just alcoholics? Am I asking for TOO much? This is when things confuse me about love vs selfishness....

FlwrofFrgttng

Nothing you've laid out in that post seems unreasonable to me. It is not just men in general to my way of thinking, because I KNOW men who DO more and CARE more. Men who are not wrapped up in the I, me, my and mine thinking process that accompanies alcoholism and addiction in general. Aren't YOU tired as well? Didn't YOU have help making the children that you take care of? To my way of thinking it takes TWO people to MAKE children and it takes TWO people to take care of them...

freya

What you want is what you want -- loving yourself is truly believing that you deserve to have what you want in your life and making the kind of decisions and practicing the kinds of behavior that are most likely to ensure that you get it.

Here's the only thing I see in what you are saying that is, in any sense, "selfish." You have told your husband what you want and need. He has said, in both words and deeds it appears, "No. I have not intention of doing that." You, it appears, are continuing to badger him about meeting your needs. That is selfish in the sense that he is an adult human being who has the HP -given right to make his own choices and live his life the way he wants -- even if he wants is unhealthy, disrespectful and irresponsible, and "wrong" in some absolute, moralistic sense. By refusing to respect his free will you are being selfish and you are, basically, insulting HP, who has chosen to give each of us free will and not to interfere in our use of it. If HP gives and repects our free will, who, really, are you to do differently????

(As far as the part about "what men do," that is totally irrelevant to the entire situation. You know what this man is doing and it is not what you want and/or need. That is all that you need to know.)

Now, I need to be very clear here -- I am not saying that you are wrong to want what you want and need what you need. It seems your desires are perfectly natural and healthy and in the best interest of both yourself and your children. But your AH is clearly not interested in what is in the best interest of you or your family -- he is only interested in continuing to defend and indulge his disease. I'm not condoning or defending that -- I'm just saying that that is the way it is....and you cannot, nor do you hve the right, to change him.

Clearly, no matter what you do, he is going to continue on the path he has chosen. So, how demonstrating self-love comes into play for you here depends on how you answer the question: In light of the fact that he has said "No," to the best interests of you and your children, what can you do to maximize the chances of your getting what you want and need?

And, BTW, the "right" answer to that question is not about selfishness -- it is about self-care and self-respect.

freya

cyclelady

You, it appears, are continuing to badger him about meeting your needs. That is selfish in the sense that he is an adult human being who has the HP -given right to make his own choices and live his life the way he wants -- even if he wants is unhealthy, disrespectful and irresponsible, and "wrong" in some absolute, moralistic sense. By refusing to respect his free will you are being selfish and you are, basically, insulting HP, who has chosen to give each of us free will and not to interfere in our use of it. If HP gives and repects our free will, who, really, are you to do differently????

I guess I really didnt see it this way...that I was being selfish... I'm going to have to really take this in and think about it to really get it....
Thank you for all of your feedback I greatly appreciate it....