LOST without a CLUE
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tampa Bay Florida
Posts: 3
LOST without a CLUE
Hi, I'm new to the forum. I am learning so much from everyone post. I wanted to share my story. I'm in alot of depression right now and pain. My husband and I met 5 years ago. We have the best kid in the world for a son. Our lives together were good but there was things missing in it that seemed odd. He wasn't very intimate with me and sort of cold most of the time. After the first year he didn't really want to have sex with me anymore and he said it was due to his age or the medicine he was on at the time. He worked away from home so he was gone for a month at a time then home again for a couple weeks then gone again. It was difficult to get a straight answer out of him about the simplest of things and he seemed so forgettful all the time. On the way to work he kissed me goodbye at the airport like it was any other trip. About a month into his time at work I got a call from a hooker's little girl. She was crying alot and she told me my husband and her mommy were using crack cocaine in this hotel room and her mommy wouldn't come home. I went to the bank records and found out that my husband had spent 17 thousand dollars on this trip with this hooker. Well, I was stunned, devastated, just plain floored. I was really scared of him because I didn't know what to expect from a person who used crack cocaine was he gonna hurt me or my children so I was afraid. First thing I did is take the money out of the account because I didn't want him spending every penny we had. I went hysterical on the phone with him. Then I refused to let him back into my house and I took his things and put them outside for his buddy to pick up. I was so hurt through all of this and I just kept thinking if I do this stuff he will never hurt me like this again. Seven months have passed. I expected him to be sorry; I expected him to want to come home to his family; I expected to see him again. But I haven't. I sent him a email to him recently asking him to come home and apparently he says he doesn't love me anymore because I threw out his things and i am a terrible person for doing it. He wants nothing to do with me. I feel very guilty for doing the things I did but I honestly think I was losing my mind at the time. Now I think I have lost my mind alltogether because I'm really not handling all this very well. I'm severely depressed, sad and tearful. I still love him and he knows it. He just doesn't give a hoot. This is the end of this marriage and I feel like it was the most traumatic ending of any marriage I know of. It's such a painful situation. Any comment at all would be greatly appreciated. I 'm so lost and I dont' know what to think anymore.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Autumnperfect,
Please know that you are not losing your mind, even if you are feeling depressed. It's normal to feel depressed in your situation. Your world, as you thought it was, is falling apart.
What you did was smart; you protected yourself and your child right off the bat. Congratulations. The time for questions can come after your both safe.
Please read the following post by Jon. He's the founder of SR, and a recovering addict. He tells it like it is; no holds barred.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Although it's a difficult read, it's important for us to fully understand that the addict cannot love us - ever. They cannot because they do not love themselves. Without self love, there can never be love for another. That's the painful truth.
Your situation *is* painful. I feel for you and your child. It could be much worse, though. You are not trying, in vain, to "fix" him; being hurt over and over when that inevitably fails and continually being surprised. If you need to see a counselor or talk to your doctor about this situational depression you are experiencing, do so. But, do know that, this too shall pass.
You are on a healthy road Autumn... And you *will* be ok.
Continue to come and share how it's going for you. We're here for you, and we *do* understand.
Shalom!
Please know that you are not losing your mind, even if you are feeling depressed. It's normal to feel depressed in your situation. Your world, as you thought it was, is falling apart.
What you did was smart; you protected yourself and your child right off the bat. Congratulations. The time for questions can come after your both safe.
Please read the following post by Jon. He's the founder of SR, and a recovering addict. He tells it like it is; no holds barred.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Although it's a difficult read, it's important for us to fully understand that the addict cannot love us - ever. They cannot because they do not love themselves. Without self love, there can never be love for another. That's the painful truth.
Your situation *is* painful. I feel for you and your child. It could be much worse, though. You are not trying, in vain, to "fix" him; being hurt over and over when that inevitably fails and continually being surprised. If you need to see a counselor or talk to your doctor about this situational depression you are experiencing, do so. But, do know that, this too shall pass.
You are on a healthy road Autumn... And you *will* be ok.
Continue to come and share how it's going for you. We're here for you, and we *do* understand.
Shalom!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Autumnpurrfect 
Hi, I'm new to the forum. I am learning so much from everyone post. I wanted to share my story. I'm in alot of depression right now and pain. My husband and I met 5 years ago. We have the best kid in the world for a son. Our lives together were good but there was things missing in it that seemed odd. He wasn't very intimate with me and sort of cold most of the time. After the first year he didn't really want to have sex with me anymore and he said it was due to his age or the medicine he was on at the time. He worked away from home so he was gone for a month at a time then home again for a couple weeks then gone again. It was difficult to get a straight answer out of him about the simplest of things and he seemed so forgettful all the time. On the way to work he kissed me goodbye at the airport like it was any other trip. About a month into his time at work I got a call from a hooker's little girl. She was crying alot and she told me my husband and her mommy were using crack cocaine in this hotel room and her mommy wouldn't come home. I went to the bank records and found out that my husband had spent 17 thousand dollars on this trip with this hooker. Well, I was stunned, devastated, just plain floored. I was really scared of him because I didn't know what to expect from a person who used crack cocaine was he gonna hurt me or my children so I was afraid. First thing I did is take the money out of the account because I didn't want him spending every penny we had. I went hysterical on the phone with him. Then I refused to let him back into my house and I took his things and put them outside for his buddy to pick up. I was so hurt through all of this and I just kept thinking if I do this stuff he will never hurt me like this again. Seven months have passed. I expected him to be sorry; I expected him to want to come home to his family; I expected to see him again. But I haven't. I sent him a email to him recently asking him to come home and apparently he says he doesn't love me anymore because I threw out his things and i am a terrible person for doing it. He wants nothing to do with me. I feel very guilty for doing the things I did but I honestly think I was losing my mind at the time. Now I think I have lost my mind alltogether because I'm really not handling all this very well. I'm severely depressed, sad and tearful. I still love him and he knows it. He just doesn't give a hoot. This is the end of this marriage and I feel like it was the most traumatic ending of any marriage I know of. It's such a painful situation. Any comment at all would be greatly appreciated. I 'm so lost and I dont' know what to think anymore.
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
WELCOME!!!
Sorry to hear of your troubles, I posted this sticky from the top of the page to let you know that many of the folks posting here have gone through similar situations, but there is hope for you and your son. Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of love and support here.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Although it may seem like a very sad thing that he will not come back, I hope in time you realize the blessing this is. There are so many people here who have given up a good part of their lives to dance the dance of addiction - became financially ruined, contracted STD's from partners who really didn't care who they slept with when in active use and had other such agony.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to keep moving forward and work on you. The pain of the end of a relationship will subside. The pain of living with an addict is constant. Wishing you the best.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to keep moving forward and work on you. The pain of the end of a relationship will subside. The pain of living with an addict is constant. Wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
autumnpurrfect-
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I can understand what its like to have an expectation of another person and they dont live up to that expectation.
Its hard I am still learning how to NOT expect others to feel/act/be the way I think they should. Its not up to us. That is really hard to learn.
My ex is starting to make a turn around in his recovery and the first thing that happened was my feelings got hurt because I expected him to do things that right now he isnt capable of doing.
I think that the best thing for you to do is to accept that things are the way they are and try to move on. You cant expect an addict to act like a nonaddict. Your husband has chosen to live this life and there is nothing you can do about it but try to heal yourself and move on. Its sad, yes I know but in order to regain your sanity you really need to learn how to let go.
Easier said then done I know, but I am walking the same path right now. Trying to accept things for what they are and continue living my life. I pray for you and your children. One thing I can say is be thankful he is out there somewhere destroying himself rather then taking you and your children with him....
Keep reading and posting. Things will only get better for you....
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I can understand what its like to have an expectation of another person and they dont live up to that expectation.
Its hard I am still learning how to NOT expect others to feel/act/be the way I think they should. Its not up to us. That is really hard to learn.
My ex is starting to make a turn around in his recovery and the first thing that happened was my feelings got hurt because I expected him to do things that right now he isnt capable of doing.
I think that the best thing for you to do is to accept that things are the way they are and try to move on. You cant expect an addict to act like a nonaddict. Your husband has chosen to live this life and there is nothing you can do about it but try to heal yourself and move on. Its sad, yes I know but in order to regain your sanity you really need to learn how to let go.
Easier said then done I know, but I am walking the same path right now. Trying to accept things for what they are and continue living my life. I pray for you and your children. One thing I can say is be thankful he is out there somewhere destroying himself rather then taking you and your children with him....
Keep reading and posting. Things will only get better for you....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Autumn, Having an A has to be one of the most painful experiences one can endure and grieving is a normal part of the process. My AH went w/ a crack prostitute during his first major relapse in our marriage, he admitted to it. I don't know if there has been others since, and may never know. All I know is I had to take measures to protect myself and children in ways I never thought I would. It was devastating and painful.
But my first reaction was PROTECT, and PREVENT.
This is what you are doing....for you and for your children. Throwing him out is protecting you and the children, and preventing worse from happening under your roof.
Protecting your finances was also a smart thing to do. If you have any credit cards with his name and your name on them, get his name off immediately. If he has any with your name on them, ask him to get your name off of them immediately. Spending 17k on a crack ***** is a lot money!!!!!!
I know these are the most difficult decisions you have ever made....AND YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR MAKING THESE DECISIONS.
There is no end to manipulation and lies of addicts in active addiction. Your AH is now trying to manipulate that it's your fault that you threw him and his things out. This is all evasion, and manipulation. He's not looking at why you did it. Don't blame yourself!!! As devastated as you are, you made a rational decision. Don't let him try to make you think you didn't.
This is just heartbreaking....CPS needs to be notified of this!!! That little girl needs to be protected too!!
Huggs,
NH7
But my first reaction was PROTECT, and PREVENT.
This is what you are doing....for you and for your children. Throwing him out is protecting you and the children, and preventing worse from happening under your roof.
Protecting your finances was also a smart thing to do. If you have any credit cards with his name and your name on them, get his name off immediately. If he has any with your name on them, ask him to get your name off of them immediately. Spending 17k on a crack ***** is a lot money!!!!!!
I know these are the most difficult decisions you have ever made....AND YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR MAKING THESE DECISIONS.
There is no end to manipulation and lies of addicts in active addiction. Your AH is now trying to manipulate that it's your fault that you threw him and his things out. This is all evasion, and manipulation. He's not looking at why you did it. Don't blame yourself!!! As devastated as you are, you made a rational decision. Don't let him try to make you think you didn't.
About a month into his time at work I got a call from a hooker's little girl. She was crying alot and she told me my husband and her mommy were using crack cocaine in this hotel room and her mommy wouldn't come home.
Huggs,
NH7
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I'm so sorry for your pain.
Feeling guilty for what you did to say NO to that type of lifestyle for yourself and your child was the absolutely best thing you did! Trying to turn it around, and say words that he knows will trigger feelings of guilt and remorse in you is crazy-making. We all have been there one way or another.
Everything you are feeling is normal. You are NOT crazy!
For me, my XAH was not intimate with me very much (if at all) either. When we were, he wouldn't even look at me. But, then I found all the porn he was looking at. It made no sense. He hadn't been a partner or a friend to me for years. We didn't share laughter, or even pain. When I felt joy or pain, I shared it with my best friend, not my husband. When my beloved Aunt died, I asked my best friend to fly out and go to the funeral with me, not my AH. I didn't know at the time I was living with an addict, I just knew his "support" did not feel supportive or kind or compassionate. When I finally said I wanted a divorce, he tried and tried to get me to settle for less than my fair share of the house. He did this with guilt, that I chose to leave the marriage, all of it was my choice. Not once did he acknowledge any part in not participating in the marriage in the first place. All I could do, while I was feeling guilt and sadness, was just not agree to anything. Once I got stronger, and clearer, about my decision and his, I could then hold my own and handle the legal end of our divorce.
I'm not advocating or saying you are getting a divorce, just simply sharing that if you should end up down that path, to be careful and not agree to anything while feeling vulnerable. Take the time you need for you.
Feeling guilty for what you did to say NO to that type of lifestyle for yourself and your child was the absolutely best thing you did! Trying to turn it around, and say words that he knows will trigger feelings of guilt and remorse in you is crazy-making. We all have been there one way or another.
Everything you are feeling is normal. You are NOT crazy!
For me, my XAH was not intimate with me very much (if at all) either. When we were, he wouldn't even look at me. But, then I found all the porn he was looking at. It made no sense. He hadn't been a partner or a friend to me for years. We didn't share laughter, or even pain. When I felt joy or pain, I shared it with my best friend, not my husband. When my beloved Aunt died, I asked my best friend to fly out and go to the funeral with me, not my AH. I didn't know at the time I was living with an addict, I just knew his "support" did not feel supportive or kind or compassionate. When I finally said I wanted a divorce, he tried and tried to get me to settle for less than my fair share of the house. He did this with guilt, that I chose to leave the marriage, all of it was my choice. Not once did he acknowledge any part in not participating in the marriage in the first place. All I could do, while I was feeling guilt and sadness, was just not agree to anything. Once I got stronger, and clearer, about my decision and his, I could then hold my own and handle the legal end of our divorce.
I'm not advocating or saying you are getting a divorce, just simply sharing that if you should end up down that path, to be careful and not agree to anything while feeling vulnerable. Take the time you need for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Not that it matters, I wonder how a little girl got your phone number and called you, about her mother's absence. Really bizzare.
Regardless, your reaction to the situation demonstrates strength and soundness of your mind and spirit.
When you can, see an attorney about your financial situation to mitigate your responsibility for any debts he may have incurred. Assuming he is still employed, you can seek child support in a family court, regardless if/when you decide to divorce.
Regardless, your reaction to the situation demonstrates strength and soundness of your mind and spirit.
When you can, see an attorney about your financial situation to mitigate your responsibility for any debts he may have incurred. Assuming he is still employed, you can seek child support in a family court, regardless if/when you decide to divorce.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
[QUOTE=greeteachday;2058913]Although it may seem like a very sad thing that he will not come back, I hope in time you realize the blessing this is. There are so many people here who have given up a good part of their lives to dance the dance of addiction - became financially ruined, contracted STD's from partners who really didn't care who they slept with when in active use and had other such agony.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to keep moving forward and work on you. The pain of the end of a relationship will subside. The pain of living with an addict is constant.
Greeteachday, said it so well. Your are much stronger then you think you are, while I know it hurts look at the actions you took on behalf of yourself and your child. Stick with it and one day you will find the love you deserve....be proud of the strong woman you are. I will be praying for you. (((hugs))))
The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to keep moving forward and work on you. The pain of the end of a relationship will subside. The pain of living with an addict is constant.
Greeteachday, said it so well. Your are much stronger then you think you are, while I know it hurts look at the actions you took on behalf of yourself and your child. Stick with it and one day you will find the love you deserve....be proud of the strong woman you are. I will be praying for you. (((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 15
I know exactly how u r feeling about being lost. I always thought my ex would come back to me cause deep down i think he loves me...i am so confused and lost. I keep telling myself my ex comes to see me cause he loves me..but that is wrong ...he likes the control and the power over me. I always think why can't he love me...why can't he be the person i fell in love with. I can't really tell you what to do but i can tell u that you are not alone with how u feel.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tampa Bay Florida
Posts: 3
The little girl got my phone number from his laptop computer. My husband gave it to her so that she would have something to play with while her mommy was with him in the hotel doing crack. That is how she knew my name and had my information. If I don't get some money this week from him to help me and my child stay in our home I'm going to have to seek legal help to get child support or perhaps maybe divorce. I don't want to hurt him; all I want to do is protect myself and mostly my son.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I would highly recommend you seek legal advice, quickly, regarding child support and issues regarding any financial obligations.
I am a recovering crack addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). I left my crack addict boyfriend behind, along with the crack.
Crack is an extremely addictive and expensive habit. I've known of people to go through 10's of 1000's of $$ in a matter of months. At that point, they begin to steal from whomever and whereve they can. Do not believe he won't do that...crack will make you do things you would never do otherwise (as will a lot of other drugs).
I'm sorry you're struggling, but you and your child really are better off without him, right now. He would only be dragging you down, with him. As hard as it is, focus on a better life for you and your son, and let your husband deal with his life and the consequences of his actions. Throwing him out was the best, and most loving thing, you could have done.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I would highly recommend you seek legal advice, quickly, regarding child support and issues regarding any financial obligations.
I am a recovering crack addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). I left my crack addict boyfriend behind, along with the crack.
Crack is an extremely addictive and expensive habit. I've known of people to go through 10's of 1000's of $$ in a matter of months. At that point, they begin to steal from whomever and whereve they can. Do not believe he won't do that...crack will make you do things you would never do otherwise (as will a lot of other drugs).
I'm sorry you're struggling, but you and your child really are better off without him, right now. He would only be dragging you down, with him. As hard as it is, focus on a better life for you and your son, and let your husband deal with his life and the consequences of his actions. Throwing him out was the best, and most loving thing, you could have done.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Can't really add anything to the great advice you have already received. Congratulations on taking such decisive steps to protect your child and yourself! You should be proud of that....Hugs and support!!!!
HG
HG
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